Every time I read my blog, I realize I write the exact same stuff. It's kind of sad that I have be doing the exact same thing for years. It's sad that I have not progressed. As I think about it. I realize everything that has happened is because of me. I thought 2014 would be my year. It was not. It was another year of going backwards not forward. I failed my expectations, but how can I even exceed them, when I don't even try? My worries have gotten worse and there are days I can't even focus on what I really need to do. I spend hours doing things like my church calling and updating my work's facebook page. Someone once asked me why do I spend my time doing things that don't help me move forward? I don't know. Maybe for those few hours and days it helped me forget about me. Felt like I had a purpose. I thought doing things like that would help you move along. They don't. Nothing does. I learned that people don't care about hard work. Maybe that is not true. That is just how I feel from my life experiences. All people care about is end result and not that fact that someone is loyal and would do anything to help them out.

It's sad when that happens. It's even sad when you show the real you especially when the end result is not what you want. I wonder why I try so hard to impress girls of my dreams. I thought this year would be my year. Not in like marriage. Just I thought I would meet a person who believed in me and give me a chance. All the girls I met were either crazy or they just could not give me a chance. It hurts to get rejected. I wonder why I can't get over one girl that chipped my heart (she did not break it  completely). I wonder why I care so much. I see her and I get angry. I wonder why I get so angry. She did nothing wrong. I wonder why I care because I meet other girls, but I still can't forget about her. Maybe it's  because I'm jerk to her because I don't even acknowledge her when I see her in the flesh. It hurts to be like that, but they would not understand. It's because I get nervous and don't know what to say or do in those situations I feel like people who see me think I'm angry/standoffish, but I'm not. Only if  they knew it was because I get nervous.

This was suppose to be my year. The year my nerves went away and I conquered. I did not conquer. I failed in  my eyes. Probably my family's eyes too. It's shameful when you feel like everyday you're wasting time and everyone else's. It's shameful to feel like your home is not even your home. I feel bad that I have not moved forward. I feel like I failed so many people and it hurts. I'm sorry they have to see me like this when I know that is not who I really am. I wish people knew that I actually care. I always have. It's so hard to show when you can't because of fear.

So maybe that is why I do the things I do. Spend hours wasting time watching. Watching other people live their life. While I sleep in the same place for years (can't say how many because it's shameful). I remember when a friend said that to me. Made me angry. They were right. I don't live. The only thing I feel is pain because I want to move forward so bad, but I never do because of my anxieties.

Some people say you have weaknesses for reasons. After so many years you start to wonder, how many more  years do you have to go through it? The same thing, same stuff, and same routine. There has to be a moment. A moment where everything clicks. It never has for me. I sometimes think I'm worse than I was when I was younger. My hopes went down the drain. Dreams got shattered. My heart is still hopeless because I don't believe there is anybody out there for me. So people see me and think I'm angry at them ,but they don't know that I'm not angry at them . I come across as angry because I'm mad at myself. Mad because I wasted this year and wasted my time. What do you learn when you have setbacks? I don't know. I learn that it's hard to recover and we never become what we really want to be.

We settle for kettle and get cream when we could have went for our dreams. We don't go for our dreams because people say stuff and we think we can never become what we want to be. We say we're too old or too young and we  don't have swagger like Mick Jagger.

Yet that is not true, because everything we need is already inside. Yet, I despise those people who live their lives. I can't at the moment because I have not fully recovered. There are days when I get so nervous I can't even go to the house next door without freaking out. I can't even drive in my friends' car. Or talk to people I have talked in the past. SO they  assume angry at them, but I'm not. Just nervous and frustrated.

It's sad when that happens with girls. You can't move forward with them because you can't overcome the thoughts. I met the most gorgeous girl the other day. Never knew her. She just came into my work and I thought I should just ask her out, but I kept worrying about the outcomes. So I just sit here and type and realize she will probably meet someone else. That is me. I always feel like it's not for me and I can't have what I want. I feel like I have to be the stoic and calm person, but in reality I"m not.

Just a person who gets anxious. So what have I learned from being so nervous and not moving forward the way I think I should be? Well all I can say is everyone has problems and my problems are nothing. I have potential, no matter how much I don't think I do.

The main thing I learn through my life is that you can make a difference wherever you are. You can help people even if you have setbacks in your own life. There is no opportune moment. You have to just keep swimming. Maybe that is what I have to do. Just keep swimming and one day life will fall into place and be what it's suppose to be......

