The NFL

Life is like the Carolina Panthers game last night against the Denver Broncos. They were so close to winning, but right at the end something goes wrong. Shiz happens. That is life. Sometimes your hope gets sucked out with minutes left. Some say that's life, but how many more failures do you have to witness. I reflect and conclude and according to people that everything is my fault. I control my own destiny, yet nothing clicks. Have hope for a few minutes and then it gets dashed. I had hope, but at times it goes away. I had hope in relationships, but deep down inside I know the outcome. It does not work out. In my mind I know most of the time relationships don't work out. Jobs disappoint you. Friends betray you or forget about you. That is life. Life can be brutal. For me it's all me. I have things that challenge me. Some say I have depression/anxiety, but I would never say because I don't want to make excuses. I have hope to the very end, but to me life is like running in a cold Alaska winter...All you see is darkness and no light. The light is there, but it's hard to move forward because you're afraid of what could happen. You know from the past everything that you did ended in disappointment. That's were it starts. Events like that trigger hopelessness, anger, and frustration. I've lost it because I felt like I worked hard in school, my job, and life and nothing panned out. You see other people and things just click and to say you're happy for them is a lie because deep down inside no one is really happy for people unless they have it all figured out. Most people don't have it figured out. They play the part with their possessions, looks, or how they act. I learn most people don't have it all figured out. The ones that do are rare because they are the best people in the world. The people that really care and really are happy for others. That was my dream to like that, but I got the best of me and I type and type and go running and running and I stop and stare and I go nowhere. I believe I can get to where I need to be, but in the end I'm always back to where I started from. What do I learn from being in the same place? Nothing. I've learned nothing and it does not make sense. I tried to help others, but when you can't help yourself, it's hard to help people. I'm tired of being what I can't be. I'm tired of watching my friends get the pursuit of happiness while I get to lay in a bed full of sorrow. I'm tired of all girls I like playing games. I don't want that. I want to move on from the shire. I want to know what it's like to live I don't want to live an untold story. Yet I do, but that is life. Things don't always pan out. Cars get damaged, hearts get broken, and egos get bruised, but I realize that I'm still alive and everything I need is already inside. Yet, I don't realize that. It's not that hard to move one foot in front of the other, but we make it so. We wait for the opportune moment, but there is no such thing..Life is like running in the winter because it's not going to last forever and sometimes it's cold and sometimes it's warm, but if you keep going you go back to where you started from. Maybe you're suppose to do something or help someone. Yet we're always too concerned about what's ahead and never want what is right in front of us. We meet people we could have relationships with, yet we think there is always someone better. We complain about our lives, but you realize there are six billion plus people in the world and in reality nothing is really that big of a deal. So your car sucks, the girl next door shattered your heart, and you're not paid for what you're worth. That's life and so it goes on and you wonder why you are here. Some say to eat drink and be MERRY because we all die tomorrow. Others say it's for higher purposes... To forget about yourself and help others...I have to stop typing so I can go chill and watch the NFL.

If I use the reason the way I am is because of my parents.  Then that is a crutch and that I so many years old and I'm my own person. Maybe those things made me who I am. Maybe it triggered and made me worried. Maybe it made me worry so much that I had to impress everyone. I'm sorry I fail YOU. I'm sorry I don't move forward. I only regress backwards to the same thing over and over. I have anxiety and I never like to admit it. It gets worse as time goes on. To live your life in fear is no way to live your life. That is why people move on. Move on without me. I'm like Woody for Toy Story, I get replaced eventually. I"m still the same, but eventually you can't hang with Screech forever. I am the Screech of life because I never moved forward. I tried, but not good enough. It's sad, but that is the card I was dealt with in life. People say it's so easy to overcome anxiety, yet as time passes it gets worse. I get more scared. I can do things, but I'm always in a constant state of worrying about the unknown. Maybe that is why I get frustrated because I can't get what I want (to live life to the fullest and not care about what people think of you). I admire those people who live like that. I don't, I lived in a constant fear and I'm told it's easy to break out of it. I can tell you it's not easy. It's hard. It's hard especially when you get further behind in life. The more I worry, the less likely I move forward. I don't know if I'll ever move forward. It's kind of sad, but that is life. Girls don't want that from a man. I guess I should realize that is life and no girl wants to be with a guy who can't be a man. I'm afraid of  real jobs and getting canned. I'm afraid of other things too that prevent me from tasting the goodness of life. I get to witness other people have it, but as a person you still don't really care because you want to be that person. The other day a girl I once pined for got married to some person I used to chill with. If I was a baller (according to my friend) I would congratulate them. That is not the baller thing to do. The baller thing to do is never even say a word and never give a thought to them. Actually I am since I'm typing about this. ha ha  That girl I met was from 2014 and I should not care about 2014 because that is the past and it's history. Yes, I may fail and 2014 was a fail year for me, but as a person once showed me, you can come back and prove everyone wrong. I feel like no one believes in me and so I relate to this person. Who is this person? It's Lebron James. He may make millions, but everyone wrote him off. Said he could never do the unthinkable, beat the Golden State Warriors being down 3-1 in the NBA Finals. Yet, somehow Lebron James did. He never gave up and always believed. That is how I feel. Maybe my time to show the world who I really am has not come. Maybe it never will. If I keep doing the small things, eventually things will follow through. People don't believe in you, then you can't care because in the end you control your destiny. You're not going to please your family, friends, co-workers, girlfriends, and other people. The only person you need to please is yourself and that is one step to closer happiness. When you do what inspires you, then eventually you'll inspire others. 

