When you fail

 Some people are miserable. Like everyday they wake up and chose to be bitter and angry and they never act like they are part of the problem. If I lived in a different world I would not be where I am.  I don't want to be where I live or where I work. Work sucks, I know. she left me roses by the stairs. Nobody left me roses, but Blink 182 was a good band, but their new music sucks. 

Work does suck especially when they treat you like a child. It is humiliating. It is like Groundhog Day. The same thing. Same pattern same routine. Bull crap pay for all the work they want you to do. Why should I make the company money, when the only people who get a bonus is my manager? It makes me mad. I always worked hard, but not smart. That is why I am behind in life all because of  anxiety. I work at a job I hate, but it is hard to move on because of anxiety. It is not easy. Never was. You never tell people unless you are those cringe influencers  who tell the whole world their problems. If you make money from doing that, then good for you. If not, then I do not see the point.  

Anxiety can stunt you from being what you want to be or where you want to be. That is what this post is about I don't want to be where I want to be. I want to make money and live alone. I do not want to be around the people that are toxic, but then you realize they are your family. Some people  get worse with age. They chose to be that way. Like they only say negative things about people. It is not like this person is young, they are old and they still act like a child. Like they say all of their neighbors are idiots and weirdos, yet they can never look in the mirror. Then they said you probably think they're a b****. Yes, you are. You are a jerk and how you treat people is embarrassing. I know I can be a baby, but I am not your age. I have failed for someone my age and realize I probably could become like that person if I don't change my ways. Same pattern same routines. I don't want to be like you. You are not a bad person, just bitter and controlling. 

The other day they were getting mad at their dog because the dog moves the blankets  every time it takes a nap. That is what sets me off. Then I see them always arguing  with this one person and they act like they are not part of the problem. You are. Then one day they were saying something about their neighbor and it set me off. Like I don't give a damn what people do, but the were saying that this one guy on their street probably beats their wife. I am just like you can not say things like that and they took offense and started arguing with me. I said you don' t know if it is true. Then they went all in defensive mode because that is what they always do when they are trying to act like they are in control. 

Maybe you are losing your memory, but the a hole in me does not feel bad because I know you will just become more rude. Like I try to be patient, but the older you get, the more I don't want to be around you. You are a jerk to other people and bitter and you don't realize that you cause problems. You will always say it is because of your upbringing and that your Father was an alcoholic. Yet, you can not blame your family for how you act and treat people do this day. 

Hold onto your grudges and be miserable until you die. I guess you chose to be that way. I am on that path too, but I am more aware of it. I am not stupid. No one wants to be around negative people.

I don't want to work for stupid companies anymore, I have done that for years. Some days living in a van and being alone seems like the dream, even I have to pee in a bottle and crap in a bucket. I don't want to be like people in my family, but I probably will end up just like them. Most people fail because they do not believe in themselves and that is true. Most people are an untold story..

It is sunny outside

 They were right and I was wrong. One person the other day said they faced more wins than losses. I could relate to that. Sometimes you get bitter. Sometimes you take it personal because people say stupid shiz that you  know is true.  Sometimes people do not understand. Like you family. Like as a person who is single, why would you want to be around your family all the time? You rather be with you friends, but I don't have any friends. I have no friends. People say they're your friends, but they don't invite you to things that they do with their friends. 

Who cares. Like seriously  who the hell cares. Deep down inside we all crave some form of attention. It's hard when you're not part of the spotlight. That is why social media is great especially when you get views because you know that other people think your content is great. In the end who gives a shiz because if you're not make money from your content, then it's a waste of time. 

I've wasted a lot of time. Wasted time at a dead end job for years. Went on meaningless dates. Wasted time not being a billionaire. The only thing productive was running and lifting weights, but I'm not a professional athlete.  Even athletes fade away. Father Time is a word I can not say, but it catches up to everyone. The worst thing in life is never doing anything at all.

 People think you are a jerk, but they don't know it's the anxiety. Anxiety keeps you from doing things and then you get stuck in a rut. Society tells you to take pills and that pills are the best thing to take. Pills are the worst. They just make you feel like you don't give a ****, but they still don't help you overcome your problems. Your failures. 

