A raller's blog

2012-01-20T11:35:00.001-08:00

It hurts when you are on the outside and wanting to get in. What you see inside is something you always wanted, yet you will never have. I don't believe in happy endings and never will. Maybe for some, but to me there is no happy ending. Just that sad realization that you wasted your time and wonder why you could have done. That is why I can't look inside anymore. I just see everyone else moving and having a good time. Yet I'm alone on the outside wondering if I'll ever come in. usually I don't. I let opportunities pass me by and one day I'll be there wondering what the hell happened. Life is what we make it, but I still don't believe in people. I never do. They fail me or I fail them. Some try to let me in, but I just put them out. I watch everyone else get there happy ending, yet I never have mine. I say it's going to come together, yet it never does. I sit here and wait and wonder what I wait for. I have seen people I care for pass on and girls I really cared for move on. They moved on alright, but it was without me. I realize it's my fault and I never did a thing. Just hoped for the next move, yet I realized in life you can't stop and stare because you really will go nowhere.

It truly never gets better. People say it does, but I can't be young forever, so how can it get better? It really does hurt when you look in the window and see your friends. Yet you are out there in the cold just sitting and waiting to get in. I guess you can't put your focus on people because they are people and people are not perfect. There is one person that is always willing to let you in. No matter how bad we screw up in this life. He is just sitting there waiting to let you in and to embrace you and to show you who you really are. Yet at times we never let him in. When we do let him in, that is when we realized the failures and shortcoming of life are not so bad because it's just a minor thing in the grand scheme of things. I realize I can't be down and no matter how crappy life can get or we think it is, we can always make a difference because there are people out there on the outside just like us. All we need to do is open our eyes and look...........

2012-01-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

It hurts when you can't even get to the first round. It even hurts worse when you sail your own ship and get stuck in a rut. It even hurts more when a girl goes for some goob. Or on second thought you start to wonder if you're the the goob. When you realize that, that is when you start to go backwards in life. Life is supposed to be about moving forward, but moving forward makes us get closer to the end. Our bodies fail us, just like our hearts. If there is a point to it all, then why do we fail and never come back. So when you fail and people say the truth, it hurts like an arrow to the knee. Why do we get offended when people tell us the truth? Maybe because we don't want people to see that we are weak and that in reality we are all talk and don't know what the hell we are doing. It's sad, kind of like this life. It may get better, but usually never does. It's just the same stuff, but a different way and if you don't do stuff for anybody, then you most likely will fail in the next life. The next life will be great, but to get there you have to be perfect here on earth. Well, According to some religions you do. I thought you could make it, but realized it's impossible at times. You have to be good enough, yet we never are. We settle and focus on ourselves and even if you are good, it's never good enough. I tried and tried, but did not try hard enough. So if I do get judged for what I did not do on this Earth, I should not be sorry because I had a chance, but wasted it on what I should have, would have, and could have done.

It hurts when you wake up everyday and do the same old garb and have no meaning. Life was supposed to have meaning, but fear got in my way. Fear that you won't be here forever and that you already wasted the good part of your life. They say life is always good, but that's a lie. It is only good if you think that and that is why people don't like me because I see the glass empty and don't see it's potential. People are people and yet they don't understand me. They say I'm sad, but you don't know me. Maybe I look sad or even mad, but do you really know who I am? I may sound sick because of this rant, but I'm not sick. I'm just a person who had potential and seems to be wasting it every day. The truth does hurt because it's sad to realize that you have become what you do not want to be. People wonder why I get down, it's because they bring me down. They don't raise me up and forget about me. I should not care because I should forget my problems and help others. It's hard to, especially when you don't move forward. There is still that thing inside me that still has hope. My veins still pump with blood and I have a pulse. I still have the drive (even though it's dying at times) to show people up and become what I am supposed to be. I should not compete with others, but my whole life people never believed in me. SO I feel I have something to prove. You may sit here and laugh, but don't laugh because I don't forget and I remember the things people say and I do have something to prove. It does sound bad and it's bad to be like this, but that is who I am. Thank you to everybody who never believed in me. I may be a loser at this current time and one day I might make it, but in the end it does not really matter about garb like that. All that matters is who I helped bring back to the fold. Yet I never do and that is sad because that is truly the meaning of life.

The End

2011-12-31T19:28:00.000-08:00

Every time the year ends, people have some grand idea of what they want to do or be the coming year. Most of the time the things people want is about them and how they can make their life better. I came to the conclusion yesterday that this life is not really about us. It's about others. So maybe we should focus on helping our friends or that one person who really needs help. I am selfish person as well. I always think of me first and the other day a person told me their problems and it made me have have a epiphany. The thing that came to my mind is that we are really here to help others and to help bring them up. My problems are nothing and usually they're meaningless in the big picture of all things. The real purpose of life is to help others, yet we never do. Everything in this life of what we become is all meaningless if we truly never helped anyone indeed. Everything ends, just like us and it made me realize that there has to be a bigger picture than me. Even if you are not religious, you still have to think that there has to be some meaning to life. If there is no point to life, then what is the point to life. I guess that is the hardest thing we will have to experience on earth because we can do whatever we want. We can be bad or we can be good. I don't know sometimes why we are here. I know deep down inside, but sometimes I wonder if I have a purpose or if everything in this life is a coincidence. Yet there probably really is no coincidence because everything is fate and everything that has and will happened, has happened for a reason. Sometimes we don't get what we want and maybe we never will. At times that is hard to grasp, but I have learned that you can't focus on what you don't have. You have focus on what you can do. I think when you forget about you and start to worry about others, that is when life has more meaning. So when you see someone down or see their frown, you have to step up and tell them what you see in them and what their potential can be.......

Sic- we were meant to live for so much more.

2011-12-06T11:08:00.000-08:00

"Meant to Live"That song always had meaning to me when I first heard it and it still means something to me today. We are all meant to live for so much more. Yet we settle and don't believe we can. I have realized that no matter where we are in life, we can always can do better than we think we can. Things may happen and we may not be at where we want to be in this life, but I have learned you can never give up. You can't compare yourselves to others because we are all at different places in this life. Some may leave sooner and some people may leave this life later than others. What we are here for is very simple. It is to help people realize their true potential. It does not matter what kind of money we make. All that matters is we made the people we were in contact with better than they were when we first met them. Life does suck and sometimes it seems pointless, but there is something here that we are supposed to do. I don't know what, but I think we are to inspire others and learn ourselves. We are here to learn that we are all the same. We all have the same kind of problems and same fears, but you things like where we are from and all that other jazz get in the way. I think when we leave this life, we realize the true meaning and realize what we did do and did not do. SO I guess the main thing is to never hold back because if you do, you might end up being bitter.

Life

2011-05-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

What is the purpose of life? Some say it is to live it up and do what you want to do. Others say it is to make it better than you left it. Sometimes it all makes sense, but most times life is not what we think it will be. It is sad that nothing can be the same. It never just stops, it keeps going until your hourglass run outs. Most people say they have time to change, but days go to weeks to months and eventually years. Then you realize what have you done and you start to fear. Some of us won't last long and other will be here for awhile and I have learned that the purpose of life is to help others, yet most of the time we don't. I feel bad at times of the way I have acted, but I have to learn that I am only human and that is why I am here on this earth. It is to learn and some people may not believe there is another life after this life. I am certain there is even though I can't prove it to disbelievers. The only thing I can do is live life the way it is supposed to be lived. I have learned it is showing people that you care and that no matter where you are in this life, there is always hope. That is what the great thing about a new day is because with each new day there is hope. We can always change and when people say you can't, you can.

2011-05-04T00:13:00.000-07:00

As I walked away from the basketball court tonight, I could taste the bitterness of the blood that was oozing in my mouth. I realized that is like life. Sometimes it does not pan out and that people are never there for you when you are down. Some may be, but I don't think there is anyone out there that has ever gave a shiz what has happened to me. It hurts when people forget about you and you just become that person that people wondered whatever happened to, but they can't even give you a call. I have realized to never put my hope in people because they will let you down and if you try, they will forget because they have important things to do and that is worry about themselves. I have often observed many people in relationships and wondered if I ever will be in one day, but I have realized it won't mainly because I am cynical person and girls don't like people like that. I had hope, but it went out the window years ago when I realized in life that I am going to have to settle and do things I hate. I have worked hard, but sometimes hard work does not get you anywhere and you either have to not let it bother you or you can let it bother you. That is what I have done and it makes me wonder why I can't seem to get back. Maybe it's because I am so used to the same thing and I don't believe in moving forward. Moving forward just means you are getting closer to the end and I do not want to become a has been. I want to be normal, but in this life you don't get to choose and sometimes it is the hardest thing to accept because you don't want to. Some people say life is simple, yet we make it so hard. Some say it is worth it though and others say you get one life to live and that you should live it and do whatever the hell you want to do. It may be true, but I have learned that the purpose of life is not to do what you want to do, it's to do things for others. Yet most of us don't, we fail short of the bar. We tend to reflect on our own problems, yet there are people out there who have it worse than us. Just because you have problems, does not mean you can do a thing. Some person once told me you have to help yourself out before you help others. It's not true because nobody is perfect and you can help people out, even if you think you are not good enough. That is what goes in my mind when I observe others.

Shattered

2011-01-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

Dreams don't come true and most of the times they never will. We give them up because we either we settle for what we have now or we just don't believe in ourselves. Or people tell us we suck and so we quit and never try. My dreams were shattered years ago and to be honest they were unrealistic dreams. That is what is so sad about life because when you are young, you think the world is great and that nothing can stop you. As you grow older you start to realize that those dreams were stupid and that there is no way you will actually achieve those dreams. I sit here and type and yet I am doing nothing with life. I often wonder if I'll ever make it, but usually I don't and never will. Why would I be so negative, at such a young age? It is simple because people never have given me the opportunity to believe. However, you can't put your fate on people, you have the power to control your own fate. That is what I realize, but I still can't become what I want to be and it is sad because you know you can, but the thoughts come back and you really don't think you can. I often hide my true feelings and if I ever did show them, it would not matter because people don't care. They don't and if you said to me that they do, I hardly would believe them. Most people care for one thing and that is themselves and you may sit here and read this and want to argue, but it is true. We all help people, but sometimes we do it for the wrong reasons. I have, but who cares because nobody cares and why would I write such negative things? I choose to react the way I feel and we have the power to change, but how many actually do. Seriously most people never change and they do for a few weeks and months, but they go back to their old ways. Sometimes you think they can, but most of the time they don't. It's not, that I am trying to be depressing, but this is how I think at times and I know I should not be like that. I should have hope, but it is hard to have hope at times because sometimes you go nowhere in life. I have not got to where I want to be, I just graduated from college, but I have not progressed in anything. I still feel like I am in high school at times and it is sad to see the people your age move forward. It's like I have regressed and they have all tasted the goodness of life. I have just tasted the failures of life and it's a bad taste, but it is my own fault. Everything is your own fault when things don't go your way and that is what I realize and I realized people should not feel bad for me because it is my fault and if I really wanted to change then I would. I never do, I go back and settle because of fear. Fear is a swear word I can't say, but it destroys you and it messes you from reaching your full potential. So when I talk to people I tell them they can because I believe that they can and yet I never believe in me and it is sad. I see their potential, but I never see mine, but who cares because that is life and if I never man up, then I'll never get to where I want to be. I have learned we can be what we want to be, we just have to work for what want to be. At times life may be lame, but that is the purpose of life. It is to rise above and while you rise, you should bring others up with you because I don't I want people to ever feel like I have and if they do, I'll raise them up and tell them what I see in them. If I never make it, then I am really not trying. I have observed that if you try, you'll get somewhere in the right direction. It may take years, but I know that in the end I'll be what I want to be.

Life is a Beach, I am Just Playing in the Sand

2011-01-19T10:30:00.000-08:00

I have realized in life that most people don't become what they want to be and sometimes they give up their dreams for the things they want now. I always wonder why because they seem to be having a great time, but who really knows because there will be a time when all of that goes away, a time when we gave up our passions for the quick easy and way out of life. I have learned there is no easy way out. If you want something, you have to go and do it because thinking and wishing won't get you anywhere. I often wonder why people quit or settle now because it is not worth it. I have settled many times in life, I have not gone for the dream. I have finished college and other things, but I am still not where I want to be. I see people that I know go for jobs that in the end are just a rut and will really never help you get you to where you want to be. A lot of people tell me I am dumb and that I am going to have to give up my dreams because either I suck or the economy is bad. There are times when it gets to me, but then I think of the people that have worked hard and got to where they wanted to and no thing or economic crisis got in their way. That is why it is funny to me because there really is nothing stopping us in this life. Crap will happen, but it the end it comes down to you and you have to decide if it is worth it or not. Most of the time people don't believe in them and I have learned from college that anything is possible. I never believed that I would finish, I was scared the first day and every year was something scary, but in the end I finished and I realized that I can and most of the time it was me who was preventing me from reaching my full potential. I am finished, but I still have to move and people say things and do things to you that make you mad. I have learned we just have to let it go and that most of the times when people say things it is the truth and you can use that for motivation. I have learned you can do anything in life. Nothing is too hard and the main thing is you have to be confident in you and after you get that, you can reach your potential.

2011-01-05T19:53:00.000-08:00

I have been away from blog land and had an event that made me want to rant. I realized I can't because it won't do me any good. Sometimes we get dissed and the truth gets shoved in our face and we have to eat it. When that happens you want to get revenge and make them pay for what they did. It has happened to me many times in my life and I have to realize that it is okay if people judge me for the way I am. I'll be honest that I am not the most positive person and when people tell me things I already know about myself it makes me mad. I know who I am, but I realized it's okay if people say crap because you can use that for motivation. The great thing is you can always change and sometimes it's the people themselves who have problems. I realized we say mean things because we want to hurt people and make them feel bad. I have learned we can't be like that even if life sucks because one day it will get better. Maybe it will, but I don't know because my life is the same, but that can't stop me from helping people and telling people what I see in them. I see lots of things in people that I never tell because I don't want to be that person. I don't like sharing my true feeling with people because I keep everything inside and I have realized when you do that it gets you nowhere in life. You just sit there and fester it all in and that is not good. When we get angry or want to fight back, the best thing do is walk away or ignore them. Sometimes the truth hurts and words sting, but we are not what they say we are because people truly don't know us. Sometimes people see us in our bad moments and sometimes we act certain ways to get people attention. Nobody is truly bad, what makes them bad is events in their lives and they choose to respond and I have learned that most people have a heart, no matter how bad of a person they think they are. I have learned to never give up on a person either because they have potential and we may not see, but God does and sometimes we have to be that person to show them who they really are. I realized this myself and sometimes don't believe in me and nobody is there for me and sometimes I want to be a jerk and I realize that it's okay if people don't care about me because I have the power to help them and change their lives.

observe

2010-09-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

I have realized in life that most people don't pay attention. I know that may sound rude, but it's true. They do not observe the others around them and people think I am creepy because I observe and I can figure things out about people by observing. I don't think it's creepy, I think it shows that I care, but I realized most people don't care, they are off into their own world. I am not saying that I always focus on others, but I do notice people, yet I never say anything or try to help them. I do help, but some people are just weird and don't want your help. I often wonder why people do certain things or become a certain way. You sometimes see people that you know decide to do dumb things or things that just don't make sense.

You want to tell them, but you realize you can't because it's not your responsibility to tell them what to do. It is for them to decide, it's their life. Maybe that is how God feels when he sees us doing the wrong things. He wants to help us, but can't because the purpose of this life is to use our own free agency and to see if we will make the right choices.

Even if we do the wrong things or not the best things in life, it's okay because we can always comeback and be better. That is what I observe when I see others. I wonder, but then I realized even they can comeback and we have the power to help them. That is why we have to tell people what we see in them because a few words can change a person's life.

