work harder do it faster

People say I have potential and I have done a lot, but I still do not care because I have not done anything in my opinion. Someone the other day was telling me how I have done a lot because I am almost done with school. I am, but that does not mean a thing. I need to be somewhere when I graduate, I need a real job when I am done, but who knows if I will get a real job. My job I have know is real, but it is just a part time job that you can't go anywhere with. You could be in management, but I have no desire to do that. The only thing I would ever want to do for the company I work for, is design their website, but it would be kind of boring because they tell you how they want their site. Anyways I have gone nowhere it it makes me mad. It is my fault, you get comfortable and then you settle or get scared. I need a change and I hope that it will happen because I don't want to be at my current job any longer and I want to be done with school as soon as possible. It does not mean that my life will get better once I do move forward in work and school. I have to do my part and I feel like I have not and so I have to keep moving. I don't want to be like those people who just play around. I want to grow up. I want to know what it's like to live. Growing up is not living, it is just part of progression and I feel that I have not progressed at all. I have done the exact same thing and that is sad because I need to experience life and not worry. I always worry and I don't know if I will ever stop because that is who I am. Worrying has ruined me as well, it has prevented me from moving forward in life. I see people that I know enjoy life and have fun. It makes me mad because I have worked so hard, but I am the reason for being the way I am. No one is responsible for my shortcomings, only me. I am not trying to be negative, but it is true. I could use an excuse for everything, but excuses are an easy way out. I can not be like that and I am the person who has something to prove. That is another thing that bothers me. I feel like the whole world is against me and that everyone wants me to fail. I think like that because I lost my friends and other experiences in my life make me feel this way. So sometimes I am a jerk to people because I feel like they have something against me and they don't like me. This thinking has ruined me as well because it makes you antisocial. Nobody wants to be antisocial, it is not fun and it sucks. I was social and maybe one day I'll become social again.

2009

They say you should reflect on the good and see how far you improved. I think that is fake because you have to look on the things you did not accomplish. I am not one of those people who sets goal or writes a bunch of crap down . I am the person who says I'll do it and I'll do it. You can write stuff down, but it does not mean you will accomplish your goals. I say a lot of things I'll do, but never do. I always say I'll get out of my current job for a better job. I do say that, yet I have not followed through. I have been there for four years and counting and it is time for me to move on, yet I have done nothing to move on. I have gotten so busy with school, running, working out and work; Yet I have procrastinated and it makes me mad because I need to leave. It is not a bad place where I work, it's just time for me to move forward in life. That is one thing I don't think I have accomplished in 2009. I workout and run, I will also finish school, but I have not had any big changes. I have hope, but you have to do rather than hope. I have to move forward in work, college and even sports. When you don't move forward you get stuck in a rut. You become negative and accuse everyone else for your failures. I don't really accuse people for my failures, but it is my fault for not moving forward in the direction I want to go. I have to and that is my plan to move forward. It is not because I am trying to impress a certain girl or anything, I have to impress myself because I am my hardest critic. I think we all are hard on ourselves, but we have to be because if we are not, then we will settle. I don't want to settle, there is so much more to life, than settling for a job, a career, or any other things that people say it is okay. I feel like I always have to be moving forward and can not think it is okay because that is when you fall. I do want to make money and work a career that is actually useful. I do want money, not because of status, just so I can live and take care of myself and family. That is what life is about and people may say it is not, but it is. So I do have to keep moving and not look back or worry because that is when you fail.

They say life is supposed to be enjoyed not endured. I don't believe that because it just sucks. I am sick of it all. I work, go to school, and then I have to go do other things such as workout, but other than that life just is pointless. I am not looking forward to the end of my college career. It's easy, but I don't want to do it because I hate it. I think college is overrated. I went because I am supposed to and look where that has got me nowhere. I hate my major and I want to leave and do something productive in life. I hate all those people in my major, they are annoying who need to get a life. Especially the people in my emphasis, I am in the sports management emphasis and these people are obsessed with working with sports. I'm not, I just want to get out of college. I think working for sports is dumb; the only thing I would ever do for a sport company is their graphic design work. However, that can be annoying as well because I am an art technology minor and those people get on my nerves as well. Lots of people get on my nerves and maybe it is because I am jealous. I am jealous of some because I see what they have and do. while I just work and then I have to workout because I have too. I am jealous because they have fun and play, but all I do is worry whether or not I'll have money for school or if I'll be able to pump iron at the gym.

I think life is endured and not enjoyed, I lost all the joy years ago and I don't see any improvements in the near future. I had the hope, but it got shatterd and now I have become something I should never be and that is negative. It's not good being negative, but that is what happened, I don't look at the good only the bad, I wish one day It would get better, but it does not seem likely. There it goes again a negative thought and I'm not being funny. I am funny, but this is true and it has to stop.

Huh

I read people facebook status updates and there are times I want to respond, but I don't because I don't want to offend them or hurt their feelings. Today, a person wrote that the truly educated never graduate. I think that is stupid because people who say that are quitters and they will come up with an excuse with why they did not finish. I have realized that anyone can go to school and graduate. Some people say that college is not for everyone. That is also a lie because anyone can do anything as long as they believe in themselves.College may be difficult at times, but if you try you will succeed. If you never believe you can, then you never will. I use to think like that . I would think that I am not smart enough to finish school or not talented enough. That is a bunch of crap because anyone can do anything, as long as you put your mind to it. Things may get in the way to prevent you from finishing,but if you try you will accomplish. I have learned that while I have been in school. I would always sell myself short because people know more or were better than me. That does not mean they will be more successful. What determines success is hard work. Talent can get you so far, but you have to have a good work ethic to rise above. I believe in that and sometimes it may seem pointless to try and work hard, but in the end it will work out. I think they will, but if they don't work out I guess that is life and life is not easy at times. It is what we make of it and if we do our part and help people then things will work out for our benefit. I don't know if I can believe this at all times, but I know that if I never try these things like finishing school and helping others I'll never know. If we never try then we will never reach our full potential.

I can relate to Walle, I just wanted to be loved or in love.

I read someones status update the other day on facebook and they said they felt alone. I did not believe they truly felt alone because they don't know what it is like. They are married and they have lots of friends that are real. They don't know what it is like to be alone. I feel alone all the time, even though I am around people . It sucks and I don't know if it will ever get better. I am alone and yet people think I am some social kid. I laugh at that because I do nothing. I just sit at my house on weekends and wondered what the hell did I do to deserve this. They don't know what it's like to go to church and feel alone. I do and I hate it, it makes me hate people more sometimes. I try to befriend people, but it is not easy and it is not fun going to church activities alone. I feel like an outsider there, even though I have been there for a year. I don't like my ward because I don't belong and all my so called "friends" don't go to the church activities because they have girlfriends and they think that the girls in my ward are not that cute.

There are actually cute girls there, but I don't really have my heart set on those girls. I do have my heart set on some girls, but I never do anything about it. It is sad that I don't, but when you don't do anything social for years and do not really date. You have negative thoughts about yourself and it destroys you. I think these girls I want to date are so great and I wonder why would they be interested in me. This is what goes in my mind and so I am alone because I don't believe I belong anywhere. It has gone on for years and I don't know if I'll ever overcome this thought process.

I'm not alone in reality, but my feelings are alone and it is not good to have. There is nothing to look forward to anymore. I am in a rut and I don't think it will change. I have changed in good ways, but they have not helped me in my social life. That is sad because I think you need to be social. It makes life better and it makes you more balanced. I don't do anything anymore, I just work, go to school, run, and workout. Then I go to bed because I have nothing to do. It hurts, but you get used to it after awhile.

I do know what people feel like when they say they are alone. It hurts and it destroys you. It makes you feel less of a person and sometimes it makes you hate people more. I think before I act and I see people that are alone and I want to help them because I felt it and still do. I will do my part in making people feel like they belong. I wished I would of written something to that person that made that comment on facebook. I didn't because it is hard for me to say what I really want to say. I should have and I'll try my best next time to help someone not feel alone. That is the purpose of life to help people. I have learned it does not have to be something big. It can be just saying hi or holding a door for someone that has a kid in their had, or helping someone to their car. These are the small things and I don't know if it changed their life. It helped me because I know in my mind I was helping them out and I was paying attention to their needs.

That is another thing, I pay attention to a lot of people and yet they don't even remember me. People say it does not hurt, but deep down inside it hurts. It makes you realize that people don't really care about you. The other day I was at church activity for my ward. This one person asked me for their help and I've met them before and yet they could not remember my name. I'm not offended, however it just made me realize people don't think about me. I am just a number and nothing else. That sad thing is I know a lot about this person. I remembered their name and what they do for a job. I even knew their relationship status. That is why I think it's sad, I pay attention to people and yet they don't remember me. I should get used to it because I was never anything special. I think I'm cool, but I don't think people like me. They seem fake and I guess they are not really my friends.