No good 2.0

The heart wants what it wants.. a modern fairy tale.. where you never get old and it never gets cold and the sun is always out. Yet, I learn there are  No happy endings and No wind in our sails. People say it's me. Maybe it is true. The best is when people tell you that everything you do is a  waste of time and that you go around in circles. You don't move forward and that you have it so easy. Thankful for that comment. I love when people tell me that. Makes me fee great inside. I know that I am not where I should be in my life. I know that  the job I work is not something I should still do and that I have been graduated from college for a very long time. I know I don't do anything unless my friends are not on dates. I know that past four years have been a waste according to you. I am grateful when you say I do nothing, when in reality I actually do. I understand because when you were my age you were better than me. Moved all the way to Utah. Your family were alcoholics and you never had direction because of them. It was because of you I went to college. Yet that is not true. I'm sorry that I fail you. I'm sorry that I fail and don't move forward. I'm sorry that I can't take the next level and move forward with my life. What is there to look forward to? Getting closer to death? I don't want to be like you guys. You make me realize there is no hope. Like you told me, I'm just making excuses and everything I say is an excuse from moving forward.

Some people say I'm in denial. Denial that I have a problem with anxiety. Maybe I do. It's so shameful to tell people the truth. I do. If I say I do, then I'll use for an excuse on why I  can't move forward. yes, I get scared going next door. I get scared seeing people. I get scared of girls and girls that broke my heart Why? because they have what I can't have? A life. My life has been the exact thing for my whole life. I have done nothing. stayed in the same place and bubble. It's great to work hard and feel nothing. It's great to go to  church and feel the same thing every week...nothing. I work hard at it and yet the only thing I feel is bitterness. Why? You have to see people. You see girls that broke your heart and moved on. Then you have to see your friends. You friends who say they are your  friends, but in reality they are not. I have realized most people let you down. They are not there for you when you are in your darkest times. Times when you feel there is no hope and nothing gets better.  It probably never will. People ask me why I am the way I am. Why I think things will never get better. Why I don't date and why I don't move forward. The best is when they say I have it easy. Yet they don't know what it feels like to never move on. Even though you want to move on, but you can't because your mind can't overcome the fear. The fear of what could happen. When you get in the moment. All you feel is helplessness and you feel that your friends are the only one who can save you ,but they can't because like everyone else they look out just for them. When they get their moment, they leave you and don't give a shiz about you when they are gone. That is how I feel. I feel like in my life there are only a few good friends and then there is my family. They say they want me to be happy, but all they ever tell me is what I do is wrong. I already know what I do is wrong. I know I should not be where I am at this moment.  I should be a man and have my own life. I don't. It hurts me every time to realize that. To realize that I'm not who I am. It hurts me when I never am the one. Just the person who watches everyone else. I am the person who works hard, but nothing ever comes of my hard work. The only thing I got is anxiety and the fear to get out of bed for the right reason . I do things, but only to please others and to never please myself. 

Maybe it's because I have anxiety. It's sad that it has ruined me.I let it overtake my life and all I do is wait for others to make something happen. Yes, I fail my family and the man upstairs because I had potential, but I waste it every day of my life. So when stuff happens I should have no one to blame but myself. Maybe that is why I can't feel happiness. Only pain and sorrow. Pain that it will never get better. It never does. That is why I never believed in me because my whole life I fail. I gave up the fight and settle for mediocrity. So why should I cry when girls hurt me? Or when they fall for people like my friends? I realize it's because They do something that I don't. All I ever do is the same thing. Reflect on the failures and never say NEXT. A girl does not want that. They want a man who never cries and never loses hope.  It hurts to see others. Especially with their happiness. Some say it's choice, but I don't know anymore. I do what is right and I try hard, but the only thing I ever feel over time is hopelessness.

Maybe that is my life to never grow. to never feel real feelings. To never know what is like to be a man. Oh well. Maybe I'm like this because I enjoy the pain. Enjoying feeling bad. Feeling bad is like my drug. So I realize I can't blame others for failing. The only person I can blame is myself. I had chances, but I let the anxiety get in the way and so that is why I am who I am and where I am at this very moment.... sitting in a church alone and wondering why I'm the way I am. 

As I sit here this very moment I realize and think. I hope it gets better, but I don't know if I'll ever change because I don't think I can. I realize I'm not always going to be who I think I'm going to be. Just because I failed does not mean I can't feel happiness, love, and success. One day I will and I know I will and that is why gives me hope each and every day. I know one day I'll conquer my anxieties and be a man. Show a girl what is like to be treated by someone who has a heart and knows how to treat them right. I can't be bitter when a girl breaks my heart. If she can't see me for what I can be, then I guess it's her loss. Just like the company that rejected me the other day. If they can't give me a chance and believe that I'm a hard worker, then it's their loss. I can't worry what they think .They can think what they want. I realize I can't worry about them. I just have to get up and try again no matter how hard it hurts to get to the next chapter of life.....