2010-08-27T09:28:00.000-07:00

Life is never easy and sometimes we make it more difficult then it really is. We let fear get in the way and we also never believe in ourselves. I have come to the conclusion that life is not really that hard and that you can be anything or become anything, as long as you believe in yourself. For me this is the hardest thing I ever have to do because I often sell myself short and say I am never good enough. When I fail my expectations I think everyone is mad at me and that it is not okay to screw up. That is what I have lived with over the years and it is no way to live a life. Trying to be perfect is not the way to be and focusing on your problems is not the way to be. People may read this and think I don't really think like this, but I do. It has ruined me, I have not lived life to the fullest. I have lived my life worrying about all the things that could happen. I think about things so much that I get sick at times. I wonder why I do that, but I realized if you fail, you can't be scared because it is okay to mess up. That is why I have lived in a shell because of fear and the thought of failing. I really do wish I could see what people see in me because at times the only thing I see is a person that tried to do things for other people, while never going for my dream. That is one thing I always think about when I am at school or at work. I sit there and think and wonder if it is all worth it. Or should I just drop everything and go for the dream. People say it is dumb, but why be miserable if life is so short. It may be smart to get degrees and work jobs that pay well. However, they will never make you happy, if they are not your dreams. I dream and I realized that being here in Utah is not my dream. I am not all about money and becoming rich. I am about doing what I love and using my talents to make people happy. I have realized that nothing I have done in school and work has really inspired people. That is okay because I don't have to be something to change people's lives. I just have to treat them that I care and show them how I truly feel. It is amazing how people are there for you when you need them most. It makes you realize that life is not so bad and that you can't be afraid. When you do make it, you need to inspire others as well because that is the purpose of life. I realized that even one person can change your life. Most of the time that is when you meet the girl of your dreams. I have not found my future wife or anything, but I have met girls that I truly cared for and they made me a better person than I am today. I realized that every girl is special no matter what they do and what they look like. Even if it does not work out, it's okay because that is the purpose when it comes to dating. You sometimes wonder if it is fate when you meet certain girls. You wonder if God is trying to help you out or if it is just random. That happened to me the other day. I met this girl I worked with and wondered if I would ever see her again. The crazy thing is I did, she happens to go to the same church I go to. I don't know if that is fate or just a random thing , but I realized if it is nothing that's okay because she is a great person. You can't worry if it does not work out or anything. You can't worry when or if you will get married. You can't worry about what you will do for a job. All I know you have to do is worry about what you can do for others. When life gets dark and dreary, the best thing is to forget about you and help others. It does not matter if I become rich or ever get married. To me, all that matters is who I helped make a better person. That is what I really want to do in life and I don't care if I never make it because if I could change or save a person's life, then it won't matter what I have become. So when I move forward all I need to do is focus on others because it does not matter about anything else. It is good to have money and to be successful, but if you never do anything to change the world with your talents, then life is a waste.

2010-08-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

I heard a talk from a person about becoming a man. It was really great, but they said that a man is someone who puts the fun things away and starts dating and does important things in this life. In LDS land if you don't do things the right way you are considered a failure to some people. They went on to say that we should be focusing on dating and if we do we will meet that person we were supposed to meet. They basically just said that we should put the childish things behind and focus on becoming a man. I sat there and realized that everyone is at their own level in this life. They can peak at their own time. That is one thing that has always bothered me because people expect you to be like everybody else. If you are not trying to find a wife or do the right things, then you are considered a failure. I realized that nobody is a failure and that they will decide in their own time of when they want to grow up and become a man. If if they are not going to school or trying to progress, they are not failures. They have potential and they can become anything they want to be. That is why we can never give up on anybody because they can become great. You can't focus on what a person does not do, you need to focus on the things they do great. Why I get so passionate about this is simple, because people have doubted me in my own life. I have realized you can't worry what other people think because if you do you will become insane. All you have to do is what you can do and hope that God will carry you the rest of the way. I know that life is hard at times and sometimes it seems like it never will improve. It does and I realized no matter where we are at in this life, we can always make it. The most important thing I have ever learned in this life is to just keep moving forward. It has been hard, but in the end you realize it was worth it. I also want to say never stop believing in a person because anybody can change. We just have to help them and encourage them. It may take time, but it can happen.

2010-08-15T10:36:00.001-07:00

I write the exact same things in this blog and the reason why is because in my mind I have gone nowhere. I have worked hard, but the only thing I have got was a rut that can't seem to go away, but that's okay because life is never supposed to be easy and if is is, then you are really not trying. I have learned that if you never believe you can, then you probably never will. The only person stopping yourself is you. We can have and be whatever we want and the best way to do that is to decide and say to yourself that you are going to be what you want. I also learned to never settle for anything because most of the time you are better than you think you are. It takes people to show you that and we also need to be there for people and show them what we think. You will be surprised how a small thing can make a person happy. It can even make them change. Yet I write all this and still think I am not great because in my mind I want to be the best and I have this imagination that I think when I get to where I want to be, that I'll be fine. I have realized you will never get to where you want to be and that when you do get there, it still does not mean you will be happy. Happiness does not come from possessions, it comes from helping people and keeping relationships. No riches could ever make a person happy and it can for a while, but then the happiness goes away. I have learned that to be happy it has to start with you. You can't be mad at what you have done in the past and sometimes you have to forgive yourself, even though that is the hardest thing to do. We all mess up and if we realize that it's okay, then we can move forward. I don't truly know what real happiness feels like. I know I have felt my best when I have actually helped someone for the right reasons and telling people what I truly think of them. I have often observed that is what people worry about and they need to know what we see in them because it helps them improve in their lives. We need to be there for others even though we may not really like them. The other day I saw this person cry because they thought they were lost and it actually got to me because for a moment they thought they were alone. Yet people like us stood there and did nothing to comfort them and I realized that we should have. I also realized that we are never truly alone because there is someone that is there when think we are alone and that is God. He may not give you want you want, but I have learned that God can comfort you in your times of need. He can put people in your paths that can help you improve. If you think not, you just have to look a little harder and then you will realize that God was there the whole time. We are never alone and if we think we are, we just need to go find others and help them be comforted. I don't know why I am writing this and showing to the world how I really think, but I have realized if you never speak from your heart, then nobody will know who you really are. The jokes aside I have realized that we all are good and have potential and sometimes it may take a little longer to get to where we want to be, but if we never quit, we will get there.

running

2010-08-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

I went for a long run last night and had many thoughts that raced through my mind. Everytime I run I am always thinking. The first thing I realized is that nobody really cares and that there is no such thing as a true friend. You may wonder why I would have thoughts like this, but when I run I think of my life and what I have done. I realized I don't have friends and it is my fault, but there comes a time in you life when you need friends. I have friends, but they are not close to where I live and they moved on to other places, so they could improve their lives. That is one reason I run because I want attention and I feel that nobody notices me. If they do, they are afraid to say something. I am too, but I am more of the quiet type and don't like to invite myself to activites I was not invited to. I don't feel like I belong to anything, I'm more like an outsider who has wasted his life trying to please other people. That is another thing that goes through my mind when I run. I think about what I have done in life and realized my whole life I have done things just so I could get approval. I have also done the right things thinking it would change my life. It hasn't, I am still the same and think the same. I feel that everybody has something against me and that they don't really want to be my friend. That is why I isolate myself because I feel like I don't belong. You may think that is sad, but it is true and I choose the way I want to react. It is hard to change and that is what I realize when I run. It is hard to move forward when there is nobody or nothing there for you. You think it will change, but it never does and you go back to your old habits and ways because you think you are never good enough. People might read this and think it is sad, but don't feel bad for me because you don't, if you cared you would have tried to help me, but I realized most people don't care. They just tell you to move on and they are not there for you when you need them the most.

That is the same for me as well. I am never there for people even though I am more aware of the person's problems and frustrations. I observe and I have realized that most people are scared to share their real feelings or how they feel about certain things. They try to keep in, but I have realized keeping all of your problems to yourself gets you nowhere. I have realized even the small things can change a person's life. I realized that the other day when I was driving with some girls in a car to a ward activity. They where talking about life and one girl was talking about how she does not think she will get married anytime soon. She even said her younger sister might get married before her. I had a sense that this bothered her because she was talking about it. I have realized when people talk about certain things, that is what the really want. The quiet me just sat there and said nothing.

I have realized I should have told her don't worry and told her that she will get married in her own time. She is a very cute girl and has accomplished a lot in her life and I think I should have said that, but I didn't because I don't want to come across creepy. I should have because when people never hear the real things you see in them, then they will never change or believe that they can become better. I believe that this girl in my ward should realize that she is greater than she think she is and that she should not settle because she has potential. I am not saying I know exactly what this girl thinks of herself, but I have realized we need to be there for people and say what we see in them.

That is what I realized at the end of my run is that we need to be there for people and there will be times when we are alone. Or we may feel that we are alone, but we just need to keep moving, even if it hurts. It may take years to become who we are, but in the mean time we need to focus on others. When we get down we should not think about what we don't have or do. We should realize what we can do and who we can help because anybody can help anybody. I really believe that and I think the best way to help people is to show them how you care. If you do these things your life might change or be the same. If you really want to change you have to believe in you and not worry about the things that can happen. All we need to worry about is what we can do with the time that is give to us.

2010-07-27T16:54:00.000-07:00

I have realized that the past few years I have lived in a shell. It may sound sad for you to hear that, but it's true. I have been so scared of change that I have isolated myself from people and new things. It is not a bad thing, but it just creates a rut and you start to never believe in yourself. You think your are not good enough and that when people say certain things it is not true. You worry so much that you can't make a decision because you worry of all of the bad things that might happen. That is what has stopped me from progressing because I have been afraid and when I think too much about a situation, I can't move forward. I usually don't make a decision in the end. It has hurt me, but I have realized that in the end it will all work and out and we will be on the path we were supposed to be. It has been hard to move forward and I think it is hard for anybody because we can't see what it will be like on the other side. That is a risk we have to take because if not, we will be in a rut and we will not progress.

That has been me for the past few years. I have progressed in sports and other things, but I have not reached my full potential in life because of fear. I think we all do that because we don't really like change. I have also realized that when we are in a rut or down in our own lives, we still need to help others because that is the purpose of life.

Helping people is what truly helps us progress because when we help others for the right reasons, that is when we move forward in our own lives. It is easy and you don't have to be something to help someone. That is what I have learned when things don't go my way or when I focus only on me. I realized that there are other people out there that need help and I need to do something to help them.

Just wait for the opportune moment

2010-06-20T21:36:00.000-07:00

I was talking to this one person about life and how certain things happen. They said why do what is right when there are so many other people who do what they want and go off the path and come back. He said it does not matter if you tried to do the right things your whole life because you can always repent. I realized that is a point you have to consider when things don't go your way.

There are times when you wonder if doing the right things is worth it because there are times when nothing changes. You get stuck and you see people that are not really that good and have all the fun and come back and you wonder if your choices were worth it. I often think about that because I have worked hard in life and I have not seen benefits from working hard. I have also done the right things in life and I have not seen any real good things come out of that.

When things do not get better, it can be discouraging, but I have realized we just have to keep moving along because everything will work out in the end. Most of us can't see it and do not believe things will work out when we are down and frustrated. They do, we just have to keep trying and doing what is right. I know that it is hard to do the right things, but I know that if you do what is right, you will eventually be blessed in this life. It can take years and that is when we have to have patience because the purpose of life is to be tested.

People can say it is not, but life is a test. It is to become stronger than we were the day before. We are supposed to learn when things don't improve. We can't just sit and think it will get better. I have learned we have to be doing and that we have to believe it will change. The best way to change is to keep trying each day. I know that helping people is the most important thing to do when we are down and things don't go our way. That is what this guy I was talking to does not do. He only is concerned about who he should blame. I have learned that gets you nowhere and that we can't focus on what other people do because we are at our own levels in this life. If we worry about what other people don't do or say, then we are no better than them. We need to focus on who to help and what we can do in this life to make it better.

If we do those things, I know our own lives will improve. It may not improve drastically, but it will improve. That is what people have to realize; we can't compare ourselves to other people because we are at our own levels and we are all trying to get to the same destination. I think that is what we have to realize when we are with others. We are the same and we have similar problems and realize that we are here to to help people and not to bring them down. Everything can get better and if it doesn't right away or never does, we can still help others and inspire people. I know that is the small things that change people's lives and I think once we realize these things, our own lives can change.

I wrote this for everyone because this is who I really am.

2010-06-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

I sit and watch and yet it never changes or I don't change. They say doing all the right things makes you better, but that is not true. I am still sitting and waiting and I have been doing that for awhile and to me it will never happen. I still feel judged and I feel that people are afraid to be a real friend. I meet people, but I have observed that most people have something against me or they really think I am a jerk. There have been times when I am at church or other social settings, where I deliberately sit alone and what I have found out is that people never say a word to me at all . It often bothers me because it's me or people just don't like me or they are afraid to say something because I don't really talk.

I have come to the realization that nobody cares and that most people only care about one thing and that is themselves. It is true and it is true for me as well. If you seriously think about it, we always think of ourselves first and what we don't have. These are the things that go through my mind as I have been isolated from socializing for the past five years. I wonder why should I get what I want when there are others out there who need help. Yet I tend to focus on me and when I do it just makes me more frustrated because I don't feel this great sense of belonging anywhere. My church that I attend is a bunch of cliques and they can say that they are not, but they are. They exclude people and they don't make people feel welcomed. It bothers me , but then I come to the point where I have realized that I can make a difference and who the hell cares if they are stuck up and set in their ways.

I see people like me that are not welcomed in church and other places and I always say to myself that someone else will help them and it's not my responsibility. It is because we are all people and if we say we feel unwelcomed, then we should do things to make people feel welcomed. That is what I don't do and I often need to realize that I can. Anybody can help anybody it does not have to be great. It can be a simple hi or a invite. That is what I don't do and yet I wonder why I am the way I am. It is simple I choose the way I want to be, nobody can tell me how to live or how to think. So if you really want to change it ultimately comes down to you.

I would also say that you need people to help because it is hard to do it alone. I have done most things alone that past few years and it has not been fun. What keeps me going it the hope that it will get better, but there are times when I don't see it, yet I keep pushing along because I believe that I can make a difference and I believe that anyone can make it and we have to be there for others and not just ourselves because people need each other. People make life more meaningful and they have to power to change people's lives. I think everyone needs to realize that because we can help others, even though we can't see how we could.

When I get down and frustrated, I need to realize that there are other people that I could help and that my problems are only temporary and that the purpose of life is to be challenged, so we can reach our full potential. Sometimes we don't get the dreams of our dreams, but I have realized that sometimes the things we often dream about our not the most important things in this life. The most important things is basically helping people realize their full potential and making them better than they were before.

2010-05-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

It is all meaningless when you wake up every day and do what you hate and you look at yourself and wonder what have you done in this life. It's also pointless when you have nothing and nobody, you just wake up and wonder and hope, but you realize it does not change. It makes you sad and it even makes you more sad when you see people move forward in life, when you have worked so hard and yet nothing has become from that hard work. You start to wonder if doing what is right is worth it? or should you just go and do what you want because doing what is right does not make life better.

People think I am negative and I would have to say I am and it is kind of hard to overcome when you have never done anything in life. I have never done anything, just worried of the things that could happen. I have never experienced the joy of life, just the ruts of life and it gets to the point where it ruins you. It makes you down everyday and it makes you think it will never become better. People say it is my fault and that I choose the way I want to react to life situations, but that is not true. There comes a time when you need people and need to experience new things, but I don't because I have no friends. I could invite myself, but that is kind of hard to do when you have been so isolated for so long. I am not a freak, I am a normal attractive guy, I just can't overcome the thoughts of never being good enough.

I wish I could meet a girl that likes me and I like her back, but I never have. I have in the past, but I never did anything about it. It is hard for me to socialize, I usually run away when I have to because I don't feel like I belong. I never did anything with girls and so it is hard to be confident and have swag when you meet the girls you like. I usually just act all nervous and it drives me insane and I always sell myself short and think why would a girl want me, if they could only see how I see myself.

I always wonder what people think of me when they see me, but I'll never know because people never really say things to me and that does not help either because it makes you feel like you are a freak and that nobody wants to get to know you. I think people still judge me for certain things I have not done and I can't seem to get over the things I have not done in the past and it is really frustrating because you can't move forward, just backwards and that is no way to life a live.

I hope that one day it will all change and I have to realize that life can bring you down, but I still can lift people up even though life can be frustrating at times. I guess we have to be patient and take small steps forward to reach the destination. Life can be hard, but I have learned we can't give up because if there is always hope even though we can't see it. There has to be a end to the pain,the sorrow, and the shattered dreams. I know how to do that and that is to move forward and sometimes it is hard because change is scary, but it is a good thing because change makes us who we are. Change could be for the best, or it could be for the worse, but if we never try then we will become like me a person who has not done a thing at all and that is no way to live a life. Life is about joy not about enduring and I sure hope that one day I feel the real joy of this life.

reason

2010-05-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

They say things happen for a reason and that everything falls into place. I do not believe that because if bad things happen, then why is it a good reason? or why did it happen? I am not saying bad things happen to me, I am just saying that I never like that idea that everything works out and you get what you want. I have learned that you don't always get what you want and life is not fair at times. You wonder why, but you have to make the most of what happens and you can't sit and do nothing and hope it will all work out.

That is what I have realized because if you want something, you have to do in order to achieve and that is how it all falls into place and sometimes things don't work out and bad things happen. I guess it is to make us better than we are today. Then there are times when they don't make us better, we just go back to our old attitudes and quit because we lose hope. That has happened to me numerous times. Things don't go my why and I feel like a complete failure, but I think I need to realize that I am not a failure and that I am better than I was before. I still don't see it because in my mind I have done nothing, just work, worked out, and go to school. I have watched people move on, grow up, and taste the goodness of life, while I just stare and wonder when is it my time. I don't know if I will ever have my time or even make in my standards because I have not made it. I am not talking about making money or any of that other fake stuff, I am just talking about progressing. I don't think I have progressed at all, I am the same as I was when I was younger. I have not progressed socially or even progressed in my job, and religion.

