Life is never easy and sometimes we make it more difficult then it really is. We let fear get in the way and we also never believe in ourselves. I have come to the conclusion that life is not really that hard and that you can be anything or become anything, as long as you believe in yourself. For me this is the hardest thing I ever have to do because I often sell myself short and say I am never good enough. When I fail my expectations I think everyone is mad at me and that it is not okay to screw up. That is what I have lived with over the years and it is no way to live a life. Trying to be perfect is not the way to be and focusing on your problems is not the way to be. People may read this and think I don't really think like this, but I do. It has ruined me, I have not lived life to the fullest. I have lived my life worrying about all the things that could happen. I think about things so much that I get sick at times. I wonder why I do that, but I realized if you fail, you can't be scared because it is okay to mess up. That is why I have lived in a shell because of fear and the thought of failing. I really do wish I could see what people see in me because at times the only thing I see is a person that tried to do things for other people, while never going for my dream. That is one thing I always think about when I am at school or at work. I sit there and think and wonder if it is all worth it. Or should I just drop everything and go for the dream. People say it is dumb, but why be miserable if life is so short. It may be smart to get degrees and work jobs that pay well. However, they will never make you happy, if they are not your dreams. I dream and I realized that being here in Utah is not my dream. I am not all about money and becoming rich. I am about doing what I love and using my talents to make people happy. I have realized that nothing I have done in school and work has really inspired people. That is okay because I don't have to be something to change people's lives. I just have to treat them that I care and show them how I truly feel. It is amazing how people are there for you when you need them most. It makes you realize that life is not so bad and that you can't be afraid. When you do make it, you need to inspire others as well because that is the purpose of life. I realized that even one person can change your life. Most of the time that is when you meet the girl of your dreams. I have not found my future wife or anything, but I have met girls that I truly cared for and they made me a better person than I am today. I realized that every girl is special no matter what they do and what they look like. Even if it does not work out, it's okay because that is the purpose when it comes to dating. You sometimes wonder if it is fate when you meet certain girls. You wonder if God is trying to help you out or if it is just random. That happened to me the other day. I met this girl I worked with and wondered if I would ever see her again. The crazy thing is I did, she happens to go to the same church I go to. I don't know if that is fate or just a random thing , but I realized if it is nothing that's okay because she is a great person. You can't worry if it does not work out or anything. You can't worry when or if you will get married. You can't worry about what you will do for a job. All I know you have to do is worry about what you can do for others. When life gets dark and dreary, the best thing is to forget about you and help others. It does not matter if I become rich or ever get married. To me, all that matters is who I helped make a better person. That is what I really want to do in life and I don't care if I never make it because if I could change or save a person's life, then it won't matter what I have become. So when I move forward all I need to do is focus on others because it does not matter about anything else. It is good to have money and to be successful, but if you never do anything to change the world with your talents, then life is a waste.

I heard a talk from a person about becoming a man. It was really great, but they said that a man is someone who puts the fun things away and starts dating and does important things in this life. In LDS land if you don't do things the right way you are considered a failure to some people. They went on to say that we should be focusing on dating and if we do we will meet that person we were supposed to meet. They basically just said that we should put the childish things behind and focus on becoming a man. I sat there and realized that everyone is at their own level in this life. They can peak at their own time. That is one thing that has always bothered me because people expect you to be like everybody else. If you are not trying to find a wife or do the right things, then you are considered a failure. I realized that nobody is a failure and that they will decide in their own time of when they want to grow up and become a man. If if they are not going to school or trying to progress, they are not failures. They have potential and they can become anything they want to be. That is why we can never give up on anybody because they can become great. You can't focus on what a person does not do, you need to focus on the things they do great. Why I get so passionate about this is simple, because people have doubted me in my own life. I have realized you can't worry what other people think because if you do you will become insane. All you have to do is what you can do and hope that God will carry you the rest of the way. I know that life is hard at times and sometimes it seems like it never will improve. It does and I realized no matter where we are at in this life, we can always make it. The most important thing I have ever learned in this life is to just keep moving forward. It has been hard, but in the end you realize it was worth it. I also want to say never stop believing in a person because anybody can change. We just have to help them and encourage them. It may take time, but it can happen.