For me, it just makes me think I am never good enough and that nothing will ever improve. I am not trying to be negative, but I am saying I don't improve in socializing or things that give you passion. I don't think it is wrong to want those things. People say it's my fault. It is, but it's not easy to go invite yourself with people especially when you have thoughts that you are never good enough. I am good enough in my mind, but I don't feel good enough to belong.So I have gone on for years hoping that it would get better. It doesn't and it just makes me more down and I also become more negative. One day I hope it will all change, but I don't know if it ever will because I've been saying for years it would change and I'm here right now and everything is still the same.

What up

I always wonder why people here in Utah get so excited about the BYU/Utah rivalry game. I think it is stupid. I don't get anything for winning and it is just a game. I used to go to the Utah football games as a member of the Muss and I think those fans are annoying. What people say and what they do annoys me, so I rather watch a game at my house. I am pretty sure some BYU fans are annoying too. I think these people need to get a life and find better things to do. I know it's fun, but some people take this rivalry too serious. People say to me that I should repent because I go to the U of U. I know they are joking, but those jokes get old after awhile. The University of Utah is a great school, but I am not a hardcore fan. I don't really care who wins because it does not improve my life.

That is what I was thinking about yesterday and today. We focus our attention on stupid things like sports and other things that waste time. I was thinking about that last night when I was at an LDS temple. I have realized sometimes we focus on things that are not of great importance. I like sports, however watching games have done nothing for me, but pass time. There is more to life than sports. I will still do things like run and workout because that is important to me and it is a good habit to have. Anyways, I was thinking about this stuff and I realized if I spent time on the important things, maybe life could be different. I don't think we should beat ourselves up for not doing the most important things, but we should realize that some things are better to do than other things.

I don't care about the BYU/Utah game;for me it just passes time. I rather do other things such as run, workout, or even date. I think it is lame that some guys choose watching a game over their girlfriends. I know that sounds cheesy, but I would be with my girl over sports any day. I have no girl, but if I did, I rather be with her. Once I do find that girl, I hope that we can spend lots of time together, because that is what life is about. Finding someone you love and moving forward in life with that person. That is more important than a game. These are the things I should be focusing on. I could also be studying, but sometimes pointless things like games, facebook, and random things get in the way. We can't focus on the negatives of what we could have done, however we should look on the positives on what we have done and move forward. That is what I have observed the past few days. I have observed that we can't dwell on the past because it has happened already.We just need to focus on the future and never look back.

Never good enough

Whatever you do, it is never good enough. There is always somebody better and no matter how hard you try it is never good enough. This is how I think and you may see me and think I am a great, but you don't know me. No one knows me, I don't think anyone gives a crap what happens to me. I really believe that because I have no friends and no one in the church believes in me or is there for me. I'm there for people, but that does not mean crap. I hate everything, there is nothing to look forward to, just darkness and despair. You wished someone would notice you, but they don't because people are fake. I'm fake, but I do notice people and what they do. I watch people because I am shy and that is what you do to pass time when you don't socialize. I know so much about people they would be shocked. I know what kind of cars people drive and I know other things about people, like if they are single or not. I watch people and I can tell when they are sad and I feel bad because I know what it is like. I observe lots of things. I observe the girls I used to talk to and like. I see them and I wonder if they remember me, but they probably don't because they don't care. I want to talk, but my thoughts of never being good enough gets in the way. I do think like that and it's no joke. It has ruined me and I have regressed. Why would someone think like that? When you don't do anything , have no friends, and do the same thing over and over, that is when you start to believe in things like that. I wish I could come out of my shell and enjoy life, but those thoughts destroy me and I know that it won't get better. I have been hoping for years and it has not ever gotten better. I do stupid things to get noticed, like make videos or say smart A$$ comments. I just want attention and want to progress and that is why you do those things. So people won't forget about you, but they have. My friends have and I hate them. I want them to feel what I feel, pain, emptiness, and the thoughts that everyone is better than you.
It is not fun . I am an observer because I am shy and I hope one day I'll stop, but it never seems to be getting better. Nothing seems better, I would have to say life sucks. It is empty there is nothing to look forward to, just being alone and that is awful. I hide it, so people can't tell, but deep down inside all the passion I once had, has now gone away. Now it's about doing the same rut over and over and which is not fun. I just get injured worse and more depressed. I get injured from running and that sucks because I can't recover, but I can't quit. I am sick, but I can't stop. You see, running is the only thing I have and without it I don't know what I do. It becomes your life and that is sad because there is so much more to life then running everyday and trying to be perfect. I wish I could come back, but it has been years and I have not improved. I do the right things in life, but that makes life suck as well. I guess the church was never there for me and I feel like they never will. They say they care about you, but they don't, no one does and that is how I really think. I do what I am supposed to and it never gets better. It hurts and you want to tell people how bad you hurt, but you can't. You have to be fake. Doing the right things have made a bigger loner and that is so sad. You can't progress and that is sad, you wish someone was there to pick you up, but there is no one. So you have to pull yourself up and when you do, it is still not better. I never done crap and I am in my twenties. I am talking abut progressing. School and work don't count. It is all meaningless when you do nothing like date, socialize, and move forward. That is my dream to know what it's like to date and move forward and I don't care what anyone else says because that is all life is about. It is about finding someone that gives you passion and making you complete. It is about helping others and feeling like you belong in society. I don't feel any of this and yet I do help others, but don't date. I want to date, but the thoughts get in the way and so I stay in a shell and a rut. I hope one day it will get better, but I have been hoping for years and I see no end in sight.

The real me

I have a deep passion for running. It’s the only thing I look forward to doing everyday. I see many things when I run, but that is not what I am really thinking about. I don’t notice the beautiful things people see when they run. I am not paying attention to those things.
My mind is on other things such as my own problems or songs that can’t get out of my head. One song that always plays in my head is the song by One Republic which is “Stop and Stare”. I relate that song to my life and when I run because I may be moving, but in reality I have gone nowhere.

I am still in Utah and in college and I think to myself when I run that there is so much more to life than just doing the same thing over and over again. So I have that song playing in my head sometimes because I feel like in a sense I have gone nowhere and that I should be somewhere better than I am today.

I think we all think that about ourselves sometimes. We wondered what could have been if we did something else or made a small decision. These are the thoughts that go through my mind when I run.

I also feel isolated and alone when I run. There could be other people out there on the streets, but I still feel alone because I am by myself. I also think about my own life that I am alone. I have no one really to talk to. I have family, but they don’t understand what I am feeling. I am the point in life where you like your family, but you don’t really want to be around them. You want to be with other people such as a relationship with a girl. So I do feel alone sometimes because I have no girl right now and I always wondered what it is like because I see couples my age and they always seem so happy.

I also have the feelings of being alone when I run because I run late at night or early in the morning. I don’t see anyone except for the darkness that surrounds me. It is scary at first, but after awhile it makes me feel more powerful because I am more dedicated to running than most people. Sometimes it is good to be alone because you feel like you are the only person in the world and everything is quiet and peaceful.

I may have thoughts of loneliness and isolation, but I do have good thoughts which are the thoughts that make me motivated to run. Sometimes I may wonder if it is worth it. When I beat someone in a race or running on the streets it gives me that joy that I am good. People may say that is wrong, but deep down inside everybody likes competition.

I am a competitor and that is what I am usually thinking most of the time when I run. I think I am faster than most people and if there is a car that is close to me, I dare them to come hit me in my mind because I have that sense of invincibility when I run. I think it is good to have because we all need to be passionate about something in life. That is what I love doing and I want to be the best and sometimes I have setbacks like injuries, but that is part of running. I won’t quit because my goal is to win a race and I am willing to put my body through pain because I want to win.

Sometimes I do not win and I get injured worse and sometimes I compare that to life. We might have setbacks, but we should not give up because if we do quit, we go nowhere and I know we always have to keep moving forward. I know that if we always keep moving forward, just like in running, we will get to where we want to be in life.

Thank You

I just want to thank all those people who dis my shot in basketball and how I run . I am saying thank you because you give me motivation to show you up and prove you wrong. I know that may sound bad, but my whole life I never felt good enough so I have a chip on my shoulder and I do have something to prove. I want to show these people up and embarrass them because it makes me mad. My whole life no one has ever believed in me, so that is why I think they way I think.

Thank you to all the companies I was not good enough to get hired for. One day I'll become something and show them up . I've gotten rejected and it hurts and it makes me want to work harder. I believe that I am just as good as anyone else. . These events have made me who I am today. So every company that does not believe in me, I'll remember and use it for motivation. I know people think that is negative, but my whole life I felt like I have been ignored. I also want to thank the companies that I've worked for that never believe in me too. It just adds more fuel to the fire to show them up. Who I am showing up? No one, but in my mind I still feel like I have something to prove.

