Frosted Flakes

What do I stand for?  Most nights, I don't know anymore. I sit awake and wonder. I wonder why I care. I get on social media and see people from my past and I wonder what the hello? These people got married. This girl has a kid. The people I see now don't care what happened to me. I wonder why I care. People say they don't care, but deep down inside (shallow) we care. We care because we see people we know and you wonder why you can't have what they have. I know  people are glad to see me fail or see people from their past fail. They say it's not a competition, but in our minds it is. I never met anyone who is truly happy for somebody else. I have met people who say they are happy for others, but some of those people to me seem like tools of the world and try to humble brag so they can get a person to fall for them. I wonder why those people annoy me. I try to give the humble braggers the benefit of the doubt, but most of them are tools. Then I think and realize nobody is perfect and maybe they really are trying to be sincere, but some people are not. Some people are so fake and for years it bothered me and I wonder why I give a DANG when I should be working on myself and not wasting my time on other people's problems or lives. In the end you have to help yourself and you can't waste time/years worrying about other people. I care, but people tell me not to  care. It's so hard to give it up, but maybe they're right. Maybe when you focus on you that is when you can heal. That is when the anger goes away. I was always  taught you should care for others  even if you're depressed or have no hope. Someone told me you can't if you are, but that's not true. You can make a difference you just have to dig a little bit deeper to show people that you care and maybe when you care for people for all the right reasons, that is when it starts to change. I don't know for sure because some things change, but I seem to always be the same and maybe that's just the way it is. Some things never change. Maybe it's because I like it or I'm afraid to be the real me because it's awkard. It's awkward for people to see the real you. To see that you care and want them to be happy. So I'll never show people the real me because in the end you just get hurt and the only thing you realize is that  Sometimes you've got to bleed to know,That you're alive and have a soul, But it takes someone to come around to show you how. I wish someone could come around and make me feel like I'm alive again...

RuNNing

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." Sometimes it's hard to find the joy especially when you can't seem to move forward the way you thought you should. I do move forward when I go running or ride the stationary bike everyday, but every time I run I go back to where I started from. Some days you run and the only thing you feel is pain and you wonder what's the point. As you run you see people you care for driving in their cars. They say you ignore them and you say to them you don't. In reality you see them and you ignore them. I ignore them because in reality they never cared about me, but for that small moment they act like they're your  friend. Yet, I learn that people who see me running are not really my friends. Are they there for me when I need someone? or when I'm all alone? The answer is  no. So I keep running and saying in my mind it will get better; yet it never does. As we move forward we keep getting closer to the end (death). Who wants to die. They say only the good die young and that is probably true because all the people who are not that good have to experience life. Some people are good and they live forever. Maybe it's because they are suppose to teach us to be better. As I run I wonder why  do I think of pointless things. There are times I think of the future and say it will get better. I'll get what I want. The days I try are the days I fail. Nothing comes to my mind. All the dreams I ever wanted were unrealistic and so I run and run. Now it gets colder and I wonder why do I keep running. There is really no point. The girls that I like that see me run don't care. If they did care they would want to spend more time with me. Yet, no one does and so it sets fuel to the fire and it makes me run harder and harder in the cold. The only thing I get from running in to cold is a cold. I think I'm legit because I'm the only person running in the Winter time. Then I see another person running and it sets me off because I wanted to be that person known for running and that gives me more fuel to the fire. At what cost? Using my anger/frustrations don't really change me. The only thing that does change me is my thoughts and actions. It's so hard to let go especially when people hurt you or are never there for you. It's hard to let go when you worked hard and the only thing you get is more anger. So I keep running and running and wonder when it will all be good again. Maybe it never will. In order to change, you actually have to do. You can think all you want and until you do that you will just keep experiencing the same thing over and over and some people say that's the definition of insanity. So I run and I know what I should do, but I don't do. People wonder why. I wish I could tell them especially the ones I care for. I know if I did then maybe they would start to realize that I'm not a scrub hanging on my best friend's ride and trying to holler at you. I wish people knew, but who really wants people to know the real you. It's a sign of weakness to show people who you really are and so I hide my emotions, but in reality I'm insecure and care what people think. I wish I could turn back time to the good old days..Now we're stressed out.

Potential

That moment when you're talking to a person and they say you're still bitter from the girls of your past. I still don't get why they think that. I truly don't. The other day I had to go see one of the girls from my past. She was never my girlfriend. Just a girl that I really liked and for some reason I felt like she led me on. It hurt at first, but I forgot about that and met other girls that soon hurt me as well. They hurt me by giving me hope, but in reality they did not really like me at all. ha ha  Yet, as I saw this girl and every time I see her, she is a jerk to me. I don't know why she is. I never did anything wrong to her. Maybe it's just her. She has a boy that is a friend and I don't know why she always has to say things to me still because she is not my girl. Yet, according to other person, I can't let go of girls like that from my past. Yet, she does not even know me like she think she does.  As I talked to her I realize she is cute and I wonder why I don't ask her out again. She is right, I should move on and go for other girls. Maybe even her, but as I think that I know deep down inside she will give me a snowball's chance in hell. She tells me I have potential, yet if she really believed that, she would want to talk to me more, but she always tells me she has to go. So if we were really friends, we would talk and tell each other about our lives. She always has to go and to me that is never a good sign especially when it comes to girls. We all have to go, but there are times when it's okay to spend time with someone even if it's pass 10:00 PM on a weekday. Maybe I'm a clinger, but when I think about it, I'm not. I just remembered if you have interest in someone you would want to spend more time with them. Yet, this person seems like they don't and I know I'm probably right. It's a gift that I have. I can just tell. ha ha Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this girl has interest in me, but I will never know. Every time I talk to her, she frustrates me even more. I type this and I wonder if I'm brave to even post this. I wonder if she actually sees this, would she think I'm writing about her? I hope she does not think I'm obsessed with her because I'm not a clinger. I am more like Tom Brady and try to keep my options open. So I try to meet other girls and I realize most of them are frustrating and I always go back to that girl who told me I'm bitter of the girls from my past. When I mean go back, I mean my thoughts go back to thinking about her. For knowing me my whole life, I know I'll never do anything about it. Usually I'm right, people (girls) let you down. They tell you you're great, but not great enough for them. People are fake. They only care about themselves. I learned that the other day, but I learn I don't care either. I care because I think about people, but I never do anything to help them. So when I get frustrated with people I realize I should forget about me and think of other people that come to my mind. Maybe when I think about them, I should just go and do something for them. Even if I'm never happy, I can still make other people happy....