You don't inspire me

"You don't inspire me" is one of the greatest things a girl told me. Makes you feel good inside especially when you're starting to come back. I know why they really said that and I understand. It just hurts when people say things that are true. It makes you realize no matter how hard it is, it's never good enough. Good enough to have hope, but no great enough to get over hope and feel joy. I wonder why we can't overcome things. I wonder why we have to struggle. I wonder why we don't live our dreams. Everyone I meet brings me down. They say going somewhere else is a waste of time.

I have lived my whole life trying to do what is right and trying to please people to make them like me more. Usually that just gets you regrets.  I have done nothing bad, but just have regrets never doing what I want to do. I want to, but anxiety gets in the way. It's ruined my life. I can't move forward with things or anyone.  The only reward I get is some quite time alone at the gym and running alone on a cold winter's night. Winter, it's cold. That is what makes me realize, why do we live where we don't want to live. Why we waste our time when you know their is something else calling us. Life is suppose to be happy, but where I'm from, it seems no one is happy. Or maybe it's me. Maybe I can't find the joy in the season or joy in the journey. There is no joy. How can there be joy when you can't overcome? How can you be happy when you train hard and your body betrays you? How can you be happy when you do what is right and nothing changes. The only thing that changes are the seasons and the people you once knew. You get to see them be with someone else. Someone who inspires them. I wonder why I even care, but as someone who never forgets, it hurts. I will never forget the taste of failure or the words people say to me. My whole life I've been trying to prove other people wrong and show them that I'm great. Yet, they're right. I don't inspire people. I run, work out, and work hard, but when you do the same thing over and over the only people that are impressed is yourself. Maybe it's my life to never move forward in life, just only in my dreams. Maybe I don't have a real purpose.I once told a girl that  and it made her upset .Don't know why because I could not be her future, so why would she care? Why would anyone you hurt care about how you are? It's because they have a heart? No, it's because they don't want to be the person who messed you up. Who made you have anxiety attack when you talk to every girl. She is not the reason I fail. It's with every girl I meet. They gave me some  reason on why they can't move forward or why they can't date. I always thought relationships were built on each other and not where you're are at the time. I thought you  grow together and become one, but in the end I will never know. Just watch all the beautiful girls move on. Have a family and move on. I sometimes don't think I'll ever move on. Maybe it really is my purpose to never know anything. To regress backwards and never forward. Life is  kind of like running, where we run somewhere and we come back to where we started from.

I wonder why I'm still in the same place. I try to help people, but they let you down. I try to inspire people that remind me of me, but they let me down. You start to wonder why should I care when everybody else only cares abut themselves. I feel like we only care when we want to care and not when we should care. Do I care? Sometimes, but I have learned it's only for the people that I want to date or impress. So in the end it's just vain. So who cares what happens. Stuff happens. Happens to us all.

I do care because I believe I can inspire people even though I'm not were I think I should be. I know that I do care. I spend hours of wondering about people from my life and wonder if they're even okay. I don't have any desire to date them. I have listened to people I don't want to be with and I have hung out with people that I don't want to hang out with. When I think about I really do care and that everything I say and do is sincere. What I do at the moment is not where I'm going to be in the end. It does not matter how you start, just matters how you finish.

Sunday

Every Sunday I get the opportunity to sit alone at the church I attend. It is for reasons I can't really explain. Some people think I am angry and sad when they see me sitting alone. I tell them I'm not, but in reality I am what they think. This is what I think when I am sitting up there:

It hurts to see your past especially when you know you lost. Every week you see your past is a reminder of what you did not do. I know they could not date me  because who would want to be with a person who can't move forward. I wonder if I will ever move forward. I say I will ,but I reflect on my life and realize I have not. 

As I look out in the congregation I see people who look sad. I wonder why they are sad. If they could only see how I see them. I see this blonde girl and I wonder about her. I always wonder if she is okay, but she never seems okay. I wonder why she is sick of the congregation when she has so much potential. So much potential to inspire people and make them feel like they belong. You did that to me when I hung out with you and  your  friends back in the day. I know you will never read this, but you need to realize that you're great and any guy would be lucky to be with you.

Then I see another girl. A girl that might mean something to me at this very moment. I once had the opportunity to talk to her (ha ha). She is amazing. I wish I could tell her that, but the fear of creeping her out gets in the way. I wish she could know that and that one day everything will work out for her. What has happened before does not matter. Any guy would be lucky to be with you because you ARE desirable no matter what. Don't sell yourself short. I know one day you will get that chance even if you don't believe it. Everyone if this life gets opportunities, even if it takes years.

Then I see the younger kids of my congregation. They amaze me every week. They think they are not special, but they are the chosen generation. Even though I am in my 20s, I was never like them when I was their age. They include people without judging and they try to be friends with everybody. So when my time is up, I know my church will be in good hands.