"I know I could lie but I’m telling the truth Wherever I go there’s a shadow of you I know I could try looking for something new But wherever I go, I'll be looking for you. Some people lie but they're looking for magic. Others are quietly going insane I feel alive when I’m close to the madness No easy love could ever make me feel the same." - One Republic

People say they move on from the past, but yet it's not true. Maybe they moved on, got a tattoo, and even saw Baloo, but deep down inside we never forget. I remember my past a lot these days and I wonder why. Some say it's because I can't move on and others say it's because I have anxiety and that I don't want to take a chance and see what's out there. I look and what I see is nothing. I go running and all I see are the BLVD of broken dreams. Nobody is what they want to be. They say they're happy with their lives and that it's okay if things did not go the way they wanted them to be. Who the heck wants that? Who wants to work and work for something that is nothing. Who wants to work and only to be fired in the end? That's all I see. Maybe it's because that is what happened to my family. Maybe that is where the hurt comes.maybe it's because they chose to act a  certain way, that is why I act the way I do. I'm not them and they're not me. I know deep down inside they must think I'm a failure even though I try so hard, but for all the wrong things. No, I don't do bad things. I just spend time being loyal and trying to please all when you know it's gets you nowhere. You can't do things because you are suppose to. You have to do things because you want to. If you don't know what you're fighting for then there really is no point. I felt like that has happen to me. I do everything because I'm suppose to, but in the end I get frustration. Who cares. It's called life, but life is not suppose to be endured. It's suppose to be enjoyed. 

Who cares because this post has nothing to do with the quote and what is this quote all about? It's about the people from my past. wherever I go I always remember you. From Chelsey, to Jenny, to Cydni, to  Stacia, and even to AK47 I still remember you. Some I never even dated and some are now married/engaged, but the girls I meet now don't  even make me feel the same. Maybe it's depression or maybe it's fear of rejection, but the ladies I meet now don't make me feel like there could be progression. Why would a girl want a guy who worries himself sick? A person who can't be everything you want him to be? That's been my life motto, wait until you're something or until you have it all. The more you wait, the more frustration you get. I wonder why I don't just ask out the girls I'm interested in. I wonder why I don't take a chance. Then I realize who wants to experience everything all over again? Especially when it does not work out. That's all I ever dreamed of was being with a person that liked me back. That's my dream. I always thought once you met that person, you move on together, but as time goes by, I feel like I'm wasting my opportune time. This time is my time. I don't have any other time. one of those girls above always comes to my mind. I know she has a list, but I don't care about her list because I like her. I feel like I should take and chance and ask her out, but she scares me at times. Why do I let me fear decide my fate because it's just a date. Why do we get angry? dating is just dating, but like I said before most of us are Disney fans and we always think everything is going to be happily ever after. Life is not like that. People die, people cheat, and people do other things that are not so great, but there is still good in this world and that's worth fighting for. Making people realize there is still good is what life is all about. It's not about us and when we figure that out, maybe things change and maybe they don't, but you have to keep going because good always wins in the end. Nothing lasts forever. Everything is temporary so maybe I should take a look and realize that we are blessed to be blessed with blessings upon bless.

