Red Bull Gives You Wings

"Wish we could turn back time the good old days. When we played basketball, but now we are all adult and lame" I used to play pretend  ( I still do) and people tell me to wake up and I need to make money. I'm still scared of dentist and the dark. I'm scared of pretty  girls and starting conversations"

Guys and girls can't be friends. You could  be friends with girls, but not the girls you have feelings for. The ones you want to date and see if there is something there. Like Marriage.  Eventually you have to move on. Being in the friend zone with people you have feelings for is okay at first, but eventually you have to tell them what you really think. How you feel and what you want because you can't live life with regrets. You can't say you gave it your all, when you never even tried. I wonder if I'll ever meet a person that I want to be with. I might have, but some of those people are in relationships that they probably don't even want. Yet, for some reason they feel like they have to make it work when they probably know it's not right. I once prolonged a relationship with a girl I dated. I once told her that I wanted to go slow while dating her, but deep down inside I knew she was not the one for me. She was just not my type. I thought of all the girls I was missing out on, while trying to be loyal to her. Being loyal to her was a waste of my time. However,  all I want and need is Loyalty, Loyalty, Loyalty! Yet, the girls I meet are frustrating. You think I'm going to be myself when I don't know you at first? Love it when girls blow you off because they don't think you're great. I enjoy that. I enjoy the rejection because it gives me motivation to prove everyone wrong. That's what keeps me going. That is what makes me go run outside and to work hard in meaningless things.

Who the HE Double Hockey Sticks cares if I prove people wrong and they realize that I was  great.  In the end I'm not here to prove people wrong. Maybe in my mind everyone is my competition, but I bet you most of the time those people don't even think about me. They probably don't give one second of their life to think about me. Then why should I think about them? It's because "I'm insecure and care what people think"...

The Sand of September

"I used to feel so devastated. At times I thought we'd never make it, but now we on our way to greatness and all that ever took was patience"...

Yet, nothing clicks. I'm on my way to mediocrity. I can run fast, but what does that accomplish and for every great run, there is always a failure day. That's been my life. I thought I was on the way to greatness, but I go backwards and the only thing I get is myself. 

I go out on dates and I know girls think  I'm attractive, but once they find out who I really am, I realize they  don't want me. They pass me  up. Maybe it's in my head, but it's true. I was with a girl the other day. Our conversation was good, but at the end I knew it was not going to ever happen. Just went my separate way because I don't want to know if she was interested in me. What's the point? Girls say they like you for who you are and not what you do. When they find out that you're not at that level...They say goodbye without ever saying hello. I don't get it.  As people we want to be loved and we want to know what it's like to be the one...For me that will not happen. Heard my brother on the phone tell my Mom that I won't get married anytime soon. Who cares? Who really wants to be married. From my observations it just seems like more nagging and you have to pretend you're happy with being a family man when all you see is the crazy people live the dream by doing whatever they want and attending to their selfish needs.

I wanted to be with someone, but don't think I ever will. I don't meet the bar. People say I'm hard on myself, but if true then why can't girls I actually want to date give me a chance? I thought I met a person a few months ago that I  could be with. After time I could not stand her. I did not care if she was sick and I did not care that I did not put my arm around her when she cried over stuff that is not that important. Maybe I'm a horrible person, but she was not my girlfriend. Just a girl I kissed..Yet, she still wanted to do things with me even though she thought dating me would go nowhere. Why would anyone want that? seriously? So I did what I do best and ignored her cold turkey because what's the point of being friends with a girl that you don't plan on marrying? or marrying her friends? So I moved on. All the people I meet are the same.. They say none of that stuff matters, but if you're going nowhere in life, then they don't want you. It all comes back to that one girl I once pined for because she was right. I'm sure she's happy to see I failed and so do her friends. Her friends live with my cousin  (awkward) and say I am fun. If true, then why are we not friends and do things? People say things they never mean and at time it hurts, but eventually you move on or become bitter.

Sometimes I've become bitter, I let the past take a toll on me. Not that I've had a horrible past. I just felt like I let anxiety ruin me. It's ruined my life and people tell me to take medication, but I can't. Not at this time. They tell me I'll never change if I don't take medication. Who wants to hear that..It's like you're some kind of freak that can't do anything by himself. I know me and I know I can accomplish anything I believe in. I know sometimes it's harder when things like anxiety get in the way, but the only person who can change is me.

Some days I think I can, but most days we let ourselves defeat us. I don't quit. I keep running and run in real life too. I know one day I'll move on and I know that once I do I can realize that it really was not so bad. Not so bad.