 Then I see people that bug me and girls that hurt my heart. I try to pretend I don't notice them, but I do. It hurts because you have to relive the past in your mind. I go through my mind of what happened and it's shameful. shameful because I shared my innermost thoughts with these people. I guess that is life to learn and to grow.  Yes, the thoughts of frustration are there. Then I think to myself they are great people and that is what attracted me them in the first place. I wish I could tell them that, but they way I act it will never happen. maybe as I type this I hope maybe one day they will know. Know that they're great and deep down inside I really do care about them even if I can't show it.

Then I see the people I despise. Some make my so angry by the way they acted towards me or treat me. Some people say things that are not true. It makes me so angry and I want to get my moment to humiliate them, but then one day a friend told me it's better to just let go and turn the other cheek. They were right.  It's so hard. As time goes by, I realize they are just people and it's probably them and not me. Then I think of the good they do and realize they are good people and  I hope they make it and I know they will.

As I see all these people and see what I see in them, I glance at my watch and look at my face in the reflection.  I don't remember who I am. I see pain, failure, and sadness.  I wonder why I can see other people's greatness when I can't even see my own. I don't. Maybe I never will. I realize I have wasted so much time worrying what other people think about me. I spend countless hours trying to perfect  things when I can't even perfect myself. It hurts to never grow. I hurts to never feel hope. It hurts the most to never feel love. The love where you care for somebody and you want to do anything for them. Maybe I will never get that chance.

Maybe I will never get to be with a girl and move forward with her. The thought hurts, but as I sit on the stand and think I realize it could happen. So what is the point? I think about that all the time up there. Maybe I'll never get my dream of being with a girl. In the end that does not matter. It does not matter if I can't move forward my own life. All the matters is that I build people up and make them better.

Yet, I come back to reality and realize I life is hard. Some days are harder than others. It seems like I have been regressing.  Some days I rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow then worry about the trials of tomorrow. Then I realize I'm not here for me. My life might suck the rest of my life and it does not matter. It does not matter if I can't even think clearly or if I am depressed or have anxiety because I can make a difference no matter what. Anyone can. Even if you think they are garbage, they can make a difference too. They can change  and reach their full potential. That is what gives me hope each and every day. 

HOPE

I was told when a girl hurts you in ways you can't understand you just say next. I tried that, but in the end I still can't get over losing. There are days I forget, but then I realized I lost the girl I wanted most, but she did not want me. Probably because I could not give her what she wanted. A future. I hope your lawyer (Harvard [baller]) friend gives you what you want. Actually  I hope they never work out. It hurts when you lose, but when you reflect on your life and you realize you are probably the loser and no girl wants to be with that. It hurts. It even hurts more when the girl you once had feelings for has to try to talk to you, just so she can feel good about her own self. Thank you (like you're even going to read this Ms. L [you're still great]) for texting me and bringing back the sting of failure. I know whatever I do, I'll never be good enough. I hope you find a guy who treats you well. Who cared the way I cared about you. It hurts, but to not say you were not great would be a lie. Any guy would be better person with you. So deep down inside my anger I do care, but I don't want to see your happiness. I don't want to see anyone's happiness. Why? It hurts like Hell to realize you can't have what they have. A future. A plan. Hope. All I see is wasted time and that whatever I did it's never good enough. People don't care. They let you down. They say they're your friend, but their definition of friends is not what I see. Talking to someone on their birthday is not friends. Talking to someone for ten minutes is not friends. It's okay, people are just people. They are like frosted flakes. They all have the potential to be great, but most of the times we don't reach our true potential and we become soggy and when  we leave the earth with music still left to play.

Yes, we all have the potential to be great. Nobody is better than anybody. When things don't work your way. You can't sit and fester the pain because it gets you nowhere. I have learned that the hard way. It's hard to let go especially when you feel like you lost the game. I learn that dating/life is not a game. Still to me it is especially when a girl breaks my heart. I feel like I lost. I want to get even. I realize having anger towards pointless things get you nowhere. So I guess the best thing to do is just run away. I run so far away and could not get away because my thoughts come back. Then I see her face and it stings more. The dream is to move on on find things and become a better person. Maybe one day she will see that you were great. Why the hello does it matter? If I proved some girl wrong and reached my full potential? I did not come to this earth to prove other people wrong. I guess I came here to reach my potential and learn. To help others. I guess the only person I am suppose to prove my potential to is the man upstairs.....He sent me here to do what he sees in me.  In the end that is all that really matters....Yet it is still good to prove people from your past wrong and see that your were great and good enough. That's what gives me hope to rise each and every day. ha ha ha ha - JM (a raller in my mind, not in reality)

