Hi

It comes to the point where you sick of it all. You realize what you decided to do was a stupid decision and it does not get you to where you want to be. Your back to the person you once were, a procrastinator and person who never sees the good only the bad. You come to the realization that some of you dreams will always be dreams and never the reality you wanted them to be. I am not trying to be down, but I feel like I have failed and it is my fault. How can you be happy when you always think like that. You know what you should of done, but did not do it and it bothers you. I said to myself that I would be somewhere better than I am today and yet I am nowhere. Just in that same rut of a life where you wake up realize what a waste. You know you could of done better, but fear got in the way. People may wonder why I would be so open and write about my true feelings. The reason why is because I have nobody so I don't really care and if you read this now you know what I really think. It is irrational thinking, but how can you improve, when you go nowhere? It's like you hit the wall and are barley able to keep on going. I realized that today when I was running. It hurts and yet I still keep going and that is my life, it hurts, but I still have to move, but sometimes it is so hard and yet no one cares. I realize it is my fault for my shortcomings, but you wish you could get help, but no one is there. I have been thinking like that for years and I don't really see any hope on the horizon. All of my hard work has gotten me nowhere, but it is my fault and so I have no one to blame. I should be something by now and yet I am still the same. I am a good kid, but that does not mean your life improves. For me it just has been more frustrating. You see people you care for and yet you can't tell them how you really think because you just can't get the courage and so they move on without you. Then you stay in your shell and never get out and that is the worst feeling of all and I hope I'll get out, but who knows if I will. I have being saying for years and I guess I just have to keep pushing along, even though it hurts. Kind of like in running it hurts so bad, yet you keep on moving because you hope it will get better. I don't know if it ever will, it is 2010 and I am still the same. I am almost done with a degree I hate and what will I do after that? Who knows, but I know probably the same garbage and garbage I hate because I fear. Fear has ruined my life. My self doubt and never good enough ruined me and maybe that is why I am where I am today because of me. Not because of someone else, no, I am the reason for where I am today and it is sad because people say you should be happy in your twenties, but I'm not. It is just a routine and you wish it would change, but it has not. So I beat myself up and say I am never good enough for anything until I make it. Yet what is making it? I don't know, I thought it was finishing school, but that is not true at all. My schooling career has ruined me. It has made me hate life even more, everyone is you competition and it is all about making money. I am not like that, no I am not like that. I want to help people and change their lives and that is my dream, but no one ever gives me opportunities to do that, so I guess I have to do it on my own. It is dark and cold and maybe one day I'll get to the light and realized it was worth it, but I don't know if that day will ever come because I make life so hard. It is not joyous anymore, it is a rut and it is awful and it is the worst feeling in the world. Maybe one day I'll heal and overcome and when I do I will be an example and not use my success for my own gain. I truly want to help people reach their destiny and if I do that it does not really matter what I did or became in this life.

To the people who actually know me and read this, I am sorry you have to read this, but this is my blog and this is how I truly feel. I can't keep my thoughts in all the time because if I did I would go nuts. So this is my outlet and I hope nobody reads my blog, but if you do I hope you know that I do have hope and even though it may all seem lost it will get better. Sometimes it takes some people longer to get to where they want to be. Some people have different problems or trials. I guess this is mine, I have to overcome those thoughts of not being good and realize that I am great. I truly believe that in this life we are supposed to help people and if I never helped you in you life I am sorry because I do feel bad when I don't do things, when I known I should have. The world would be a different place if we helped people and maybe if we do that ourselves, we can change the world and make it a better place. So help people and it never has to be big. Great things are always done through small things and if we do that we can make a difference. I know that, even though I may be down a lot, but I still have to help people because that is how I truly feel. I could have the worst life ever, but I still need to help others because people need help to. This thought always goes through my mind when I am at school, church, or work. People need my help and I can help them or make them feel like they belong. If I do, I will forget about me for a second and realize if I do fail, it is not so bad. We can always change and sometimes it may take a longer, but life is like running a race, we just have to go at our own pace to get to our destination. My destination is to grow up and become an adult because that is the purpose of life. It is to experience joy and that is what I want and if I don't achieve that, then I can't quit. I got to do the things I have been taught and believe that everything will become what it was supposed to be. So never give up even when your are in the darkest of times because you are not alone. There is someone always watching over you and they won't let you fail if you do what is right. Who is that person it is God. He is there, he is aware, even though we may think he is not. He is there and he knows everything about us. He does not want us to fail and he can make us whole and complete. We just have to have faith he can and when we realize that we can become complete, we can achieve our dreams and reach our full potential.

