Some days are just days. They hurt like hell. You have no desire to do a thing. People laugh at you for the way you are. They think the things that bother you are stupid and that anyone who has those things are insane. Well I do. I'm sorry you could not see it that way. Sorry when I apologize to you, you walk away and say whatever. Well see you later then. That is how I really feel. You wonder why I don't change and I tell you a reason and you just think it's because I don't want to go. No, it's not that. I have been scared of going places my whole life. It's ruined me. They say you can change, but it so hard to change when you have things like anxiety. Anxiety is shameful because if you told people that you are scared of bathrooms and sitting in a theater, going to Jury Duty, or going thirty minutes away from you house is not real. Well it is. They told me I can change with my thoughts, yet I don't. I'm sorry that I fail you. Who? My family. They are ashamed of me. They don't help me, just make me more stressed out. If you don't like what I do, then tell me to leave you alone. Who who the hell cares what happens to me. Your family only has to put up with your garb because they feel guilty for bringing you in this world. Where everybody is frustrating at times and only thinks about them. It's true. I've tried to be outgoing. I even tried to help people, but they don't care. All they care about is them. When something happens they don't care. They forget get about you. Maybe that is why I carry so much hate inside. The only thing I feel is anger and negative feelings. Never good enough because my family tells me I had it easy. Especially my mother. She tells how great she was back in her day and that my brother and I don't know what it's like. Then the heck with you. No wonder I can never have a real conversation because all you do is tell me what you did and what I do wrong. I am never good enough. I was never good enough. I went to college and got a degree and when backwards to the shiz of life. So I fail. I fail my family because I don't do a thing even though I worked hard. I worked it for all the wrong things. It's sad to move backwards. It's sad when people younger than you are in charge of you when you know deep down inside that you could do a better job. Who cares, right? I sit and type and that's all I do. I wonder why I'm the way I am. Maybe my family did teach me to worry and never enjoy life. Maybe they taught me to worry and be cheap with money and never have fun. They tell me back in the day I was normal, but back then I was a kid and when you're a kid you don't do a thing. There is nothing to worry about. Now when you grow up, you're suppose to have a plan. In Church they tell you if you do God's will he will bless you. When you do the right thing, you still have to have more problems. So who would want to be religious if you're going to die tomorrow and always have problems? I have done the right things, but the only thing I get is anxiety/ depression. I see the girls date tools. I see the girls I like leave me for them. Maybe it's the other way around because I'm the tool. I let the anxiety get in my way. I let it ruin me. I had hope, but everyday it goes away. I know eventually I'll probably be stuck out in the cold because I could not make a decision. I let the anxiety ruin me. When that happens I should realize I had my chances and I did not do a thing. It was so hard to change. It's hard when you have anxiety. I never wanted to use things like this as an excuse, but it in the end I lost and the only thing I have is my mediocre life. I was suppose to see the world. I was suppose to fall in love with a girl and one day have kids and do the right thing, but they were just dreams and not all dreams come true. they say endure to the end and that God will help you. If you're there, why can't you come talk to me in my hour of need? Every time I'm alone again, naturally. Nobody cares because we all have problems and that's pretty much about it. So if I'm out in the cold it's my own fault.
Yet I run in the cold and I know this SHIzzle won't last forever. I have a pulse I have a brain. I even have a heart and once you realize everything is inside maybe that is when you can change. Maybe I won't. I guess in the end it all comes down to you. So if God really wants me to be something, then he will help me change because if not, then what are we here for? To do what we want? I don't know, maybe that is the question of why we are here. I don't want to be here to just help others. I want to help me. I want to live. I don't want to live an untold story anymore because I was meant to live for so much more and I don't want to go back and say could have been me...