"There will be no sunlight if I lose you baby". Bruno Mars is right, yet I have never had a girlfriend in my life. I wonder why that song gets to me. Maybe it's because it makes me reflect on my life and realize what I have become. What I see is a person who plateaued. A person who has talked more than actually do. Maybe that's why it hurts. Yet, I wonder why no girl wants to be with me. It's not that hard to figure out. Girls don't want scrubs. Looks can only get you so far. They say it's not about money, but if you ever meet that person you want to be with, they don't want to be with someone who can't  be there for them. Maybe that is why I have to leave when it gets good because in the end they will find out the truth. The truth that I have become nothing what I said I once would become. Maybe I have not become anything because of anxiety or the fear of failing. I sometimes use that for a crutch.  Yet in the end, I will be held accountable for never stepping up. It hurts to know the truth. It hurts when girls you like can't like you back. When you think about it, you realize maybe I was right the whole time. I'm not good enough. Only good enough to see everyone else get their happiness. Good enough to watch girls I wanted to be with go for some jerk off who does not treat them right. I wonder why I get so sad because when you see it you realize they did something with their life and that is why they went for that person. Sometimes it's hard to swallow, but I wonder why because when you take a look at what you are, then you realize who would want to be with that? Some people say I am so hard on myself, yet I know I can do better because everyday I'm here, I'm wasting time. I waste time everyday of my life and I say I will change, yet I never do. I wonder why I'm so afraid of the real world when in reality I know I could do a better job then most people. Yet my fears creep in my head and I sell myself short. I tell myself I'll show these people up. Yet they always win because they keep moving forward while I hold onto the past and never let go. I remember things people said from my past and I hold onto to it. Yet the only thing that does it make me look like the baby. I wonder why we can't just let go and move forward. Maybe it's because the past was great and we think it's great and can't see anything better. With me it's the fear of failing.  It hurts to fail. It hurts to have your ego bruised. It hurts when you know the truth  and the only thing you  can do is reflect on what you don't do. It hurts to never move forward. It hurts, but why should I care? I look and see the world and it's a effing mess. There is so much more drama in the world then what I go through. Of course I will not always have success in dating. Of course I will hurt people as well. Of course I will not always succeed in my career. Stuff will happen. Some days it's hard to overcome especially when you feel all alone. Yet in reality we are never really alone. There is something out there that looks out for us. Some say it's the man upstairs. Some people say if he really does exist then why does he leave me in my hour of need? Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he is waiting for you to talk or help you with open arms. God can't tell you how to be. We have to decide how to be. What I learn is when things don't work out, it's probably best to remember the good and look ahead and keep moving forward. When you don't move on the best thing to do is help people. I have learned that no matter what, people always need help. It does not matter what they did to you in the past. You just have to realize that they're human too. When things don't go your way don't look at what they did to you. Look at what you can do for them. That's the only thing I know. So when life gets dark and dreary, forget about yourself and realize what you can do for people. That's the only thing I can do in this life. Everything else does not matter. The only thing I want people to know about me when my time on this earth is coming to an end is that I actually cared. It's so hard to show that you care when they don't think you do. In the end that is all that matters. I have hurt people and it hurts to know. I wish I could tell them I'm sorry or wish I could just tell them it's okay if they hurt me. Life is so short. It's so pointless to hold grudges over things that are so juvenile.  However, that is life, to learn from your experiences and grow and be prepared when you go onto your next experience...and to look out for those who need help.

-JM

Time heals the wounds?

Sean Kingston was right when he used to sing the very famous line that "Beautiful girls really have you in denial (suicidal) when it's over". I guess that is my life to feel failure and no success. It hurts to know that in the end it will never work out. Some people say I'm dramatic and that a girl could fall for me, but I don't see it. All the girls I meet play games or just act stupid when time goes on. When it does not work out, they say time can heal the wounds and that you just have to say next and move forward. It's hard to move forward when you never know what could have happened. Sometimes when we get hurt we act childish and immature. I wonder why. For me it's because I'm a competitor and when a girl hurts me I want her to feel like I do. The other day I did that just to get even with a girl because she once blew me off to go running with me. I was excited that someone actually wanted to go running with me. Later I found out they were just being flaky. It hurt, it really did and so I said one of the meanest things to her the other day. I realize what does it get me? Probably a few days of satisfaction. In reality I don't know her. I don't know her struggles or why the way she is. So it makes me feel bad because in reality people are just people. They are never going to be perfect. When things don't go your way or don't make you happy, then you just got to look at the whole picture and see what you can do for them as a person. People think I don't care, but I do. As someone who observes more than talks, I realize I have to do more. Do more to make people know that someone actually cares. It's hard to especially when you have moments of frustrations. It's hard to help people when you're anger/bitter/feel that life is not fair.

