"There will be no sunlight if I lose you baby". Bruno Mars is right, yet I have never had a girlfriend in my life. I wonder why that song gets to me. Maybe it's because it makes me reflect on my life and realize what I have become. What I see is a person who plateaued. A person who has talked more than actually do. Maybe that's why it hurts. Yet, I wonder why no girl wants to be with me. It's not that hard to figure out. Girls don't want scrubs. Looks can only get you so far. They say it's not about money, but if you ever meet that person you want to be with, they don't want to be with someone who can't  be there for them. Maybe that is why I have to leave when it gets good because in the end they will find out the truth. The truth that I have become nothing what I said I once would become. Maybe I have not become anything because of anxiety or the fear of failing. I sometimes use that for a crutch.  Yet in the end, I will be held accountable for never stepping up. It hurts to know the truth. It hurts when girls you like can't like you back. When you think about it, you realize maybe I was right the whole time. I'm not good enough. Only good enough to see everyone else get their happiness. Good enough to watch girls I wanted to be with go for some jerk off who does not treat them right. I wonder why I get so sad because when you see it you realize they did something with their life and that is why they went for that person. Sometimes it's hard to swallow, but I wonder why because when you take a look at what you are, then you realize who would want to be with that? Some people say I am so hard on myself, yet I know I can do better because everyday I'm here, I'm wasting time. I waste time everyday of my life and I say I will change, yet I never do. I wonder why I'm so afraid of the real world when in reality I know I could do a better job then most people. Yet my fears creep in my head and I sell myself short. I tell myself I'll show these people up. Yet they always win because they keep moving forward while I hold onto the past and never let go. I remember things people said from my past and I hold onto to it. Yet the only thing that does it make me look like the baby. I wonder why we can't just let go and move forward. Maybe it's because the past was great and we think it's great and can't see anything better. With me it's the fear of failing.  It hurts to fail. It hurts to have your ego bruised. It hurts when you know the truth  and the only thing you  can do is reflect on what you don't do. It hurts to never move forward. It hurts, but why should I care? I look and see the world and it's a effing mess. There is so much more drama in the world then what I go through. Of course I will not always have success in dating. Of course I will hurt people as well. Of course I will not always succeed in my career. Stuff will happen. Some days it's hard to overcome especially when you feel all alone. Yet in reality we are never really alone. There is something out there that looks out for us. Some say it's the man upstairs. Some people say if he really does exist then why does he leave me in my hour of need? Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he is waiting for you to talk or help you with open arms. God can't tell you how to be. We have to decide how to be. What I learn is when things don't work out, it's probably best to remember the good and look ahead and keep moving forward. When you don't move on the best thing to do is help people. I have learned that no matter what, people always need help. It does not matter what they did to you in the past. You just have to realize that they're human too. When things don't go your way don't look at what they did to you. Look at what you can do for them. That's the only thing I know. So when life gets dark and dreary, forget about yourself and realize what you can do for people. That's the only thing I can do in this life. Everything else does not matter. The only thing I want people to know about me when my time on this earth is coming to an end is that I actually cared. It's so hard to show that you care when they don't think you do. In the end that is all that matters. I have hurt people and it hurts to know. I wish I could tell them I'm sorry or wish I could just tell them it's okay if they hurt me. Life is so short. It's so pointless to hold grudges over things that are so juvenile.  However, that is life, to learn from your experiences and grow and be prepared when you go onto your next experience...and to look out for those who need help.

-JM