Thank you to all those girls who ignored me and pretended to be my friend. First to all the girls that I had crushes on, thank you. Thank you because I see some of these girls I actually liked go for other guys. All I have to say they are losers and it's your loss. It hurts, but getting ignored makes me want to work harder and harder so I can be something. Being ignored does give me motivation and it makes me want to show them up and say that I will be something and I hope they just settle. I am no loser, but when you done nothing your whole life these are the thoughts that destroy you. So I want to become better than those guys that these girls I liked go for. Why? because my whole life I have just been the tag along and never got to experience anything like being in a real relationship. I never went to any dances and I never had any girls that I knew liked me. So I find it hard to believe when people tell me that I am a handsome young man and that girls would like to get to know me better. I may be good looking, but when you have done nothing socially for the past 5 years, it is hard to overcome the thoughts of being never good enough.

I would also like to thank those people in my church who never believed in me. This also adds fuel to the fire. I love those people who treat me different because I did not go on a mission. It did hurt, but it gives me motivation now. I want to show to all those people that not going does not mean a thing. It does not mean you are saved. These feelings do make me feel never good enough as well and so I have something to prove.

So now you know what I really think. My whole life I was never the kid everyone wanted. I was just the person that people never believed in. These things did ruin me, but now they give me motivation because I am good and no one is better than anyone else. I'm not better than anyone. I just got to do what is best for me and move forward. Sometimes these things create setbacks and they can be deadly. That is why I run, workout, and work hard because I want to prove those people wrong who said things about me. It hurts and when you don't have anyone to fall onto when you are down, it creates anger. I am angry and hurt and I don't know if I'll ever become that person who can forget. I dwell on the past and that is not good because dwelling on the past destroys me.

never

I'm good looking and any girl would want to date me and they don't really care what I drive and what I do as long I plan on moving forward and doing the right thing. That is a bunch of crap, I don't believe in anything anymore. I'm the same and I will never get better. Whatever I do it's never good enough, so why would I enjoy life. It is not fun, it never has and it never will be. I have hope, but those things never come true. I am sick of it and I can't take the isolation crap anymore. I get to enjoy watching people move forward, why I can't even get to place next door. I may move forward in other things such as school and running, but that does not mean crap especially when you are alone. I can't talk because I get so nervous and that is not normal and I feel like everyone is my competition and they think they are better than me. This irrational thinking destroys me and I can't move forward. No one cares anyways because I realized people don't give a crap what happens to me. Nobody would know if I was gone, but who cares because I am nothing. Just a number to this world. It's my fault and it is and everything is my fault and that is why I don't move forward because of me and not you or anyone else in the world. I am the reason for my shortcomings, but I just need a little help, but I realized nobody cares and why should they care about me because nobody cares about me, but my family. Why do I think that? My whole life I have never done anything. I just worked and that ruined me. I need to socialize and if there is anyone out there help me or just pray for me that one day I'll reach my full potential.

Darkness

I don't know how people can like Fall. I hate Fall, it just makes me more sad that it is getting closer to the winter. I hate winter because winter reminds me of death and darkness. I don't know why it does, it just does. I hate the darkness it makes me sad and I do not know how anyone can enjoy the Winter. I hate driving in snow, but I don't mind running in snowstoms because it makes me feel invincible. I run no matter what the weather is like, but I still hate winter. I guess I need to move somewhere it does not snow. Winters in Utah are not that bad compared to other places.

Sometimes the snow can be romantic, but you have to be with a girl in order for that to happen. The glow of the snow at night is something beautiful. It's errie but it is cool because the glow is light. It is great to know that there is light in the darkest of days and that is why I think it is cool. But when your alone, winters are depressing and sad. That is why it's good to have friends because sometimes you need people to cheer you up when the days are miserable and dark.

I don't know if I'll ever enjoy winters because I don't really have a girlfriend or friends that I hang out with every weekend. The only thing that keeps my mind off Winter is school and running. Sometimes winters in Utah are dry, so I always hope for those kind of Winters even though we need water to live. I should not think about Winter, I should think about the good of Winter like Christmas, New Years Eve, but those thoughts can be sad as well.

The reason I think that is because Christmas reminds me of happy thoughts and sometimes it is sad to reflect on the happy times. I know that sounds weird, but every happy moment has an end and that is why it is sad. I guess that is why it is important to make every moment count because we don't know when our time is up. It is important to do good and make every person we meet better than they were before. Those are the most important things not money, possesions, and status. I need to help people and I hope I have more opportunites to uplift people in this life. People have been there for me and I hope that I can do the same for them when they are in need.

Lost my smile

I lost my smile and I am sad because I just am. I don't know if I'll ever be happy because I always think about what I don't have. I feel bad that I think like that because I want more. I got a better car than my last one, but I still don't know if I like it. I feel bad because I wasted money on it. Oh well it's just a car and who cares, but I do and I can't stop thinking about. They say people like you for who you are. I don't believe that, I believe that people like things that you have as well. So I regret buying a car, even though I needed a new one. I liked my old car, It was a piece of crap, but I had it since I was seventeen years old. It is hard to adjust and I don't know if I ever will. I miss it now even though I was ashamed of driving it. I hate cars anyways because they are just stupid. However, I need one to get around, but one day I hope I can live without using a car. I hope to live someday close to my work. I think that would be cool because I enjoy a nice walk and I don't think a car is that important. I will have one, but it is cool to think about a world with no cares. Just sitting back and enjoying life, but here in the USA that will never happen. I respect those countries that are different than us because they may have nothing, but they seem happy. So I guess posessions don't make anyone happy. They can, but they won't last forever. I know that is true because buying things only make me happy for a certain amount of time. I don't buy anything anymore so I don't even know what it's like to waste money on toys. I have to pay for funner things like tuition. It's frustrating because sometimes college does not seem worth it. From my point of view, why do I go? I don't really know, but I know I am supposed to and that is why I do it. That has been my whole life story. I have done everything because I am supposed to and that is stupid. It makes life less fun and I don't even know if I will get back to those days when I was happy. The only thing I look forward to these days is doing my church calling. I get to prepare the sacrament in my ward. It may be small, but if feels great because I am actually doing something worthwhile. I also hate the weekends. They use to be fun, but I just go running and working out because I don't have anywhere to go. I want to date, but fear gets in the way and so I do nothing.

I fear dating, because what if it actually works out and then I grow up. I have realized I am scared of change and that is so sad. I should be happy for change, but I can't handle it because it's hard for me. I hate change and I don't know if I'll ever like it. I always think of the worse that could happen when dealing with change and that is why I do the same rut over and over. So I hope that one day I'll overcome, but who knows if that will ever happen. I hope to one day know what it's like grow up and know what it's like to have a family. But that seems forever and I don't know if it will ever happen. I am done and hope to one day, be back to where I once was.

thoughts

Life is hard and sometimes I wonder why. It's like the more you grow up, the more problems you might have to endure. It's not like they are horrible problems, but they are problems that make life less fun. That is what I think about when I am dealing with money. I like saving my money, but then things like college tuition and other things make my savings dwindle and that is frustrating because you work so hard and it just could go all away in a blink of an eye.

I guess that is kind of like life. We could all go away like in a blink of an eye. I have realized that I should focus on the more important things in life because we don't know when our time is up. It does not really matter if I have my dream car or dream career. I have learned it's more important that I help people and make them better. When I have actually helped people for the right reasons it feels good and you can't get that feeling when you're at school or at work. I really do want to help people because I know there are people that need help.

Real

Everything I say and do is fake. It's all for attention. It's true because when you are a quiet person you need and crave attention. That is why I do the things I do. I wear all black when I run because I want people to notice me. I wear sunglasses that are tinted so you can't see my eyes. I do it all for attention. But, what do I get for it? nothing. I am antisocial and it's my fault if I really wanted to talk, wouldn't I have the guts to go talk to people and go invite myself to do things with other people? I don't and that is the reason why I failed because I don't socialize and it's my fault. It's hard to talk to people when you feel like you don't belong to any group of people. I don't feel ever good enough and that is why I am quiet. I know I am better than people at things, but I don't feel good enough and that is why I am the way I am. I don't feel good enough to date and I always feel that people judge me. This is not the way to live and don't ever think like me because it ruins you and your soul. It makes you feel worthless and whatever you do it is never good enough. I lived with this thought process forever and I don't know if I'll ever recover. I see people date and have fun, while I am sitting there feeling weird and like I don't belong. I am a good looking person, but that does not mean crap because I always feel like I don't belong. The reason I don't feel like I don't belong is because in the LDS world I did not do certain things and sometimes it makes me want to show everyone that I have something to prove. I go to church activities, but I still feel out of place. I do have a chip on my shoulder and I have to show everybody up and that is why I don't socialize as much. I know that is not right, but I still can't come overcome this thinking and I can't let my guard down. I don't think I'll ever change, I have hope, but it always seems to fall apart. But it's my fault for being antisocial. I hear about all my friends talking about all these girls they dated and that is sad because I can count all the dates on one hand. It feels like I am the same and that hurts because you wished you could experience some sort of progression. I write about the same stuff and this is the same stuff that bothers me. I guess it will never get better, but who cares because it's my fault. I hate socializing, I used to like it, but now I just can't even do anything. You get used to being antisocial after awhile. You have hope that one day you'll do something, but then those thoughts go from weeks, months and then to years.