It is all meaningless when you do what you hate. It is the truth and trying to please others is not worth it either. It just makes you more frustrated and you lose thoughts and emotions and become a machine. Your thoughts of good just become thoughts of emptiness, sorrow, and darkness. You wonder what you did wrong, but you really did nothing wrong and you think whatever people say or you learn is not true. People may say you choose the way you want to react, but sometimes things just don't work out and it can be devastating. Most people don't think about that, because they are all into themselves and yet they think they know what they are saying. Maybe people should observe before they say things to people because they don't know where that person is coming from.

I realized it is all meaningless years ago. I wasted my life for stupid things and it just made me frustrated and people tell me that I chose the way I want to react to situations. However, it is kind of hard to be positive when nothing sparks or you have anything that you would consider progression. I often feel thoughts of isolation, actually I do all the time because I don't believe that things work out happily ever after. I have hope, but it can be shattered in a few seconds because of the things I observe from other people. Sometimes good people have problems and they don't deserve it and you wonder why they do, but it is just part of life. That is just stupid sometimes because people need help and they say you can do it by yourself. I realize I can't but there is no one there to help me. I have helped myself and I really do feel that way. People are fake, especially the people who say they are your friends and would never be there for you when you needed them. I guess it's okay because we are all competition and why would you want to help someone. I not a freak, I am just a kid who has been on the outside and wanting to come on the inside for a long time.

However, those things have not happened. I played second fiddle for people and been used and that makes me mad, but when you do nothing socially you will go anyways because you can't bare the thought of being alone. No one wants to be alone, but I am and I never see it changing. I don't meet the girls of my dreams. The ones I meet are fake and they just pretend they were your friend. I guess that is life, to feel despair and hopeless. To see everyone else move forward while you are just staring down at the valley after a run on a Friday night and wondering why. You did the right things, but you realize you must not be good enough. These thoughts are what I feel when I run. You wished it could get better, but it doesn't the thoughts of failing go through you mind and you wonder why, but you put a fake face on so on one can tell. I am good, but I guess in socializing; I am not because my experiences have never been good. The friends I once had all left and the girls of my dreams turn out to be fake and they just play you. The girls I actually like move on without you and it makes you mad because you know you are a great person, but yet they settle. That is what a lot of people do in life they settle and they say it's okay. There is no way in hell I am going to settle because my whole life I have had doubters in things I have done.

So I am going to be something because I have been hurt and when you have been hurt you want to become better because you feel like no one believed in you. If when I do find the right people and the girl that believes in me, I will never fail them because they believed in me and saw my potential. That is what we should do for everyone even though they may hate us. Say those things that might make them inspired and never tell them they can't because if you do they could be down and out and I sure could not do that to someone. I know things do work out, but can they can take years. Just never let go, even when you are at the point of quitting. I don't know if it will work out for me, but I sure hope it does and if I do make I can't become cocky. No, I have to use my success and show how anyone can achieve their dreams and desires.

I am often lucky enough to here people talk about what they do for a career and how they made it. Actually I am not lucky enough, I am annoyed because I don't really care what they did or how they became what they are. To me work will always be lame and that may seem negative, but it just gets to the point where you get sick of it all. I am from two worlds because when you go to college it is all about making money and then when I do to the other parts of my life, like church, you are supposed to help people. Yet in college I feel like everyone is my competition and they are not my friends. I am only there for me and not for them and it seems kind of bad to feel that way, but that is what I have been taught in my collegiate career. Why would I want someone to better than me on a art project or a poster I created. I am sorry, I want to be the best and I will do whatever it takes to show them up. I really feel bad that I think this way, but I feel like no one has ever believed in me. So I don't really care if people fail or not. I know I should not be like that, but it is kind of hard especially in this world. Especially when there is no one there to encourage you or be you friend. I reflect on my college career and I hated it. It was never fun, no one really said a word to me. People really never helped me and when I was in groups they never believed in me. So I isolated myself and that is not good because it makes you not complete. People say I should be glad that I am almost done with school, yet I am not, I feel like it has been a complete waste because I did not really do what I wanted to do. It took me years to decide on a major. It is hard to do what you want to do when no one really believes in you, I mean nobody has ever really encouraged me. All I have been told to do is that finish college and the doors will open. Yet to me they still seem closed and that is why I don't care when people come and talk to my classes and say how they made it.

