Every Sunday I get the opportunity to sit alone at the church I attend. It is for reasons I can't really explain. Some people think I am angry and sad when they see me sitting alone. I tell them I'm not, but in reality I am what they think. This is what I think when I am sitting up there:
It hurts to see your past especially when you know you lost. Every week you see your past is a reminder of what you did not do. I know they could not date me because who would want to be with a person who can't move forward. I wonder if I will ever move forward. I say I will ,but I reflect on my life and realize I have not.
As I look out in the congregation I see people who look sad. I wonder why they are sad. If they could only see how I see them. I see this blonde girl and I wonder about her. I always wonder if she is okay, but she never seems okay. I wonder why she is sick of the congregation when she has so much potential. So much potential to inspire people and make them feel like they belong. You did that to me when I hung out with you and your friends back in the day. I know you will never read this, but you need to realize that you're great and any guy would be lucky to be with you.
Then I see another girl. A girl that might mean something to me at this very moment. I once had the opportunity to talk to her (ha ha). She is amazing. I wish I could tell her that, but the fear of creeping her out gets in the way. I wish she could know that and that one day everything will work out for her. What has happened before does not matter. Any guy would be lucky to be with you because you ARE desirable no matter what. Don't sell yourself short. I know one day you will get that chance even if you don't believe it. Everyone if this life gets opportunities, even if it takes years.
Then I see the younger kids of my congregation. They amaze me every week. They think they are not special, but they are the chosen generation. Even though I am in my 20s, I was never like them when I was their age. They include people without judging and they try to be friends with everybody. So when my time is up, I know my church will be in good hands.
Then I see people that bug me and girls that hurt my heart. I try to pretend I don't notice them, but I do. It hurts because you have to relive the past in your mind. I go through my mind of what happened and it's shameful. shameful because I shared my innermost thoughts with these people. I guess that is life to learn and to grow. Yes, the thoughts of frustration are there. Then I think to myself they are great people and that is what attracted me them in the first place. I wish I could tell them that, but they way I act it will never happen. maybe as I type this I hope maybe one day they will know. Know that they're great and deep down inside I really do care about them even if I can't show it.
Then I see the people I despise. Some make my so angry by the way they acted towards me or treat me. Some people say things that are not true. It makes me so angry and I want to get my moment to humiliate them, but then one day a friend told me it's better to just let go and turn the other cheek. They were right. It's so hard. As time goes by, I realize they are just people and it's probably them and not me. Then I think of the good they do and realize they are good people and I hope they make it and I know they will.
As I see all these people and see what I see in them, I glance at my watch and look at my face in the reflection. I don't remember who I am. I see pain, failure, and sadness. I wonder why I can see other people's greatness when I can't even see my own. I don't. Maybe I never will. I realize I have wasted so much time worrying what other people think about me. I spend countless hours trying to perfect things when I can't even perfect myself. It hurts to never grow. I hurts to never feel hope. It hurts the most to never feel love. The love where you care for somebody and you want to do anything for them. Maybe I will never get that chance.
Maybe I will never get to be with a girl and move forward with her. The thought hurts, but as I sit on the stand and think I realize it could happen. So what is the point? I think about that all the time up there. Maybe I'll never get my dream of being with a girl. In the end that does not matter. It does not matter if I can't move forward my own life. All the matters is that I build people up and make them better.
Yet, I come back to reality and realize I life is hard. Some days are harder than others. It seems like I have been regressing. Some days I rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow then worry about the trials of tomorrow. Then I realize I'm not here for me. My life might suck the rest of my life and it does not matter. It does not matter if I can't even think clearly or if I am depressed or have anxiety because I can make a difference no matter what. Anyone can. Even if you think they are garbage, they can make a difference too. They can change and reach their full potential. That is what gives me hope each and every day.
HOPE