Reading this is so much better than reading a book

What am I smoking? I just read some of the stuff I wrote on some of my blogs and I feel like I have to punch myself in the face. What a goob, ha ha ha. Yeah I don't want people to know what I really think because I just don't and I can't believe that sometimes I write what I want and who I really am. I realized I can't do that because it's better to have people guessing what you are. Ta da! There you have it you know something about me and that I am a person who has hope and believes it will get better. But, why would I want you to know? oh well I don't care because probably about zero people read my rants. At least my blogs are not fake like some people's blogs.

change

I have realized in life we are the only ones who can change if we want to, no one else can change the way we are. I am negative sometimes and I'm sorry because I have realized there are people that have it worse then me. Life may suck and I may not be to where I want to be, but it will get better. I know we all have difficulties in life and sometimes it's hard to even try, but being negative and mad does not get you anywhere. I also learned that if you really want to change something you have to have the power to do it yourself because no one really is going to help you. I want change and I will and I know that things will work out in the end. I also realized that helping people out may suck sometimes, but hopefully someone will help me out and everything that I want will fall into place.

What do I want? I want a better job, better car, and a girl. My friend said the other day that those things won't make me happier, but that is not true because he does not know me. He said I need to do things with him and I don't really want to. I'm sorry, but I want to meet girls and hook up with a girl that I'm into. I don't think there is anything else to life that is more important then finding a girl you actually want to be with. My friend said I need to do things that I've never done before like go gambling or do other crazy things.

No, I am not going to do that because it's not worth it and it is not really fun. I can't do things like that because it's bad and I've got to become better than the world and leave it in a better place. I don't care about that kind of stuff anyways. I know what would make me happier and that is meeting girls that I like and eventually getting into a relationship with one of those girls I like.

Why do I think it would make me happier? Because being with a girl is great and sharing your thoughts and talking with someone you actually care for would also be great because what else is there to life. I've not traveled the world or become rich, but it's not important. It's important that I meet a girl and get married. I know that after that, everything will fall into place as long as I try and never stop working.

The world says it's more important to have fun and do what you want, but to me that seems stupid because why would I just do pointless garbage. I want more and I think there is more to life than just doing what you want to do.

I also know you should help others because there are people out in this world that need help. I think that sometimes I am selfish and I never do anything to help other people and I need to help people in my own way. I know that if I help people it will also help me as well. I've learned that by attending church. In my church people have judged me for not doing a mission and I've learned that they can judge me all they want, but I'm not a bad person and just because you went on a mission does not mean you're saved. You still got to work hard and also endure to the end. So I am not worried anymore on what those people think about me. It has been hard for me to overcome those things, but if someone is going to judge me, than I can't worry about it because they don't know me and I know that I am good person and I still can help people just as well as anybody else in the church.

I've also learned that never sell yourself short and don't listen to what other people say. I want to be a graphic designer and some people, like my cousin, try to tell me what to do and that I'm doing it the wrong way because my major is not graphic design. I have a minor in art technology and I have talent and I do know someone will take a chance on me. I know that as long as I keep practicing I'll become what I want to become. The people who work hard are the one's who become what they want to be. You have to have talent, but you have to work hard as well . I know I have talent and I just got to believe in myself that I'm good.

Then there are those other people who say things to bring you down. Don't listen to those people because they are losers who quit trying and gave up on their own dreams. There is this one person at my work and all they do is say why you shouldn't do certain things and that it's not worth it. I should just to this person to screw off and get a life because they quit in their own life and so they are not happy, so they have to bring other people down to make them feel better. I've done that as well and I've learned that's not the way to be. The way to be is to help others and encourage them so they can reach their full potential.

Life is not bad, but it can always be better, but we still have to make the most out of it with our current situations. If we do we can progress and become better.

Forward

I was talking to a friend of mine and they said I should be happy because I have a job and it's not so bad. I agree, but I've have done that job for the past four years and I don't think it's wrong to want to have a better paying job. He said even if I get more money I still wouldn't be happy. I don't know, but I do need to know what it's like to move forward. Doing the same thing over and over is nothing to look forward to. It's is important to move forward in life. I don't think I really have. I am almost done with school, but I have been in school forever so it seems like that won't change either. I know I'll finish and I do want to move forward in life. I don't want the same thing, I want more because I know I am worth more than what I get. I am not trying to be cocky or greedy. I just think as society we can all want more and believe that we can.

I want to know what it's like to live. I am alive, but I want to know what it's like to grow up. One day I would like to get married and do my own thing because to me that is moving forward and that is what life is all about. I don't want to be single forever, it's not worth it. Nobody wants to be alone and if they say it's fun, that's not true. Being alone is where you learn who you really are, but after awhile it messes you up. So I hope to get married and have my own family because that is one of the purposes of life . So that is why I have to move forward, I don't want to be the same forever. So I have to get better jobs and I can't sell myself short because that is wrong and I don't feel bad for wanting more because I know I am capable of doing great things

I have also learned if we take small little steps forward eventually we will get to better places and better opportunities. Sometimes it's hard, but we have to keep trying and once we get to a better place, we still have to keep moving. I always think of that song by Daft Punk when I think about moving forward and one of the lyrics says:Work It Harder! Make It Better!Do It Faster!, Makes Us stronger!More Than Ever Hour After Our Work Is Never Over!

Our work is never over and if we think it is then we might fail because I think we always have to work and keep trying and that is part of progressing. I have learned that through watching people in my church. The people who are always working and never stopping seem to be the one's who have it all together and to me it seems that they are blessed because they don't quit. I'm pretty sure they have hard times, but I always see them working and I think that's cool because sometimes we get to a point where we don't want to try. So I think that working hard is important and for me it gives me hope. I know sometimes it may be pointless to me, but I am also helping other people in the process and that is more important because we need to help others as well.

Can't recover

I train so hard and yet it has got me nowhere. I hurt and I don't even know if it is worth it. I run and run and can't stop. I want to, but I can't because what else do I have besides running? Nothing. Just work and school and that is nothing to look forward to, the only thing to look forward to in that is doing my art projects for my graphic design classes. School is not fun I am sick of being the quiet person. People don't believe me that I am shy, but I am and I never say anything in school, I just feel like I have nothing in common with my classmates. They have fun and I'll I do is workout, run, work, and do school stuff. They party go on trips and don't stress about stupid things. I stress and that is not fun, it makes life less enjoyable.

Life is precious. BULL! It's only good if you make it. I sure don't know. Going to college does not mean a thing. What am I going to do after? I don't know and I don't care because there is no such thing as happiness it is all fake like you people. I am an outsider looking on the inside. All I wanted was to have friends and know what it like to move forward. All I have done is plateaued to nowhere. I can't lie and give all the fake hope crap when nothing changes. I hate those kind of people because they are fake. I am hurt, but who the hell cares? I am a punk because I only care about me and that is why I am a jerk.

Why am I so hard on myself? When you don't do things like date, socialize, and have fun you start to think negative and wonder why certain things happen. You lose confidence in yourself and that is what happened to me. I lost all of my confidence. I have confidence in myself. Like I know I can do a lot of things better than most people, but in social aspects I have none because I have been isolated for so long. It's not my fault, I am quiet and it is hard for me to know when girls I actually like are into me or people I hang out with actually like me. Sometimes I wonder. I was talking to this girl on facebook and I don't know if she is into me or she feels bad for me or she is just trying to be my friend. I have no clue. I would take her out on a date, but I don't want to ask her if she is seeing anybody because I don't want to come across as a creepy. She is a cool girl anyways.

But, I don't know if I'll ever date anytime soon or even become more social. I lost hope and I can't just invite myself to hang out with other groups of people. I only want one thing anyways and that is to meet a girl and ditch everybody else. What else is there? I don't care about my old school friends because they don't give a crap about me. They only want me if they need something. I can't worry about that. So that is why I hope I meet a girl, but don't think that will happen either because I am all talk when it comes to dating and socializing. I can only back up one thing and that is I will always run, workout, and be there when I say I'll be there.

That has gotten me nowhere as well, I am injured and I can't quit. I am not trying to be funny. What else is there to do, when you don't do anything. It's important to me anyways to be in shape. I also don't think I'll recover from my injuries. I am addicted and I don't want to stop because running gives me that feeling that I am good and that I can beat anyone I see while I am running. People aslo get to see me and that is also why I love running so much.