When you don't move forward that is when you become negative and start to hate the world because the only thing you see is failure and nothing else makes you happy because all you wanted was to taste what other people taste and that is success. I have success in running and other things, but those things are sports and they don't really change your life. I do those because I like competition.

When were down in the dumps and think it will never get better that is when we have to help others because it is better to change other people's lives then our own. I really believe that or I feel like I have a sense of duty to help others, even though I don't have everything all together in my own life. I know if I do help people, one day everything will improve and if not you just can't lose hope because things do work out, it just might take a little longer. So I guess we should never quit because there is always hope.

Thoughts

2010-04-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we get down and frustrated and we think the universe revolves around us. We tend to think that our problems are worse than everybody else, yet I have observed that we all have the same problems. They are not the same, but they are similar and everybody has their own Goliath they have to overcome. For me that is believing in me, sometimes I think I am never good enough for anything and so I isolate myself from the world. I should not do that and I should not always think about me because I have learned that there are people who have it worse than me. I need to help these people and not worry about me because my time will come. I really think I need to help others and make them feel welcomed. Sometimes I don't feel welcomed with my church or people I meet at school and work. I get mad and say they don't care and maybe they don't, but I should not worry because I have to worry about me. I have learned the best way to feel welcomed is to seek out those people who seem sad and down. I do observe a lot and I see these things. I always think of going up to these people and saying hi, yet I don't because I think what can I do? I am nothing special, but that is wrong, we all have our own gifts and if we used those gifts we can help people reach their full potential.

That is what we are here on earth for and that is to help people and if we realize that, we can become better ourselves. I hate admitting that because I like competing, but I have realized we need to help others even if our lives are not that great. I often see people and yet I don't do anything to help them and I feel bad because I should. I know it is hard, but I am not saying we have to do huge things, we can just do small things. I know that if we help people with a real purpose, then we will improve. Just because we help others does not mean our lives will become great, I have learned that sometimes it takes time and I think that is part of live as well. It is to be tested and see if we can be patient and good even when may feel that all is lost. However it is never lost, even when we are in the pits or in a hole we can't get out, there is always light at the end. I guess that is what I need to learn, I need to be patient and realize that life is not that bad and sometimes it may not be great, but if it is not, I still need to help others because even when we are down, we still have to power to change lives of the people we meet.

Past

2010-04-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

I sometimes run into people who used to know me and they always second guess me in my opinion. People say they actually care, but then why do they ask me questions that make me feel stupid. This one person who once knew me asked me what I have been up to and I told them I have been going to school and they asked me if I was just doing generals and taking classes. I'm sorry, but that just gets on my nerves because I am almost done with my bachelors degree, I have one more internship and then I am graduated. Then there are people who assume I go to Salt Lake Community College and I think they are so dumb that they would assume I go there when I have told them in the past that I go to the University of Utah. I think people think I am a certain way because I did not do things in the LDS church and yet that is my reason to prove those people wrong. It's like they assume I am lazy, but I work harder than most people because I have to prove them wrong. That is why I hate meeting people from the past, they just get on my nerves because they assume something I am not. That is my life, people, work, and girls always doubt me. So I have to prove them wrong and I don't feel bad for being like that, but when people assume things it just gets on my nerves.

I do like it because it gives me motivation to show them up, even though they probably don't even know that they offended me. I just feel like nobody believes in me and I have something to prove. I understand that is part of life to prove yourself in work life and personal life. It just makes me laugh when people say dumb things and assume that I am a certain way. Or maybe it's just me because I think people are judging me because of certain things I did not do. That is probably true because I don't like when people judge me. How do I know what they really think? I just assume that is what they think, but I don't truly know and that has been my whole life story and it is sad because I can't overcome it. I think that everyone is against me and that they want me to fail, but who knows what they are really thinking, only God knows. I guess that is something I have to overcome and forget and not worry because that is not what life is about. I can only worry about me and where I am going to be and hopefully that will be somewhere better than I was before.

positive

2010-03-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

I got dissed the other day and lost it because when people try to say things that put me down, I am not going to put up with their crap. Or should I say garbage, I'm sorry, but I am really angry and still angry and let face the fact that I am still bitter and don't really want to get over it. This person told me once I am done with school I will not get a good job and that I am all talk in someways of my life. Are you serious? I already know that, but when people say things it just goes in my mind and I don't forget and I will remember and when I do make it in life, I'll make sure this douche bag knows what I did. I know we should not act like that, but I can't live my whole life and let people say crap that is not true.

That has been my life story and it is the reason for motivation on why I do certain things because I wan't to prove all those people wrong. Everyone has doubted me and never believed in me and that is why I am the way today. That is why I am isolated and don't really want to be around people because they always think they are better than you. My whole life I have never got what I really wanted, I have to often sit and watch people get what they want, while I just keep wasting my life for compaines and believe that they actually care about me. I have realized most companies do not and that has made me more bitter because people say hard work is so valauble, but I have learned some companies do not care if you work hard or not. All I have earned from working hard is a rut and I get dissed by goobs who think they know life. These experiences don't really help me out and make me stay the same because I feel like nobody has really ever truly believed in me. Even that one comment goes in the basket and I have lots of things I can't get over because people don't know that I am the person can remember things that happened to me since I was a kid.

However, I can't use those reasons for excuses in life because only cowards and losers do that. I mean people say crap all the time I guess you can't worry what they say because most of the time they are haters and they will fade away. Most of the people who say things like that are really not happy with themselves and they just want people to feel like them. I have learned if you worry what other people say, you are no better than them. There are always going to be people like that and the best thing to do is to work hard and never give up. This person is fine example of a quitter, they use excuses on why they are not the man they should be today. I have learned there is no excuse or reason why you can't become what you want to be. So never listen to those kinds of people and don't quit because if you truly work hard and try, you will get to where you want to be. You can find a job and no tragedy or situation can get in the way, the only person from stopping us is ourselves. I do believe in me and I know that I will be something better than I am today. I can't be negative because people like that are babies and they just need to grow up and I know that you can achieve anything even though I sometimes pretend you can't. So go for the dreams and do not listen to negative things people say.

raller

2010-03-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people are not what the seem, they are fake and they say things that just make you want to lose it. I really wanted to go on a rant, but people are people and we have to learn how to work with others. A lot of people get on my nerves because they just seem gooberish and fake, but I should look at the good they do and how they are trying to do what is right. I think people in the country and in the world should look at the good people are trying to do. Sometimes at work I get to hear people rant on how they hate certain leaders in this world. You know, you can't control what happens or the decisions they make, but you can control how you respond or act. People think the world is going to fall apart, but I don't think it is going to fall. There will be natural disasters, wars, and maybe other things that can cause turmoil. We still have to move forward and we can't worry what could or may happen. We have to do what we know now and move forward. The world is not going to end and it is still a wonderful place to live in. If we worry about the negative then we will become insane. We have to realize that as long as there is good, we will never fall. I believe that because there is good in this world and most people in this world do things because they believe in the good and they are not bad people. I think people need to realize that and that they are at least trying to change. That is what I have realized, people do not like change, people often like things the way they are. I have learned in my own life that we have to have change in order to reach our full potential. If we never change, then we never progress and we never could have helped those people that needed our help. I really think that is the purpose of life, to help people and to try and make the world a better place. I think it is a great place to live and we should look at the good and not the bad. My whole life I have always dwelt on the bad and that is not a good way to live because it ruins you and it puts you in a rut. I have realized that I should dwell on the good and I think the world may be changing and things are happening, but we should not fear because if we believe in God, then we should know that he will never let us fail. We will have shortcomings, but if we keep trying we will reach our potential in this life. I also realized that we should look on the good people do. People do things that will always make us mad or hurt us, but we should look on what they have done and how they made the world a better place.

green

2010-03-17T06:13:00.001-07:00

People say it always works out, but sometimes that is not true. It is a bunch of $#!), and I don't feel sorry for saying that because experiences in my life have made me think that way. We don't get what we want, we often have to taste failure and it's not a good feeling. I have tasted it too often and it is sad that things do not work out. They say if you do all the right things everything falls into place, but I am a skeptic and don't believe that all the time because I do what is right yet nothing falls into place. It is sad because you wanted to get what you wanted, yet you got failure and bitter thoughts why you. I often wonder why things don't seem to work out for me. It is sad because I don't want to keep doing the same thing over and over again. I wanted to move, yet it seems that I will be stuck in a rut for a little longer and that is sad. It is sad because you wanted more and you thought you were good at what you do, but nobody believed in you. You may wonder what I am even talking about, but it is not that hard to figure out. I am talking about my last thing I have to do in school and that is a big internship and nothing has worked out. It looks bleak and I don't know if it will work out. I had a dream to graduate in the summer, yet the companies I wanted to work for don't want me. I guess that is my life story when I think about it. I never got my first choice of where I wanted to work, I always had to go to places that were not my dream. So these experiences have made me cynical because doing the right thing does not mean you will get the promotion or the dream job. I am not trying to be negative, but that is how I feel. It seems like no one has ever wanted me and so that has made me who I am today. I want to prove all those people wrong who did not hire me or believe in me. I know I can be anything I want to be, yet these people only see one thing and they don't look at the potential somebody has. I have a lot of potential, people don't want to roll the dice on me. My goal is to be a graphic designer, yet people don't believe in me. They should realize that everything I have done in graphic design is by myself. I have no teacher, I just have me and it is sad that no realizes how hard I work because I learned from working hard and being creative. It is sad that I can't seem to find my dream internship, I want to do graphic design or web design, but nobody believes in me or they are too lazy to even respond back to me. It is sad because they say if you live right and do what is right, things will go your way, but for me they have not and I don't see anything improving. All I wanted was to achieve my dreams and graduate in the summer, but right now it looks like another setback and I have to stop and stare and wonder what went wrong. I will never give up my dreams because I know I am good at whatever I want to be and that is the same with everybody. You can be what you want to be, it might not work out at first, but you have to keep trying and sometimes people don't believe in you, but that is life. You can't worry what other people think, you have to believe in you and if you do, you can get to where you want to be.

2010-03-09T07:33:00.000-08:00

I am a quiet kid sometimes and I watch people because that is what you do when you are shy. I know some people may not believe that I am shy, but I am. It's not easy, but that is a story for another day. I often observe people with what they say and what they do. I don't know why, I just do and sometimes it gets on my nerves because people say certain things yet they don't do them. It has made me mad sometimes or even shocked sometimes to see what people do.

However, I realized we should not look at the bad people do, we should look at the good things people do. Nobody is perfect and that is what I have to realize that sometimes people I looked up at are not perfect. I should look on the good things they do. I have and I realize that they are good people and that just like them I am not perfect. I shouldn't worry about other people, I think the best thing is to worry about me. I still need to help people, but I should not look on the things they don't do.

It is hard to look at the good in all things because of what goes on in the world today. You wonder if everything is all a coincidence or is it just the end of the world. I guess I should not worry about things I can't control. I should worry about the things I can do. I can do lots of things and I think the most important thing is he help and motivate others. I meet people and I think they are great and yet they say things that bring them down. I feel for them because I do that at times, but I know I am a great kid and I need to let these people know what I think of them. We do need to let people know what we think of them or see in them. I don't do a great job of that because I am quiet and I don't really like expressing my true thoughts. I try to be funny instead, but I realize there is nothing wrong with expressing to someone what you see in them.

I see a lot of things and sometimes I choose to react negative or cynical and I do that sometimes just to get on people's nerves. I am sorry for that because life is not to be endured, life is supposed to be enjoyed and I need to look in the good in life. Even if crazy things happen in the world today we can't quit. We still have to keep living and hoping that one day it will all work out. I know all things will work out in the end because if you do what is right, good things always come your way. They may not at first, but you have to keep pushing along because that is what life is all about. It's about never quitting and going for your hopes and dreams. Peace out!

Hi

2010-02-22T19:56:00.000-08:00

It comes to the point where you sick of it all. You realize what you decided to do was a stupid decision and it does not get you to where you want to be. Your back to the person you once were, a procrastinator and person who never sees the good only the bad. You come to the realization that some of you dreams will always be dreams and never the reality you wanted them to be. I am not trying to be down, but I feel like I have failed and it is my fault. How can you be happy when you always think like that. You know what you should of done, but did not do it and it bothers you. I said to myself that I would be somewhere better than I am today and yet I am nowhere. Just in that same rut of a life where you wake up realize what a waste. You know you could of done better, but fear got in the way. People may wonder why I would be so open and write about my true feelings. The reason why is because I have nobody so I don't really care and if you read this now you know what I really think. It is irrational thinking, but how can you improve, when you go nowhere? It's like you hit the wall and are barley able to keep on going. I realized that today when I was running. It hurts and yet I still keep going and that is my life, it hurts, but I still have to move, but sometimes it is so hard and yet no one cares. I realize it is my fault for my shortcomings, but you wish you could get help, but no one is there. I have been thinking like that for years and I don't really see any hope on the horizon. All of my hard work has gotten me nowhere, but it is my fault and so I have no one to blame. I should be something by now and yet I am still the same. I am a good kid, but that does not mean your life improves. For me it just has been more frustrating. You see people you care for and yet you can't tell them how you really think because you just can't get the courage and so they move on without you. Then you stay in your shell and never get out and that is the worst feeling of all and I hope I'll get out, but who knows if I will. I have being saying for years and I guess I just have to keep pushing along, even though it hurts. Kind of like in running it hurts so bad, yet you keep on moving because you hope it will get better. I don't know if it ever will, it is 2010 and I am still the same. I am almost done with a degree I hate and what will I do after that? Who knows, but I know probably the same garbage and garbage I hate because I fear. Fear has ruined my life. My self doubt and never good enough ruined me and maybe that is why I am where I am today because of me. Not because of someone else, no, I am the reason for where I am today and it is sad because people say you should be happy in your twenties, but I'm not. It is just a routine and you wish it would change, but it has not. So I beat myself up and say I am never good enough for anything until I make it. Yet what is making it? I don't know, I thought it was finishing school, but that is not true at all. My schooling career has ruined me. It has made me hate life even more, everyone is you competition and it is all about making money. I am not like that, no I am not like that. I want to help people and change their lives and that is my dream, but no one ever gives me opportunities to do that, so I guess I have to do it on my own. It is dark and cold and maybe one day I'll get to the light and realized it was worth it, but I don't know if that day will ever come because I make life so hard. It is not joyous anymore, it is a rut and it is awful and it is the worst feeling in the world. Maybe one day I'll heal and overcome and when I do I will be an example and not use my success for my own gain. I truly want to help people reach their destiny and if I do that it does not really matter what I did or became in this life.

To the people who actually know me and read this, I am sorry you have to read this, but this is my blog and this is how I truly feel. I can't keep my thoughts in all the time because if I did I would go nuts. So this is my outlet and I hope nobody reads my blog, but if you do I hope you know that I do have hope and even though it may all seem lost it will get better. Sometimes it takes some people longer to get to where they want to be. Some people have different problems or trials. I guess this is mine, I have to overcome those thoughts of not being good and realize that I am great. I truly believe that in this life we are supposed to help people and if I never helped you in you life I am sorry because I do feel bad when I don't do things, when I known I should have. The world would be a different place if we helped people and maybe if we do that ourselves, we can change the world and make it a better place. So help people and it never has to be big. Great things are always done through small things and if we do that we can make a difference. I know that, even though I may be down a lot, but I still have to help people because that is how I truly feel. I could have the worst life ever, but I still need to help others because people need help to. This thought always goes through my mind when I am at school, church, or work. People need my help and I can help them or make them feel like they belong. If I do, I will forget about me for a second and realize if I do fail, it is not so bad. We can always change and sometimes it may take a longer, but life is like running a race, we just have to go at our own pace to get to our destination. My destination is to grow up and become an adult because that is the purpose of life. It is to experience joy and that is what I want and if I don't achieve that, then I can't quit. I got to do the things I have been taught and believe that everything will become what it was supposed to be. So never give up even when your are in the darkest of times because you are not alone. There is someone always watching over you and they won't let you fail if you do what is right. Who is that person it is God. He is there, he is aware, even though we may think he is not. He is there and he knows everything about us. He does not want us to fail and he can make us whole and complete. We just have to have faith he can and when we realize that we can become complete, we can achieve our dreams and reach our full potential.

