Every time I read my blog, I realize I write the exact same stuff. It's kind of sad that I have be doing the exact same thing for years. It's sad that I have not progressed. As I think about it. I realize everything that has happened is because of me. I thought 2014 would be my year. It was not. It was another year of going backwards not forward. I failed my expectations, but how can I even exceed them, when I don't even try? My worries have gotten worse and there are days I can't even focus on what I really need to do. I spend hours doing things like my church calling and updating my work's facebook page. Someone once asked me why do I spend my time doing things that don't help me move forward? I don't know. Maybe for those few hours and days it helped me forget about me. Felt like I had a purpose. I thought doing things like that would help you move along. They don't. Nothing does. I learned that people don't care about hard work. Maybe that is not true. That is just how I feel from my life experiences. All people care about is end result and not that fact that someone is loyal and would do anything to help them out.
It's sad when that happens. It's even sad when you show the real you especially when the end result is not what you want. I wonder why I try so hard to impress girls of my dreams. I thought this year would be my year. Not in like marriage. Just I thought I would meet a person who believed in me and give me a chance. All the girls I met were either crazy or they just could not give me a chance. It hurts to get rejected. I wonder why I can't get over one girl that chipped my heart (she did not break it completely). I wonder why I care so much. I see her and I get angry. I wonder why I get so angry. She did nothing wrong. I wonder why I care because I meet other girls, but I still can't forget about her. Maybe it's because I'm jerk to her because I don't even acknowledge her when I see her in the flesh. It hurts to be like that, but they would not understand. It's because I get nervous and don't know what to say or do in those situations I feel like people who see me think I'm angry/standoffish, but I'm not. Only if they knew it was because I get nervous.
This was suppose to be my year. The year my nerves went away and I conquered. I did not conquer. I failed in my eyes. Probably my family's eyes too. It's shameful when you feel like everyday you're wasting time and everyone else's. It's shameful to feel like your home is not even your home. I feel bad that I have not moved forward. I feel like I failed so many people and it hurts. I'm sorry they have to see me like this when I know that is not who I really am. I wish people knew that I actually care. I always have. It's so hard to show when you can't because of fear.
So maybe that is why I do the things I do. Spend hours wasting time watching. Watching other people live their life. While I sleep in the same place for years (can't say how many because it's shameful). I remember when a friend said that to me. Made me angry. They were right. I don't live. The only thing I feel is pain because I want to move forward so bad, but I never do because of my anxieties.
Some people say you have weaknesses for reasons. After so many years you start to wonder, how many more years do you have to go through it? The same thing, same stuff, and same routine. There has to be a moment. A moment where everything clicks. It never has for me. I sometimes think I'm worse than I was when I was younger. My hopes went down the drain. Dreams got shattered. My heart is still hopeless because I don't believe there is anybody out there for me. So people see me and think I'm angry at them ,but they don't know that I'm not angry at them . I come across as angry because I'm mad at myself. Mad because I wasted this year and wasted my time. What do you learn when you have setbacks? I don't know. I learn that it's hard to recover and we never become what we really want to be.
We settle for kettle and get cream when we could have went for our dreams. We don't go for our dreams because people say stuff and we think we can never become what we want to be. We say we're too old or too young and we don't have swagger like Mick Jagger.
Yet that is not true, because everything we need is already inside. Yet, I despise those people who live their lives. I can't at the moment because I have not fully recovered. There are days when I get so nervous I can't even go to the house next door without freaking out. I can't even drive in my friends' car. Or talk to people I have talked in the past. SO they assume angry at them, but I'm not. Just nervous and frustrated.
It's sad when that happens with girls. You can't move forward with them because you can't overcome the thoughts. I met the most gorgeous girl the other day. Never knew her. She just came into my work and I thought I should just ask her out, but I kept worrying about the outcomes. So I just sit here and type and realize she will probably meet someone else. That is me. I always feel like it's not for me and I can't have what I want. I feel like I have to be the stoic and calm person, but in reality I"m not.
Just a person who gets anxious. So what have I learned from being so nervous and not moving forward the way I think I should be? Well all I can say is everyone has problems and my problems are nothing. I have potential, no matter how much I don't think I do.
The main thing I learn through my life is that you can make a difference wherever you are. You can help people even if you have setbacks in your own life. There is no opportune moment. You have to just keep swimming. Maybe that is what I have to do. Just keep swimming and one day life will fall into place and be what it's suppose to be......