Take Note

So close to winning, but not close enough...We're like the Utah Jazz good, but not great. What makes someone great? You can focus all your talents on one thing and still suck. Maybe you have to have talent too. Determination is good, but talent gets you over the top. Maybe that is what went wrong. Or what I think is wrong,really is not wrong. Maybe I'm chasing perfection and there is no such thing as perfection. Maybe my heroes (Michael Jordan, Lebron, Kobe, George Clooney, and Captain America) really are not perfect. Maybe they have flaws in other aspects of their lives (That that is sad). George Clooney is not really my hero, but he seems like a cool person that lives his life to the fullest. According to where I'm from and what I've been taught, George Clooney is the example of selfishness. I've been taught to get married and have a family and work hard for your family. I work hard, but for things that really don't get me to where I need to be. I usually go somewhere, but it's always back to somewhere only we know. This town (& my family) are getting sick of me. I need to shake off the rust. Yet, I just stop and stare and go nowhere. I really do. I run, but every time I run, I end back to where I started from. I wonder if I will ever change. I don't. I walk around in circles. I keep walking around in circles. I  can't please people. I wonder why I care about that. Maybe it's because of the insecurities that you want people to like you. I wish I could be like Jack Sparrow and live in the moment. That's not real. Reality is not real. Nothing is real. What matters most is what we decide to do with the time that has been given to us. I do the same thing over and over and now it's 2017 and all I ever done was went to Disneyland. I was suppose to see the world, fall in love, and be the man. Now I just sit and worry about the trials of tomorrow while I lay in a bed full of sorrow. I did hit wall (not in running), but in life. Some say it's because of certain things, but I can't use that as an excuse. I can't be everything everyone wants me to be. I can't do things for them. I have to do what's best for me. What is best for me? I don't know, I really don't. Nothing clicks, except the mouse on my computer when I click to see if the Golden State Warriors won. Who cares if they won? My life does not  change. Nothing changes. Only I can change. I think of these thoughts as I run and I see people driving to their destination. Are they happy? Or are they going to something  they hate. I would say the majority of people hate what they do. They're surviving and that's all that matters. Who the hell cares about that? The people who are successful are the ones with passion in their eyes. They ignore that haters until they fade away. They just keep moving forward. I'm not any of those people. I'm the Screech of life. Doing the same thing since 2005 because of fear. My life is like  Interstellar because  I'm trapped in the same place while life goes on. Life goes on even if you don't move on. So maybe I should just take one step forward and if something hits me I should realize I will get knocked down and I will get up again because I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know Spring is coming and I'll be fine when it's here..

I hate the mountains, but I stand in S City with my shoes in the snow

Running in the snow is like setbacks, they may try to slow you down, but if you keep moving forward you get to your destination. The other day a person crashed in my car and the cop said it's nobody's fault. It's the snow. I was like what the H. It's sad because my car already has damage and girls don't like if you drive a beat up car. They say they don't care, but when you reach a certain age, they expect you to be the Michael Phelps of life. I wonder why girls say they don't care what a guy does, but deep down inside it's a lie. Girls don't give me a chance because of what I have not done. They ask me what I do for my career and I tell them and they don't say anything back. They don't know me. They don't know all the hard work I do for myself and my church, but to them that does not matter. People tell me I'm good looking, then why won't any girl just go on one date with me. It bothers me when nothing happens. I always thought when you date someone you go out and if you're interested, you keep dating.  My generation does not do that.  They look for perfection, but in the end I can tell you they're not going to find it. It's even more sad when you get stood up by a girl you met on an app where you swipe. That app is shallow because we only want to be with people because of their looks. In the end you have to be attracted to someone to be with someone. I could never date a person that I was not attracted to. It's a waste of time because you can try all you want, but if there is no spark then it's time to say next.

As my car got hit that night I thought of how we always try to feel sorry for ourselves. I could let my car accident define me or I could let my anxiety define me as a person. For years I have. I avoid all things and I don't see the point of doing new things. I do things, but I don't move forward. It's hard to when everything scares you. I fail. Hard I fail. I did try the last few weeks. Met some girls and maybe one day I'll date them. Maybe the ones that meet me will give me a chance. I would never tell a girl to get lost if she was not perfect or did not meet my list of standards. If I'm attracted and interested then I'll give you a chance. None of that stuff matters. It matters, but we marry potential not perfection. Perfection is what everyone wants, but in the end I have realized it never happens. Life happens and so does father time. So in the end I guess you have to decide what matters most. What determines if a person is worthy of your time is not money. They could lose their job, get sick, or find someone else. What matters is how that person treats other people and you. I don't know because I'm no dating expert. I don't enjoy dating  because  you can't be yourself. When you can be yourself with a person that is when you know that person might be right for you. I don't know because I'm no expert. All I know is that running is the greatest thing ever and no matter what it's the most important thing to me. Running makes me realize that everything will be alright in the end. I see the mountains, sky, and hear the birds and realize that life is not as bad as we think it is. In the end, everything will be alright.