2010-02-21T10:25:00.000-08:00

It is all meaningless when you do what you hate. It is the truth and trying to please others is not worth it either. It just makes you more frustrated and you lose thoughts and emotions and become a machine. Your thoughts of good just become thoughts of emptiness, sorrow, and darkness. You wonder what you did wrong, but you really did nothing wrong and you think whatever people say or you learn is not true. People may say you choose the way you want to react, but sometimes things just don't work out and it can be devastating. Most people don't think about that, because they are all into themselves and yet they think they know what they are saying. Maybe people should observe before they say things to people because they don't know where that person is coming from.

I realized it is all meaningless years ago. I wasted my life for stupid things and it just made me frustrated and people tell me that I chose the way I want to react to situations. However, it is kind of hard to be positive when nothing sparks or you have anything that you would consider progression. I often feel thoughts of isolation, actually I do all the time because I don't believe that things work out happily ever after. I have hope, but it can be shattered in a few seconds because of the things I observe from other people. Sometimes good people have problems and they don't deserve it and you wonder why they do, but it is just part of life. That is just stupid sometimes because people need help and they say you can do it by yourself. I realize I can't but there is no one there to help me. I have helped myself and I really do feel that way. People are fake, especially the people who say they are your friends and would never be there for you when you needed them. I guess it's okay because we are all competition and why would you want to help someone. I not a freak, I am just a kid who has been on the outside and wanting to come on the inside for a long time.

However, those things have not happened. I played second fiddle for people and been used and that makes me mad, but when you do nothing socially you will go anyways because you can't bare the thought of being alone. No one wants to be alone, but I am and I never see it changing. I don't meet the girls of my dreams. The ones I meet are fake and they just pretend they were your friend. I guess that is life, to feel despair and hopeless. To see everyone else move forward while you are just staring down at the valley after a run on a Friday night and wondering why. You did the right things, but you realize you must not be good enough. These thoughts are what I feel when I run. You wished it could get better, but it doesn't the thoughts of failing go through you mind and you wonder why, but you put a fake face on so on one can tell. I am good, but I guess in socializing; I am not because my experiences have never been good. The friends I once had all left and the girls of my dreams turn out to be fake and they just play you. The girls I actually like move on without you and it makes you mad because you know you are a great person, but yet they settle. That is what a lot of people do in life they settle and they say it's okay. There is no way in hell I am going to settle because my whole life I have had doubters in things I have done.

So I am going to be something because I have been hurt and when you have been hurt you want to become better because you feel like no one believed in you. If when I do find the right people and the girl that believes in me, I will never fail them because they believed in me and saw my potential. That is what we should do for everyone even though they may hate us. Say those things that might make them inspired and never tell them they can't because if you do they could be down and out and I sure could not do that to someone. I know things do work out, but can they can take years. Just never let go, even when you are at the point of quitting. I don't know if it will work out for me, but I sure hope it does and if I do make I can't become cocky. No, I have to use my success and show how anyone can achieve their dreams and desires.

2010-02-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

I am often lucky enough to here people talk about what they do for a career and how they made it. Actually I am not lucky enough, I am annoyed because I don't really care what they did or how they became what they are. To me work will always be lame and that may seem negative, but it just gets to the point where you get sick of it all. I am from two worlds because when you go to college it is all about making money and then when I do to the other parts of my life, like church, you are supposed to help people. Yet in college I feel like everyone is my competition and they are not my friends. I am only there for me and not for them and it seems kind of bad to feel that way, but that is what I have been taught in my collegiate career. Why would I want someone to better than me on a art project or a poster I created. I am sorry, I want to be the best and I will do whatever it takes to show them up. I really feel bad that I think this way, but I feel like no one has ever believed in me. So I don't really care if people fail or not. I know I should not be like that, but it is kind of hard especially in this world. Especially when there is no one there to encourage you or be you friend. I reflect on my college career and I hated it. It was never fun, no one really said a word to me. People really never helped me and when I was in groups they never believed in me. So I isolated myself and that is not good because it makes you not complete. People say I should be glad that I am almost done with school, yet I am not, I feel like it has been a complete waste because I did not really do what I wanted to do. It took me years to decide on a major. It is hard to do what you want to do when no one really believes in you, I mean nobody has ever really encouraged me. All I have been told to do is that finish college and the doors will open. Yet to me they still seem closed and that is why I don't care when people come and talk to my classes and say how they made it.

Money does not mean you made it and I like money, but it is not the most important thing in this life. It is important to make money to take care of yourself and family, but I have learned that working your life away for a company is never worth it. I worked four years at my current job and they don't really care about me. I worked hard, but I have learned it doesn't matter and it is time go somewhere else. Even though I have down times in life, I still know in my mind and heart that I should be helping people. I watch and observe people and there are times when I just ignore them because I think why should I care, if no one really cares about me. I know I should not be like that and I should help people even though I may dislike them . That is the true meaning of success. You think of everything people do and you realize that the people that are happy are the ones who go above and beyond and help others. I don't see that today in college, but I can do my part. No job will truly bring you happiness and that is my own opinion. If you want to be the best you have to waste hours on hours to get to where you want to be and then there are times when you get there and you wonder if it was worth it or not. You will lose your families and friends and even the most important times of you life when you work for something you want real bad. Everything has a price and the thought is are we willing to pay for it? I don't know what I want to be, but I do like creating and making things look better in art because that is my passion. I like when other people enjoy something I created because it makes me happy and that is how God feels when we help others for the right reasons. It makes him smile because we went the extra mile. I know that I need to help others all the time even when I am down and in the dumps because everyone has their own gifts and we can use those gifts to help people reach their full potential. If we forget about ourselves, one day things will work out and the despairs and failures will come to an end and those feelings will turn into hope. Eventually those dreams and hopes will turn into reality. However, we don't have to be a baller or a raller to help people. No, you can be anything and that is the greatest thing about helping others because anyone can do it. If people realized that, think of how great the world would be. We often sell ourselves short and believe we can't make a difference, but everyone can because everyone is like a snowflake. They are all different, but when they come together they can create something that is beautiful.

Peace out any maybe one day I will realize my full potential

Jazz

2010-02-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we don't get what we want. Sometimes we fail and it takes longer to get to where we want to be. Then there are times when we look at other people and compare ourselves and sell ourselves short because we think we are not good enough. Then there are times when we want more and we know we can do more, but no one believes in us. Then there are times when you see people you loved, liked, and care for move on without you.

These things can make us fall and never want to get up, but that is part of life. We have trials and setbacks because they make us better. They makes us better because you realize that it's not so bad and that one day it will all come together. That is the hardest thing to believe in sometimes because if nothing changes you might lose hope. It is hard to focus ,but the best thing to do is focus on others and then you will realize it's not so bad and there will be light at the end.

I often get discouraged, but I have to realize that is life and sometimes it is not fun. I guess these things have made me grow, even though I see nothing. I have learned that and been taught that when we are down, we should help other people. I realized this the other day. I saw a Valentines Day commercial and it's all about the person you love. Then I thought what about all those people who are sad and down. We need to show them that we care and that someone is aware of them.

Valentines Day is about love, but love is not always what you think. There is love for another person, but there is also a love called caring. That is what I realized I need to do because I was just in one of my moments when I realized why I hate Valentines Day. I have no girlfriend and to me it's just a stupid holiday. Then I realized we can show other people that we care by doing small things for them. I do not know what I will do, but I think I need to be more aware of other people's feelings. We often focus on our own problems and yet there are people who need help. They may not show it on the outside, but on the inside they do. That is the purpose of life. I have written about it before, but showing people you are aware and care is one of the greatest things someone can do. I realize I need to do better and hopefully I will. You don't have to be rich or something great to show that you care. No, you can show how you care be treating people with kindness and helping them reach their destiny.

For me it is hard because I don't truly express to people how I really care. I guess I should thank them or do something nice for them. It is hard sometimes to express you feelings, but I think if you do, people will be shocked and realize the real you. I think if we help others we will move forward as well. There will be setbacks as you move forward, but that is the part of this life. It is to be tested and see if we will last to the end. I have been frustrated as of late, but I can't quit. I have to keep moving and if I do, I'll realize if it was worth it or not.

Ever After

2010-02-09T19:43:00.000-08:00

I see and yet I see myself and where have I gone? Nowhere, it really hurts and who cares because we all fail. Most people don't, I have. I see goobs move forward and other people that are annoying and that is sad. It's ***** and that is all I can say. I don't really believe in friends either, there is no such thing and people who say they are your friends are really not. It's kind of like facebook, they are only there for you when they need you. I don't believe in friends because of my experiences in life. I will admit I have been a crappy friend at times, but who cares they got to move on in life and they did not need me. I needed people at times, but they forgotten me and I don't care anymore because you get in the rut and you just say it's okay, even though it is not. The real me does not see it ever changing and that is my own fault, but who cares because everyone has problems.

I also don't really believe that there is someone out there for me as well. I know people say all the BS about just keep trying and it will all work out. I am sorry, but I have worked hard in life and all I have seen is goob people get the girls and yet I'm on the pine getting splinters. It is my fault and that is what everyone will tell me. There comes a time in you life when you need help, but there is no one there to reach for you. So these experiences make me not care. There are times when I am at work I don't care because I don't give a crap about them because of all the stuff that goes through my mind. They enjoy life, while I waste my life doing crap for what? I don't know anymore, I thought doing all these things like going to college and doing what is right would improve your life. Mine has not, I meet people, but that is not what I want. I want to meet people that are into me. Like girls, I am tired of meeting girls that are just dumb. I don't really meet a lot because I am shy and that will never change either. I say it will happen, but is still has not. I am no ugly man, it's just I can't open up when I am around people. I'm sorry, that is not who I am. So I try to be funny, but being funny is overrated at times. I have come to the realization I will never meet any girl that is really into me. I meet phonies and girls that are just lame. I'm sorry I don't want to play stupid games with a girl. I just want to meet a girl that likes me and I like her and take it on from there.

I usually end up meeting girls that are in relationships or say they are dating someone. All I have to say to that is leave me alone. Sometimes you meet these people and they are weird and you want to ask them why they are not married if they have been together for such a long time. I am not trying to be rude, but if I found a girl I was into, I sure won't waste my time trying to figure out if it is right. There comes a time when you realize it is right and you just take it from there. I am sorry, but I feel like people in this world have to make it so hard. If you found someone that you know you love, then why not get married. That is all I have, I am tired of seeing people that have been together forever and do nothing about it. It just makes no sense and I don't even know why I care. Maybe because I want to feel what they have. I feel nothing. All I feel is negative, pain, hopeless and the great thing that always sticks in my mind, never good enough.

sometimes

2010-02-08T20:26:00.000-08:00

I often make jokes about people and say people settle for kettle and get cream instead of go for their dreams. Yet I am the one who has settled and wasted time. I chose a major and what do I do, I get to work with people who are obsessed with sports and think they are going to make it big time. That is so lame, but I don't really care about that. I am just frustrated because you say you will do certain things, yet you go back to your old ways. It is kind of hard to move forward when no one believes in you and is there for you. I don't think anyone is there for me and they are more like my competition. I really don't think people believe in me, they often forget about me. The one thing that bothers me is people in my church, I feel like no one has ever believed in me, they always have the same people doing things and they never let anyone else do anything. It gets on my nerves and it makes me anti-social. I do choose to be that way, but it is hard to be social when no one says a thing to you. I feel like people are fake and they say things and yet they never practice what they preach. I think I can do things in my church, yet no one has ever given me chances. I do things, but they are things I have already done and how will doing the same things all the time help me progress and move forward? I guess they don't really care and just like in the working world nobody really cares. It is all about beating each other out for the job and working only for you and not because you want to help change the world. These are thoughts that I think , I don't think I will ever change them because when you don't have experiences that help you grow, you become a cynic. I worked hard my whole life and what have I learned from it? I learned that there are people who take advantage of you and the companies I have worked for don't really care how hard I work. It kind of ruins you because you believed that hard work would get you somewhere, but for me it has not and it is sad. I guess I need to grow up and move on.

That is what I have learned with frustrations we control how we feel and we can decide what we truly want to do. If we don't like something, then we should move on. If my ward does not let me do more, then I should leave. If I hate what I do I have the power to move. We are not trees, we can move. That is one of the hardest things to do because moving forward is scary. People are afraid of change and so they settle and that is what I have done. I have been afraid and I need to realize that I can do anything I want to do and that no one or anything can stop me from reaching my dreams. If you still have the hope in your mind and dreams in your heart, then these things will make you move. Sometimes it takes a little longer to get there, but it will happen in the end. It is not about becoming the greatest in the beginning. That does not determine success, there are people who have done that, however everyone is not the same. I have learned that in my life if I keep taking a little step forward, I'll eventually get to where I am supposed to be. It is hard to think like this especially when you are around people that are cynical and negative because they bring you down. I have been like that too and I realized I should not be like that because nobody likes those kinds of people and I feel bad that I have acted like that. If I keep trying and think I can, good things will happen and they may be different than what we expected , but if we keep moving forward, life will be alright.

I run for Sandy City

2010-01-29T21:46:00.000-08:00

Never give up and when all seems dark just keep moving forward. Life is like running we just have to move forward and sometimes it may seem hard, but we just have to keep moving. Then there are times when we are scared to move and just like in running, we just go a little bit farther and farther. When you do that you realize your potential. For me it has been hard because sometimes things don't go your way. You just want to stop and stay were you are, but I can't and no one should because if you keep moving you will reach your destiny.

What is my destiny?I don't know but I do think life is about helping others and progressing in relationships. That is the purpose of life. I really think that and there are times when we go off the path or have setbacks. These things happen, but we have to move forward and never look back. I see a lot of people and what they do and it is sad because I thought they were great people. They are good, but they just do stupid things. You see people you once knew go off into the deep end. The world would say they are finding themselves. I would disagree. How could you find yourself by drinking, drugs, and doing other things that are just pointless. It is hard for me to see these people what they have become because I used to think they were great. They still are great, they just do dumb things. The world would say it's fun, but I don't think it is. I don't see how wasting you lives doing dumb things like drugs, booze, and worldly stuff is meaningful. Not that is wrong, I just don't get it, to me it seems pointless.

These people have gotten lost and they need help to realize their potential. Sometimes I need to realize my potential, I have often sold myself short because I did not do certain things in life. However, I realized that is not true because if you work hard , you can be anything you want to be. If people judge you for the past then they are fake. I used to worry what people thought of me and sometimes I still do. It has taken me a long time to overcome that. I have realized that you will always be judged and it really does not mean a thing until that person gets to know you.

These things are like setbacks in running, they would try to keep you from moving forward. Sometimes they really destroy you, but you have to keep trying. It is hard sometimes because you don't get what you want or things happen, but I have learned that everything will work out in end. The negative me still has a hard time believing this because I have not gotten everything I want, I guess I just have to keep moving and not think about. It will come one day even though I can't see the end. I have to visualize it and then I'll get there. That is the same in running, when you first start you can't see the end, but in your mind you can and that is the focus while your running. Things may get in the way like injuries or bad weather. However, you keep moving and then you get to the end. You realized it was hard, but it was worth it. So never give up your dreams or hopes of relationships, or any other thing your heart desires because eventually it will happen if you keep moving forward.

Purpose

2010-01-17T07:51:00.000-08:00

Recent events around the world have kept me thinking. I always worry in the first place of bad things that can happen anyways. However, these things that happen make me realize what is really important in life? Does it really matter how much money I made? or does it matter who I helped and what I became? Everything can be taken away in a blink of any eye. I think I need to have priorities of what is important to me. I already know what is important, but sometimes things get in the way. It is important for me to move forward and meet a girl. That is important because that is the purpose of life. It's not the main purpose, but I am pretty sure most people in the world want to get married and have a family of their own. That scares me as well because what if bad things happen when I have kids and a wife. I can't protect them from natural disasters or any other things that can harm people. I should not think about things like that, but how can you not when you see what goes on in the world today. You know something will happen and the thing is will I be ready?I don't know and that is why I have to prepare because we don't know what can happen because the world can change in a blink of an eye. That is why it is important to have your priorities strait because in the end it won't matter what we became. It matters who we helped, who we picked up, and motivated. I believe that and that is the purpose of life. We are here to help others and when we realize that is our purpose then our lives will get better. There is not a better feeling when you help someone you care for or just want to help. Nothing in this world can make you feel that way. They could, but they don't truly last because things like money and possessions are temporal and eventually they don't make you happy. There is a part of me that would say those things make you happy because who does not like possessions. I do, but I have realized none of those things can compare to what I felt when I actually have cared for someone or done something for them. I am not saying that I have to be soldier, doctor, or any other positions that saves lives. I can help people with what I do. I like inspiring people with art. Some of my work it depressing, but that is my expression of certain feelings in my life. However, I think art has the power to inspire people if you use it the right way. Today art most is depressing, but there still is good art that inspires people. I do not have to use art to help people; no I can just do the small things. The small things are the greatest things one can do. I believe in that because sometimes the small things can have a huge impact on someones life. I think they do, even though we may feel that it has done nothing or it was just a waste of time. Most people don't express their true feeling, so we don't know, but I know that the small things do help people. Great things help people as well, but the small things are signs that you really care and it shows the world who you really are. That is what life is about and it is also to be happy. Sometimes it is hard to be happy, but we should look at what have and what we have done and then we realize how blessed we really are. Life is about helping others, how much I would want to argue it, it is true. You get married, you have a family, and you work with people. You may not think you are helping them, however in a sense we are because our purpose is to help them reach their full potential. We are the tools to their success and everyone has potential. The cynics and the cynic in me would say, "why would you want to do that because everyone is our competition." I have realized if we could help everyone realize their full potential the world would be a better place. You think about and it is true because people who do the wrong things were not helped. No one helped them realized who they are and what their potential can be. That is why I need to do that wherever I go work, or whoever I marry or any other person I come in contact with. I am not saying we have to tell everyone in the world what they should be doing. I am just saying that the people we see everyday, we can help them realize what we see in them. The other day this girl I work with she said she can't do sell a certain product because she is not good at it. I told her you can be good at whatever you want to be and I said you never know until you try. That is what we need to do we need to encourage people to get out of their comfort zone and help them reach their full potential and let them become who they were born to be. I realized that in my own life. The people who are successful in life are the ones who keep going. An example is Lebron James. People may not like him, but I do and he said one of the greatest things I ever heard. They asked him if he is afraid to fail and he said no. Lebron went on saying you have to fail in order to have success. That is what I think when it comes down to life. When there is a new job, a scary class, or being more social. We have to realize we can't be afraid to fail because if we don't try we will never know our true potential. That is also what we have to do for other people, we have to let them know that failing is not failing because it helps you learn who your really are.

