walking on the sand

The past few days I had the privilege to see people from my past. I don't want to see them especially when they never believed in me. Some were friends I grew up with and some were people I met the past few years and one was a girl I pined for in 2014. I wonder why I had to run into them. Is it fate. Or is it some other power to let them know that I'm a scrub and they should be happy they did not pick me. The other day I saw the girl I pined for in 2015. She is dang beautiful yet no one ever goes for her. I don't get it, but I realized I could not ever go for her either because in the end they find out who you really are and why you are the way you are. They say you can change, but it's so effing hard. I'm not an addict or some troublesome person that causes trouble. I'm just a person who is afraid of moving forward. I thought I would and I realize I have not. It's like running in real life. I keep running, but I end up in the same place. I'm sure my family hates me for failing. Hates me for never changing. I wished they realized I tried, but maybe not hard enough. The other day a leader of mine told me I could do better and I know I can, but it's hard when you get nervous over pointless things. I envy those people who had it easy with that. My whole life it's been frustrating. I thought always doing the right thing would get you places. I thought working hard in internships and in school would get you somewhere. I thought hard work beat out talent any day. Maybe I'm wrong or I did not try hard enough, but I did back in those days when the sun was always out and you never get cold and you realize you're going to be forever young. Yet, the day I went to the hospital (not for me) I realized we all have to die. We're never going to be forever young (when we die we will be young) in this life. So you have to make decisions that determine your future. Yet, I could not I have not and I don't know if I ever will. I want to so bad, but fear gets in the way. Some people tell me you can change, by changing your thoughts or taking medication, but in the end you're always  going to have to decide what to do. So if bad things happen, I should realize it's my fault. I thought the man upstairs helped you when you're down and you did his will. Maybe he is and maybe the man upstairs is trying to test you to see if you will choose the light over darkness. It's hard to be positive when you never know what the future holds. Some days I wish I could be forever young. I feel young, but I know every day you get closer to the end and you have to decide what to do with the time you have been given.  Yet, the time I have been given I wasted. I did some good things, but I did not do the things to help me move forward. I do keep running, but I keep coming back to where I started from. This place is sick of me. It's time to shake off the rust and make a move, but the fear (anxiety) gets in the way and so I fail kind of like Lebron James in the past two NBA finals. Dang. I wish people knew that I cared, but they don't care that I cared. Yes, I maybe be losing in my mind, but I know I can change and I think of all the people that never believed in me and I say thank you because I know one day I'll be who I'm suppose to be. Or maybe I'm already am I just need to take one more giant leap and one more small step..