When I think of my drama, I realize it's nothing to the big picture of things. Yes, girls will break my heart. People will make me mad. I can't hold grudges over people for reasons that are so small. I have learned that the small reasons are what causes conflicts, revenge, and other things that are bad to the heart, soul, and body. What does it get you when you get your payback? I have learned it gets you nowhere. Maybe a few minutes of joy that you hurt someones feelings because they hurt you. If you're human than you should know it's not right. I have learned  that. It's hard to let go of the bitterness especially when you feel like people are being fake. I guess that's life. It's hard though to move on or see the big picture of life when you're in the present. It's hard to let go when you feel that life is not fair to you. Life is not fair. It never will be. It will suck and there will be days that you wonder what the hello. I know that those days go away. May take years to overcome. They may not ever go away in this life. I realize that sometimes. Then what should I do? I guess it's to look around and help people. People think I don't care, but I wish they knew I did. I try in my way to help them. I don't  know if they know, but at least I know I tried. Maybe one day things will fall into place, but if not I guess that's life. It will hurt, but I can't sit here and type. I have go to take steps forward and never go back. When you go back that is when you get bitterness. Sometimes when you go back, you are there for a reason. Maybe you're there to help someone from your past. Maybe. All I know that life is so brief and time is a thief when you're undecided. And like a fistful of sand it can slip right through your hands..........

fistful of sand

Time flies even while pining

A girl I know once told me that time flies.  She is currently  is far far away . I wish time would fly by not because I want to get closer to father time, but to get closer to her so I can talk to her one more time. It's hard when somebody you (actually don't want to admit) care for is gone. It's even hard to swallow when you know that they  are not into you as much as you're  into them.  They wonder why I think they are great. Maybe it's because they go around the world and help and  the less fortunate. Or maybe it's because they  are ONLY in their early twenties and have done so much with their life. Or maybe it's because when I talk to them I know they are  righteous and you know that any man would be lucky to have them.. Yet I wonder why I care so much when  I realize they could be right that we have nothing in common. Maybe they are right. It seems to happen to me a lot of times. I meet girls. I pine for them, but in the end it does not work out. Mainly because I don't believe in me or I believe I have to be a baller in order to be with a girl because NO girl wants a guy who has no ambition, passion, or desire.

I  have ambition, desire, and passion, but when it comes to dating or being with girls, you have to feel pain. I don't know why you do. You just do. I have learned it's hard to let go of something you want so bad, but you know it's just you. It's hard to let go especially when it comes to girls. I think it's because when we meet somebody we think is special we think of the future and have hope that it's going to be great. In the end it's not. Sometimes I hurt girls and say what I think and why they are so frustrating or they say why they can't see me. Sometimes I get mad and wonder why I get so angry. Maybe I should be grateful that I spent time with somebody else's wife. Ha ha. Seriously it's just a experience that teaches you for the next chapter in life. In my life I don't think I'll ever meet that person. I feel that I blow my chances. Sit on the bench and do not make a move. Or I pine after one girl and focus on them when I don't take a look around me and see that there are other opportunities (dates).

Pining for girls is not a good thing. I'm no dating expert, but girls don't like guys who pine too much. They probably want to know you care, but there is a time and place for pining. It's when you are pining your hand with pine tar in baseball. Yeah!! I'm funny. Hire me Jimmy Fallon!

The moral of this is I guess it's better to live in the present than the past or future because when you do not live  life in the present it   creates despair and prevents you from moving forward. When all is lost or you think life is the pits, the best thing to do is think of what you can do for someone in this world.

A very wise man who works at a store called Target told me to forget about yourself and focus on others. He is right and you don't have to be anything to change somebody's life. All you have to be is their friend and let them know  you care.

Decisions determine destiny

If you want to feel pain or the feeling of failure, I suggest you log onto facebook and see what people from your past are doing. I often have logged onto facebook to see what people have become or what they are doing. Sometimes I look and feel like such a failure. I see some people with their own houses, kids, companies, and lives I thought they would never have. It hurts because deep down inside we all compare ourselves to each other. If you say you don't, you know that is not true. Sometimes I think maybe they are just showing what they want us to see and not really how their lives really are. If so, it does not matter because you come to the conclusion that you're the failure and that everything you have not become is your fault. A friend of mine told to me to stop being a pansy the other day and to man up. Then a girl I actually like said I'm kind of a slacker because I say what I want to become, but I never do anything to get there. Yes, the truth hurts and there is no sugar coating the truth. I realize that in life I have failed and running away from my failures get me nothing in the end. I could tell those people about me. Like why I freeze up in real life situations, but they would not understand. People tend to conclude what I am by not what I have done. Another girl I liked once told me I'm good enough, but in the end she was wrong because I feel that I'm only good enough to watch other people grow and watch them progress while I just sit and wait for the opportune moment. Yes, I realize there is no opportune moment. Nobody really cares about you or your life, you just have to make your own moments of greatness. Seeing other people live the dreams that I want to live make me so mad because  as a competitor I know that I could give them a run for their money. My whole life I have learned that I can work harder and endure longer to the end than most people. Not trying to be cocky. In the end that does not matter. Companies don't care if you spend hours on end trying to make something perfect. I have worked and worked and thought if I work hard I'll get somewhere, but in the end I just got nothing in return. I have learned that you can't sit in the same place and expect something better. When you get to the end of a job, school, or event, you  can't give up and think something is going to happen. You have to make it happen.