My failure is never being what I am supposed to be. I feel like most companies are fake and they don't really care about me. Like they find every reason to not pay you for the work you do. someone said that is a negative attitude, but it happens when you work at a dead end job. You know the grass is not always greener, but greener pastures just seem so good. Hell, even being a janitor seems better than the shiz I do. I am sick of it all. Sick of trying to please people. Like for real. 

Most people do not do what they want to do. Some say it is having kids and being an adult. Others say traveling the world is what life is about. I don't do any of those things. All because of anxiety. It is my own fault. I don't drug myself like they tell me to do. They say drugs help, but I don't want to be dependent on medication. Who wants to take medication for the rest of their life. Most people probably do, but who knows. I don't really care and I also on a random note I do not care who wins the Super Bowl. 

I gave myself a haircut

 Saw an Adam Sandler movie the other day and realized I am like some of the characters they portray in the movie. Like the character who does that exact same thing forever and never moves forward. I am that person. The worst feeling is never moving forward. It's probably what hell is like because you're stuck in a rut. The main reason is anxiety and then there are other things that often come your way. Like injuries and surgeries.

I got injured a few weeks ago and it was not an injury where you could walk it off. It was horrible. Not as horrible as never moving forward. I said I would move forward, but I have not. I have done the exact same thing for years and years. I thought my time would come, but the only thing that came was anxiety and depression. Maybe it's depression. I do have anxiety, but some days seem depressing. Maybe because it's winter and winter sucks.  I don't care if you ski or snowboard because I run in the winter and it SUCKS. I guess I should be glad I can run, but in the end you get old. Most people do. Then you see people that you know that are old and they are miserable. They get offended over every meaningless thing. I guess that is what people do when they are retired and wasted their whole life worrying about everything. 

I can't say who I am talking about, but in the end that will probably be like me. I wasted my whole life worrying and not living. Who gives a dang what your neighbors do, but that is what some people do when they have nothing better to do. If they are doing something bad, then you should call the police, but if they are just doing their own thing, then stop watching them every second of your life. 

Kind of like when I am at work. Why the heck should I care what people do when I should be working on moving forward in my life. In the end I do not. I wasted my life all because of anxiety. Let me say it is horrible. Everything is worse in your mind than it really is. It prevents you from moving forward like working and living in new places. 

I don't care what they say about us anyway. I don't care about that.

 I wonder why things don't work out. I wonder why we let the fear of other people's failures scare us from doing what we want. What do we want? I don't know. I think most people want to be famous these days. They think they can go viral with Tiktok, Instagram, or youtube. What have I learned from social media? Absolutely nothing. It  feels good when you get likes and views, but in the end you probably won't go viral or become famous.

Part of the Journey is the End- Iron Man

Ran ten miles and my body in the end failed me. I still was running, but you could feel the pain. The legs shutting down. The desire is there and always there, but sometimes you just fail. I don't fail at running, but I run fast and when I'm not going at the pace I want to go at, I consider it a failure. It made me reflect on life. We wanted to great things, but we let ourselves get in the way. Told people I was going to be something, but I've done the same thing for more than a decade. It's sad. I work so hard in everything I do, but in the end it just becomes frustrating. People don't care if you work hard. They don't care if you gave a 110%, they only care about the numbers and the bottom line. I guess the moral of the story is to just do what is best for you and not try to be loyal to something that doesn't make you have a better life. In the end it doesn't matter, but you have to live in this world and you got to keep on moving.

Sometimes you go running and you get hurt. Sometimes you get trapped in the rain. Sometimes your thoughts betray you. Sometimes you just got to keep running. It is hard, but is it worth it?  Only time will tell. Just like life, you can't just stay  in the same place and expect something different. You have to keep going and going. Never look back or look what is in front of you because the distractions can be deadly.