Inversion

2010-01-08T13:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever come together. I don't know if it ever will. Everything I worked hard for is meaningless when you don't do anything. Status, jobs, and other things don't matter when you do nothing. What I am writing about? I am writing about being normal and socializing. I don't do that, I hang out with people, but it is not fun anymore. There comes a time in your life when you get frustrated and want more. I got a 4.0 last semester, but it is all pointless when you have nothing to look froward to. I just run, work, workout. I have to and it has ruined me. People probably might think I am crazy, but I have to do things like that before I have fun. However, trying to be perfect in all things is not fun, it just makes you more bitter and frustrated. Sometimes it is my fault because I don't try and go out of my comfort zone. However, when you don't really have friends you hang out with all the time, it is hard to come back to where you once were. I want more in this life and that is all am saying. I want to date, I don't care about seeing my old friends, I just want to meet a girl and move forward with that person I like. This sounds kind of lame coming from me because I don't really express to people how I really feel. That is how I really feel and that is what life is. It is meeting someone you like and then maybe one day you will marry that person. I know if I were to get married I would have to grow up and be more mature, but that is a reason to grow up. People say it is fun doing whatever you want and being single. It is not, it is, but for me it hasn't. My single days just consist of doing nothing, so I don't really care about being a bachelor or partying it up. I want to meet someone and get married one day. I think everyone does deep down inside even if they won't admit it. Who would want to be alone, it is horrible and I feel bad for those people who are alone because I've been alone and it is not fun. I think when you are with someone you have more power, more focus, and a greater desire to succeed. That is how I feel because if I ever do get married, I can not be a failure because that is who I am. People might see me as laid back, but I am not I am always striving to work harder because hard work has gotten me to where I am today. I still have to keep working to get to where I need to be. I don't know why I am talking about relationships, but I think about it a lot and I hope one day I'll meet that girl I want to marry. Nothing else in this life matters besides that because everything else if fake. I can waste my whole life working trying to become the greatest, but in the end it won't bring me happiness. Some people may say that being married will not bring you happiness either because eventually you will get sick of each other. I won't be like that because I believe that being with someone you love is probably the greatest feeling in the world and that is why it is important to marry the right person. Maybe one day I'll know, but the negative me does not see any change coming anytime soon because I have to spend most of my time right now with school, work, running, and working out. I hope this will be the year I get out of my anti-social ways and meet people and maybe even one day getting married. I realized I have to do in order to achieve these wants and I wish I could have the power to stop being so anti-social. However, it is hard to break old habits when you are in a comfort zone and in a rut.

look

2010-01-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

I know that people read this blog and I know that some people in my family read this blog. I really don't want people to read this because this is how I really feel sometimes and I don't really want people to know how I really feel. I created this blog for a school, but I still kept writing because it's kind of like a journal, but not really. Anyways, I have realized why should I worry what other people think because it does not matter what they think, they don't truly know me. I learned that because I have always been concerned that people might judge me. Then someone told me once that you will always be judged, but that does not mean those things are true because they don't really know you. If you read this and judge me about what I say and write I can't worry because you don't really know who I am. We are always going to be judged for everything we do by others, but that does not mean we can't accomplish anything. I realized in life we can do anything and we can't worry about what other people may say. We just have to work for what we want and sometimes we might have to work a little harder for the things we want in the life. Hard work is the key to success, that is what I have learned and if you put forth the effort eventually you will reach your goals, hopes, and dreams. Life is about doing and not about thinking.

Life is also about helping others as well. I have written about that before, but that is the main purpose of life. It is to help others. If you think about it, everything we do is helping others. I am talking about careers or jobs or any other ways we are in contact with people. I don't know if I truly helped someone, but we are helping people in one form of another. If you think about it, it is true. Even the most stupid things help people in some way or another. An example would be movies. They don't cure people, but they help people get away from reality for a short time. Even where I work I am helping people. I don't know if it is great what I am doing, but these small things are helping people in their lives. That is why I realized I need to be more patient sometimes because some of these people we meet have problems of their own and if we are not nice to them, we could make them feel worse or even offend them. I need to work on those kinds of things. It is weird that I observe these kind of things, but that is who I am. I often think a lot and observe a lot because that is just who I am.

work harder do it faster

2009-12-30T18:18:00.000-08:00

People say I have potential and I have done a lot, but I still do not care because I have not done anything in my opinion. Someone the other day was telling me how I have done a lot because I am almost done with school. I am, but that does not mean a thing. I need to be somewhere when I graduate, I need a real job when I am done, but who knows if I will get a real job. My job I have know is real, but it is just a part time job that you can't go anywhere with. You could be in management, but I have no desire to do that. The only thing I would ever want to do for the company I work for, is design their website, but it would be kind of boring because they tell you how they want their site. Anyways I have gone nowhere it it makes me mad. It is my fault, you get comfortable and then you settle or get scared. I need a change and I hope that it will happen because I don't want to be at my current job any longer and I want to be done with school as soon as possible. It does not mean that my life will get better once I do move forward in work and school. I have to do my part and I feel like I have not and so I have to keep moving. I don't want to be like those people who just play around. I want to grow up. I want to know what it's like to live. Growing up is not living, it is just part of progression and I feel that I have not progressed at all. I have done the exact same thing and that is sad because I need to experience life and not worry. I always worry and I don't know if I will ever stop because that is who I am. Worrying has ruined me as well, it has prevented me from moving forward in life. I see people that I know enjoy life and have fun. It makes me mad because I have worked so hard, but I am the reason for being the way I am. No one is responsible for my shortcomings, only me. I am not trying to be negative, but it is true. I could use an excuse for everything, but excuses are an easy way out. I can not be like that and I am the person who has something to prove. That is another thing that bothers me. I feel like the whole world is against me and that everyone wants me to fail. I think like that because I lost my friends and other experiences in my life make me feel this way. So sometimes I am a jerk to people because I feel like they have something against me and they don't like me. This thinking has ruined me as well because it makes you antisocial. Nobody wants to be antisocial, it is not fun and it sucks. I was social and maybe one day I'll become social again.

2009

2009-12-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

They say you should reflect on the good and see how far you improved. I think that is fake because you have to look on the things you did not accomplish. I am not one of those people who sets goal or writes a bunch of crap down . I am the person who says I'll do it and I'll do it. You can write stuff down, but it does not mean you will accomplish your goals. I say a lot of things I'll do, but never do. I always say I'll get out of my current job for a better job. I do say that, yet I have not followed through. I have been there for four years and counting and it is time for me to move on, yet I have done nothing to move on. I have gotten so busy with school, running, working out and work; Yet I have procrastinated and it makes me mad because I need to leave. It is not a bad place where I work, it's just time for me to move forward in life. That is one thing I don't think I have accomplished in 2009. I workout and run, I will also finish school, but I have not had any big changes. I have hope, but you have to do rather than hope. I have to move forward in work, college and even sports. When you don't move forward you get stuck in a rut. You become negative and accuse everyone else for your failures. I don't really accuse people for my failures, but it is my fault for not moving forward in the direction I want to go. I have to and that is my plan to move forward. It is not because I am trying to impress a certain girl or anything, I have to impress myself because I am my hardest critic. I think we all are hard on ourselves, but we have to be because if we are not, then we will settle. I don't want to settle, there is so much more to life, than settling for a job, a career, or any other things that people say it is okay. I feel like I always have to be moving forward and can not think it is okay because that is when you fall. I do want to make money and work a career that is actually useful. I do want money, not because of status, just so I can live and take care of myself and family. That is what life is about and people may say it is not, but it is. So I do have to keep moving and not look back or worry because that is when you fail.

2009-12-15T18:55:00.000-08:00

They say life is supposed to be enjoyed not endured. I don't believe that because it just sucks. I am sick of it all. I work, go to school, and then I have to go do other things such as workout, but other than that life just is pointless. I am not looking forward to the end of my college career. It's easy, but I don't want to do it because I hate it. I think college is overrated. I went because I am supposed to and look where that has got me nowhere. I hate my major and I want to leave and do something productive in life. I hate all those people in my major, they are annoying who need to get a life. Especially the people in my emphasis, I am in the sports management emphasis and these people are obsessed with working with sports. I'm not, I just want to get out of college. I think working for sports is dumb; the only thing I would ever do for a sport company is their graphic design work. However, that can be annoying as well because I am an art technology minor and those people get on my nerves as well. Lots of people get on my nerves and maybe it is because I am jealous. I am jealous of some because I see what they have and do. while I just work and then I have to workout because I have too. I am jealous because they have fun and play, but all I do is worry whether or not I'll have money for school or if I'll be able to pump iron at the gym.

I think life is endured and not enjoyed, I lost all the joy years ago and I don't see any improvements in the near future. I had the hope, but it got shatterd and now I have become something I should never be and that is negative. It's not good being negative, but that is what happened, I don't look at the good only the bad, I wish one day It would get better, but it does not seem likely. There it goes again a negative thought and I'm not being funny. I am funny, but this is true and it has to stop.

Huh

2009-12-10T16:16:00.000-08:00

I read people facebook status updates and there are times I want to respond, but I don't because I don't want to offend them or hurt their feelings. Today, a person wrote that the truly educated never graduate. I think that is stupid because people who say that are quitters and they will come up with an excuse with why they did not finish. I have realized that anyone can go to school and graduate. Some people say that college is not for everyone. That is also a lie because anyone can do anything as long as they believe in themselves.College may be difficult at times, but if you try you will succeed. If you never believe you can, then you never will. I use to think like that . I would think that I am not smart enough to finish school or not talented enough. That is a bunch of crap because anyone can do anything, as long as you put your mind to it. Things may get in the way to prevent you from finishing,but if you try you will accomplish. I have learned that while I have been in school. I would always sell myself short because people know more or were better than me. That does not mean they will be more successful. What determines success is hard work. Talent can get you so far, but you have to have a good work ethic to rise above. I believe in that and sometimes it may seem pointless to try and work hard, but in the end it will work out. I think they will, but if they don't work out I guess that is life and life is not easy at times. It is what we make of it and if we do our part and help people then things will work out for our benefit. I don't know if I can believe this at all times, but I know that if I never try these things like finishing school and helping others I'll never know. If we never try then we will never reach our full potential.

I can relate to Walle, I just wanted to be loved or in love.

2009-12-05T00:19:00.000-08:00

I read someones status update the other day on facebook and they said they felt alone. I did not believe they truly felt alone because they don't know what it is like. They are married and they have lots of friends that are real. They don't know what it is like to be alone. I feel alone all the time, even though I am around people . It sucks and I don't know if it will ever get better. I am alone and yet people think I am some social kid. I laugh at that because I do nothing. I just sit at my house on weekends and wondered what the hell did I do to deserve this. They don't know what it's like to go to church and feel alone. I do and I hate it, it makes me hate people more sometimes. I try to befriend people, but it is not easy and it is not fun going to church activities alone. I feel like an outsider there, even though I have been there for a year. I don't like my ward because I don't belong and all my so called "friends" don't go to the church activities because they have girlfriends and they think that the girls in my ward are not that cute.

There are actually cute girls there, but I don't really have my heart set on those girls. I do have my heart set on some girls, but I never do anything about it. It is sad that I don't, but when you don't do anything social for years and do not really date. You have negative thoughts about yourself and it destroys you. I think these girls I want to date are so great and I wonder why would they be interested in me. This is what goes in my mind and so I am alone because I don't believe I belong anywhere. It has gone on for years and I don't know if I'll ever overcome this thought process.

I'm not alone in reality, but my feelings are alone and it is not good to have. There is nothing to look forward to anymore. I am in a rut and I don't think it will change. I have changed in good ways, but they have not helped me in my social life. That is sad because I think you need to be social. It makes life better and it makes you more balanced. I don't do anything anymore, I just work, go to school, run, and workout. Then I go to bed because I have nothing to do. It hurts, but you get used to it after awhile.

I do know what people feel like when they say they are alone. It hurts and it destroys you. It makes you feel less of a person and sometimes it makes you hate people more. I think before I act and I see people that are alone and I want to help them because I felt it and still do. I will do my part in making people feel like they belong. I wished I would of written something to that person that made that comment on facebook. I didn't because it is hard for me to say what I really want to say. I should have and I'll try my best next time to help someone not feel alone. That is the purpose of life to help people. I have learned it does not have to be something big. It can be just saying hi or holding a door for someone that has a kid in their had, or helping someone to their car. These are the small things and I don't know if it changed their life. It helped me because I know in my mind I was helping them out and I was paying attention to their needs.

That is another thing, I pay attention to a lot of people and yet they don't even remember me. People say it does not hurt, but deep down inside it hurts. It makes you realize that people don't really care about you. The other day I was at church activity for my ward. This one person asked me for their help and I've met them before and yet they could not remember my name. I'm not offended, however it just made me realize people don't think about me. I am just a number and nothing else. That sad thing is I know a lot about this person. I remembered their name and what they do for a job. I even knew their relationship status. That is why I think it's sad, I pay attention to people and yet they don't remember me. I should get used to it because I was never anything special. I think I'm cool, but I don't think people like me. They seem fake and I guess they are not really my friends.

For me, it just makes me think I am never good enough and that nothing will ever improve. I am not trying to be negative, but I am saying I don't improve in socializing or things that give you passion. I don't think it is wrong to want those things. People say it's my fault. It is, but it's not easy to go invite yourself with people especially when you have thoughts that you are never good enough. I am good enough in my mind, but I don't feel good enough to belong.So I have gone on for years hoping that it would get better. It doesn't and it just makes me more down and I also become more negative. One day I hope it will all change, but I don't know if it ever will because I've been saying for years it would change and I'm here right now and everything is still the same.

What up

2009-11-28T23:15:00.000-08:00

I always wonder why people here in Utah get so excited about the BYU/Utah rivalry game. I think it is stupid. I don't get anything for winning and it is just a game. I used to go to the Utah football games as a member of the Muss and I think those fans are annoying. What people say and what they do annoys me, so I rather watch a game at my house. I am pretty sure some BYU fans are annoying too. I think these people need to get a life and find better things to do. I know it's fun, but some people take this rivalry too serious. People say to me that I should repent because I go to the U of U. I know they are joking, but those jokes get old after awhile. The University of Utah is a great school, but I am not a hardcore fan. I don't really care who wins because it does not improve my life.

That is what I was thinking about yesterday and today. We focus our attention on stupid things like sports and other things that waste time. I was thinking about that last night when I was at an LDS temple. I have realized sometimes we focus on things that are not of great importance. I like sports, however watching games have done nothing for me, but pass time. There is more to life than sports. I will still do things like run and workout because that is important to me and it is a good habit to have. Anyways, I was thinking about this stuff and I realized if I spent time on the important things, maybe life could be different. I don't think we should beat ourselves up for not doing the most important things, but we should realize that some things are better to do than other things.

I don't care about the BYU/Utah game;for me it just passes time. I rather do other things such as run, workout, or even date. I think it is lame that some guys choose watching a game over their girlfriends. I know that sounds cheesy, but I would be with my girl over sports any day. I have no girl, but if I did, I rather be with her. Once I do find that girl, I hope that we can spend lots of time together, because that is what life is about. Finding someone you love and moving forward in life with that person. That is more important than a game. These are the things I should be focusing on. I could also be studying, but sometimes pointless things like games, facebook, and random things get in the way. We can't focus on the negatives of what we could have done, however we should look on the positives on what we have done and move forward. That is what I have observed the past few days. I have observed that we can't dwell on the past because it has happened already.We just need to focus on the future and never look back.

