Red Bull Gives You Wings

"Wish we could turn back time the good old days. When we played basketball, but now we are all adult and lame" I used to play pretend  ( I still do) and people tell me to wake up and I need to make money. I'm still scared of dentist and the dark. I'm scared of pretty  girls and starting conversations"

Guys and girls can't be friends. You could  be friends with girls, but not the girls you have feelings for. The ones you want to date and see if there is something there. Like Marriage.  Eventually you have to move on. Being in the friend zone with people you have feelings for is okay at first, but eventually you have to tell them what you really think. How you feel and what you want because you can't live life with regrets. You can't say you gave it your all, when you never even tried. I wonder if I'll ever meet a person that I want to be with. I might have, but some of those people are in relationships that they probably don't even want. Yet, for some reason they feel like they have to make it work when they probably know it's not right. I once prolonged a relationship with a girl I dated. I once told her that I wanted to go slow while dating her, but deep down inside I knew she was not the one for me. She was just not my type. I thought of all the girls I was missing out on, while trying to be loyal to her. Being loyal to her was a waste of my time. However,  all I want and need is Loyalty, Loyalty, Loyalty! Yet, the girls I meet are frustrating. You think I'm going to be myself when I don't know you at first? Love it when girls blow you off because they don't think you're great. I enjoy that. I enjoy the rejection because it gives me motivation to prove everyone wrong. That's what keeps me going. That is what makes me go run outside and to work hard in meaningless things.

Who the HE Double Hockey Sticks cares if I prove people wrong and they realize that I was  great.  In the end I'm not here to prove people wrong. Maybe in my mind everyone is my competition, but I bet you most of the time those people don't even think about me. They probably don't give one second of their life to think about me. Then why should I think about them? It's because "I'm insecure and care what people think"...

The Sand of September

"I used to feel so devastated. At times I thought we'd never make it, but now we on our way to greatness and all that ever took was patience"...

Yet, nothing clicks. I'm on my way to mediocrity. I can run fast, but what does that accomplish and for every great run, there is always a failure day. That's been my life. I thought I was on the way to greatness, but I go backwards and the only thing I get is myself. 

I go out on dates and I know girls think  I'm attractive, but once they find out who I really am, I realize they  don't want me. They pass me  up. Maybe it's in my head, but it's true. I was with a girl the other day. Our conversation was good, but at the end I knew it was not going to ever happen. Just went my separate way because I don't want to know if she was interested in me. What's the point? Girls say they like you for who you are and not what you do. When they find out that you're not at that level...They say goodbye without ever saying hello. I don't get it.  As people we want to be loved and we want to know what it's like to be the one...For me that will not happen. Heard my brother on the phone tell my Mom that I won't get married anytime soon. Who cares? Who really wants to be married. From my observations it just seems like more nagging and you have to pretend you're happy with being a family man when all you see is the crazy people live the dream by doing whatever they want and attending to their selfish needs.

I wanted to be with someone, but don't think I ever will. I don't meet the bar. People say I'm hard on myself, but if true then why can't girls I actually want to date give me a chance? I thought I met a person a few months ago that I  could be with. After time I could not stand her. I did not care if she was sick and I did not care that I did not put my arm around her when she cried over stuff that is not that important. Maybe I'm a horrible person, but she was not my girlfriend. Just a girl I kissed..Yet, she still wanted to do things with me even though she thought dating me would go nowhere. Why would anyone want that? seriously? So I did what I do best and ignored her cold turkey because what's the point of being friends with a girl that you don't plan on marrying? or marrying her friends? So I moved on. All the people I meet are the same.. They say none of that stuff matters, but if you're going nowhere in life, then they don't want you. It all comes back to that one girl I once pined for because she was right. I'm sure she's happy to see I failed and so do her friends. Her friends live with my cousin  (awkward) and say I am fun. If true, then why are we not friends and do things? People say things they never mean and at time it hurts, but eventually you move on or become bitter.

Sometimes I've become bitter, I let the past take a toll on me. Not that I've had a horrible past. I just felt like I let anxiety ruin me. It's ruined my life and people tell me to take medication, but I can't. Not at this time. They tell me I'll never change if I don't take medication. Who wants to hear that..It's like you're some kind of freak that can't do anything by himself. I know me and I know I can accomplish anything I believe in. I know sometimes it's harder when things like anxiety get in the way, but the only person who can change is me.

Some days I think I can, but most days we let ourselves defeat us. I don't quit. I keep running and run in real life too. I know one day I'll move on and I know that once I do I can realize that it really was not so bad. Not so bad.