I am discouraged because I work hard, but nothing seems to fall into place. It seems more like everything is coming all at once and I can't control it anymore. I lost all my concentration because I have so many things to focus on. Oh well I still have to move forward.

I give you this thimble and I call it a kiss.

I originally wrote a rant on how I hate my old school friends and then I realized what's the point in doing that. It's not like it gets me somewhere for writing that. Friends do let friends down sometimes and that is okay because no one is perfect. The same things goes with life sometimes it's great, while other times it just plain sucks. It's never easy and it's never easy doing the right thing. The world would want people to do what makes you feel good and they say it's okay sometimes to not do the right things.

Many times I have wanted to do the wrong thing, but my hope keeps me from doing the wrong thing. So does my belief in God and my church that I am a member of. It has never been easy. Sometimes doing the right thing gets us nowhere and a lonely night of doing nothing. I have done that for awhile now and I still wonder if it will ever get better. I am alone and isolated and I don't know why. I am a funny person, but I am not invited to anything ever. My real friends don't invite me anymore and it's hurts. I seem to not be able to find girls I actually want to date, that hurts as well because everyone needs to feel what it's like to love and even go on a date. That is partly my fault anyways because I just need to call a girl out. It may seem dark right now, but eventually it will all come to an end.

That is why I don't quit. I meet a lot of people who settle and I don't want to be like that. I don't want to work a crappy job. I want to do good things so I can make money and I want to help people because I observe people that I know need help. There are people I work with I want to help and there are girls that I actually really liked and wanted to help them . There is this one girl she always makes comments about herself that she should actually be on a date first or other things that bring her down. I just wish I told her that she is cute and that any guy would be dumb not to ask her out. I did not, but I am shy, but I guess that makes me dumb. I wished I did say something, but I was afraid to say something. I think we need to compliment people because everyone gets down and they do feel better after someone says things that raise them up.

I have noticed saying nice things to people really can make a difference. I remember this one time I told this person how great there where to me and they were shocked that I said something because I usually joke more than actually say how I truly feel. I told them and I think it made them feel better. I think we should look in the good people do, not the bad. I learned that from somebody else and I think it is a good way to think.

I do try to look in the good in people and then I realize it makes me feel better because I do get frustrated with some people sometimes, but when I do it gets me nowhere and it makes me worse because I am looking at the bad and not the good.

Maybe I should look in the good in life as well, even though it is not great sometimes. It is hard too, but I know things can get better. I just have to keep moving forward even though it is hard. I won't quit because I have come so far in my life not to quit. I hope it all works out and I hope that I can know what it's like to progress and accomplish the things I am supposed to accomplish.

You think you know me because you read and observe me.

I have nothing, but I am doing nothing. I already ran, worked out, and worked on school stuff. What a fun night. NOT! Well, running is fun, the competition part is. I don't really have any deep stuff to rant or talk about. But I do think college football is not that great. It's the same thing every year and I wonder why people in the state of Utah actually think BYU and Utah are so great. I think they are overrated and I don't really care if they go undefeated because they will never get to go to a national championship game. Even if the Y or the U went undefeated the BCS would find a way to keep them out of the national championship game. But, I am not a huge college football fan anyways. I like the NFL because they have playoffs.

But the NFL is the same every year as well and so I wonder why we get so excited. I mean why should I care if the Patriots win or some other teams wins. It's not like I get anything for seeing them win. I wonder why I get into the game so much. However, I rather play sports then watch sports on TV. It is more fun and rewarding to play sports, especially when you destroy your opponent. I like competing and I like that people think I am not good sometimes. It gives me more motivation to beat them on the court or when I am running. But, watching sports on TV is such a waste sometimes. I mean I could be doing better things like going on a date. ha ha ha

I don't get why guys watch sports together. I mean it is not that fun. I have gone to things like that and they are not that great. They act like it is so great to get away from their girlfriends or spouse for awhile. If I was in a serious relationship I rather be with my girl. I know that may sound fake, but I mean that.

The other day this person said to me. Once you get married you won't always want to spend all of your time with your wife and you need to get away sometimes. I agree, but I really don't believe him that much because if you got married to the person you really love wouldn't you want to spend every moment with them. I know you need your own space sometimes, but if you were in a relationship? Wouldn't you want to spend time with that person. I would, but that is just me.

I am a romantic and that sounds so lame, but I do believe in surprises and other things to make that person you love happy. I rather do things with them then watch some game on TV because I have realized games are on all the time and I could be using the precious time with the person I like or I love. I don't love anyone now, but maybe one day I will.

I have watched a lot of sports and sometimes the games have been great and other times they have been horrible. I wonder why I always go back to watching sports. They are the same thing every year, but I still get excited and I just don't why I do. I guess it is better than watching all those crap shows that are on TV. No offense, but some of the new shows are horrible. So that is one reason why I enjoy watching sports.

Peace out!

??

I was on facebook earlier and I read this girl's status update "Cannot stress enough how horrible slander is. What is wrong with people who feel the need to self-righteously "tattle" on others? why do people judge, slander, gossip, and backbite? I cannot fix everything people dish out. I am in the middle... of a rock and a hard place. How large a fire a small tale can light! I can't protect people forever!!" It made me think and realize everyone says things about other people. Sometimes they do it because it makes them get out their frustrations or they think a person is a certain way. I have and I don't feel bad because sometimes people make me mad or my friends and family have offended me. But that does not mean they are bad people, it just means we all have things we need to work on because nobody is perfect.

People have said things about me and judged me. It's not true because they don't really know me. Most of the time people judge because that is how we are. Even if you say you don't judge others, you do. Everyone does. We come up with stereotypes and other mean thoughts by looking. Sometimes we have to, but I know that once we actually get to know someone and where they are coming from we can see who they really are. I think the best way to do that is by helping people. I am not saying we have to go and hang out or wash their car. It's by doing small things that can help someone.

That is how we can learn about people is by helping them. Sometimes we feel like we should not help people and it's their own fault. It may be their fault for certain things, but if we don't encourage others or try to help them in a small way, they they might never reach their full potential. However,I know that it depends on the person themselves if they really want to change.

I also believe that anybody can change. I was in church yesterday and heard a lesson and they said that most people have a hard time changing and that most of the times they won't change for a girl. The lesson was on marriage that is why I am talking about girls, but anyways it made me angry because I think people can change. I know it could take years for some and maybe the next life, but I am not going to give up hope on people just because of the way they are.

I've changed, but it's not like I am messed up or anything, but I have changed. So I believe that anyone can change. It's not easy, but when people say you can't that is what motivates me to prove them wrong. It's not easy to change. I have done the right things and wondered if it is worth it, because sometimes you don't have fun and you don't really meet the people you really want to meet. That is life because if we never had trials from our problems, then we will never know who we really are.

?

I lost hope and I don't believe it will ever get better. It's sad to see everything fall apart at once. As readers of this post would say it is my fault, but it might be, but what happens when you tried and you failed. I hate it all, there is nothing to look forward to, just sitting alone in the dark where all the thoughts of what you are not come to mind. I don't ever believe it will get better and someone can inspire me all they want, but it will never change.

I often go back to my stupid ways which are not good. I have no friends and I mean that when I say that. It's my fault right because I don't talk and I don't try to go to social events. I do and everytime I go I feel like a moron and so I don't say a word. It's frustrating that I go back to being quiet. But what do I have in common with these people? Nothing! They have better cars they don't have to work stupid crap hours and they get to enjoy this thing called life. They only thing I can ever talk about is the same old garb they ask everybody when you first meet somebody. That is not progressing.

I don't know what enjoy is either. It's the exact same thing for me everyday and every week and that becomes every year. What has running got me? nothing, just a stupid injury I can't recover from and it just lets me past the time because when you don't socialize in life you have lots of free time in this life. Weekends are supposed to be fun right? Not for me it's just usually consist of working, working out, and homework. That is so fun, but it's not and I don't ever think I'll break my habits of being antisocial. I do try, but recently I have gone from being more outgoing to not even saying a word at all.

Some of the people I meet I don't have anything in common with and I don't want to hangout with them. But there has been times when I have tried to hangout with certain girls and other people. Sometimes I have gotten ignored and that hurts, even though I pretend It did not hurt. I remember this one time, I was getting to know this girl I really liked a little bit better. We texted each other a few times and then one time I texted her if she was doing anything fun for the weekend and I got ignored. I was just asking a simple question and I was not asking her out or anything. I was just trying to be friendly. If I ever do ask out a girl I would actually call her, but that won't ever happen because I don't believe in me.

Things like that mess me up and make me never want to try again. If she did not want to say anything to me, then just say it to my face because it is better that way. I won't be sad if a girl does not like me, it's part of one's life experience.I'm not mad for that and I hope that girl I really liked awhile ago has a great life. I really do mean that because she has a great personality and any guy would be lucky to have a girl like that.She was a great person. She befriended me one day when I was sitting all alone at this event I attended. I always wanted to thank her for that even though she will never know that I was thankful. I know my personality comes out as quiet and people think I don't really care, but I do. So I really in all my sincerity hope she has a great life.

