never

I'm good looking and any girl would want to date me and they don't really care what I drive and what I do as long I plan on moving forward and doing the right thing. That is a bunch of crap, I don't believe in anything anymore. I'm the same and I will never get better. Whatever I do it's never good enough, so why would I enjoy life. It is not fun, it never has and it never will be. I have hope, but those things never come true. I am sick of it and I can't take the isolation crap anymore. I get to enjoy watching people move forward, why I can't even get to place next door. I may move forward in other things such as school and running, but that does not mean crap especially when you are alone. I can't talk because I get so nervous and that is not normal and I feel like everyone is my competition and they think they are better than me. This irrational thinking destroys me and I can't move forward. No one cares anyways because I realized people don't give a crap what happens to me. Nobody would know if I was gone, but who cares because I am nothing. Just a number to this world. It's my fault and it is and everything is my fault and that is why I don't move forward because of me and not you or anyone else in the world. I am the reason for my shortcomings, but I just need a little help, but I realized nobody cares and why should they care about me because nobody cares about me, but my family. Why do I think that? My whole life I have never done anything. I just worked and that ruined me. I need to socialize and if there is anyone out there help me or just pray for me that one day I'll reach my full potential.

Darkness

I don't know how people can like Fall. I hate Fall, it just makes me more sad that it is getting closer to the winter. I hate winter because winter reminds me of death and darkness. I don't know why it does, it just does. I hate the darkness it makes me sad and I do not know how anyone can enjoy the Winter. I hate driving in snow, but I don't mind running in snowstoms because it makes me feel invincible. I run no matter what the weather is like, but I still hate winter. I guess I need to move somewhere it does not snow. Winters in Utah are not that bad compared to other places.

Sometimes the snow can be romantic, but you have to be with a girl in order for that to happen. The glow of the snow at night is something beautiful. It's errie but it is cool because the glow is light. It is great to know that there is light in the darkest of days and that is why I think it is cool. But when your alone, winters are depressing and sad. That is why it's good to have friends because sometimes you need people to cheer you up when the days are miserable and dark.

I don't know if I'll ever enjoy winters because I don't really have a girlfriend or friends that I hang out with every weekend. The only thing that keeps my mind off Winter is school and running. Sometimes winters in Utah are dry, so I always hope for those kind of Winters even though we need water to live. I should not think about Winter, I should think about the good of Winter like Christmas, New Years Eve, but those thoughts can be sad as well.

The reason I think that is because Christmas reminds me of happy thoughts and sometimes it is sad to reflect on the happy times. I know that sounds weird, but every happy moment has an end and that is why it is sad. I guess that is why it is important to make every moment count because we don't know when our time is up. It is important to do good and make every person we meet better than they were before. Those are the most important things not money, possesions, and status. I need to help people and I hope I have more opportunites to uplift people in this life. People have been there for me and I hope that I can do the same for them when they are in need.

Lost my smile

I lost my smile and I am sad because I just am. I don't know if I'll ever be happy because I always think about what I don't have. I feel bad that I think like that because I want more. I got a better car than my last one, but I still don't know if I like it. I feel bad because I wasted money on it. Oh well it's just a car and who cares, but I do and I can't stop thinking about. They say people like you for who you are. I don't believe that, I believe that people like things that you have as well. So I regret buying a car, even though I needed a new one. I liked my old car, It was a piece of crap, but I had it since I was seventeen years old. It is hard to adjust and I don't know if I ever will. I miss it now even though I was ashamed of driving it. I hate cars anyways because they are just stupid. However, I need one to get around, but one day I hope I can live without using a car. I hope to live someday close to my work. I think that would be cool because I enjoy a nice walk and I don't think a car is that important. I will have one, but it is cool to think about a world with no cares. Just sitting back and enjoying life, but here in the USA that will never happen. I respect those countries that are different than us because they may have nothing, but they seem happy. So I guess posessions don't make anyone happy. They can, but they won't last forever. I know that is true because buying things only make me happy for a certain amount of time. I don't buy anything anymore so I don't even know what it's like to waste money on toys. I have to pay for funner things like tuition. It's frustrating because sometimes college does not seem worth it. From my point of view, why do I go? I don't really know, but I know I am supposed to and that is why I do it. That has been my whole life story. I have done everything because I am supposed to and that is stupid. It makes life less fun and I don't even know if I will get back to those days when I was happy. The only thing I look forward to these days is doing my church calling. I get to prepare the sacrament in my ward. It may be small, but if feels great because I am actually doing something worthwhile. I also hate the weekends. They use to be fun, but I just go running and working out because I don't have anywhere to go. I want to date, but fear gets in the way and so I do nothing.

