Lost my smile

I lost my smile and I am sad because I just am. I don't know if I'll ever be happy because I always think about what I don't have. I feel bad that I think like that because I want more. I got a better car than my last one, but I still don't know if I like it. I feel bad because I wasted money on it. Oh well it's just a car and who cares, but I do and I can't stop thinking about. They say people like you for who you are. I don't believe that, I believe that people like things that you have as well. So I regret buying a car, even though I needed a new one. I liked my old car, It was a piece of crap, but I had it since I was seventeen years old. It is hard to adjust and I don't know if I ever will. I miss it now even though I was ashamed of driving it. I hate cars anyways because they are just stupid. However, I need one to get around, but one day I hope I can live without using a car. I hope to live someday close to my work. I think that would be cool because I enjoy a nice walk and I don't think a car is that important. I will have one, but it is cool to think about a world with no cares. Just sitting back and enjoying life, but here in the USA that will never happen. I respect those countries that are different than us because they may have nothing, but they seem happy. So I guess posessions don't make anyone happy. They can, but they won't last forever. I know that is true because buying things only make me happy for a certain amount of time. I don't buy anything anymore so I don't even know what it's like to waste money on toys. I have to pay for funner things like tuition. It's frustrating because sometimes college does not seem worth it. From my point of view, why do I go? I don't really know, but I know I am supposed to and that is why I do it. That has been my whole life story. I have done everything because I am supposed to and that is stupid. It makes life less fun and I don't even know if I will get back to those days when I was happy. The only thing I look forward to these days is doing my church calling. I get to prepare the sacrament in my ward. It may be small, but if feels great because I am actually doing something worthwhile. I also hate the weekends. They use to be fun, but I just go running and working out because I don't have anywhere to go. I want to date, but fear gets in the way and so I do nothing.

I fear dating, because what if it actually works out and then I grow up. I have realized I am scared of change and that is so sad. I should be happy for change, but I can't handle it because it's hard for me. I hate change and I don't know if I'll ever like it. I always think of the worse that could happen when dealing with change and that is why I do the same rut over and over. So I hope that one day I'll overcome, but who knows if that will ever happen. I hope to one day know what it's like grow up and know what it's like to have a family. But that seems forever and I don't know if it will ever happen. I am done and hope to one day, be back to where I once was.