Never good enough

Whatever you do, it is never good enough. There is always somebody better and no matter how hard you try it is never good enough. This is how I think and you may see me and think I am a great, but you don't know me. No one knows me, I don't think anyone gives a crap what happens to me. I really believe that because I have no friends and no one in the church believes in me or is there for me. I'm there for people, but that does not mean crap. I hate everything, there is nothing to look forward to, just darkness and despair. You wished someone would notice you, but they don't because people are fake. I'm fake, but I do notice people and what they do. I watch people because I am shy and that is what you do to pass time when you don't socialize. I know so much about people they would be shocked. I know what kind of cars people drive and I know other things about people, like if they are single or not. I watch people and I can tell when they are sad and I feel bad because I know what it is like. I observe lots of things. I observe the girls I used to talk to and like. I see them and I wonder if they remember me, but they probably don't because they don't care. I want to talk, but my thoughts of never being good enough gets in the way. I do think like that and it's no joke. It has ruined me and I have regressed. Why would someone think like that? When you don't do anything , have no friends, and do the same thing over and over, that is when you start to believe in things like that. I wish I could come out of my shell and enjoy life, but those thoughts destroy me and I know that it won't get better. I have been hoping for years and it has not ever gotten better. I do stupid things to get noticed, like make videos or say smart A$$ comments. I just want attention and want to progress and that is why you do those things. So people won't forget about you, but they have. My friends have and I hate them. I want them to feel what I feel, pain, emptiness, and the thoughts that everyone is better than you.
It is not fun . I am an observer because I am shy and I hope one day I'll stop, but it never seems to be getting better. Nothing seems better, I would have to say life sucks. It is empty there is nothing to look forward to, just being alone and that is awful. I hide it, so people can't tell, but deep down inside all the passion I once had, has now gone away. Now it's about doing the same rut over and over and which is not fun. I just get injured worse and more depressed. I get injured from running and that sucks because I can't recover, but I can't quit. I am sick, but I can't stop. You see, running is the only thing I have and without it I don't know what I do. It becomes your life and that is sad because there is so much more to life then running everyday and trying to be perfect. I wish I could come back, but it has been years and I have not improved. I do the right things in life, but that makes life suck as well. I guess the church was never there for me and I feel like they never will. They say they care about you, but they don't, no one does and that is how I really think. I do what I am supposed to and it never gets better. It hurts and you want to tell people how bad you hurt, but you can't. You have to be fake. Doing the right things have made a bigger loner and that is so sad. You can't progress and that is sad, you wish someone was there to pick you up, but there is no one. So you have to pull yourself up and when you do, it is still not better. I never done crap and I am in my twenties. I am talking abut progressing. School and work don't count. It is all meaningless when you do nothing like date, socialize, and move forward. That is my dream to know what it's like to date and move forward and I don't care what anyone else says because that is all life is about. It is about finding someone that gives you passion and making you complete. It is about helping others and feeling like you belong in society. I don't feel any of this and yet I do help others, but don't date. I want to date, but the thoughts get in the way and so I stay in a shell and a rut. I hope one day it will get better, but I have been hoping for years and I see no end in sight.