Alone

People think that if you go to a soical event you will feel welcomed. I don't when I go to my ward's activities.I never feel like I am apart of that group. I feel like an outsider, even though I joke and talk to some cute girls, I still feel like I don't belong. No matter what I do I never feel good enough and I feel like I have to prove myself to other people because I feel that people lable me sometimes for certain things I did not do in the LDS church. I never went on an LDS mission and I got some crap for it, but that was one reason why I went into isolation for awhile. I was sick of people giving me crap for not going. I am not a bad LDS person for not going, but I still feel like I am different, no matter what I do. That is why I always try my hardest in everything I do because I want to prove those people wrong. I wan't them to know that I am not a bad person and that I can make it just as much as any LDS person that went on a mission. These may be negative thoughts but this is how I feel and how I act. No matter what I do, it can be better. I am a perfectionist and it's bad sometimes, but I guess that is something I can work on.

These thoughts have made me feel alone sometimes because those people don't know what I went through and everytime I open up to other people I hate talking about myself, because I always think they are judging me. That is why I don't ask out girls sometimes. There are some girls that I really do want to date, but I am always wondering what they are thinking about me. I know I am a attractive young man and I am not trying to be cocky. However, my thoughts get in the way from letting me having good realationships with girls I like. There are girls I met in my ward tonight that I really like, but I feel that they don't like me. They could, but I always sell myself short because I wonder why a girl would like me and why would they want to get to know me. I am attractive, but I am not something yet. These thoughts are what have prevented me from progressing in this life. It's not good, but I always think the worse. I always wonder why should I get what I want, when there is so many people in this world that don't get what they want.

I still believe that I'll get better and I'll never quit. I wanted to quit a lot of times in my life. I wonder why I even try to do the right thing sometimes. Sometimes nothing good comes out of doing the right thing. Sometimes I have been alone for standing up for the right thing and wonder is it even worth it. Then you see people that do what they want in this life and they seem pretty happy. I guess that ist the purpose of this life is to be tested and to grow from one's experiences. When nothing happens and you just do the exact same thing for the past four years, that is when you start to lose hope.

Life has gotten better, but I still don't feel like I have reached my true potential. It's frustrating and I am sick of doing the same old crap over and over again. I know if I move and keep moving it will work out. I hope it does because I need to move forward in this life and I will and I know if I try my best life can turn out the way it was meant to be. Progessing in this life is my ultimate dream because I would like to know what it is like to be married or even have a career. I know people may think these are lame, but these are my happy thoughts and everytime I think about those things, I have hope and I know that I can't give up. I won't quit, even if I do make it in my own terms, I still wont quit. I know that when I stop, that is when I can fall back down again. My plan is to never quit and always keep moving forward and trying my best in everything I do.