RuNNing

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." Sometimes it's hard to find the joy especially when you can't seem to move forward the way you thought you should. I do move forward when I go running or ride the stationary bike everyday, but every time I run I go back to where I started from. Some days you run and the only thing you feel is pain and you wonder what's the point. As you run you see people you care for driving in their cars. They say you ignore them and you say to them you don't. In reality you see them and you ignore them. I ignore them because in reality they never cared about me, but for that small moment they act like they're your  friend. Yet, I learn that people who see me running are not really my friends. Are they there for me when I need someone? or when I'm all alone? The answer is  no. So I keep running and saying in my mind it will get better; yet it never does. As we move forward we keep getting closer to the end (death). Who wants to die. They say only the good die young and that is probably true because all the people who are not that good have to experience life. Some people are good and they live forever. Maybe it's because they are suppose to teach us to be better. As I run I wonder why  do I think of pointless things. There are times I think of the future and say it will get better. I'll get what I want. The days I try are the days I fail. Nothing comes to my mind. All the dreams I ever wanted were unrealistic and so I run and run. Now it gets colder and I wonder why do I keep running. There is really no point. The girls that I like that see me run don't care. If they did care they would want to spend more time with me. Yet, no one does and so it sets fuel to the fire and it makes me run harder and harder in the cold. The only thing I get from running in to cold is a cold. I think I'm legit because I'm the only person running in the Winter time. Then I see another person running and it sets me off because I wanted to be that person known for running and that gives me more fuel to the fire. At what cost? Using my anger/frustrations don't really change me. The only thing that does change me is my thoughts and actions. It's so hard to let go especially when people hurt you or are never there for you. It's hard to let go when you worked hard and the only thing you get is more anger. So I keep running and running and wonder when it will all be good again. Maybe it never will. In order to change, you actually have to do. You can think all you want and until you do that you will just keep experiencing the same thing over and over and some people say that's the definition of insanity. So I run and I know what I should do, but I don't do. People wonder why. I wish I could tell them especially the ones I care for. I know if I did then maybe they would start to realize that I'm not a scrub hanging on my best friend's ride and trying to holler at you. I wish people knew, but who really wants people to know the real you. It's a sign of weakness to show people who you really are and so I hide my emotions, but in reality I'm insecure and care what people think. I wish I could turn back time to the good old days..Now we're stressed out.