Life has it's moments. Sometimes we fail and sometimes we excel. There may be moments when we don't do either, where we are in the same rut over and over again. Those are the moments that make you who you are. The moments when you think all is lost and there is no hope. When you see no light at the end of the tunnel or no rainbow after the storm. That is when you keep going. Some people say only look out for yourselves and do what is best for you. I  have never believed that because wherever you are, you should always do your best and look out for other people. I feel that people don't look out for other people, they only look out for only themselves. That is so wrong. Yes, we may be cheated or work a horrible job, but that does not mean we should not do our best. It's hard not to when all is lost. I often think to myself will I ever improve? Will I be that person that people see, that I don't see? I never see it. All I see is a person who talks about his past (like I got a college degree) and never do anything after that. I'm like athletes past their prime. I talk about what I once was and now I sit here and type my problems on a keyboard thinking it will get better, while not trying to make things better.

Yes, it really hurts when you don't move forward. It hurts when you hurt other people. It hurts when girls break your heart or you have to break their heart. It even hurts when all you taste is the same thing over and over again. I wonder if I'll ever change. Some days  all I see is nothing and don't believe in me. I sit and watch other people lives on facebook and that is not LIVING! I don't want to see their lives. I want to make them to see me and wish they had my life. Don't we all? Deep down inside I think we are all competitors, but then I realize that is really not the purpose of life.

It's not to be better or make your friends feel bad. It's to raise them up and make them feel that life is going to be okay. It's going out of your way to help someone in need. Not doing it for your glory or ego, but for the goodness of your heart. Maybe my life will become better, but I realize it all comes down to me. I'm the master of my ship and I'm the one that determines my destiny. In the end, all that will matter is who I helped make a better person and if I don't, then I guess I really did waste my time here on  earth........

What the L

One night I drove up to a mountain top  and looked out over the valley and it made me think. As I was sitting in my car, "This Love" by Maroon 5 came on the radio and I thought why do I waste my life trying to please other people?  What do I get? What I learned is that the only thing I get is frustration. I worked so hard in life, yet there is nothing propelling me forward; just backwards. As I sit alone in my car, I look out again at the valley and say DANG!! I realize  that the world is big and we have endless opportunities to be what we want to be.

Then I look at the building in front of my car. LDS people might know what this building is. Anyways I wonder why I keep procrastinating from going inside. I have been there before, but not in the main part. Yes, I am good enough to go in this building, but something is keeping me from going in. I keep saying I'll go in one day, but that turns into WEEKS and then to MONTHS! Then I had a epiphany.  I realized this my life. I always tell people I am going to go inside (life) and see what it has to offer. Yet I let the fear of what could happen creep inside my mind.

Life is like the NCAA Tournament because sometimes you think you're the best, but then when you play you can't even get out of the first round. You wonder why because you worked so hard and you have potential. Maybe it's because the other team worked as hard as you too and they  wanted it more. After the loss you tend to reflect on the failure. Most of the times it only lasts of few days. Then days can turn into weeks, months, and even years. Then you start to dwell of what you were in the past and it consumes you preventing you from moving forward.

Some people say whatever. Yet I don't because this is a example of me. A person who dwells on the things in the past. I once was a chirpy person and knew I had lots of potential. After certain experiences I started to dwell on the negativity of life. I became so bitter because I know that I had potential, yet I let the fear of failing get in the way. So now I look outside my front window and see my neighbors who are living the way a twenty something should live.

Then I look at my back door neighbors and see them. They are young just like me. They have a house and kids and I tell myself what the hello am I doing with my life. I say I'll do something, but fear gets in my way. It consumes me and ruins me. The fear started to happen when I was an intern in college. They loved me, but I was always afraid of messing up. So I worked hard hoping they would hire me. In the end they told me to go for my dream and don't waste my time there. So I went back to my thoughts that I'm never good enough.

Yes, it's true I think I'm never good enough because the day I realized that I'm immortal and have to die, is the day I started to worry. The worrying consumed me and I would ask people their ages not because I want to know how old they were. It was because I wanted to compare my life to their life.

What you learn is that they have moved forward and you're still at the same mentality since you were eighteen. Maybe that is like hell is like because you have to see everyone get their glory and redemption yet you are stuck in the same rut that is considered an everlasting hell. 