I can't be everything you want me to be. Maybe I can see the light through the trees, but nothing changes. Everything is the same. The only thing I feel is frustration and anger. Anger because nobody gives me a chance. I maybe be tall and possibly handsome according to some, but for some reason people still don't want to be with me. I don't understand it. Especially girls. There is this girl I took out on a date a few weeks ago and according to sources she wants me to ask her out again. Yet, on the date she did not even seem that excited to be with me. The date was frustrating as H. If I did not talk she would not say something. Does not makes sense even if you're shy. If you like me, then just say it because I like you too, but who cares nothing will happen even though I wish something could happen. I like her, she is beautiful, but the same thoughts get in my way. The thoughts of failure because what if you get in a real relationship and your realize you can't be her man. Not that I try to be a scrub, but the past years I fail. I effing fail. I went to college and got a degree, but after that I plateaued. I went backwards not forward. Some people say I might have anxiety, but after years of being told this I still don't get it. I  do not want to even admit that I have anxiety. It's shameful because people think you're a loser, but they don't even know how hard it is. I don't even want to use that as an excuse because I feel like some people do and I never wanted to be that way. I never wanted to be labeled as those people because I never saw myself like that. I see myself as legendary in my mind, but I have not had my chance to shine. Some days I don't know if I ever will. As time passes by, you start to realize things sometimes don't go your way. The worse is when you see people from your past with their lives (We all know Social Media is exaggerated) . It's salt to the wounds especially when you want what they have. What do I want? I want to feel. I want to be with somebody who wants to be with me. People can say they don't ever want to be in a relationship, but deep down everyone does. I want to know what it's like to care for someone that I want to be with. Yet, I don't. I have opportunities, but I take too much time and never make a move. Girls can't wait forever especially when it comes to dating. Maybe it's not my time. I don't want to keep waiting. I want to know. I want to feel and that was all I every wanted, but for some reason I can't. I have to see the girls I once liked go for other people and that's the worse of all. Maybe it 's because I 'm not getting a PHD (player hating degree). Or maybe it's the fact that I can't move forward. I work at the same place my whole adult life. Girls don't want that. They want a man. A guy who does not look back. Can't they take a chance on someone? Someone who knows they can do anything, but they just have to overcome their anxieties. I would give people a chance, but then I realize I never ask girls out again and so I do not practice what I preach. It's different. I would never give up on a girl I'm attracted to even if she has not accomplished everything in life yet. Who cares? Life is life and things don't go your way. so who knows what I'll do. Nothing gets better. Just meaningless days. I try my best. As I type I realize life can suck and I'm not here to wallow in my shiz( ha ha). You have to come up with a solution to your problems. You can't expect things to change when you don't change. You can't expect to date when you don't asks girls out.. You have  to DO or DO NOT because there is no try. Yet, I know I  can change. I can inspire people. I can do anything I believe in because everything I have is already inside.

bent and broken

Some days are just days. They hurt like hell. You have no desire to do a thing. People laugh at you for the way you are. They think the things that bother you are stupid and that anyone who has those things are insane. Well I do. I'm sorry you could not see it that way. Sorry when I apologize to you, you walk away and say whatever. Well see you later then. That is how I really feel. You wonder why I don't change and I tell you a reason and you just think it's because I don't want to go. No, it's not that. I have been scared of going places my whole life. It's ruined me. They say you can change, but it so  hard to change when you have things like anxiety. Anxiety is shameful  because if you told people that you are scared of bathrooms and sitting in a theater, going to Jury Duty, or going thirty minutes away from you house is not real. Well it is. They told me I can change with my thoughts, yet I don't. I'm sorry that I fail you. Who? My family. They are ashamed of me. They don't help me, just make me more stressed out. If you don't like what I do, then tell me to leave you alone. Who who the hell cares what happens to me. Your family only has to put up with your garb because they feel guilty for bringing you in this world. Where everybody is frustrating at times and only thinks about them. It's true. I've tried to be outgoing.  I even tried to help people, but they don't care. All they care about is them. When something happens they don't care. They forget get about you. Maybe that is why I carry so much hate inside. The only thing I feel is anger and negative feelings. Never good enough because my family tells me I had it easy. Especially my mother. She tells how great she was back in her day and that my brother and I don't know what it's like. Then the heck with you. No wonder I can never have a real conversation because all you do is tell me what you did and what I do wrong. I am never good enough. I was never good enough. I went to college and got a degree and when backwards to the shiz of life. So I fail. I fail my family because I don't do a thing even  though I worked hard. I worked it for all the wrong things. It's sad to move backwards. It's sad when people younger than you  are in charge of you when you know deep down inside that you could do a better job. Who cares, right? I sit and type and that's all I do. I wonder why I'm the way I am. Maybe my family did teach me to worry and never enjoy life. Maybe they taught me to worry and be cheap with money and never have fun. They tell me back in the day I was normal, but back then I was a kid and when you're a kid you don't do a thing.  There is nothing to worry about. Now when you grow up, you're suppose to have a plan. In Church they tell you if you do God's will he will bless you. When you do the right thing, you still have to  have more problems. So who would want to be religious if you're going to die tomorrow and always have problems? I have done the right things, but the only thing I get is anxiety/ depression. I see the girls date tools. I see the girls I like leave me for them. Maybe it's the other way around because I'm the tool. I let the anxiety get in my way. I let it ruin me. I had hope, but everyday it goes away. I know eventually I'll probably be stuck out in the cold because I could not make a decision. I let the anxiety ruin me. When that happens I should realize I had my chances and I did not do a thing. It was so hard to change. It's hard when you have anxiety. I never wanted to use things like this as an excuse, but it in the end I lost and the only thing I have is my mediocre life. I was suppose to see the world. I was suppose to fall in love  with a girl and one day have kids and do the right thing, but they were just dreams and not all dreams come true. they say endure to the end and that God will help you. If you're there, why can't you come talk to me in my hour of need? Every time I'm alone again, naturally. Nobody cares because we all have problems and that's pretty much about it. So if I'm out in the cold it's my own  fault.