Money does not mean you made it and I like money, but it is not the most important thing in this life. It is important to make money to take care of yourself and family, but I have learned that working your life away for a company is never worth it. I worked four years at my current job and they don't really care about me. I worked hard, but I have learned it doesn't matter and it is time go somewhere else. Even though I have down times in life, I still know in my mind and heart that I should be helping people. I watch and observe people and there are times when I just ignore them because I think why should I care, if no one really cares about me. I know I should not be like that and I should help people even though I may dislike them . That is the true meaning of success. You think of everything people do and you realize that the people that are happy are the ones who go above and beyond and help others. I don't see that today in college, but I can do my part. No job will truly bring you happiness and that is my own opinion. If you want to be the best you have to waste hours on hours to get to where you want to be and then there are times when you get there and you wonder if it was worth it or not. You will lose your families and friends and even the most important times of you life when you work for something you want real bad. Everything has a price and the thought is are we willing to pay for it? I don't know what I want to be, but I do like creating and making things look better in art because that is my passion. I like when other people enjoy something I created because it makes me happy and that is how God feels when we help others for the right reasons. It makes him smile because we went the extra mile. I know that I need to help others all the time even when I am down and in the dumps because everyone has their own gifts and we can use those gifts to help people reach their full potential. If we forget about ourselves, one day things will work out and the despairs and failures will come to an end and those feelings will turn into hope. Eventually those dreams and hopes will turn into reality. However, we don't have to be a baller or a raller to help people. No, you can be anything and that is the greatest thing about helping others because anyone can do it. If people realized that, think of how great the world would be. We often sell ourselves short and believe we can't make a difference, but everyone can because everyone is like a snowflake. They are all different, but when they come together they can create something that is beautiful.

Peace out any maybe one day I will realize my full potential

Jazz

Sometimes we don't get what we want. Sometimes we fail and it takes longer to get to where we want to be. Then there are times when we look at other people and compare ourselves and sell ourselves short because we think we are not good enough. Then there are times when we want more and we know we can do more, but no one believes in us. Then there are times when you see people you loved, liked, and care for move on without you.

These things can make us fall and never want to get up, but that is part of life. We have trials and setbacks because they make us better. They makes us better because you realize that it's not so bad and that one day it will all come together. That is the hardest thing to believe in sometimes because if nothing changes you might lose hope. It is hard to focus ,but the best thing to do is focus on others and then you will realize it's not so bad and there will be light at the end.

I often get discouraged, but I have to realize that is life and sometimes it is not fun. I guess these things have made me grow, even though I see nothing. I have learned that and been taught that when we are down, we should help other people. I realized this the other day. I saw a Valentines Day commercial and it's all about the person you love. Then I thought what about all those people who are sad and down. We need to show them that we care and that someone is aware of them.

Valentines Day is about love, but love is not always what you think. There is love for another person, but there is also a love called caring. That is what I realized I need to do because I was just in one of my moments when I realized why I hate Valentines Day. I have no girlfriend and to me it's just a stupid holiday. Then I realized we can show other people that we care by doing small things for them. I do not know what I will do, but I think I need to be more aware of other people's feelings. We often focus on our own problems and yet there are people who need help. They may not show it on the outside, but on the inside they do. That is the purpose of life. I have written about it before, but showing people you are aware and care is one of the greatest things someone can do. I realize I need to do better and hopefully I will. You don't have to be rich or something great to show that you care. No, you can show how you care be treating people with kindness and helping them reach their destiny.

For me it is hard because I don't truly express to people how I really care. I guess I should thank them or do something nice for them. It is hard sometimes to express you feelings, but I think if you do, people will be shocked and realize the real you. I think if we help others we will move forward as well. There will be setbacks as you move forward, but that is the part of this life. It is to be tested and see if we will last to the end. I have been frustrated as of late, but I can't quit. I have to keep moving and if I do, I'll realize if it was worth it or not.

Ever After

I see and yet I see myself and where have I gone? Nowhere, it really hurts and who cares because we all fail. Most people don't, I have. I see goobs move forward and other people that are annoying and that is sad. It's ***** and that is all I can say. I don't really believe in friends either, there is no such thing and people who say they are your friends are really not. It's kind of like facebook, they are only there for you when they need you. I don't believe in friends because of my experiences in life. I will admit I have been a crappy friend at times, but who cares they got to move on in life and they did not need me. I needed people at times, but they forgotten me and I don't care anymore because you get in the rut and you just say it's okay, even though it is not. The real me does not see it ever changing and that is my own fault, but who cares because everyone has problems.