I never even tried to date in the first place, so I don't even know what I am talking about. I always say I will, but I never do. I need help to get to that point, but I'll never get help from anyone because there is no such thing as a true friend and I believe that because my so called"real" friends have never been there for me. I've been their friend. I even have gone to their stupid activities and helped them out. I would do anything for my old school friends, but things change and we have to move on. They have moved on, but I have not. I watch them date, get girlfriends, get married, and do other things that help them progress in this life. I just sit outside and stare in inside hoping that one day it will all come together.

The day has not come and it hurts. It hurts to see other people enjoy this life while you worked so hard and nothing has changed. It hurts to see people you care for grow up and forget about you. It hurts to see a lot of things, but I still have to move and I can't just sit and think it will get better. Doing nothing is never the answer. So I do move forward by going to school, work, and also running and working out. I don't know why I keep trying if I am so discouraged, but I guess I do have hope. I have hope that I can change and become who I am supposed to be. I'll never quit. I believe that God will help me one day, even though I feel like nothing has happened at all. If and when that day does come I'll be happy because then I'll know that God does care and answers prayers.

I am sitting in class right now and I am wondering is school worth it. I am in a arts technology class and that is how I am online right now. We are supposed to do assignment and I already know what I am doing so that is why I am writing right now. I am bored and I hate school. I don't think it is worth it. I should of joined the Air Force or something because then I would be learning some important skills. I am not trying to be funny I think the military would be great to do, but if I ever get married then it would be selfish because then my wife would have to be alone. I don't think that is right. I am discouraged right now. I am tired of school, even though I am so close to graduating. I am close to graduating, but I don't care because I hate school and I have been in school for too many years. Oh well at least it will be over soon. I am frustrated because I just am and I am tired of being in school.

I don't even know what I want to do after I am done with school. I did want to do something with graphic design, but I don't know if I can sit for eight hours staring at a screen. I do like art, but I don't want to be a graphic designer for the rest of my life. So that is why I decided to finish my Park, Recreation, and Tourism degree. I think it will work out better if I go that way. I do hope that was the right decision and I guess we will see if it is the right decision. If not I guess I can be a professional bookseller the rest of my life. Joking! I don't really care what I do as long as I get paid a decent amount of money to live. I have realized that no matter what I do for a career I will hate it because I am that kind of person who really has no desire to be a certain thing. I just like working hard and physical work. It's a good feeling, but most physical jobs don't pay so well after awhile.

The only thing I ever wanted to be was a professional athlete and that won't happen because I am not great. I am a good runner, but not even close to being professional. My injuries have got in the way and you can't run good when your are seriously injured. I would just have to quit everything and train smarter. I know that sounds weird that I think I could actually be a professional runner. I know I have potential because I just started running seriously after high school and I never reached my full potential yet. This is a dream and I always wonder why I did not seriously run in high school because I know I could of been good. Oh well! I can't focus on the past.

I always do look at the past because most people remember me from the past and they probably remember me as a certain person. I remember this one girl said to one of my friend I am the same since high school. It makes me mad, because I don't think I am the same. I have the same personality, but the only difference is I am more antisocial. Joking! But college and work has made me less social. I don't even talk to anyone and I just feel like all of my classmates are my competition and I have to be better than them. I should not think like that, but I do. I know it's not right, but college has made me that way. That is one reason I hate college. I always have to compete against other people even if they don't know I am competing against them. I hate that feeling where I have to be the best, it ruins me and it really sucks. I just wish I could do my best and not worry about what my classmates do.

Hello

Is there anyone out there? I feel alone and it's my fault anyways right? What's it like to live? I sure don't know. I just run, workout, work, and go to school. That is not living, it is,but I don't do anything fun. I just sit and wish, but sitting and wishing don't do a thing. People may think I do things, but I don't know what they are smoking because I sure don't do a thing. I always wonder what people think about me.

I really wanted to know because when you lose all of your good friends, you start to wonder. I am also not smooth with the ladies sometimes because I still have that shyness in me and that is a horrible thing to have. It makes me look like a fool.

I am too old to be like that. It's funny to me when girls talk to me and think I have been in relationships and date a lot. I always wonder why they think that because I've never even been in a relationship. That is sad, really sad. I would say in the dating/relationship world I am at a elementary school level because I don't even really date much. When I have,those dates sucked because I was shy and I could not be myself. I do hate myself for that, it makes me mad and it also makes me mad when I see other people having fun. So do couples they make me mad as well. The reason those things makes me mad is because I have worked so hard at work, school, working out, and running and I thought it would pay off , but it has just made me more isolated.

I came to the realization when my friend a year or two ago came to my house, the day before he got married, and told me I have done nothing and the exact same thing for the past few years. It made me mad when he said that, but it was the truth. My whole life I have tried to please other people and do what I am supposed to do. I thought it would get me somewhere, however I just stopped and stared and gone nowhere. That song by One Republic is my theme song because I do think I am moving, but I go nowhere. It is my fault and I'll beat myself up for it. Why? because I feel like I should be something and not just waste of space to society. I'm not a waste of space to society, but in social aspects I have not progressed and it is sad, very sad.

People tell me just ask out girls or just invite yourself to your friend's activities. It's so easy right? It's not, not when you think like me. I would like to, but shyness gets in the way and the girls I actually like I just can't talk to them because I am nervous and I want to make a good impression on them. I don't want to blow my chance with a girl I am into. However, I usually don't even say a word to them at all because I think they might not like me or I see them talking to other guys and then I start to wonder if they are in a relationships. So I put things off and say I will do it tomorrow.

I guess my main point from this blog is never put things off. If you see a girl you like then go after her and if you get rejected who cares because there are lots of girls in the world. I should take this advice too, because I talk myself out and then I go back to my ways of being antisocial. Oh well, I guess we all have flaws that we can make better and I know I'll date I just have to be more aggressive. So if you ever need to pray for something, pray for me that I'll get the coconuts to ask a girl out. Joking! Don't really pray for that, but if you really want to, I am not going to try and stop you. I couldn't anyways because I don't even know who would read my blog. Hopefully some of the girls I like read this blog. The only reason I would want that is because then they can see how I really am. I do use this blog and facebook to market me and show the world how I really am.

Peace out and ETTE and never let anyone try and stop you from your dreams! Sorry if the some of the sentences suck, but I don't really care because this is a blog not a college class.

Did you know that smart cars are not really smart.

I have realized my blog is negative and all I write about is frustration and how I hate people. I don't hate people, but I am frustrated, however I think I should be more positive. It is hard because it just is. I think I need to look at the good in people and not the flaws they might have. Nobody is perfect and I am not, even though I try to be the best, but I am not perfect. I have also realized sometimes we go through struggles, failures, and hardships. Those things can bring us down and the only way to move forward is to keep trying even if people may feel that there is no hope. I always write about the same stuff. Maybe the reason I have these struggles is to make me a stronger person. Or maybe these frustrations will help me in the future because maybe one day I'll be that person who meets a person who once was like me. So I can help them because I know what they went through.

I know things will improve and there has been a lot of people in my life who have helped me in ways they will never know. I feel like a jerk that I never say anything to them. It's hard for me to express how I really feel. So I would like to express my thanks to them even though they will never know that I even was glad what they did. I would also want to thank girls that just randomly came up to talk to me or invite me to their house with there friends. I was grateful for those experiences because I realized girls do have an interest in me, but I have been a negative person I have not asked them out. I am sorry that I never did and I will never say their true identities because I just can't. I want to thank those girls who did invite me, even though they may have thought I did not care.

I want to thank people in my church who talked to me or even try to befriend me because everyone needs attention and some days I was down and I it did make a difference. I have been frustrated with my ward because I feel like I don't do anything and I want to thank those people who asked me to do things because it does feel good to do stuff and I always feel like I can make a difference.

I am thankful for those people who have been there when I am down, hurt, and sad. Or who have just been my friend. They may not know that they even helped someone but they did. People are always watching you and even me. When they see good things, I think it's makes them want to be better. So I always think to myself that I need to act better sometimes because people are watching me even if I don't think people notice me at all.

Anyways to all those people who read this I wish you the best and don't ever give up your dreams because dreams are what make us live and when you lose that dream just keep pushing forward and if you do you will realize that you have come along way. I bet you probably did not know that I am think positive, but I do and I know that life is hard but if we move forward and do what is right, then everything will fall into place. I do hope it falls into place for me because sometimes I don't even know what I am doing. I just know that I have to move forward and never look back and have the faith that I'll reach my full potential.