Never good enough

2009-11-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

Whatever you do, it is never good enough. There is always somebody better and no matter how hard you try it is never good enough. This is how I think and you may see me and think I am a great, but you don't know me. No one knows me, I don't think anyone gives a crap what happens to me. I really believe that because I have no friends and no one in the church believes in me or is there for me. I'm there for people, but that does not mean crap. I hate everything, there is nothing to look forward to, just darkness and despair. You wished someone would notice you, but they don't because people are fake. I'm fake, but I do notice people and what they do. I watch people because I am shy and that is what you do to pass time when you don't socialize. I know so much about people they would be shocked. I know what kind of cars people drive and I know other things about people, like if they are single or not. I watch people and I can tell when they are sad and I feel bad because I know what it is like. I observe lots of things. I observe the girls I used to talk to and like. I see them and I wonder if they remember me, but they probably don't because they don't care. I want to talk, but my thoughts of never being good enough gets in the way. I do think like that and it's no joke. It has ruined me and I have regressed. Why would someone think like that? When you don't do anything , have no friends, and do the same thing over and over, that is when you start to believe in things like that. I wish I could come out of my shell and enjoy life, but those thoughts destroy me and I know that it won't get better. I have been hoping for years and it has not ever gotten better. I do stupid things to get noticed, like make videos or say smart A$$ comments. I just want attention and want to progress and that is why you do those things. So people won't forget about you, but they have. My friends have and I hate them. I want them to feel what I feel, pain, emptiness, and the thoughts that everyone is better than you.
It is not fun . I am an observer because I am shy and I hope one day I'll stop, but it never seems to be getting better. Nothing seems better, I would have to say life sucks. It is empty there is nothing to look forward to, just being alone and that is awful. I hide it, so people can't tell, but deep down inside all the passion I once had, has now gone away. Now it's about doing the same rut over and over and which is not fun. I just get injured worse and more depressed. I get injured from running and that sucks because I can't recover, but I can't quit. I am sick, but I can't stop. You see, running is the only thing I have and without it I don't know what I do. It becomes your life and that is sad because there is so much more to life then running everyday and trying to be perfect. I wish I could come back, but it has been years and I have not improved. I do the right things in life, but that makes life suck as well. I guess the church was never there for me and I feel like they never will. They say they care about you, but they don't, no one does and that is how I really think. I do what I am supposed to and it never gets better. It hurts and you want to tell people how bad you hurt, but you can't. You have to be fake. Doing the right things have made a bigger loner and that is so sad. You can't progress and that is sad, you wish someone was there to pick you up, but there is no one. So you have to pull yourself up and when you do, it is still not better. I never done crap and I am in my twenties. I am talking abut progressing. School and work don't count. It is all meaningless when you do nothing like date, socialize, and move forward. That is my dream to know what it's like to date and move forward and I don't care what anyone else says because that is all life is about. It is about finding someone that gives you passion and making you complete. It is about helping others and feeling like you belong in society. I don't feel any of this and yet I do help others, but don't date. I want to date, but the thoughts get in the way and so I stay in a shell and a rut. I hope one day it will get better, but I have been hoping for years and I see no end in sight.

The real me

2009-11-09T19:21:00.000-08:00

I have a deep passion for running. It’s the only thing I look forward to doing everyday. I see many things when I run, but that is not what I am really thinking about. I don’t notice the beautiful things people see when they run. I am not paying attention to those things.
My mind is on other things such as my own problems or songs that can’t get out of my head. One song that always plays in my head is the song by One Republic which is “Stop and Stare”. I relate that song to my life and when I run because I may be moving, but in reality I have gone nowhere.

I am still in Utah and in college and I think to myself when I run that there is so much more to life than just doing the same thing over and over again. So I have that song playing in my head sometimes because I feel like in a sense I have gone nowhere and that I should be somewhere better than I am today.

I think we all think that about ourselves sometimes. We wondered what could have been if we did something else or made a small decision. These are the thoughts that go through my mind when I run.

I also feel isolated and alone when I run. There could be other people out there on the streets, but I still feel alone because I am by myself. I also think about my own life that I am alone. I have no one really to talk to. I have family, but they don’t understand what I am feeling. I am the point in life where you like your family, but you don’t really want to be around them. You want to be with other people such as a relationship with a girl. So I do feel alone sometimes because I have no girl right now and I always wondered what it is like because I see couples my age and they always seem so happy.

I also have the feelings of being alone when I run because I run late at night or early in the morning. I don’t see anyone except for the darkness that surrounds me. It is scary at first, but after awhile it makes me feel more powerful because I am more dedicated to running than most people. Sometimes it is good to be alone because you feel like you are the only person in the world and everything is quiet and peaceful.

I may have thoughts of loneliness and isolation, but I do have good thoughts which are the thoughts that make me motivated to run. Sometimes I may wonder if it is worth it. When I beat someone in a race or running on the streets it gives me that joy that I am good. People may say that is wrong, but deep down inside everybody likes competition.

I am a competitor and that is what I am usually thinking most of the time when I run. I think I am faster than most people and if there is a car that is close to me, I dare them to come hit me in my mind because I have that sense of invincibility when I run. I think it is good to have because we all need to be passionate about something in life. That is what I love doing and I want to be the best and sometimes I have setbacks like injuries, but that is part of running. I won’t quit because my goal is to win a race and I am willing to put my body through pain because I want to win.

Sometimes I do not win and I get injured worse and sometimes I compare that to life. We might have setbacks, but we should not give up because if we do quit, we go nowhere and I know we always have to keep moving forward. I know that if we always keep moving forward, just like in running, we will get to where we want to be in life.

Thank You

2009-11-03T21:56:00.000-08:00

I just want to thank all those people who dis my shot in basketball and how I run . I am saying thank you because you give me motivation to show you up and prove you wrong. I know that may sound bad, but my whole life I never felt good enough so I have a chip on my shoulder and I do have something to prove. I want to show these people up and embarrass them because it makes me mad. My whole life no one has ever believed in me, so that is why I think they way I think.

Thank you to all the companies I was not good enough to get hired for. One day I'll become something and show them up . I've gotten rejected and it hurts and it makes me want to work harder. I believe that I am just as good as anyone else. . These events have made me who I am today. So every company that does not believe in me, I'll remember and use it for motivation. I know people think that is negative, but my whole life I felt like I have been ignored. I also want to thank the companies that I've worked for that never believe in me too. It just adds more fuel to the fire to show them up. Who I am showing up? No one, but in my mind I still feel like I have something to prove.

Thank you to all those girls who ignored me and pretended to be my friend. First to all the girls that I had crushes on, thank you. Thank you because I see some of these girls I actually liked go for other guys. All I have to say they are losers and it's your loss. It hurts, but getting ignored makes me want to work harder and harder so I can be something. Being ignored does give me motivation and it makes me want to show them up and say that I will be something and I hope they just settle. I am no loser, but when you done nothing your whole life these are the thoughts that destroy you. So I want to become better than those guys that these girls I liked go for. Why? because my whole life I have just been the tag along and never got to experience anything like being in a real relationship. I never went to any dances and I never had any girls that I knew liked me. So I find it hard to believe when people tell me that I am a handsome young man and that girls would like to get to know me better. I may be good looking, but when you have done nothing socially for the past 5 years, it is hard to overcome the thoughts of being never good enough.

I would also like to thank those people in my church who never believed in me. This also adds fuel to the fire. I love those people who treat me different because I did not go on a mission. It did hurt, but it gives me motivation now. I want to show to all those people that not going does not mean a thing. It does not mean you are saved. These feelings do make me feel never good enough as well and so I have something to prove.

So now you know what I really think. My whole life I was never the kid everyone wanted. I was just the person that people never believed in. These things did ruin me, but now they give me motivation because I am good and no one is better than anyone else. I'm not better than anyone. I just got to do what is best for me and move forward. Sometimes these things create setbacks and they can be deadly. That is why I run, workout, and work hard because I want to prove those people wrong who said things about me. It hurts and when you don't have anyone to fall onto when you are down, it creates anger. I am angry and hurt and I don't know if I'll ever become that person who can forget. I dwell on the past and that is not good because dwelling on the past destroys me.

never

2009-10-28T10:54:00.001-07:00

I'm good looking and any girl would want to date me and they don't really care what I drive and what I do as long I plan on moving forward and doing the right thing. That is a bunch of crap, I don't believe in anything anymore. I'm the same and I will never get better. Whatever I do it's never good enough, so why would I enjoy life. It is not fun, it never has and it never will be. I have hope, but those things never come true. I am sick of it and I can't take the isolation crap anymore. I get to enjoy watching people move forward, why I can't even get to place next door. I may move forward in other things such as school and running, but that does not mean crap especially when you are alone. I can't talk because I get so nervous and that is not normal and I feel like everyone is my competition and they think they are better than me. This irrational thinking destroys me and I can't move forward. No one cares anyways because I realized people don't give a crap what happens to me. Nobody would know if I was gone, but who cares because I am nothing. Just a number to this world. It's my fault and it is and everything is my fault and that is why I don't move forward because of me and not you or anyone else in the world. I am the reason for my shortcomings, but I just need a little help, but I realized nobody cares and why should they care about me because nobody cares about me, but my family. Why do I think that? My whole life I have never done anything. I just worked and that ruined me. I need to socialize and if there is anyone out there help me or just pray for me that one day I'll reach my full potential.

Darkness

2009-10-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know how people can like Fall. I hate Fall, it just makes me more sad that it is getting closer to the winter. I hate winter because winter reminds me of death and darkness. I don't know why it does, it just does. I hate the darkness it makes me sad and I do not know how anyone can enjoy the Winter. I hate driving in snow, but I don't mind running in snowstoms because it makes me feel invincible. I run no matter what the weather is like, but I still hate winter. I guess I need to move somewhere it does not snow. Winters in Utah are not that bad compared to other places.

Sometimes the snow can be romantic, but you have to be with a girl in order for that to happen. The glow of the snow at night is something beautiful. It's errie but it is cool because the glow is light. It is great to know that there is light in the darkest of days and that is why I think it is cool. But when your alone, winters are depressing and sad. That is why it's good to have friends because sometimes you need people to cheer you up when the days are miserable and dark.

I don't know if I'll ever enjoy winters because I don't really have a girlfriend or friends that I hang out with every weekend. The only thing that keeps my mind off Winter is school and running. Sometimes winters in Utah are dry, so I always hope for those kind of Winters even though we need water to live. I should not think about Winter, I should think about the good of Winter like Christmas, New Years Eve, but those thoughts can be sad as well.

The reason I think that is because Christmas reminds me of happy thoughts and sometimes it is sad to reflect on the happy times. I know that sounds weird, but every happy moment has an end and that is why it is sad. I guess that is why it is important to make every moment count because we don't know when our time is up. It is important to do good and make every person we meet better than they were before. Those are the most important things not money, possesions, and status. I need to help people and I hope I have more opportunites to uplift people in this life. People have been there for me and I hope that I can do the same for them when they are in need.

Lost my smile

2009-10-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

I lost my smile and I am sad because I just am. I don't know if I'll ever be happy because I always think about what I don't have. I feel bad that I think like that because I want more. I got a better car than my last one, but I still don't know if I like it. I feel bad because I wasted money on it. Oh well it's just a car and who cares, but I do and I can't stop thinking about. They say people like you for who you are. I don't believe that, I believe that people like things that you have as well. So I regret buying a car, even though I needed a new one. I liked my old car, It was a piece of crap, but I had it since I was seventeen years old. It is hard to adjust and I don't know if I ever will. I miss it now even though I was ashamed of driving it. I hate cars anyways because they are just stupid. However, I need one to get around, but one day I hope I can live without using a car. I hope to live someday close to my work. I think that would be cool because I enjoy a nice walk and I don't think a car is that important. I will have one, but it is cool to think about a world with no cares. Just sitting back and enjoying life, but here in the USA that will never happen. I respect those countries that are different than us because they may have nothing, but they seem happy. So I guess posessions don't make anyone happy. They can, but they won't last forever. I know that is true because buying things only make me happy for a certain amount of time. I don't buy anything anymore so I don't even know what it's like to waste money on toys. I have to pay for funner things like tuition. It's frustrating because sometimes college does not seem worth it. From my point of view, why do I go? I don't really know, but I know I am supposed to and that is why I do it. That has been my whole life story. I have done everything because I am supposed to and that is stupid. It makes life less fun and I don't even know if I will get back to those days when I was happy. The only thing I look forward to these days is doing my church calling. I get to prepare the sacrament in my ward. It may be small, but if feels great because I am actually doing something worthwhile. I also hate the weekends. They use to be fun, but I just go running and working out because I don't have anywhere to go. I want to date, but fear gets in the way and so I do nothing.

I fear dating, because what if it actually works out and then I grow up. I have realized I am scared of change and that is so sad. I should be happy for change, but I can't handle it because it's hard for me. I hate change and I don't know if I'll ever like it. I always think of the worse that could happen when dealing with change and that is why I do the same rut over and over. So I hope that one day I'll overcome, but who knows if that will ever happen. I hope to one day know what it's like grow up and know what it's like to have a family. But that seems forever and I don't know if it will ever happen. I am done and hope to one day, be back to where I once was.

thoughts

2009-10-18T21:40:00.000-07:00

Life is hard and sometimes I wonder why. It's like the more you grow up, the more problems you might have to endure. It's not like they are horrible problems, but they are problems that make life less fun. That is what I think about when I am dealing with money. I like saving my money, but then things like college tuition and other things make my savings dwindle and that is frustrating because you work so hard and it just could go all away in a blink of an eye.

I guess that is kind of like life. We could all go away like in a blink of an eye. I have realized that I should focus on the more important things in life because we don't know when our time is up. It does not really matter if I have my dream car or dream career. I have learned it's more important that I help people and make them better. When I have actually helped people for the right reasons it feels good and you can't get that feeling when you're at school or at work. I really do want to help people because I know there are people that need help.

Real

2009-10-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

Everything I say and do is fake. It's all for attention. It's true because when you are a quiet person you need and crave attention. That is why I do the things I do. I wear all black when I run because I want people to notice me. I wear sunglasses that are tinted so you can't see my eyes. I do it all for attention. But, what do I get for it? nothing. I am antisocial and it's my fault if I really wanted to talk, wouldn't I have the guts to go talk to people and go invite myself to do things with other people? I don't and that is the reason why I failed because I don't socialize and it's my fault. It's hard to talk to people when you feel like you don't belong to any group of people. I don't feel ever good enough and that is why I am quiet. I know I am better than people at things, but I don't feel good enough and that is why I am the way I am. I don't feel good enough to date and I always feel that people judge me. This is not the way to live and don't ever think like me because it ruins you and your soul. It makes you feel worthless and whatever you do it is never good enough. I lived with this thought process forever and I don't know if I'll ever recover. I see people date and have fun, while I am sitting there feeling weird and like I don't belong. I am a good looking person, but that does not mean crap because I always feel like I don't belong. The reason I don't feel like I don't belong is because in the LDS world I did not do certain things and sometimes it makes me want to show everyone that I have something to prove. I go to church activities, but I still feel out of place. I do have a chip on my shoulder and I have to show everybody up and that is why I don't socialize as much. I know that is not right, but I still can't come overcome this thinking and I can't let my guard down. I don't think I'll ever change, I have hope, but it always seems to fall apart. But it's my fault for being antisocial. I hear about all my friends talking about all these girls they dated and that is sad because I can count all the dates on one hand. It feels like I am the same and that hurts because you wished you could experience some sort of progression. I write about the same stuff and this is the same stuff that bothers me. I guess it will never get better, but who cares because it's my fault. I hate socializing, I used to like it, but now I just can't even do anything. You get used to being antisocial after awhile. You have hope that one day you'll do something, but then those thoughts go from weeks, months and then to years.

Reading this is so much better than reading a book

2009-10-06T23:15:00.000-07:00

What am I smoking? I just read some of the stuff I wrote on some of my blogs and I feel like I have to punch myself in the face. What a goob, ha ha ha. Yeah I don't want people to know what I really think because I just don't and I can't believe that sometimes I write what I want and who I really am. I realized I can't do that because it's better to have people guessing what you are. Ta da! There you have it you know something about me and that I am a person who has hope and believes it will get better. But, why would I want you to know? oh well I don't care because probably about zero people read my rants. At least my blogs are not fake like some people's blogs.

change

2009-09-29T22:51:00.000-07:00

I have realized in life we are the only ones who can change if we want to, no one else can change the way we are. I am negative sometimes and I'm sorry because I have realized there are people that have it worse then me. Life may suck and I may not be to where I want to be, but it will get better. I know we all have difficulties in life and sometimes it's hard to even try, but being negative and mad does not get you anywhere. I also learned that if you really want to change something you have to have the power to do it yourself because no one really is going to help you. I want change and I will and I know that things will work out in the end. I also realized that helping people out may suck sometimes, but hopefully someone will help me out and everything that I want will fall into place.

