What up

I always wonder why people here in Utah get so excited about the BYU/Utah rivalry game. I think it is stupid. I don't get anything for winning and it is just a game. I used to go to the Utah football games as a member of the Muss and I think those fans are annoying. What people say and what they do annoys me, so I rather watch a game at my house. I am pretty sure some BYU fans are annoying too. I think these people need to get a life and find better things to do. I know it's fun, but some people take this rivalry too serious. People say to me that I should repent because I go to the U of U. I know they are joking, but those jokes get old after awhile. The University of Utah is a great school, but I am not a hardcore fan. I don't really care who wins because it does not improve my life.

That is what I was thinking about yesterday and today. We focus our attention on stupid things like sports and other things that waste time. I was thinking about that last night when I was at an LDS temple. I have realized sometimes we focus on things that are not of great importance. I like sports, however watching games have done nothing for me, but pass time. There is more to life than sports. I will still do things like run and workout because that is important to me and it is a good habit to have. Anyways, I was thinking about this stuff and I realized if I spent time on the important things, maybe life could be different. I don't think we should beat ourselves up for not doing the most important things, but we should realize that some things are better to do than other things.

I don't care about the BYU/Utah game;for me it just passes time. I rather do other things such as run, workout, or even date. I think it is lame that some guys choose watching a game over their girlfriends. I know that sounds cheesy, but I would be with my girl over sports any day. I have no girl, but if I did, I rather be with her. Once I do find that girl, I hope that we can spend lots of time together, because that is what life is about. Finding someone you love and moving forward in life with that person. That is more important than a game. These are the things I should be focusing on. I could also be studying, but sometimes pointless things like games, facebook, and random things get in the way. We can't focus on the negatives of what we could have done, however we should look on the positives on what we have done and move forward. That is what I have observed the past few days. I have observed that we can't dwell on the past because it has happened already.We just need to focus on the future and never look back.

Never good enough

Whatever you do, it is never good enough. There is always somebody better and no matter how hard you try it is never good enough. This is how I think and you may see me and think I am a great, but you don't know me. No one knows me, I don't think anyone gives a crap what happens to me. I really believe that because I have no friends and no one in the church believes in me or is there for me. I'm there for people, but that does not mean crap. I hate everything, there is nothing to look forward to, just darkness and despair. You wished someone would notice you, but they don't because people are fake. I'm fake, but I do notice people and what they do. I watch people because I am shy and that is what you do to pass time when you don't socialize. I know so much about people they would be shocked. I know what kind of cars people drive and I know other things about people, like if they are single or not. I watch people and I can tell when they are sad and I feel bad because I know what it is like. I observe lots of things. I observe the girls I used to talk to and like. I see them and I wonder if they remember me, but they probably don't because they don't care. I want to talk, but my thoughts of never being good enough gets in the way. I do think like that and it's no joke. It has ruined me and I have regressed. Why would someone think like that? When you don't do anything , have no friends, and do the same thing over and over, that is when you start to believe in things like that. I wish I could come out of my shell and enjoy life, but those thoughts destroy me and I know that it won't get better. I have been hoping for years and it has not ever gotten better. I do stupid things to get noticed, like make videos or say smart A$$ comments. I just want attention and want to progress and that is why you do those things. So people won't forget about you, but they have. My friends have and I hate them. I want them to feel what I feel, pain, emptiness, and the thoughts that everyone is better than you.
It is not fun . I am an observer because I am shy and I hope one day I'll stop, but it never seems to be getting better. Nothing seems better, I would have to say life sucks. It is empty there is nothing to look forward to, just being alone and that is awful. I hide it, so people can't tell, but deep down inside all the passion I once had, has now gone away. Now it's about doing the same rut over and over and which is not fun. I just get injured worse and more depressed. I get injured from running and that sucks because I can't recover, but I can't quit. I am sick, but I can't stop. You see, running is the only thing I have and without it I don't know what I do. It becomes your life and that is sad because there is so much more to life then running everyday and trying to be perfect. I wish I could come back, but it has been years and I have not improved. I do the right things in life, but that makes life suck as well. I guess the church was never there for me and I feel like they never will. They say they care about you, but they don't, no one does and that is how I really think. I do what I am supposed to and it never gets better. It hurts and you want to tell people how bad you hurt, but you can't. You have to be fake. Doing the right things have made a bigger loner and that is so sad. You can't progress and that is sad, you wish someone was there to pick you up, but there is no one. So you have to pull yourself up and when you do, it is still not better. I never done crap and I am in my twenties. I am talking abut progressing. School and work don't count. It is all meaningless when you do nothing like date, socialize, and move forward. That is my dream to know what it's like to date and move forward and I don't care what anyone else says because that is all life is about. It is about finding someone that gives you passion and making you complete. It is about helping others and feeling like you belong in society. I don't feel any of this and yet I do help others, but don't date. I want to date, but the thoughts get in the way and so I stay in a shell and a rut. I hope one day it will get better, but I have been hoping for years and I see no end in sight.

