work harder do it faster

People say I have potential and I have done a lot, but I still do not care because I have not done anything in my opinion. Someone the other day was telling me how I have done a lot because I am almost done with school. I am, but that does not mean a thing. I need to be somewhere when I graduate, I need a real job when I am done, but who knows if I will get a real job. My job I have know is real, but it is just a part time job that you can't go anywhere with. You could be in management, but I have no desire to do that. The only thing I would ever want to do for the company I work for, is design their website, but it would be kind of boring because they tell you how they want their site. Anyways I have gone nowhere it it makes me mad. It is my fault, you get comfortable and then you settle or get scared. I need a change and I hope that it will happen because I don't want to be at my current job any longer and I want to be done with school as soon as possible. It does not mean that my life will get better once I do move forward in work and school. I have to do my part and I feel like I have not and so I have to keep moving. I don't want to be like those people who just play around. I want to grow up. I want to know what it's like to live. Growing up is not living, it is just part of progression and I feel that I have not progressed at all. I have done the exact same thing and that is sad because I need to experience life and not worry. I always worry and I don't know if I will ever stop because that is who I am. Worrying has ruined me as well, it has prevented me from moving forward in life. I see people that I know enjoy life and have fun. It makes me mad because I have worked so hard, but I am the reason for being the way I am. No one is responsible for my shortcomings, only me. I am not trying to be negative, but it is true. I could use an excuse for everything, but excuses are an easy way out. I can not be like that and I am the person who has something to prove. That is another thing that bothers me. I feel like the whole world is against me and that everyone wants me to fail. I think like that because I lost my friends and other experiences in my life make me feel this way. So sometimes I am a jerk to people because I feel like they have something against me and they don't like me. This thinking has ruined me as well because it makes you antisocial. Nobody wants to be antisocial, it is not fun and it sucks. I was social and maybe one day I'll become social again.

2009

They say you should reflect on the good and see how far you improved. I think that is fake because you have to look on the things you did not accomplish. I am not one of those people who sets goal or writes a bunch of crap down . I am the person who says I'll do it and I'll do it. You can write stuff down, but it does not mean you will accomplish your goals. I say a lot of things I'll do, but never do. I always say I'll get out of my current job for a better job. I do say that, yet I have not followed through. I have been there for four years and counting and it is time for me to move on, yet I have done nothing to move on. I have gotten so busy with school, running, working out and work; Yet I have procrastinated and it makes me mad because I need to leave. It is not a bad place where I work, it's just time for me to move forward in life. That is one thing I don't think I have accomplished in 2009. I workout and run, I will also finish school, but I have not had any big changes. I have hope, but you have to do rather than hope. I have to move forward in work, college and even sports. When you don't move forward you get stuck in a rut. You become negative and accuse everyone else for your failures. I don't really accuse people for my failures, but it is my fault for not moving forward in the direction I want to go. I have to and that is my plan to move forward. It is not because I am trying to impress a certain girl or anything, I have to impress myself because I am my hardest critic. I think we all are hard on ourselves, but we have to be because if we are not, then we will settle. I don't want to settle, there is so much more to life, than settling for a job, a career, or any other things that people say it is okay. I feel like I always have to be moving forward and can not think it is okay because that is when you fall. I do want to make money and work a career that is actually useful. I do want money, not because of status, just so I can live and take care of myself and family. That is what life is about and people may say it is not, but it is. So I do have to keep moving and not look back or worry because that is when you fail.

They say life is supposed to be enjoyed not endured. I don't believe that because it just sucks. I am sick of it all. I work, go to school, and then I have to go do other things such as workout, but other than that life just is pointless. I am not looking forward to the end of my college career. It's easy, but I don't want to do it because I hate it. I think college is overrated. I went because I am supposed to and look where that has got me nowhere. I hate my major and I want to leave and do something productive in life. I hate all those people in my major, they are annoying who need to get a life. Especially the people in my emphasis, I am in the sports management emphasis and these people are obsessed with working with sports. I'm not, I just want to get out of college. I think working for sports is dumb; the only thing I would ever do for a sport company is their graphic design work. However, that can be annoying as well because I am an art technology minor and those people get on my nerves as well. Lots of people get on my nerves and maybe it is because I am jealous. I am jealous of some because I see what they have and do. while I just work and then I have to workout because I have too. I am jealous because they have fun and play, but all I do is worry whether or not I'll have money for school or if I'll be able to pump iron at the gym.

I think life is endured and not enjoyed, I lost all the joy years ago and I don't see any improvements in the near future. I had the hope, but it got shatterd and now I have become something I should never be and that is negative. It's not good being negative, but that is what happened, I don't look at the good only the bad, I wish one day It would get better, but it does not seem likely. There it goes again a negative thought and I'm not being funny. I am funny, but this is true and it has to stop.