I also don't really believe that there is someone out there for me as well. I know people say all the BS about just keep trying and it will all work out. I am sorry, but I have worked hard in life and all I have seen is goob people get the girls and yet I'm on the pine getting splinters. It is my fault and that is what everyone will tell me. There comes a time in you life when you need help, but there is no one there to reach for you. So these experiences make me not care. There are times when I am at work I don't care because I don't give a crap about them because of all the stuff that goes through my mind. They enjoy life, while I waste my life doing crap for what? I don't know anymore, I thought doing all these things like going to college and doing what is right would improve your life. Mine has not, I meet people, but that is not what I want. I want to meet people that are into me. Like girls, I am tired of meeting girls that are just dumb. I don't really meet a lot because I am shy and that will never change either. I say it will happen, but is still has not. I am no ugly man, it's just I can't open up when I am around people. I'm sorry, that is not who I am. So I try to be funny, but being funny is overrated at times. I have come to the realization I will never meet any girl that is really into me. I meet phonies and girls that are just lame. I'm sorry I don't want to play stupid games with a girl. I just want to meet a girl that likes me and I like her and take it on from there.

I usually end up meeting girls that are in relationships or say they are dating someone. All I have to say to that is leave me alone. Sometimes you meet these people and they are weird and you want to ask them why they are not married if they have been together for such a long time. I am not trying to be rude, but if I found a girl I was into, I sure won't waste my time trying to figure out if it is right. There comes a time when you realize it is right and you just take it from there. I am sorry, but I feel like people in this world have to make it so hard. If you found someone that you know you love, then why not get married. That is all I have, I am tired of seeing people that have been together forever and do nothing about it. It just makes no sense and I don't even know why I care. Maybe because I want to feel what they have. I feel nothing. All I feel is negative, pain, hopeless and the great thing that always sticks in my mind, never good enough.

sometimes

I often make jokes about people and say people settle for kettle and get cream instead of go for their dreams. Yet I am the one who has settled and wasted time. I chose a major and what do I do, I get to work with people who are obsessed with sports and think they are going to make it big time. That is so lame, but I don't really care about that. I am just frustrated because you say you will do certain things, yet you go back to your old ways. It is kind of hard to move forward when no one believes in you and is there for you. I don't think anyone is there for me and they are more like my competition. I really don't think people believe in me, they often forget about me. The one thing that bothers me is people in my church, I feel like no one has ever believed in me, they always have the same people doing things and they never let anyone else do anything. It gets on my nerves and it makes me anti-social. I do choose to be that way, but it is hard to be social when no one says a thing to you. I feel like people are fake and they say things and yet they never practice what they preach. I think I can do things in my church, yet no one has ever given me chances. I do things, but they are things I have already done and how will doing the same things all the time help me progress and move forward? I guess they don't really care and just like in the working world nobody really cares. It is all about beating each other out for the job and working only for you and not because you want to help change the world. These are thoughts that I think , I don't think I will ever change them because when you don't have experiences that help you grow, you become a cynic. I worked hard my whole life and what have I learned from it? I learned that there are people who take advantage of you and the companies I have worked for don't really care how hard I work. It kind of ruins you because you believed that hard work would get you somewhere, but for me it has not and it is sad. I guess I need to grow up and move on.

That is what I have learned with frustrations we control how we feel and we can decide what we truly want to do. If we don't like something, then we should move on. If my ward does not let me do more, then I should leave. If I hate what I do I have the power to move. We are not trees, we can move. That is one of the hardest things to do because moving forward is scary. People are afraid of change and so they settle and that is what I have done. I have been afraid and I need to realize that I can do anything I want to do and that no one or anything can stop me from reaching my dreams. If you still have the hope in your mind and dreams in your heart, then these things will make you move. Sometimes it takes a little longer to get there, but it will happen in the end. It is not about becoming the greatest in the beginning. That does not determine success, there are people who have done that, however everyone is not the same. I have learned that in my life if I keep taking a little step forward, I'll eventually get to where I am supposed to be. It is hard to think like this especially when you are around people that are cynical and negative because they bring you down. I have been like that too and I realized I should not be like that because nobody likes those kinds of people and I feel bad that I have acted like that. If I keep trying and think I can, good things will happen and they may be different than what we expected , but if we keep moving forward, life will be alright.