The real me

I have a deep passion for running. It’s the only thing I look forward to doing everyday. I see many things when I run, but that is not what I am really thinking about. I don’t notice the beautiful things people see when they run. I am not paying attention to those things.
My mind is on other things such as my own problems or songs that can’t get out of my head. One song that always plays in my head is the song by One Republic which is “Stop and Stare”. I relate that song to my life and when I run because I may be moving, but in reality I have gone nowhere.

I am still in Utah and in college and I think to myself when I run that there is so much more to life than just doing the same thing over and over again. So I have that song playing in my head sometimes because I feel like in a sense I have gone nowhere and that I should be somewhere better than I am today.

I think we all think that about ourselves sometimes. We wondered what could have been if we did something else or made a small decision. These are the thoughts that go through my mind when I run.

I also feel isolated and alone when I run. There could be other people out there on the streets, but I still feel alone because I am by myself. I also think about my own life that I am alone. I have no one really to talk to. I have family, but they don’t understand what I am feeling. I am the point in life where you like your family, but you don’t really want to be around them. You want to be with other people such as a relationship with a girl. So I do feel alone sometimes because I have no girl right now and I always wondered what it is like because I see couples my age and they always seem so happy.

I also have the feelings of being alone when I run because I run late at night or early in the morning. I don’t see anyone except for the darkness that surrounds me. It is scary at first, but after awhile it makes me feel more powerful because I am more dedicated to running than most people. Sometimes it is good to be alone because you feel like you are the only person in the world and everything is quiet and peaceful.

I may have thoughts of loneliness and isolation, but I do have good thoughts which are the thoughts that make me motivated to run. Sometimes I may wonder if it is worth it. When I beat someone in a race or running on the streets it gives me that joy that I am good. People may say that is wrong, but deep down inside everybody likes competition.

I am a competitor and that is what I am usually thinking most of the time when I run. I think I am faster than most people and if there is a car that is close to me, I dare them to come hit me in my mind because I have that sense of invincibility when I run. I think it is good to have because we all need to be passionate about something in life. That is what I love doing and I want to be the best and sometimes I have setbacks like injuries, but that is part of running. I won’t quit because my goal is to win a race and I am willing to put my body through pain because I want to win.

Sometimes I do not win and I get injured worse and sometimes I compare that to life. We might have setbacks, but we should not give up because if we do quit, we go nowhere and I know we always have to keep moving forward. I know that if we always keep moving forward, just like in running, we will get to where we want to be in life.

Thank You

I just want to thank all those people who dis my shot in basketball and how I run . I am saying thank you because you give me motivation to show you up and prove you wrong. I know that may sound bad, but my whole life I never felt good enough so I have a chip on my shoulder and I do have something to prove. I want to show these people up and embarrass them because it makes me mad. My whole life no one has ever believed in me, so that is why I think they way I think.

Thank you to all the companies I was not good enough to get hired for. One day I'll become something and show them up . I've gotten rejected and it hurts and it makes me want to work harder. I believe that I am just as good as anyone else. . These events have made me who I am today. So every company that does not believe in me, I'll remember and use it for motivation. I know people think that is negative, but my whole life I felt like I have been ignored. I also want to thank the companies that I've worked for that never believe in me too. It just adds more fuel to the fire to show them up. Who I am showing up? No one, but in my mind I still feel like I have something to prove.

Thank you to all those girls who ignored me and pretended to be my friend. First to all the girls that I had crushes on, thank you. Thank you because I see some of these girls I actually liked go for other guys. All I have to say they are losers and it's your loss. It hurts, but getting ignored makes me want to work harder and harder so I can be something. Being ignored does give me motivation and it makes me want to show them up and say that I will be something and I hope they just settle. I am no loser, but when you done nothing your whole life these are the thoughts that destroy you. So I want to become better than those guys that these girls I liked go for. Why? because my whole life I have just been the tag along and never got to experience anything like being in a real relationship. I never went to any dances and I never had any girls that I knew liked me. So I find it hard to believe when people tell me that I am a handsome young man and that girls would like to get to know me better. I may be good looking, but when you have done nothing socially for the past 5 years, it is hard to overcome the thoughts of being never good enough.

I would also like to thank those people in my church who never believed in me. This also adds fuel to the fire. I love those people who treat me different because I did not go on a mission. It did hurt, but it gives me motivation now. I want to show to all those people that not going does not mean a thing. It does not mean you are saved. These feelings do make me feel never good enough as well and so I have something to prove.

So now you know what I really think. My whole life I was never the kid everyone wanted. I was just the person that people never believed in. These things did ruin me, but now they give me motivation because I am good and no one is better than anyone else. I'm not better than anyone. I just got to do what is best for me and move forward. Sometimes these things create setbacks and they can be deadly. That is why I run, workout, and work hard because I want to prove those people wrong who said things about me. It hurts and when you don't have anyone to fall onto when you are down, it creates anger. I am angry and hurt and I don't know if I'll ever become that person who can forget. I dwell on the past and that is not good because dwelling on the past destroys me.