Huh

I read people facebook status updates and there are times I want to respond, but I don't because I don't want to offend them or hurt their feelings. Today, a person wrote that the truly educated never graduate. I think that is stupid because people who say that are quitters and they will come up with an excuse with why they did not finish. I have realized that anyone can go to school and graduate. Some people say that college is not for everyone. That is also a lie because anyone can do anything as long as they believe in themselves.College may be difficult at times, but if you try you will succeed. If you never believe you can, then you never will. I use to think like that . I would think that I am not smart enough to finish school or not talented enough. That is a bunch of crap because anyone can do anything, as long as you put your mind to it. Things may get in the way to prevent you from finishing,but if you try you will accomplish. I have learned that while I have been in school. I would always sell myself short because people know more or were better than me. That does not mean they will be more successful. What determines success is hard work. Talent can get you so far, but you have to have a good work ethic to rise above. I believe in that and sometimes it may seem pointless to try and work hard, but in the end it will work out. I think they will, but if they don't work out I guess that is life and life is not easy at times. It is what we make of it and if we do our part and help people then things will work out for our benefit. I don't know if I can believe this at all times, but I know that if I never try these things like finishing school and helping others I'll never know. If we never try then we will never reach our full potential.

I can relate to Walle, I just wanted to be loved or in love.

I read someones status update the other day on facebook and they said they felt alone. I did not believe they truly felt alone because they don't know what it is like. They are married and they have lots of friends that are real. They don't know what it is like to be alone. I feel alone all the time, even though I am around people . It sucks and I don't know if it will ever get better. I am alone and yet people think I am some social kid. I laugh at that because I do nothing. I just sit at my house on weekends and wondered what the hell did I do to deserve this. They don't know what it's like to go to church and feel alone. I do and I hate it, it makes me hate people more sometimes. I try to befriend people, but it is not easy and it is not fun going to church activities alone. I feel like an outsider there, even though I have been there for a year. I don't like my ward because I don't belong and all my so called "friends" don't go to the church activities because they have girlfriends and they think that the girls in my ward are not that cute.

There are actually cute girls there, but I don't really have my heart set on those girls. I do have my heart set on some girls, but I never do anything about it. It is sad that I don't, but when you don't do anything social for years and do not really date. You have negative thoughts about yourself and it destroys you. I think these girls I want to date are so great and I wonder why would they be interested in me. This is what goes in my mind and so I am alone because I don't believe I belong anywhere. It has gone on for years and I don't know if I'll ever overcome this thought process.

I'm not alone in reality, but my feelings are alone and it is not good to have. There is nothing to look forward to anymore. I am in a rut and I don't think it will change. I have changed in good ways, but they have not helped me in my social life. That is sad because I think you need to be social. It makes life better and it makes you more balanced. I don't do anything anymore, I just work, go to school, run, and workout. Then I go to bed because I have nothing to do. It hurts, but you get used to it after awhile.

I do know what people feel like when they say they are alone. It hurts and it destroys you. It makes you feel less of a person and sometimes it makes you hate people more. I think before I act and I see people that are alone and I want to help them because I felt it and still do. I will do my part in making people feel like they belong. I wished I would of written something to that person that made that comment on facebook. I didn't because it is hard for me to say what I really want to say. I should have and I'll try my best next time to help someone not feel alone. That is the purpose of life to help people. I have learned it does not have to be something big. It can be just saying hi or holding a door for someone that has a kid in their had, or helping someone to their car. These are the small things and I don't know if it changed their life. It helped me because I know in my mind I was helping them out and I was paying attention to their needs.

That is another thing, I pay attention to a lot of people and yet they don't even remember me. People say it does not hurt, but deep down inside it hurts. It makes you realize that people don't really care about you. The other day I was at church activity for my ward. This one person asked me for their help and I've met them before and yet they could not remember my name. I'm not offended, however it just made me realize people don't think about me. I am just a number and nothing else. That sad thing is I know a lot about this person. I remembered their name and what they do for a job. I even knew their relationship status. That is why I think it's sad, I pay attention to people and yet they don't remember me. I should get used to it because I was never anything special. I think I'm cool, but I don't think people like me. They seem fake and I guess they are not really my friends.

For me, it just makes me think I am never good enough and that nothing will ever improve. I am not trying to be negative, but I am saying I don't improve in socializing or things that give you passion. I don't think it is wrong to want those things. People say it's my fault. It is, but it's not easy to go invite yourself with people especially when you have thoughts that you are never good enough. I am good enough in my mind, but I don't feel good enough to belong.So I have gone on for years hoping that it would get better. It doesn't and it just makes me more down and I also become more negative. One day I hope it will all change, but I don't know if it ever will because I've been saying for years it would change and I'm here right now and everything is still the same.