 That's okay because maybe these  thoughts help me become a better person. They have because it makes me realize that I should care more about people. Since I have a hard time moving forward I feel that I have become a better observer. I can tell when people are sad, frustrated, and lonely. Yet I never go and talk and try to help them. Maybe I should, but I never do.

That's a lot like life because if you never do, you will never move forward. In the end you are the one that controls your destiny. If you say you can't then you probably never will move forward. I observe that you just have to take one small step and great things can happen. When you're down in the pits of failure that is the time to go and help people and show them their greatness. When you do that, that is when you start to realize your own potential and how great you really can be....

Sometimes things don't work out. You think that you are legit or something special, but when you look outside of yourself, you start to realize that you're the failure. You realize you're the Screech of your friends, work, and  church. What is a Screech? Screech is the fictional character on "Saved by the Bell". He is in the original, college, and new series. He is  the person that people like, but he is also the person that has not had   their aha moment. It's not funny. It's sad when you don't move forward. It hurts especially when you see that people move on and you don't. They say it's your fault and that you should do what you want to do with your life, but sometimes in life you feel like there is all this pressure to be the best and when you don't move forward you start to feel that you are the biggest FAILURE on God's earth. Failing is awful especially when you work so hard to get noticed and yet the only thing you get in return is nothing except cut hours from work and the thought that you could be in this RUT forever. They say you are the master of your ship, but when you don't have your moments of how good you really are, then you start to think there is no hope.

You could tell people your frustrations, but I feel sometimes they don't care. They only care about their own problems. I guess you could say that sometimes it's not a good idea to tell people how you feel.

In the end, none of  this stuff I write  about really matters. It does not matter that I have not had my life changing moments. It does not matter if I don't make money or the company I work for cuts my hours or tells me to smell you later. All that matters is helping people.  I am no expert in that . I do watch and observe people all the time when I am at church, work, or outside my bubble. I realize that no matter how legit people may act, they are still no better than the dust of the earth. They are not perfect. They need our help too. Helping is hard because people don't like help. They don't want people to know that they are mortal and that the walls of greatness they show are really not that great.

When you realize this, that is when things start to change. That is when you start to move forward and learn that you can do anything you want to do. It may seem difficult, but if you actually do something about it then good things  come your way. It is hard to get up and move forward especially when you see no hope. We only see what's  currently in front of us. Sometimes that is bad because if you don't take a look around you, above you,  or behind you, then you won't know your true potential.....

NEXT

The best advice I ever got was a guy that told me a four letter word. No it's not a swear, it's the word next. Why is next so great? You learn that with life there are other opportunities that lie ahead. Next is the greatest mindset to have. In the working world, you  can do all that you can and sometimes things don't work out. You don't become what you want to be or the company you have spent time with is not what you thought it would be. So sometimes you have just have to look and think and say next. Next maybe scary because you don't know what lies ahead. It's the fear of the unknown. You wonder if it is greener on the other side. If you never taking chances in work, life, or other things, then you will never know your true potential.

Next also works in dating. I have learned that dating is just a date and nothing more. I used to get offended if a girl I really liked did not like me back. I have learned that is stupid because you can't force someone to like you. You just have to get up and dust yourself  off and say next. Sometimes it's the other way around. A girl likes you, but you don't feel that way with them. They get all offended that you don't want to be with them and they say they won't mind if you tell them the truth. I have learned in life it's better to not say what you want to say  because that creates drama and I'm not into drama. Yes, you are going to have to hurt people's feelings. It's part of the dating game. I think people have to realize that most of the times, it does not work out. If you truly believe in marriage then you know that there is only one person out there and if you take dating seriously then it's more important that you meet lots of girls and see how you're with them. I always wonder why people or I get offended because when you think of the long term, you realize it's stupid to get mad at. Once you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you realize that all the things in the past are nothing bad. They were experiences that helped you prepare for the one you are suppose to be with.

Next works in life, especially when things don't work out. Life is a test and sometimes that can be a pest. You have to say next and focus on the good. When things don't go your way, I feel that you should focus on what you can do for others. That is all that matters in life. I don't care if I ever get married. I actually do care if I get married, but if it does not work out  then it does not matter because in the end all the matters is who I helped out in this life. People all around need our help. It can be a simple hi or just shoveling someone's walk. Sometimes they may take advantage of you, but that's okay because if you believe that you're here to make life better then you realize it's okay. That's what life is about. We are here to raise people up and help them realize their true potential. You can say you are not what you want to be and that is why you can't help people, but that mind process is false because we are already chosen and we can help anyone out.  One day things do work out. I know they do because if we think we are failing , we are not failing because we are actually trying. We are just being tested and getting experiences that makes us better human beings than we were the day before.