I Got a Jar of Dirt

I thought I had a chance with her. She was tall and skinny like me, but deep down I knew she was out of my league. I had to settle for the girl that was not my type and thought this could work as I held her hand. I thought this is great, but after I left on a warm Summer's night I realized I can not do this. I can not. The texting every day had to stop and I could not take it anymore. I did what I'm good at and I ghosted her. I never gave her a reason, but after two dates you either  run away or keep forcing yourself to be with a person that is not your type. That tall girl came to my mind as I was with that girl I tried to like.. She was cool, we went on a date and I was the date from hell. I showed up late because I was talking to another girl from Brazil. I knew the Brazil girl would never work because how the hell could you fall in love with someone that is not even in the same continent as you are?  I went on a  date with the tall girl. It was so so, but she texted me back and acted like she wanted to do something again. That is why I was excited and did not want to give in to this other girl that I was with because I thought the tall girl could be something. As time went by I texted her Happy Birthday and I never heard from her. I thought maybe she did not get the text, but in reality she was doing what I do best and that is ghost me. It did not hurt because I knew deep down inside that no super attractive girl will ever be into me. Never will. 

Then it all came back to that Summer of 2014 when I was dumb and naive. I thought I had a chance with that girl. I thought maybe a girl could like me because I was still angered from the girl from 2013. The 2013 girl was probably the first girl that broke my heart. I have to see her every Sunday and it still burns to this day  because you never gave me a chance. 

I actually thought the 2014 girl actually liked me, but deep down I knew no girl ever liked me. I may be good looking, but girls don't like that. They only care about that if it's only for an evening because in the end they want security and someone they can rely on. You can rely on me, but nobody cares about that. I thought that's possible, but in the end I learned girls want guys who have careers or guys who seem on the outside like they're going to be great. I'm good, but I never progressed and I learned that no girl wants to waste her life with a Peter Pan Boy (that's what some people call me) who doesn't grow up. It's not that I did not want to move forward.There was a time when I wanted to. It was when I was 25 and graduated from college. I thought everything is going to work out. I even thought about moving far away to California. I remember my Mother said that is the dumbest idea ever. It hurt, but why can't I dream? Then after that I remember I went to a hospital to visit a family member and that is when I went downhill ever since. It haunted me and still does to this day. I came to the conclusion that we all have to die. Like Billy Joel said," Only the Good Die Young". We eventually die. Die of old age and watch ourselves fade into oblivion. They say it's great. How's it great when you can not do anything? When your body betrays you and everything else falls apart? 

After that experience I was out of it for two days. I remember sitting in my bed with the fear of that thought. Every day it bothers me to this day. It now comes back to me when I was with my friend who was visiting from St. George at the time and told me I have done the exact same thing for years. I've slept in the same bed. I guess he moved forward by drinking and partying from what he told me because eventually he got the confidence to ask out girls. To this day I realize he is right. I have not done anything. I've done the exact same thing for years, but only the thing that has  changed is that I have more fears. All because of a thing called anxiety.

Anxiety is like in the movie "Hook" when Peter Pan can't remember who  is and is scared of heights and does not do anything to rescue his kids. That is me. I can not get past that ledge and be who I really want to be.  I told everyone I would progress, but I do not. I go backwards not forward. I go running and come back to where I started from. I watch girls I liked be with jerks (to me they are). I watch my store hire a manager and have supervisors that are younger than me. That is the worse feeling of all. It makes you suck it up and take it like a man. I don't want to be a manager or work at that place forever. I'm scared to do anything. Anything. I was told by a girl that if I don't take medication she could not date me. I will never take medication. Never. It's not my thing . I will hit rock bottom before that. I have my agency and if I have to be a loser my whole life, (like Walter Mitty) then so be it. Something has go to give, but nothing does. Nothing lights the fire within. Only when I am running an see other people. I race them and beat them, but who cares because they're slow and not good runners anyways. who cares? 

Nobody cares. I don't care and you don't care. You shouldn't care either. I'm just a person that is like everybody else with the same dreams. I'm not like everyone else. I am who I am and I will always be different. I am on my on path and the only person stopping me from me is me.