"Another head aches, another heart breaks. I am so much older than I can take And my affection, well it comes and goes I need direction to perfection, no no no no! Help me out Yeah, you know you got to help me out. Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back-burner. You know you got to help me out"
Yet I have no talent. I wasted my life. I reflect on my time and realize I have wasted a lot of time on worrying on what people think of me. Who cares what they think? I do. Maybe it's because I am insecure and I think they really care what I am doing at this very moment. What have I done? Or what have I become? I am supposed to become a dentist, lawyer, doctor, or something I hate. I hate everything. I found no passion. All I ever found was the politics that go along in a workplace. I am never going to be the risk taker who puts all his money into something that has no purpose. I can not even get to career level. It's like a video game. I can not get to the next lever. Maybe I am sick. Or maybe that is how I am always going to be. A person who graduated with a degree and went for a run and came back to where he started from. I can not focus. At this very moment I think of the people from my past and present that irk me. That I want to prove wrong. Want to make them realize I am great. Yet, they do not remember me. Maybe they read this and maybe they do not. I want you to know that I will be something. Maybe not today or tomorrow. Maybe one day. How many maybes can you have in a life. Or say I will do it tomorrow? I have been saying that my whole life. My family tells me that girls do not like me because of my career or lack of. I work, but nothing special. I thought the whole point of a relationship was moving forward together.
Yet, why did I let her go? I only love her when I let her go. Yet, I never even let her go. I just avoided the whole DTR thing. At times I miss her. I go on dates with other girls and they are so lame. Then I think of her and think maybe she was the one. The one I was suppose to marry. Yet, she is probably married at this moment. I do not want to know. It's like Star Wars Episode III when Obi Wan finds out Anakin destroys all the Jedi. It is just pain. I do not want to know. Even though I wonder. I wonder. Maybe because she actually cared about me, but in the end we were different. I did not care meeting her friends or doing things that are not my style. I just wanted to spend time with her. Yet, it only ended up in kissing. Maybe that is why I miss her because I miss the affection and things like that. You have to put those feelings away and never let anyone see the real you.
Maybe I will never get those opportunities again. All the people I meet now are lame. They think after a second date they can determine who you are and what you're going to be. If so, the heck with them. I do not want to date anyone that does not see what I can bring to a relationship.
As I type I realize who cares what I want. Every time I go to church I feel like that is what everyone is thinking. Why me? Why I do not have what I want? The poor me thing. You feel worse after you go instead of feeling better. I think it is because we have our minds not in the right place. Church is a place to heal. A place to realize that you're here to help others. That you're in service for others. It is hard when you do not progress, but maybe that is the test. To see what you will do when you are not where you want to be. To endure all things and keep moving forward.