What do I want? I want a better job, better car, and a girl. My friend said the other day that those things won't make me happier, but that is not true because he does not know me. He said I need to do things with him and I don't really want to. I'm sorry, but I want to meet girls and hook up with a girl that I'm into. I don't think there is anything else to life that is more important then finding a girl you actually want to be with. My friend said I need to do things that I've never done before like go gambling or do other crazy things.

No, I am not going to do that because it's not worth it and it is not really fun. I can't do things like that because it's bad and I've got to become better than the world and leave it in a better place. I don't care about that kind of stuff anyways. I know what would make me happier and that is meeting girls that I like and eventually getting into a relationship with one of those girls I like.

Why do I think it would make me happier? Because being with a girl is great and sharing your thoughts and talking with someone you actually care for would also be great because what else is there to life. I've not traveled the world or become rich, but it's not important. It's important that I meet a girl and get married. I know that after that, everything will fall into place as long as I try and never stop working.

The world says it's more important to have fun and do what you want, but to me that seems stupid because why would I just do pointless garbage. I want more and I think there is more to life than just doing what you want to do.

I also know you should help others because there are people out in this world that need help. I think that sometimes I am selfish and I never do anything to help other people and I need to help people in my own way. I know that if I help people it will also help me as well. I've learned that by attending church. In my church people have judged me for not doing a mission and I've learned that they can judge me all they want, but I'm not a bad person and just because you went on a mission does not mean you're saved. You still got to work hard and also endure to the end. So I am not worried anymore on what those people think about me. It has been hard for me to overcome those things, but if someone is going to judge me, than I can't worry about it because they don't know me and I know that I am good person and I still can help people just as well as anybody else in the church.

I've also learned that never sell yourself short and don't listen to what other people say. I want to be a graphic designer and some people, like my cousin, try to tell me what to do and that I'm doing it the wrong way because my major is not graphic design. I have a minor in art technology and I have talent and I do know someone will take a chance on me. I know that as long as I keep practicing I'll become what I want to become. The people who work hard are the one's who become what they want to be. You have to have talent, but you have to work hard as well . I know I have talent and I just got to believe in myself that I'm good.

Then there are those other people who say things to bring you down. Don't listen to those people because they are losers who quit trying and gave up on their own dreams. There is this one person at my work and all they do is say why you shouldn't do certain things and that it's not worth it. I should just to this person to screw off and get a life because they quit in their own life and so they are not happy, so they have to bring other people down to make them feel better. I've done that as well and I've learned that's not the way to be. The way to be is to help others and encourage them so they can reach their full potential.

Life is not bad, but it can always be better, but we still have to make the most out of it with our current situations. If we do we can progress and become better.

Forward

2009-09-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend of mine and they said I should be happy because I have a job and it's not so bad. I agree, but I've have done that job for the past four years and I don't think it's wrong to want to have a better paying job. He said even if I get more money I still wouldn't be happy. I don't know, but I do need to know what it's like to move forward. Doing the same thing over and over is nothing to look forward to. It's is important to move forward in life. I don't think I really have. I am almost done with school, but I have been in school forever so it seems like that won't change either. I know I'll finish and I do want to move forward in life. I don't want the same thing, I want more because I know I am worth more than what I get. I am not trying to be cocky or greedy. I just think as society we can all want more and believe that we can.

I want to know what it's like to live. I am alive, but I want to know what it's like to grow up. One day I would like to get married and do my own thing because to me that is moving forward and that is what life is all about. I don't want to be single forever, it's not worth it. Nobody wants to be alone and if they say it's fun, that's not true. Being alone is where you learn who you really are, but after awhile it messes you up. So I hope to get married and have my own family because that is one of the purposes of life . So that is why I have to move forward, I don't want to be the same forever. So I have to get better jobs and I can't sell myself short because that is wrong and I don't feel bad for wanting more because I know I am capable of doing great things

I have also learned if we take small little steps forward eventually we will get to better places and better opportunities. Sometimes it's hard, but we have to keep trying and once we get to a better place, we still have to keep moving. I always think of that song by Daft Punk when I think about moving forward and one of the lyrics says:Work It Harder! Make It Better!Do It Faster!, Makes Us stronger!More Than Ever Hour After Our Work Is Never Over!

Our work is never over and if we think it is then we might fail because I think we always have to work and keep trying and that is part of progressing. I have learned that through watching people in my church. The people who are always working and never stopping seem to be the one's who have it all together and to me it seems that they are blessed because they don't quit. I'm pretty sure they have hard times, but I always see them working and I think that's cool because sometimes we get to a point where we don't want to try. So I think that working hard is important and for me it gives me hope. I know sometimes it may be pointless to me, but I am also helping other people in the process and that is more important because we need to help others as well.

Can't recover

2009-09-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

I train so hard and yet it has got me nowhere. I hurt and I don't even know if it is worth it. I run and run and can't stop. I want to, but I can't because what else do I have besides running? Nothing. Just work and school and that is nothing to look forward to, the only thing to look forward to in that is doing my art projects for my graphic design classes. School is not fun I am sick of being the quiet person. People don't believe me that I am shy, but I am and I never say anything in school, I just feel like I have nothing in common with my classmates. They have fun and I'll I do is workout, run, work, and do school stuff. They party go on trips and don't stress about stupid things. I stress and that is not fun, it makes life less enjoyable.

2009-09-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

Life is precious. BULL! It's only good if you make it. I sure don't know. Going to college does not mean a thing. What am I going to do after? I don't know and I don't care because there is no such thing as happiness it is all fake like you people. I am an outsider looking on the inside. All I wanted was to have friends and know what it like to move forward. All I have done is plateaued to nowhere. I can't lie and give all the fake hope crap when nothing changes. I hate those kind of people because they are fake. I am hurt, but who the hell cares? I am a punk because I only care about me and that is why I am a jerk.

Why am I so hard on myself? When you don't do things like date, socialize, and have fun you start to think negative and wonder why certain things happen. You lose confidence in yourself and that is what happened to me. I lost all of my confidence. I have confidence in myself. Like I know I can do a lot of things better than most people, but in social aspects I have none because I have been isolated for so long. It's not my fault, I am quiet and it is hard for me to know when girls I actually like are into me or people I hang out with actually like me. Sometimes I wonder. I was talking to this girl on facebook and I don't know if she is into me or she feels bad for me or she is just trying to be my friend. I have no clue. I would take her out on a date, but I don't want to ask her if she is seeing anybody because I don't want to come across as a creepy. She is a cool girl anyways.

But, I don't know if I'll ever date anytime soon or even become more social. I lost hope and I can't just invite myself to hang out with other groups of people. I only want one thing anyways and that is to meet a girl and ditch everybody else. What else is there? I don't care about my old school friends because they don't give a crap about me. They only want me if they need something. I can't worry about that. So that is why I hope I meet a girl, but don't think that will happen either because I am all talk when it comes to dating and socializing. I can only back up one thing and that is I will always run, workout, and be there when I say I'll be there.

That has gotten me nowhere as well, I am injured and I can't quit. I am not trying to be funny. What else is there to do, when you don't do anything. It's important to me anyways to be in shape. I also don't think I'll recover from my injuries. I am addicted and I don't want to stop because running gives me that feeling that I am good and that I can beat anyone I see while I am running. People aslo get to see me and that is also why I love running so much.

I am discouraged because I work hard, but nothing seems to fall into place. It seems more like everything is coming all at once and I can't control it anymore. I lost all my concentration because I have so many things to focus on. Oh well I still have to move forward.

I give you this thimble and I call it a kiss.

2009-09-13T21:44:00.000-07:00

I originally wrote a rant on how I hate my old school friends and then I realized what's the point in doing that. It's not like it gets me somewhere for writing that. Friends do let friends down sometimes and that is okay because no one is perfect. The same things goes with life sometimes it's great, while other times it just plain sucks. It's never easy and it's never easy doing the right thing. The world would want people to do what makes you feel good and they say it's okay sometimes to not do the right things.

Many times I have wanted to do the wrong thing, but my hope keeps me from doing the wrong thing. So does my belief in God and my church that I am a member of. It has never been easy. Sometimes doing the right thing gets us nowhere and a lonely night of doing nothing. I have done that for awhile now and I still wonder if it will ever get better. I am alone and isolated and I don't know why. I am a funny person, but I am not invited to anything ever. My real friends don't invite me anymore and it's hurts. I seem to not be able to find girls I actually want to date, that hurts as well because everyone needs to feel what it's like to love and even go on a date. That is partly my fault anyways because I just need to call a girl out. It may seem dark right now, but eventually it will all come to an end.

That is why I don't quit. I meet a lot of people who settle and I don't want to be like that. I don't want to work a crappy job. I want to do good things so I can make money and I want to help people because I observe people that I know need help. There are people I work with I want to help and there are girls that I actually really liked and wanted to help them . There is this one girl she always makes comments about herself that she should actually be on a date first or other things that bring her down. I just wish I told her that she is cute and that any guy would be dumb not to ask her out. I did not, but I am shy, but I guess that makes me dumb. I wished I did say something, but I was afraid to say something. I think we need to compliment people because everyone gets down and they do feel better after someone says things that raise them up.

I have noticed saying nice things to people really can make a difference. I remember this one time I told this person how great there where to me and they were shocked that I said something because I usually joke more than actually say how I truly feel. I told them and I think it made them feel better. I think we should look in the good people do, not the bad. I learned that from somebody else and I think it is a good way to think.

I do try to look in the good in people and then I realize it makes me feel better because I do get frustrated with some people sometimes, but when I do it gets me nowhere and it makes me worse because I am looking at the bad and not the good.

Maybe I should look in the good in life as well, even though it is not great sometimes. It is hard too, but I know things can get better. I just have to keep moving forward even though it is hard. I won't quit because I have come so far in my life not to quit. I hope it all works out and I hope that I can know what it's like to progress and accomplish the things I am supposed to accomplish.

You think you know me because you read and observe me.

2009-09-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

I have nothing, but I am doing nothing. I already ran, worked out, and worked on school stuff. What a fun night. NOT! Well, running is fun, the competition part is. I don't really have any deep stuff to rant or talk about. But I do think college football is not that great. It's the same thing every year and I wonder why people in the state of Utah actually think BYU and Utah are so great. I think they are overrated and I don't really care if they go undefeated because they will never get to go to a national championship game. Even if the Y or the U went undefeated the BCS would find a way to keep them out of the national championship game. But, I am not a huge college football fan anyways. I like the NFL because they have playoffs.

But the NFL is the same every year as well and so I wonder why we get so excited. I mean why should I care if the Patriots win or some other teams wins. It's not like I get anything for seeing them win. I wonder why I get into the game so much. However, I rather play sports then watch sports on TV. It is more fun and rewarding to play sports, especially when you destroy your opponent. I like competing and I like that people think I am not good sometimes. It gives me more motivation to beat them on the court or when I am running. But, watching sports on TV is such a waste sometimes. I mean I could be doing better things like going on a date. ha ha ha

I don't get why guys watch sports together. I mean it is not that fun. I have gone to things like that and they are not that great. They act like it is so great to get away from their girlfriends or spouse for awhile. If I was in a serious relationship I rather be with my girl. I know that may sound fake, but I mean that.

The other day this person said to me. Once you get married you won't always want to spend all of your time with your wife and you need to get away sometimes. I agree, but I really don't believe him that much because if you got married to the person you really love wouldn't you want to spend every moment with them. I know you need your own space sometimes, but if you were in a relationship? Wouldn't you want to spend time with that person. I would, but that is just me.

I am a romantic and that sounds so lame, but I do believe in surprises and other things to make that person you love happy. I rather do things with them then watch some game on TV because I have realized games are on all the time and I could be using the precious time with the person I like or I love. I don't love anyone now, but maybe one day I will.

I have watched a lot of sports and sometimes the games have been great and other times they have been horrible. I wonder why I always go back to watching sports. They are the same thing every year, but I still get excited and I just don't why I do. I guess it is better than watching all those crap shows that are on TV. No offense, but some of the new shows are horrible. So that is one reason why I enjoy watching sports.

Peace out!

??

2009-09-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

I was on facebook earlier and I read this girl's status update "Cannot stress enough how horrible slander is. What is wrong with people who feel the need to self-righteously "tattle" on others? why do people judge, slander, gossip, and backbite? I cannot fix everything people dish out. I am in the middle... of a rock and a hard place. How large a fire a small tale can light! I can't protect people forever!!" It made me think and realize everyone says things about other people. Sometimes they do it because it makes them get out their frustrations or they think a person is a certain way. I have and I don't feel bad because sometimes people make me mad or my friends and family have offended me. But that does not mean they are bad people, it just means we all have things we need to work on because nobody is perfect.

People have said things about me and judged me. It's not true because they don't really know me. Most of the time people judge because that is how we are. Even if you say you don't judge others, you do. Everyone does. We come up with stereotypes and other mean thoughts by looking. Sometimes we have to, but I know that once we actually get to know someone and where they are coming from we can see who they really are. I think the best way to do that is by helping people. I am not saying we have to go and hang out or wash their car. It's by doing small things that can help someone.

That is how we can learn about people is by helping them. Sometimes we feel like we should not help people and it's their own fault. It may be their fault for certain things, but if we don't encourage others or try to help them in a small way, they they might never reach their full potential. However,I know that it depends on the person themselves if they really want to change.

I also believe that anybody can change. I was in church yesterday and heard a lesson and they said that most people have a hard time changing and that most of the times they won't change for a girl. The lesson was on marriage that is why I am talking about girls, but anyways it made me angry because I think people can change. I know it could take years for some and maybe the next life, but I am not going to give up hope on people just because of the way they are.

I've changed, but it's not like I am messed up or anything, but I have changed. So I believe that anyone can change. It's not easy, but when people say you can't that is what motivates me to prove them wrong. It's not easy to change. I have done the right things and wondered if it is worth it, because sometimes you don't have fun and you don't really meet the people you really want to meet. That is life because if we never had trials from our problems, then we will never know who we really are.

?

2009-08-31T21:31:00.000-07:00

I lost hope and I don't believe it will ever get better. It's sad to see everything fall apart at once. As readers of this post would say it is my fault, but it might be, but what happens when you tried and you failed. I hate it all, there is nothing to look forward to, just sitting alone in the dark where all the thoughts of what you are not come to mind. I don't ever believe it will get better and someone can inspire me all they want, but it will never change.

I often go back to my stupid ways which are not good. I have no friends and I mean that when I say that. It's my fault right because I don't talk and I don't try to go to social events. I do and everytime I go I feel like a moron and so I don't say a word. It's frustrating that I go back to being quiet. But what do I have in common with these people? Nothing! They have better cars they don't have to work stupid crap hours and they get to enjoy this thing called life. They only thing I can ever talk about is the same old garb they ask everybody when you first meet somebody. That is not progressing.

I don't know what enjoy is either. It's the exact same thing for me everyday and every week and that becomes every year. What has running got me? nothing, just a stupid injury I can't recover from and it just lets me past the time because when you don't socialize in life you have lots of free time in this life. Weekends are supposed to be fun right? Not for me it's just usually consist of working, working out, and homework. That is so fun, but it's not and I don't ever think I'll break my habits of being antisocial. I do try, but recently I have gone from being more outgoing to not even saying a word at all.

Some of the people I meet I don't have anything in common with and I don't want to hangout with them. But there has been times when I have tried to hangout with certain girls and other people. Sometimes I have gotten ignored and that hurts, even though I pretend It did not hurt. I remember this one time, I was getting to know this girl I really liked a little bit better. We texted each other a few times and then one time I texted her if she was doing anything fun for the weekend and I got ignored. I was just asking a simple question and I was not asking her out or anything. I was just trying to be friendly. If I ever do ask out a girl I would actually call her, but that won't ever happen because I don't believe in me.

Things like that mess me up and make me never want to try again. If she did not want to say anything to me, then just say it to my face because it is better that way. I won't be sad if a girl does not like me, it's part of one's life experience.I'm not mad for that and I hope that girl I really liked awhile ago has a great life. I really do mean that because she has a great personality and any guy would be lucky to have a girl like that.She was a great person. She befriended me one day when I was sitting all alone at this event I attended. I always wanted to thank her for that even though she will never know that I was thankful. I know my personality comes out as quiet and people think I don't really care, but I do. So I really in all my sincerity hope she has a great life.