The end

I can't even socialize and it's sad. I have gone no where in my opinion and it seems like I have regressed. I have only progressed in running, working out, and school. However, that still has not got me to where I want to be. I went to a church activity tonight and it was not that fun, I try to talk to people but it's never easy for me. I feel awkward and that is not good. I hate it, I wish I could act the way I really am, but I never can. So people probably think I am boring and that is sad. I am funny, but it is never easy for me to open up. That's is why I have failed in my opinion. I should be dating and I should be more outgoing, but I have failed. I thought I was moving forward in the right direction, but then my procrastination got in the way. I do want to date, but I can't because I don't know if it is worth it. I mean in LDS land everyone wants to get married and that is why they date. I do want to get married, but I don't want to be thinking about every girl I date could be my wife.I just want to have fun and when I meet the right girl then I'll marry that girl.

I am annoyed, but I still must move forward. Sometimes I wonder why I even should try because sometimes everything just seems to fall a part at once. I know I can't quit because only losers quit. I am not trying to be rude, I just feel that quitting is never the answer to any problem. There has been so many times when I have wanted to quit and go back to my old ways. Then I think of the future and I realize I can't. I have hope and hope is the only thing that prevents me from quitting. I belive that if I do the right things, everything will fall into place.

I can't focus and it's sad. I try to focus but I seem to not be able to get anything accomplished. I am frustrated and then other stupid things get in the way of the important things. I can't rest or sleep , my hip flexor bothers me. I know I should rest, but I don't because I am addicted to running and it's sick. I am not trying to be funny. I can't quit, it's like I have to run even though my body hurts like hell. I like that feeling and I need it to live. It is an addiction and it's sad that I can't even rest for a short time, because I'll probably destroy myself.

I am also a procrastinator, I hate my job and yet I have done nothing to get out of that place. Four years of that place is starting to get on my nerves. It's just part of that so called rut I do. I would also say working for that company is not worth it. I have busted my butt off for that company, but they don't care about hard work. So I must get out of there, I sure hope that I'll find a better place because I am sick of working there and it gets to the point where you just want to yell at every employee and tell them how lazy they are. I won't do that because there is no point, it's just better for me to go somewhere else.

Running is really an addiction and I wish I had the power to stop when I have to, but I can't because I feel like I would be a failure if I rested. That is another thing that bothers me about me. I have this perfectionist attitude, I want to be the best and everything and even when people say good job or congratualtions. I never think it's good enough and I always think it can be better. I know that's not good, because nobody is perfect. I have to be good, because I feel like I have to show people that I am good. I know that is messed up, but that is the way I think sometimes.

I know my writings can be depressing sometimes and I am sorry and I don't even know why I am sorry because this is who I am. Most people don't really know me, they don't truly know who I am. That is why I use this blog and facebook to show people who I really am. Usually I am quiet most of the time, unless I am around people I know. I would say I use facebook for my humor. I make videos so people can laugh because I like making people laugh. I also like writing jerky comments on people's facebook status because I get a rise if I get on people's nerves. I like to tease people and if I don't really joke with some people it's because I don't really like them and they make me feel awkward. I would also say I use my blog to show the more serious side of me. Behind every joke and every comment there is a reason and that is what this blog shows. It shows people who I really am and that I do have hopes and dreams just like everybody else.

It's over

The pain is annoying and I seem not to be able to heal or recover quickly. I can't run my race tonight because my hip flexor hurts and I went on a five mile run earlier in the day. That's the price I pay for going crazy and never resting. Another setback and it's sad. I am sitting here typing on a computer that is also sad. I should be out on a date or something, but I am to big of of goob to ask a girl out. I have not met any girls that I want to take out anyways. All the girls I have met are scary and are not attractive to me. I don't feel bad for saying that because you can't like someone you are not attracted to.

I also use my car as another excuse why I don't date. It's a hud and I would not take a girl out in my car. Unless, I did not like her than I would take her in my car. Joking! However, I would never take a girl I am not into in the first place. Why I am even talking about dating? I am no expert on dating. I want to date, but there are no girls that I want to date. There where some awhile ago, but I just put things off and never got around to asking them out. Oh well I don't care, it's there lost anyways. How is it there lost? I don't know, but I do know that I am not a ugly person and I am tall and attractive. That is not cocky, it just the way I feel about myself. Then why would I not ask any girls out if I think I am so dang good looking? I don't know, I just feel like dating is not fun. It's only fun if the girl is cool and knows how to have fun. I also don't want to waste my money on a date that is awkward. I guess dating is always awkward, but that is usually the first date. If it is bad, you never have to call them back.

I am being negative, but that's me sometimes. Some person complained about me being negative at work. I thought it was funny because they should know just as well as me that the company we work for does not care about us and it is a dead end job. I know that is also negative, but when nothing changes and you get stuck in a rut for about four years or more, that is when you start to lose hope that things will get better. I know that if I want to change something I have to do it myself, but I cant do it alone. I need help, but I'm an stubborn person and I never want help. I always want to do it myself.

I know I will date and I'll even get a better car. I just have not found any girl that I want to get to know better. I hope I do and one day I hope I'll find that girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. That's the only thing that I want in this life. I think relationships are the greatest thing because they make you complete and no job or car can do that. I don't know why I am thinking about that, it's just a dream. I know it will come true, I just have to move forward and it will come true. I also know that having your own family is also one of the greatest things in this life. I have come to this realization, while observing people. There is nothing better, that's what life is really about. I know I have ignored my family as of late, but I have just been frustrated and I just don't want to do anything. That rut I've been in has brought me down sometimes, but I know it will get better.

When you get older you rather do your own thing than be with your family. I do my own thing alot, but I am not trying to go after a girl. I want to, but I just can't. I don't know why I think that, but I just cant do it. Something keeps me from moving forward in all things in my life. That is fear. Why would I be afraid to date? I don't know, but if I do ever find that girl want to spend the rest of my life with. I fear that I can't fail, because where I come from guys are supposed to make all the money, while your wife stays at home and watches the kids. I actually think it's a mutal decision. I still feel like I have to be perfect because that is how I think and if I fall short, then why would any girl want to be with me? I am no loser, but I want to be something and I don't want to be that person who settles for less. I also want to help people because I know I can and I feel like I should.

If you read this please stop because I wrote this blog for me and not for you and I can sue anyone who reads my blog because it's against the law to read another person's blog. Joking!

Why I run in pain

I hurt like no other, but still must run. Why do I run? I have something to prove to me and the world that I am no quitter. No pain no game and that is why I run. While people are having fun with loved ones I am training working and working so one day I can be the best at what I do. I am not talking about running. I am talking about life. Whatever I do I have to be the best and when I get to where I get to, I can't just quit and think I am settled. I will never settle because I can always become better at all things and that is my belief. I must go now and run and if you ever see me running and I don't wave. I'm not trying to be a jerk because I am in the zone when I am running. I don't pay attention to who sees me. I have to focus on my pace and my stride.

I also want to say on a random note that the BYU and Utah rivalry is stupid and nobody really even cares who wins because it's just a game. The University of Utah is a great school and all those goobs who say they could not ever go to a school like that. Get real! It's just a school and there are always weirdos at every school in this world and it's not just the University of Utah. I am sick of those people who say the University of Utah is different. It's not, it's the same as a high school except everyone is grown up.

There may be liberals, but oh well if you can handle that then maybe you should stay inside and never come out of your shell. I live in a shell as well, but that is my fault anyways. All those people who say they can't well you can, because anybody can do anything they set their mind to. It's not hard, it's just called hard work and never quitting. What is that random thought for? I don't know, I just thought I would give a little motivational thought because I have learned you can do anything in this world you want to, as long as you believe in yourself and work hard. Peace out and I must go run now in pain and one day I'll overcome my injuries and it will be great.

What are you looking at ?

I have thought to myself that I am the reason for my shortcomings not anyone else. I get mad and frustrated sometimes, but it's my fault. If I really wanted to do something then I have the power to do it. I just don't care anymore, I go to social events and they suck. I can't stand the people there because they are so "word I can't say" clique. Idon't even know how to spell cique and I don't really care. Anyways I have become antisocial and it's my fault, but I don't even care anymore because people are fake, the ones I meet. Like my so called friends. They are not my friends they only call if they need something. Like the other day, my one friend calls me and asks me for a controller and they figured I had a Playstatin 3 and I don't, but that is the only reason they called me.

I don't care anymore because I have come to the point that I really don't fit in with that group of people that I am supposedly a part of. I am not a part of those groups. My parents don't buy me things like their parents do and I am usually at work, so I can't relate to them becaue my whole life since I've been sixteen, I've spent working and going to school. Yes, I am jealous of them, why? Because they get to have fun while I do a pointless routine for a company that is too cheap to give a raise or even praise. It only gives me money to live and that's all it's good for. I'll rant about my job another day, but now I have better things to rant about.

