Real

Everything I say and do is fake. It's all for attention. It's true because when you are a quiet person you need and crave attention. That is why I do the things I do. I wear all black when I run because I want people to notice me. I wear sunglasses that are tinted so you can't see my eyes. I do it all for attention. But, what do I get for it? nothing. I am antisocial and it's my fault if I really wanted to talk, wouldn't I have the guts to go talk to people and go invite myself to do things with other people? I don't and that is the reason why I failed because I don't socialize and it's my fault. It's hard to talk to people when you feel like you don't belong to any group of people. I don't feel ever good enough and that is why I am quiet. I know I am better than people at things, but I don't feel good enough and that is why I am the way I am. I don't feel good enough to date and I always feel that people judge me. This is not the way to live and don't ever think like me because it ruins you and your soul. It makes you feel worthless and whatever you do it is never good enough. I lived with this thought process forever and I don't know if I'll ever recover. I see people date and have fun, while I am sitting there feeling weird and like I don't belong. I am a good looking person, but that does not mean crap because I always feel like I don't belong. The reason I don't feel like I don't belong is because in the LDS world I did not do certain things and sometimes it makes me want to show everyone that I have something to prove. I go to church activities, but I still feel out of place. I do have a chip on my shoulder and I have to show everybody up and that is why I don't socialize as much. I know that is not right, but I still can't come overcome this thinking and I can't let my guard down. I don't think I'll ever change, I have hope, but it always seems to fall apart. But it's my fault for being antisocial. I hear about all my friends talking about all these girls they dated and that is sad because I can count all the dates on one hand. It feels like I am the same and that hurts because you wished you could experience some sort of progression. I write about the same stuff and this is the same stuff that bothers me. I guess it will never get better, but who cares because it's my fault. I hate socializing, I used to like it, but now I just can't even do anything. You get used to being antisocial after awhile. You have hope that one day you'll do something, but then those thoughts go from weeks, months and then to years.