If you want to feel pain or the feeling of failure, I suggest you log onto facebook and see what people from your past are doing. I often have logged onto facebook to see what people have become or what they are doing. Sometimes I look and feel like such a failure. I see some people with their own houses, kids, companies, and lives I thought they would never have. It hurts because deep down inside we all compare ourselves to each other. If you say you don't, you know that is not true. Sometimes I think maybe they are just showing what they want us to see and not really how their lives really are. If so, it does not matter because you come to the conclusion that you're the failure and that everything you have not become is your fault. A friend of mine told to me to stop being a pansy the other day and to man up. Then a girl I actually like said I'm kind of a slacker because I say what I want to become, but I never do anything to get there. Yes, the truth hurts and there is no sugar coating the truth. I realize that in life I have failed and running away from my failures get me nothing in the end. I could tell those people about me. Like why I freeze up in real life situations, but they would not understand. People tend to conclude what I am by not what I have done. Another girl I liked once told me I'm good enough, but in the end she was wrong because I feel that I'm only good enough to watch other people grow and watch them progress while I just sit and wait for the opportune moment. Yes, I realize there is no opportune moment. Nobody really cares about you or your life, you just have to make your own moments of greatness. Seeing other people live the dreams that I want to live make me so mad because as a competitor I know that I could give them a run for their money. My whole life I have learned that I can work harder and endure longer to the end than most people. Not trying to be cocky. In the end that does not matter. Companies don't care if you spend hours on end trying to make something perfect. I have worked and worked and thought if I work hard I'll get somewhere, but in the end I just got nothing in return. I have learned that you can't sit in the same place and expect something better. When you get to the end of a job, school, or event, you can't give up and think something is going to happen. You have to make it happen.
Life has it's moments. Sometimes we fail and sometimes we excel. There may be moments when we don't do either, where we are in the same rut over and over again. Those are the moments that make you who you are. The moments when you think all is lost and there is no hope. When you see no light at the end of the tunnel or no rainbow after the storm. That is when you keep going. Some people say only look out for yourselves and do what is best for you. I have never believed that because wherever you are, you should always do your best and look out for other people. I feel that people don't look out for other people, they only look out for only themselves. That is so wrong. Yes, we may be cheated or work a horrible job, but that does not mean we should not do our best. It's hard not to when all is lost. I often think to myself will I ever improve? Will I be that person that people see, that I don't see? I never see it. All I see is a person who talks about his past (like I got a college degree) and never do anything after that. I'm like athletes past their prime. I talk about what I once was and now I sit here and type my problems on a keyboard thinking it will get better, while not trying to make things better.
Yes, it really hurts when you don't move forward. It hurts when you hurt other people. It hurts when girls break your heart or you have to break their heart. It even hurts when all you taste is the same thing over and over again. I wonder if I'll ever change. Some days all I see is nothing and don't believe in me. I sit and watch other people lives on facebook and that is not LIVING! I don't want to see their lives. I want to make them to see me and wish they had my life. Don't we all? Deep down inside I think we are all competitors, but then I realize that is really not the purpose of life.
It's not to be better or make your friends feel bad. It's to raise them up and make them feel that life is going to be okay. It's going out of your way to help someone in need. Not doing it for your glory or ego, but for the goodness of your heart. Maybe my life will become better, but I realize it all comes down to me. I'm the master of my ship and I'm the one that determines my destiny. In the end, all that will matter is who I helped make a better person and if I don't, then I guess I really did waste my time here on earth........