I also love when people ask me stupid questions like what are you doing for the weekend? Maybe nothing I am sure as hell not going to invite myself to hang out with people. There is also times when I do get invited and I have no desire to hangout with those people at all. The reason why is because some people are just boring and I rather workout or go running then waste time hanging out with people. I know am being a jerk, but I am tired of trying to be positive. Why should I? I tried and I become more antisoical and frustrated. But it's my fault anyways right? I don't really care who reads this because I am not your friend, because the only friends I have is me. That may be a jerk comment, but I think people only care about themselves. They expect something in return when they do help out others. I am like that too and I know that is irrational thinking, but I don't care anymore because why should I?

I am sorry that I am being negative, but I just annoyed as of late. I do what is right, but that does not mean anything at all. I am sorry, but if I really wanted to change something then I have to have the coconuts to do it. Everything people complain about is really their fault. We choose how we want to be and think. If we think like that, then it must be true. I do sometimes but I know that we have to have adversity because it makes us better and stronger. If we never had problems then we would never know what it's like to live. I won't quit because I am not a quitter. You can judge me and say what you want, but I will never quit and work hard because I know I'll reach my full potential. I just have to be patient and it will all come together. I just want to thank all those people who ignore me and judge me. You give me motivation to be better and show everyone that I am a good person and I want everyone to know that I am good and that I do care, but sometimes I can' show it because that is my personality. I'll never quit as long as I have a pulse.

People are reading and it's creepy

People are reading my blog and I don't like it because now I feel like I have to watch what I write. This one kid I know thinks I hate people in my own church. I don't hate my own members, I just get sick of it sometimes. I get sick of the cliques. I am not a part of any, because I am more anti-social, I prefer to do things alone. Unless there is someone I really like then I'll try to be more soical, but recently I have not found any girls that I want to get to know better. There are a few, but I don't know if they are into me. I am not going to be creepy about it and stalk them. I just need to ask them out if I really like them.

Anyways, I started blogging for my class and I liked writing for my blog because no one knew why I did it or even why I wrote it. I felt it as more of an outlet to relieve stress. It feels great when I write how I really feel and I am sorry that I might offend people. This is who I am, I am not a bad person, but I do have chips on my shoulders that I carry and that is why I am so hardcore when it comes to competition and other things in this life. I justwant to show people that I am good and I don't think that's a bad thing to do.

It is my fault for letting people see my blog. I have the link on facebook. I just wanted to see if people would actually check it out and I guess some have. It's kind of creepy, but oh well I can't worry what everyone thinks about me. If I do that, then I'll destroy myself. I have been frustrated over the past few weeks, but it's my fault anyways. If I really wanted to change something then I would do it myself. No one can change anybody, you have to be the one that wants to change. I have learned that in my own life. I have changed for the better and wonder if it's worth it. So far, I would say no, but I know it will get better in the end.

Pain

I am in pain and I thought I was in some serious pain the other day. This is worse and it's bad. My body hurts when I am sitting down. My hip flexor hurts like hell and so does my ankle. I don't know if I ever will recover. It's getting to the point where I can't handle it. I ran today, but I was not 100%. This is the price I pay for wanting to win at running. Is it worth it? I guess only time will tell.

Just like I learned with anything in life, is it worth it?

Why we do what we do

I got to hear one of my family members rant on why they think they are better than other people and that people who work certain jobs are losers. It made me mad because nobody is a loser no matter what they do. We can't judge someone because of what they do or where they work. They can always change and I believe that. Then this family member of mine also ranted on why they are better because they have a college degree. I understand where they are coming from, but then I thought why do we go to college? The answer is simple, we go to get more money but, we also go because we want to help people in our own unique way.

That is why I go to school. I also go to grow and learn, but I do want to help people through my talents. I want to be an graphic designer, web designer, or interior designer because I want people to get that same joy when they see a picture or something that I designed. Art has inspired me and I know if I could inspire one person, then it's worth it. Even if I don't do anything in art, I still have to help people no matter how crappy life can get. There are people out there who need help. People have helped me and I know that there are similar people in the world like me and I know I can help them because of my experiences.

I know sometimes things don't work out always. We fall short of our goals and we fall short of where we think we should be in this life. I do know that if were patient it will all work out. Success does not happen overnight. For me nothing really has happened, but I won't quit because I believe that it will all work out and everything that I am supposed to do, I will do in this life. I know there will be more struggles and heartbreaks throughout this life. I know the most important thing is to work hard in everything that you do. That is what I really believe in. I believe in hard work no matter how stupid the task may be or a job is. I know that hard work is a key to success. I also think you can never think you are better than something, people, or jobs. That is when pride comes and that is when you fall. I have been prideful and I realized it does not help me or other people.

We are not better than anybody because we all have faults and I think that is what we have to realize. We may excel at different things, but those are our talents and that we should use those talents to help people. I have come to a realization that in the end it doesn't really matter what kind of car you drove, what job you had, or how big your house was. It all comes down to if we helped people. Did we comfort those who need comfort? Or did we visit those who are alone? Or did we say hi to those people you don't know? There are many more things that we can do to help one another. If we helped everyone, the world would be different than it is today.

I do want to help people in my own way. It's hard sometimes and I know I need to work on it more. I know if I do help others, then my life can and will move forward and that I'll never have to look back at the past. I do care for people, but it's hard to sometimes in this competitive world because it seems like we are all out to be better than each other.

It seems weird to me that I writing about this because I don't really like showing people how I really think. But this is how I think and I do value hard work out of anything in this life. Why do I? because in my life it's gives me hope. It gives me the hope that everything will and can be everything we want it to be. If we also help others we will be happier than we were before. Last thing I want to say is never give up not matter how bad life sucks. There is light at the end of the tunnel as long as we keep moving one step forward.

injured

I am really hurt and I don't know why. Actually I do know why I hurt, because I never rest. I am in some pain that I have never been in before. My hip flexor does nag me, but now it is even worse. I can still run fast but when I rest it, it hurts bad. I think my career as a raller is over. Not it's not, but I know if I was a one hundred percent I could run faster and my times would be better. I don't know if I'll ever heal because I can't quit. I like the feeling you get when you run and the power I feel when I am running. It is a drug and I don't know if I'll ever stop.

Alone

People think that if you go to a soical event you will feel welcomed. I don't when I go to my ward's activities.I never feel like I am apart of that group. I feel like an outsider, even though I joke and talk to some cute girls, I still feel like I don't belong. No matter what I do I never feel good enough and I feel like I have to prove myself to other people because I feel that people lable me sometimes for certain things I did not do in the LDS church. I never went on an LDS mission and I got some crap for it, but that was one reason why I went into isolation for awhile. I was sick of people giving me crap for not going. I am not a bad LDS person for not going, but I still feel like I am different, no matter what I do. That is why I always try my hardest in everything I do because I want to prove those people wrong. I wan't them to know that I am not a bad person and that I can make it just as much as any LDS person that went on a mission. These may be negative thoughts but this is how I feel and how I act. No matter what I do, it can be better. I am a perfectionist and it's bad sometimes, but I guess that is something I can work on.

These thoughts have made me feel alone sometimes because those people don't know what I went through and everytime I open up to other people I hate talking about myself, because I always think they are judging me. That is why I don't ask out girls sometimes. There are some girls that I really do want to date, but I am always wondering what they are thinking about me. I know I am a attractive young man and I am not trying to be cocky. However, my thoughts get in the way from letting me having good realationships with girls I like. There are girls I met in my ward tonight that I really like, but I feel that they don't like me. They could, but I always sell myself short because I wonder why a girl would like me and why would they want to get to know me. I am attractive, but I am not something yet. These thoughts are what have prevented me from progressing in this life. It's not good, but I always think the worse. I always wonder why should I get what I want, when there is so many people in this world that don't get what they want.

I still believe that I'll get better and I'll never quit. I wanted to quit a lot of times in my life. I wonder why I even try to do the right thing sometimes. Sometimes nothing good comes out of doing the right thing. Sometimes I have been alone for standing up for the right thing and wonder is it even worth it. Then you see people that do what they want in this life and they seem pretty happy. I guess that ist the purpose of this life is to be tested and to grow from one's experiences. When nothing happens and you just do the exact same thing for the past four years, that is when you start to lose hope.

Life has gotten better, but I still don't feel like I have reached my true potential. It's frustrating and I am sick of doing the same old crap over and over again. I know if I move and keep moving it will work out. I hope it does because I need to move forward in this life and I will and I know if I try my best life can turn out the way it was meant to be. Progessing in this life is my ultimate dream because I would like to know what it is like to be married or even have a career. I know people may think these are lame, but these are my happy thoughts and everytime I think about those things, I have hope and I know that I can't give up. I won't quit, even if I do make it in my own terms, I still wont quit. I know that when I stop, that is when I can fall back down again. My plan is to never quit and always keep moving forward and trying my best in everything I do.