I read someones status update the other day on facebook and they said they felt alone. I did not believe they truly felt alone because they don't know what it is like. They are married and they have lots of friends that are real. They don't know what it is like to be alone. I feel alone all the time, even though I am around people . It sucks and I don't know if it will ever get better. I am alone and yet people think I am some social kid. I laugh at that because I do nothing. I just sit at my house on weekends and wondered what the hell did I do to deserve this. They don't know what it's like to go to church and feel alone. I do and I hate it, it makes me hate people more sometimes. I try to befriend people, but it is not easy and it is not fun going to church activities alone. I feel like an outsider there, even though I have been there for a year. I don't like my ward because I don't belong and all my so called "friends" don't go to the church activities because they have girlfriends and they think that the girls in my ward are not that cute.
There are actually cute girls there, but I don't really have my heart set on those girls. I do have my heart set on some girls, but I never do anything about it. It is sad that I don't, but when you don't do anything social for years and do not really date. You have negative thoughts about yourself and it destroys you. I think these girls I want to date are so great and I wonder why would they be interested in me. This is what goes in my mind and so I am alone because I don't believe I belong anywhere. It has gone on for years and I don't know if I'll ever overcome this thought process.
I'm not alone in reality, but my feelings are alone and it is not good to have. There is nothing to look forward to anymore. I am in a rut and I don't think it will change. I have changed in good ways, but they have not helped me in my social life. That is sad because I think you need to be social. It makes life better and it makes you more balanced. I don't do anything anymore, I just work, go to school, run, and workout. Then I go to bed because I have nothing to do. It hurts, but you get used to it after awhile.
I do know what people feel like when they say they are alone. It hurts and it destroys you. It makes you feel less of a person and sometimes it makes you hate people more. I think before I act and I see people that are alone and I want to help them because I felt it and still do. I will do my part in making people feel like they belong. I wished I would of written something to that person that made that comment on facebook. I didn't because it is hard for me to say what I really want to say. I should have and I'll try my best next time to help someone not feel alone. That is the purpose of life to help people. I have learned it does not have to be something big. It can be just saying hi or holding a door for someone that has a kid in their had, or helping someone to their car. These are the small things and I don't know if it changed their life. It helped me because I know in my mind I was helping them out and I was paying attention to their needs.
That is another thing, I pay attention to a lot of people and yet they don't even remember me. People say it does not hurt, but deep down inside it hurts. It makes you realize that people don't really care about you. The other day I was at church activity for my ward. This one person asked me for their help and I've met them before and yet they could not remember my name. I'm not offended, however it just made me realize people don't think about me. I am just a number and nothing else. That sad thing is I know a lot about this person. I remembered their name and what they do for a job. I even knew their relationship status. That is why I think it's sad, I pay attention to people and yet they don't remember me. I should get used to it because I was never anything special. I think I'm cool, but I don't think people like me. They seem fake and I guess they are not really my friends.
For me, it just makes me think I am never good enough and that nothing will ever improve. I am not trying to be negative, but I am saying I don't improve in socializing or things that give you passion. I don't think it is wrong to want those things. People say it's my fault. It is, but it's not easy to go invite yourself with people especially when you have thoughts that you are never good enough. I am good enough in my mind, but I don't feel good enough to belong.So I have gone on for years hoping that it would get better. It doesn't and it just makes me more down and I also become more negative. One day I hope it will all change, but I don't know if it ever will because I've been saying for years it would change and I'm here right now and everything is still the same.
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