It is all meaningless when you wake up every day and do what you hate and you look at yourself and wonder what have you done in this life. It's also pointless when you have nothing and nobody, you just wake up and wonder and hope, but you realize it does not change. It makes you sad and it even makes you more sad when you see people move forward in life, when you have worked so hard and yet nothing has become from that hard work. You start to wonder if doing what is right is worth it? or should you just go and do what you want because doing what is right does not make life better.

People think I am negative and I would have to say I am and it is kind of hard to overcome when you have never done anything in life. I have never done anything, just worried of the things that could happen. I have never experienced the joy of life, just the ruts of life and it gets to the point where it ruins you. It makes you down everyday and it makes you think it will never become better. People say it is my fault and that I choose the way I want to react to life situations, but that is not true. There comes a time when you need people and need to experience new things, but I don't because I have no friends. I could invite myself, but that is kind of hard to do when you have been so isolated for so long. I am not a freak, I am a normal attractive guy, I just can't overcome the thoughts of never being good enough.

I wish I could meet a girl that likes me and I like her back, but I never have. I have in the past, but I never did anything about it. It is hard for me to socialize, I usually run away when I have to because I don't feel like I belong. I never did anything with girls and so it is hard to be confident and have swag when you meet the girls you like. I usually just act all nervous and it drives me insane and I always sell myself short and think why would a girl want me, if they could only see how I see myself.

I always wonder what people think of me when they see me, but I'll never know because people never really say things to me and that does not help either because it makes you feel like you are a freak and that nobody wants to get to know you. I think people still judge me for certain things I have not done and I can't seem to get over the things I have not done in the past and it is really frustrating because you can't move forward, just backwards and that is no way to life a live.

I hope that one day it will all change and I have to realize that life can bring you down, but I still can lift people up even though life can be frustrating at times. I guess we have to be patient and take small steps forward to reach the destination. Life can be hard, but I have learned we can't give up because if there is always hope even though we can't see it. There has to be a end to the pain,the sorrow, and the shattered dreams. I know how to do that and that is to move forward and sometimes it is hard because change is scary, but it is a good thing because change makes us who we are. Change could be for the best, or it could be for the worse, but if we never try then we will become like me a person who has not done a thing at all and that is no way to live a life. Life is about joy not about enduring and I sure hope that one day I feel the real joy of this life.

reason

They say things happen for a reason and that everything falls into place. I do not believe that because if bad things happen, then why is it a good reason? or why did it happen? I am not saying bad things happen to me, I am just saying that I never like that idea that everything works out and you get what you want. I have learned that you don't always get what you want and life is not fair at times. You wonder why, but you have to make the most of what happens and you can't sit and do nothing and hope it will all work out.

That is what I have realized because if you want something, you have to do in order to achieve and that is how it all falls into place and sometimes things don't work out and bad things happen. I guess it is to make us better than we are today. Then there are times when they don't make us better, we just go back to our old attitudes and quit because we lose hope. That has happened to me numerous times. Things don't go my why and I feel like a complete failure, but I think I need to realize that I am not a failure and that I am better than I was before. I still don't see it because in my mind I have done nothing, just work, worked out, and go to school. I have watched people move on, grow up, and taste the goodness of life, while I just stare and wonder when is it my time. I don't know if I will ever have my time or even make in my standards because I have not made it. I am not talking about making money or any of that other fake stuff, I am just talking about progressing. I don't think I have progressed at all, I am the same as I was when I was younger. I have not progressed socially or even progressed in my job, and religion.

When you don't move forward that is when you become negative and start to hate the world because the only thing you see is failure and nothing else makes you happy because all you wanted was to taste what other people taste and that is success. I have success in running and other things, but those things are sports and they don't really change your life. I do those because I like competition.

When were down in the dumps and think it will never get better that is when we have to help others because it is better to change other people's lives then our own. I really believe that or I feel like I have a sense of duty to help others, even though I don't have everything all together in my own life. I know if I do help people, one day everything will improve and if not you just can't lose hope because things do work out, it just might take a little longer. So I guess we should never quit because there is always hope.