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine is not always going to be gold. I don't know if I'll ever be fine once I get it (happiness)....

I bet you think this post is about you, don't you...

"Everybody dies, but not everybody lives" is true. Sometimes we don't live. We just survive and do the same thing over and over. The other day my friend had to tell a person (I might like, yeah that's kind of awkward) that I write this blog. It was awkward. I don't want this person to know what I really think or who I really am. Then this person asked me if I ever write about her (yeah, I just said a girl). I thought and realized and never have wrote about her. Maybe it's because she has not broke my heart yet. I learned you actually have to try in order to have your heart broken. I wonder about her. The fear of failing gets in my way to actually really know who she really is. I wish I could tell her why I'm the way I am, but I'm sure people can figure it out after observing me. Yet, people don't, they don't even know. I wonder about this person. I wonder why I care so much when I don't really even know this person. I once spent some time with them, but after that I had to run away like Peter Pan and never try again.  Not that I did not want to. I really did. Kind of like in the Movie "Hook", when Peter Pan sees Wendy's granddaughter and instead of giving her a thimble kiss, he gave her a real kiss. Instead of being a man like Peter Pan in that moment I ran away and never came back. Maybe it is the fear of the unknown or the fear of rejection. So I have learned in life you can either accept that or live in Neverland. I do live in Neverland, not because I'm  not responsible, it's because I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm usually right when it comes to girls. You think you have a chance, but in reality there is not chance in heck (ha ha ). I see this girl all the time and she is amazingly (not even a word) attractive, but she does not think she is that great.  She REALLY is... I wonder why she does not think she is legit when deep down inside she knows she is. I wonder why guys don't flock to her because she is the real deal. Not some girl that plays you like the game "Sorry" and tries to be your friend and blows you off every time you try.  Sometimes there are people right in front of us that are really great, but we keep looking for something else because we think there is something better. Yet, I've learned there is no such thing. If you really believe in relationships, then you realize the person you will meet is not going to be perfect. They will have flaws and that's is what makes a relationship. Yet, I observe people are picky. They're looking for the greatest person ever, but in reality they're not as legit as they think they are. Maybe that is why people are single. They don't really realize some of the people they meet are really the ones for them and they keep looking for the pot of gold, but in reality it's been right there the whole time. I'm not talking about me. I don't know if any girl I ever met wanted to be with me. Maybe that's why I should read more, because I will be better at reading signals from the girls of my dreams. Maybe they are just from my dreams.. That's okay because "All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them"...

This Summer's Gonna hurt like......

This Summer is going to hurt...... Sometimes it really does hurt. I wonder why things get to me. The other day I was at work and this girl came in with her man. I'm was wondering why she was here because she does not ever live close to where I work. I just bailed and hid. I wonder why she came in. Maybe to rub it in my face that she is engaged to be married and that I lost. Do I know this girl? Yes, I do know her. She made so angry and she was a jerk and a flake to me. We never even dated, but we hung out and we both had interest in each other, but every time she would want to do something she would either bail or not respond after she told me she wanted to do something. I wonder why you would do that to someone? Play games. I did not care  because back in that day there was another girl I was pining for and they turned out to be a waste of time. People may ask me why I would consider it a waste of time? If a girl says she does not know if she likes you, but still wants to do things with you, is a waste of time. It hurts. Just like when the girl came in my store. Did she want to prove a point? I don't know. Maybe it was just random, but it's hard to forget about people from your past when there is unfinished business because you just wish things could have been different. I wonder why I even care, a part of me knew that I could never be in a real relationship with her after I sat on her porch on a summer night last year. A few years before that a thought came to me that I needed to pursue this girl and the funny thing is she felt the same way too. That is why I don't get it. If she was someone I was really suppose to pursue, then why did it not work out? I don't know. Sometimes what we think is right, it not always right. It's hard to let it go. Losing a opportunity to be in a relationship is like losing in sports. You can pretend you're happy, but you're never happy. Losing to another guy is never a good feeling. I wonder why we care? If it was not meant to be, then it's not meant to be..

As time goes by I glance at people from my past. See what they're  doing on facebook and then I  look at me and I've been doing the exact same thing for years. Maybe that is why I can never feel anything like  being in a relationship because people don't believe in me. Or maybe that's just me talking and I need to realize that you can't always be so hard on yourself. We can do anything we want to be, but there are times when some things have to be put to bed. Some goals are so big you just have to start small and maybe one day you will get to that goal.

I realize most people never become what they say they're going to do. Most of us don't become what we really want to be. It's not because we did not try. Sometimes we are just not good at what we want to be. So we have to find something else. In the end none of that matters. I guess the main thing I learn is to forget about your life and go find someone else to help. I don't know if I ever inspired anyone from helping them, but at least I tried. That's all that really matters in the end....