Yet I run in the cold and I know this SHIzzle won't last forever. I have a pulse I have a brain. I even have a heart and once you realize everything is inside maybe that is when you can change. Maybe I won't. I guess in the end it all comes down to you. So if God really wants me to be something, then he will help me change because if not, then what are we here for? To do what we want? I don't know, maybe that is the question of why we are here. I don't want to be here to just help others. I want to help me. I want to live. I don't want to live an untold story anymore because I was meant to live for so much more and I don't want to go back and say could have been me...

walking on the sand

The past few days I had the privilege to see people from my past. I don't want to see them especially when they never believed in me. Some were friends I grew up with and some were people I met the past few years and one was a girl I pined for in 2014. I wonder why I had to run into them. Is it fate. Or is it some other power to let them know that I'm a scrub and they should be happy they did not pick me. The other day I saw the girl I pined for in 2015. She is dang beautiful yet no one ever goes for her. I don't get it, but I realized I could not ever go for her either because in the end they find out who you really are and why you are the way you are. They say you can change, but it's so effing hard. I'm not an addict or some troublesome person that causes trouble. I'm just a person who is afraid of moving forward. I thought I would and I realize I have not. It's like running in real life. I keep running, but I end up in the same place. I'm sure my family hates me for failing. Hates me for never changing. I wished they realized I tried, but maybe not hard enough. The other day a leader of mine told me I could do better and I know I can, but it's hard when you get nervous over pointless things. I envy those people who had it easy with that. My whole life it's been frustrating. I thought always doing the right thing would get you places. I thought working hard in internships and in school would get you somewhere. I thought hard work beat out talent any day. Maybe I'm wrong or I did not try hard enough, but I did back in those days when the sun was always out and you never get cold and you realize you're going to be forever young. Yet, the day I went to the hospital (not for me) I realized we all have to die. We're never going to be forever young (when we die we will be young) in this life. So you have to make decisions that determine your future. Yet, I could not I have not and I don't know if I ever will. I want to so bad, but fear gets in the way. Some people tell me you can change, by changing your thoughts or taking medication, but in the end you're always  going to have to decide what to do. So if bad things happen, I should realize it's my fault. I thought the man upstairs helped you when you're down and you did his will. Maybe he is and maybe the man upstairs is trying to test you to see if you will choose the light over darkness. It's hard to be positive when you never know what the future holds. Some days I wish I could be forever young. I feel young, but I know every day you get closer to the end and you have to decide what to do with the time you have been given.  Yet, the time I have been given I wasted. I did some good things, but I did not do the things to help me move forward. I do keep running, but I keep coming back to where I started from. This place is sick of me. It's time to shake off the rust and make a move, but the fear (anxiety) gets in the way and so I fail kind of like Lebron James in the past two NBA finals. Dang. I wish people knew that I cared, but they don't care that I cared. Yes, I maybe be losing in my mind, but I know I can change and I think of all the people that never believed in me and I say thank you because I know one day I'll be who I'm suppose to be. Or maybe I'm already am I just need to take one more giant leap and one more small step..