I fear dating, because what if it actually works out and then I grow up. I have realized I am scared of change and that is so sad. I should be happy for change, but I can't handle it because it's hard for me. I hate change and I don't know if I'll ever like it. I always think of the worse that could happen when dealing with change and that is why I do the same rut over and over. So I hope that one day I'll overcome, but who knows if that will ever happen. I hope to one day know what it's like grow up and know what it's like to have a family. But that seems forever and I don't know if it will ever happen. I am done and hope to one day, be back to where I once was.

thoughts

Life is hard and sometimes I wonder why. It's like the more you grow up, the more problems you might have to endure. It's not like they are horrible problems, but they are problems that make life less fun. That is what I think about when I am dealing with money. I like saving my money, but then things like college tuition and other things make my savings dwindle and that is frustrating because you work so hard and it just could go all away in a blink of an eye.

I guess that is kind of like life. We could all go away like in a blink of an eye. I have realized that I should focus on the more important things in life because we don't know when our time is up. It does not really matter if I have my dream car or dream career. I have learned it's more important that I help people and make them better. When I have actually helped people for the right reasons it feels good and you can't get that feeling when you're at school or at work. I really do want to help people because I know there are people that need help.

Real

Everything I say and do is fake. It's all for attention. It's true because when you are a quiet person you need and crave attention. That is why I do the things I do. I wear all black when I run because I want people to notice me. I wear sunglasses that are tinted so you can't see my eyes. I do it all for attention. But, what do I get for it? nothing. I am antisocial and it's my fault if I really wanted to talk, wouldn't I have the guts to go talk to people and go invite myself to do things with other people? I don't and that is the reason why I failed because I don't socialize and it's my fault. It's hard to talk to people when you feel like you don't belong to any group of people. I don't feel ever good enough and that is why I am quiet. I know I am better than people at things, but I don't feel good enough and that is why I am the way I am. I don't feel good enough to date and I always feel that people judge me. This is not the way to live and don't ever think like me because it ruins you and your soul. It makes you feel worthless and whatever you do it is never good enough. I lived with this thought process forever and I don't know if I'll ever recover. I see people date and have fun, while I am sitting there feeling weird and like I don't belong. I am a good looking person, but that does not mean crap because I always feel like I don't belong. The reason I don't feel like I don't belong is because in the LDS world I did not do certain things and sometimes it makes me want to show everyone that I have something to prove. I go to church activities, but I still feel out of place. I do have a chip on my shoulder and I have to show everybody up and that is why I don't socialize as much. I know that is not right, but I still can't come overcome this thinking and I can't let my guard down. I don't think I'll ever change, I have hope, but it always seems to fall apart. But it's my fault for being antisocial. I hear about all my friends talking about all these girls they dated and that is sad because I can count all the dates on one hand. It feels like I am the same and that hurts because you wished you could experience some sort of progression. I write about the same stuff and this is the same stuff that bothers me. I guess it will never get better, but who cares because it's my fault. I hate socializing, I used to like it, but now I just can't even do anything. You get used to being antisocial after awhile. You have hope that one day you'll do something, but then those thoughts go from weeks, months and then to years.

Reading this is so much better than reading a book

What am I smoking? I just read some of the stuff I wrote on some of my blogs and I feel like I have to punch myself in the face. What a goob, ha ha ha. Yeah I don't want people to know what I really think because I just don't and I can't believe that sometimes I write what I want and who I really am. I realized I can't do that because it's better to have people guessing what you are. Ta da! There you have it you know something about me and that I am a person who has hope and believes it will get better. But, why would I want you to know? oh well I don't care because probably about zero people read my rants. At least my blogs are not fake like some people's blogs.