I write the exact same things in this blog and the reason why is because in my mind I have gone nowhere. I have worked hard, but the only thing I have got was a rut that can't seem to go away, but that's okay because life is never supposed to be easy and if is is, then you are really not trying. I have learned that if you never believe you can, then you probably never will. The only person stopping yourself is you. We can have and be whatever we want and the best way to do that is to decide and say to yourself that you are going to be what you want. I also learned to never settle for anything because most of the time you are better than you think you are. It takes people to show you that and we also need to be there for people and show them what we think. You will be surprised how a small thing can make a person happy. It can even make them change. Yet I write all this and still think I am not great because in my mind I want to be the best and I have this imagination that I think when I get to where I want to be, that I'll be fine. I have realized you will never get to where you want to be and that when you do get there, it still does not mean you will be happy. Happiness does not come from possessions, it comes from helping people and keeping relationships. No riches could ever make a person happy and it can for a while, but then the happiness goes away. I have learned that to be happy it has to start with you. You can't be mad at what you have done in the past and sometimes you have to forgive yourself, even though that is the hardest thing to do. We all mess up and if we realize that it's okay, then we can move forward. I don't truly know what real happiness feels like. I know I have felt my best when I have actually helped someone for the right reasons and telling people what I truly think of them. I have often observed that is what people worry about and they need to know what we see in them because it helps them improve in their lives. We need to be there for others even though we may not really like them. The other day I saw this person cry because they thought they were lost and it actually got to me because for a moment they thought they were alone. Yet people like us stood there and did nothing to comfort them and I realized that we should have. I also realized that we are never truly alone because there is someone that is there when think we are alone and that is God. He may not give you want you want, but I have learned that God can comfort you in your times of need. He can put people in your paths that can help you improve. If you think not, you just have to look a little harder and then you will realize that God was there the whole time. We are never alone and if we think we are, we just need to go find others and help them be comforted. I don't know why I am writing this and showing to the world how I really think, but I have realized if you never speak from your heart, then nobody will know who you really are. The jokes aside I have realized that we all are good and have potential and sometimes it may take a little longer to get to where we want to be, but if we never quit, we will get there.

running

I went for a long run last night and had many thoughts that raced through my mind. Everytime I run I am always thinking. The first thing I realized is that nobody really cares and that there is no such thing as a true friend. You may wonder why I would have thoughts like this, but when I run I think of my life and what I have done. I realized I don't have friends and it is my fault, but there comes a time in you life when you need friends. I have friends, but they are not close to where I live and they moved on to other places, so they could improve their lives. That is one reason I run because I want attention and I feel that nobody notices me. If they do, they are afraid to say something. I am too, but I am more of the quiet type and don't like to invite myself to activites I was not invited to. I don't feel like I belong to anything, I'm more like an outsider who has wasted his life trying to please other people. That is another thing that goes through my mind when I run. I think about what I have done in life and realized my whole life I have done things just so I could get approval. I have also done the right things thinking it would change my life. It hasn't, I am still the same and think the same. I feel that everybody has something against me and that they don't really want to be my friend. That is why I isolate myself because I feel like I don't belong. You may think that is sad, but it is true and I choose the way I want to react. It is hard to change and that is what I realize when I run. It is hard to move forward when there is nobody or nothing there for you. You think it will change, but it never does and you go back to your old habits and ways because you think you are never good enough. People might read this and think it is sad, but don't feel bad for me because you don't, if you cared you would have tried to help me, but I realized most people don't care. They just tell you to move on and they are not there for you when you need them the most.

That is the same for me as well. I am never there for people even though I am more aware of the person's problems and frustrations. I observe and I have realized that most people are scared to share their real feelings or how they feel about certain things. They try to keep in, but I have realized keeping all of your problems to yourself gets you nowhere. I have realized even the small things can change a person's life. I realized that the other day when I was driving with some girls in a car to a ward activity. They where talking about life and one girl was talking about how she does not think she will get married anytime soon. She even said her younger sister might get married before her. I had a sense that this bothered her because she was talking about it. I have realized when people talk about certain things, that is what the really want. The quiet me just sat there and said nothing.

I have realized I should have told her don't worry and told her that she will get married in her own time. She is a very cute girl and has accomplished a lot in her life and I think I should have said that, but I didn't because I don't want to come across creepy. I should have because when people never hear the real things you see in them, then they will never change or believe that they can become better. I believe that this girl in my ward should realize that she is greater than she think she is and that she should not settle because she has potential. I am not saying I know exactly what this girl thinks of herself, but I have realized we need to be there for people and say what we see in them.

That is what I realized at the end of my run is that we need to be there for people and there will be times when we are alone. Or we may feel that we are alone, but we just need to keep moving, even if it hurts. It may take years to become who we are, but in the mean time we need to focus on others. When we get down we should not think about what we don't have or do. We should realize what we can do and who we can help because anybody can help anybody. I really believe that and I think the best way to help people is to show them how you care. If you do these things your life might change or be the same. If you really want to change you have to believe in you and not worry about the things that can happen. All we need to worry about is what we can do with the time that is give to us.