I never even tried to date in the first place, so I don't even know what I am talking about. I always say I will, but I never do. I need help to get to that point, but I'll never get help from anyone because there is no such thing as a true friend and I believe that because my so called"real" friends have never been there for me. I've been their friend. I even have gone to their stupid activities and helped them out. I would do anything for my old school friends, but things change and we have to move on. They have moved on, but I have not. I watch them date, get girlfriends, get married, and do other things that help them progress in this life. I just sit outside and stare in inside hoping that one day it will all come together.

The day has not come and it hurts. It hurts to see other people enjoy this life while you worked so hard and nothing has changed. It hurts to see people you care for grow up and forget about you. It hurts to see a lot of things, but I still have to move and I can't just sit and think it will get better. Doing nothing is never the answer. So I do move forward by going to school, work, and also running and working out. I don't know why I keep trying if I am so discouraged, but I guess I do have hope. I have hope that I can change and become who I am supposed to be. I'll never quit. I believe that God will help me one day, even though I feel like nothing has happened at all. If and when that day does come I'll be happy because then I'll know that God does care and answers prayers.

2009-08-26T14:16:00.001-07:00

I am sitting in class right now and I am wondering is school worth it. I am in a arts technology class and that is how I am online right now. We are supposed to do assignment and I already know what I am doing so that is why I am writing right now. I am bored and I hate school. I don't think it is worth it. I should of joined the Air Force or something because then I would be learning some important skills. I am not trying to be funny I think the military would be great to do, but if I ever get married then it would be selfish because then my wife would have to be alone. I don't think that is right. I am discouraged right now. I am tired of school, even though I am so close to graduating. I am close to graduating, but I don't care because I hate school and I have been in school for too many years. Oh well at least it will be over soon. I am frustrated because I just am and I am tired of being in school.

I don't even know what I want to do after I am done with school. I did want to do something with graphic design, but I don't know if I can sit for eight hours staring at a screen. I do like art, but I don't want to be a graphic designer for the rest of my life. So that is why I decided to finish my Park, Recreation, and Tourism degree. I think it will work out better if I go that way. I do hope that was the right decision and I guess we will see if it is the right decision. If not I guess I can be a professional bookseller the rest of my life. Joking! I don't really care what I do as long as I get paid a decent amount of money to live. I have realized that no matter what I do for a career I will hate it because I am that kind of person who really has no desire to be a certain thing. I just like working hard and physical work. It's a good feeling, but most physical jobs don't pay so well after awhile.

The only thing I ever wanted to be was a professional athlete and that won't happen because I am not great. I am a good runner, but not even close to being professional. My injuries have got in the way and you can't run good when your are seriously injured. I would just have to quit everything and train smarter. I know that sounds weird that I think I could actually be a professional runner. I know I have potential because I just started running seriously after high school and I never reached my full potential yet. This is a dream and I always wonder why I did not seriously run in high school because I know I could of been good. Oh well! I can't focus on the past.

I always do look at the past because most people remember me from the past and they probably remember me as a certain person. I remember this one girl said to one of my friend I am the same since high school. It makes me mad, because I don't think I am the same. I have the same personality, but the only difference is I am more antisocial. Joking! But college and work has made me less social. I don't even talk to anyone and I just feel like all of my classmates are my competition and I have to be better than them. I should not think like that, but I do. I know it's not right, but college has made me that way. That is one reason I hate college. I always have to compete against other people even if they don't know I am competing against them. I hate that feeling where I have to be the best, it ruins me and it really sucks. I just wish I could do my best and not worry about what my classmates do.

Hello

2009-08-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

Is there anyone out there? I feel alone and it's my fault anyways right? What's it like to live? I sure don't know. I just run, workout, work, and go to school. That is not living, it is,but I don't do anything fun. I just sit and wish, but sitting and wishing don't do a thing. People may think I do things, but I don't know what they are smoking because I sure don't do a thing. I always wonder what people think about me.

I really wanted to know because when you lose all of your good friends, you start to wonder. I am also not smooth with the ladies sometimes because I still have that shyness in me and that is a horrible thing to have. It makes me look like a fool.

I am too old to be like that. It's funny to me when girls talk to me and think I have been in relationships and date a lot. I always wonder why they think that because I've never even been in a relationship. That is sad, really sad. I would say in the dating/relationship world I am at a elementary school level because I don't even really date much. When I have,those dates sucked because I was shy and I could not be myself. I do hate myself for that, it makes me mad and it also makes me mad when I see other people having fun. So do couples they make me mad as well. The reason those things makes me mad is because I have worked so hard at work, school, working out, and running and I thought it would pay off , but it has just made me more isolated.

I came to the realization when my friend a year or two ago came to my house, the day before he got married, and told me I have done nothing and the exact same thing for the past few years. It made me mad when he said that, but it was the truth. My whole life I have tried to please other people and do what I am supposed to do. I thought it would get me somewhere, however I just stopped and stared and gone nowhere. That song by One Republic is my theme song because I do think I am moving, but I go nowhere. It is my fault and I'll beat myself up for it. Why? because I feel like I should be something and not just waste of space to society. I'm not a waste of space to society, but in social aspects I have not progressed and it is sad, very sad.

People tell me just ask out girls or just invite yourself to your friend's activities. It's so easy right? It's not, not when you think like me. I would like to, but shyness gets in the way and the girls I actually like I just can't talk to them because I am nervous and I want to make a good impression on them. I don't want to blow my chance with a girl I am into. However, I usually don't even say a word to them at all because I think they might not like me or I see them talking to other guys and then I start to wonder if they are in a relationships. So I put things off and say I will do it tomorrow.

I guess my main point from this blog is never put things off. If you see a girl you like then go after her and if you get rejected who cares because there are lots of girls in the world. I should take this advice too, because I talk myself out and then I go back to my ways of being antisocial. Oh well, I guess we all have flaws that we can make better and I know I'll date I just have to be more aggressive. So if you ever need to pray for something, pray for me that I'll get the coconuts to ask a girl out. Joking! Don't really pray for that, but if you really want to, I am not going to try and stop you. I couldn't anyways because I don't even know who would read my blog. Hopefully some of the girls I like read this blog. The only reason I would want that is because then they can see how I really am. I do use this blog and facebook to market me and show the world how I really am.

Peace out and ETTE and never let anyone try and stop you from your dreams! Sorry if the some of the sentences suck, but I don't really care because this is a blog not a college class.

Did you know that smart cars are not really smart.

2009-08-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

I have realized my blog is negative and all I write about is frustration and how I hate people. I don't hate people, but I am frustrated, however I think I should be more positive. It is hard because it just is. I think I need to look at the good in people and not the flaws they might have. Nobody is perfect and I am not, even though I try to be the best, but I am not perfect. I have also realized sometimes we go through struggles, failures, and hardships. Those things can bring us down and the only way to move forward is to keep trying even if people may feel that there is no hope. I always write about the same stuff. Maybe the reason I have these struggles is to make me a stronger person. Or maybe these frustrations will help me in the future because maybe one day I'll be that person who meets a person who once was like me. So I can help them because I know what they went through.

I know things will improve and there has been a lot of people in my life who have helped me in ways they will never know. I feel like a jerk that I never say anything to them. It's hard for me to express how I really feel. So I would like to express my thanks to them even though they will never know that I even was glad what they did. I would also want to thank girls that just randomly came up to talk to me or invite me to their house with there friends. I was grateful for those experiences because I realized girls do have an interest in me, but I have been a negative person I have not asked them out. I am sorry that I never did and I will never say their true identities because I just can't. I want to thank those girls who did invite me, even though they may have thought I did not care.

I want to thank people in my church who talked to me or even try to befriend me because everyone needs attention and some days I was down and I it did make a difference. I have been frustrated with my ward because I feel like I don't do anything and I want to thank those people who asked me to do things because it does feel good to do stuff and I always feel like I can make a difference.

I am thankful for those people who have been there when I am down, hurt, and sad. Or who have just been my friend. They may not know that they even helped someone but they did. People are always watching you and even me. When they see good things, I think it's makes them want to be better. So I always think to myself that I need to act better sometimes because people are watching me even if I don't think people notice me at all.

Anyways to all those people who read this I wish you the best and don't ever give up your dreams because dreams are what make us live and when you lose that dream just keep pushing forward and if you do you will realize that you have come along way. I bet you probably did not know that I am think positive, but I do and I know that life is hard but if we move forward and do what is right, then everything will fall into place. I do hope it falls into place for me because sometimes I don't even know what I am doing. I just know that I have to move forward and never look back and have the faith that I'll reach my full potential.

The end

2009-08-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

I can't even socialize and it's sad. I have gone no where in my opinion and it seems like I have regressed. I have only progressed in running, working out, and school. However, that still has not got me to where I want to be. I went to a church activity tonight and it was not that fun, I try to talk to people but it's never easy for me. I feel awkward and that is not good. I hate it, I wish I could act the way I really am, but I never can. So people probably think I am boring and that is sad. I am funny, but it is never easy for me to open up. That's is why I have failed in my opinion. I should be dating and I should be more outgoing, but I have failed. I thought I was moving forward in the right direction, but then my procrastination got in the way. I do want to date, but I can't because I don't know if it is worth it. I mean in LDS land everyone wants to get married and that is why they date. I do want to get married, but I don't want to be thinking about every girl I date could be my wife.I just want to have fun and when I meet the right girl then I'll marry that girl.

I am annoyed, but I still must move forward. Sometimes I wonder why I even should try because sometimes everything just seems to fall a part at once. I know I can't quit because only losers quit. I am not trying to be rude, I just feel that quitting is never the answer to any problem. There has been so many times when I have wanted to quit and go back to my old ways. Then I think of the future and I realize I can't. I have hope and hope is the only thing that prevents me from quitting. I belive that if I do the right things, everything will fall into place.

2009-08-13T07:26:00.000-07:00

I can't focus and it's sad. I try to focus but I seem to not be able to get anything accomplished. I am frustrated and then other stupid things get in the way of the important things. I can't rest or sleep , my hip flexor bothers me. I know I should rest, but I don't because I am addicted to running and it's sick. I am not trying to be funny. I can't quit, it's like I have to run even though my body hurts like hell. I like that feeling and I need it to live. It is an addiction and it's sad that I can't even rest for a short time, because I'll probably destroy myself.

I am also a procrastinator, I hate my job and yet I have done nothing to get out of that place. Four years of that place is starting to get on my nerves. It's just part of that so called rut I do. I would also say working for that company is not worth it. I have busted my butt off for that company, but they don't care about hard work. So I must get out of there, I sure hope that I'll find a better place because I am sick of working there and it gets to the point where you just want to yell at every employee and tell them how lazy they are. I won't do that because there is no point, it's just better for me to go somewhere else.

Running is really an addiction and I wish I had the power to stop when I have to, but I can't because I feel like I would be a failure if I rested. That is another thing that bothers me about me. I have this perfectionist attitude, I want to be the best and everything and even when people say good job or congratualtions. I never think it's good enough and I always think it can be better. I know that's not good, because nobody is perfect. I have to be good, because I feel like I have to show people that I am good. I know that is messed up, but that is the way I think sometimes.

I know my writings can be depressing sometimes and I am sorry and I don't even know why I am sorry because this is who I am. Most people don't really know me, they don't truly know who I am. That is why I use this blog and facebook to show people who I really am. Usually I am quiet most of the time, unless I am around people I know. I would say I use facebook for my humor. I make videos so people can laugh because I like making people laugh. I also like writing jerky comments on people's facebook status because I get a rise if I get on people's nerves. I like to tease people and if I don't really joke with some people it's because I don't really like them and they make me feel awkward. I would also say I use my blog to show the more serious side of me. Behind every joke and every comment there is a reason and that is what this blog shows. It shows people who I really am and that I do have hopes and dreams just like everybody else.

It's over

2009-08-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

The pain is annoying and I seem not to be able to heal or recover quickly. I can't run my race tonight because my hip flexor hurts and I went on a five mile run earlier in the day. That's the price I pay for going crazy and never resting. Another setback and it's sad. I am sitting here typing on a computer that is also sad. I should be out on a date or something, but I am to big of of goob to ask a girl out. I have not met any girls that I want to take out anyways. All the girls I have met are scary and are not attractive to me. I don't feel bad for saying that because you can't like someone you are not attracted to.

I also use my car as another excuse why I don't date. It's a hud and I would not take a girl out in my car. Unless, I did not like her than I would take her in my car. Joking! However, I would never take a girl I am not into in the first place. Why I am even talking about dating? I am no expert on dating. I want to date, but there are no girls that I want to date. There where some awhile ago, but I just put things off and never got around to asking them out. Oh well I don't care, it's there lost anyways. How is it there lost? I don't know, but I do know that I am not a ugly person and I am tall and attractive. That is not cocky, it just the way I feel about myself. Then why would I not ask any girls out if I think I am so dang good looking? I don't know, I just feel like dating is not fun. It's only fun if the girl is cool and knows how to have fun. I also don't want to waste my money on a date that is awkward. I guess dating is always awkward, but that is usually the first date. If it is bad, you never have to call them back.

I am being negative, but that's me sometimes. Some person complained about me being negative at work. I thought it was funny because they should know just as well as me that the company we work for does not care about us and it is a dead end job. I know that is also negative, but when nothing changes and you get stuck in a rut for about four years or more, that is when you start to lose hope that things will get better. I know that if I want to change something I have to do it myself, but I cant do it alone. I need help, but I'm an stubborn person and I never want help. I always want to do it myself.

I know I will date and I'll even get a better car. I just have not found any girl that I want to get to know better. I hope I do and one day I hope I'll find that girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. That's the only thing that I want in this life. I think relationships are the greatest thing because they make you complete and no job or car can do that. I don't know why I am thinking about that, it's just a dream. I know it will come true, I just have to move forward and it will come true. I also know that having your own family is also one of the greatest things in this life. I have come to this realization, while observing people. There is nothing better, that's what life is really about. I know I have ignored my family as of late, but I have just been frustrated and I just don't want to do anything. That rut I've been in has brought me down sometimes, but I know it will get better.

When you get older you rather do your own thing than be with your family. I do my own thing alot, but I am not trying to go after a girl. I want to, but I just can't. I don't know why I think that, but I just cant do it. Something keeps me from moving forward in all things in my life. That is fear. Why would I be afraid to date? I don't know, but if I do ever find that girl want to spend the rest of my life with. I fear that I can't fail, because where I come from guys are supposed to make all the money, while your wife stays at home and watches the kids. I actually think it's a mutal decision. I still feel like I have to be perfect because that is how I think and if I fall short, then why would any girl want to be with me? I am no loser, but I want to be something and I don't want to be that person who settles for less. I also want to help people because I know I can and I feel like I should.

If you read this please stop because I wrote this blog for me and not for you and I can sue anyone who reads my blog because it's against the law to read another person's blog. Joking!

Why I run in pain

2009-08-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

I hurt like no other, but still must run. Why do I run? I have something to prove to me and the world that I am no quitter. No pain no game and that is why I run. While people are having fun with loved ones I am training working and working so one day I can be the best at what I do. I am not talking about running. I am talking about life. Whatever I do I have to be the best and when I get to where I get to, I can't just quit and think I am settled. I will never settle because I can always become better at all things and that is my belief. I must go now and run and if you ever see me running and I don't wave. I'm not trying to be a jerk because I am in the zone when I am running. I don't pay attention to who sees me. I have to focus on my pace and my stride.

I also want to say on a random note that the BYU and Utah rivalry is stupid and nobody really even cares who wins because it's just a game. The University of Utah is a great school and all those goobs who say they could not ever go to a school like that. Get real! It's just a school and there are always weirdos at every school in this world and it's not just the University of Utah. I am sick of those people who say the University of Utah is different. It's not, it's the same as a high school except everyone is grown up.

There may be liberals, but oh well if you can handle that then maybe you should stay inside and never come out of your shell. I live in a shell as well, but that is my fault anyways. All those people who say they can't well you can, because anybody can do anything they set their mind to. It's not hard, it's just called hard work and never quitting. What is that random thought for? I don't know, I just thought I would give a little motivational thought because I have learned you can do anything in this world you want to, as long as you believe in yourself and work hard. Peace out and I must go run now in pain and one day I'll overcome my injuries and it will be great.

What are you looking at ?

2009-08-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

I have thought to myself that I am the reason for my shortcomings not anyone else. I get mad and frustrated sometimes, but it's my fault. If I really wanted to do something then I have the power to do it. I just don't care anymore, I go to social events and they suck. I can't stand the people there because they are so "word I can't say" clique. Idon't even know how to spell cique and I don't really care. Anyways I have become antisocial and it's my fault, but I don't even care anymore because people are fake, the ones I meet. Like my so called friends. They are not my friends they only call if they need something. Like the other day, my one friend calls me and asks me for a controller and they figured I had a Playstatin 3 and I don't, but that is the only reason they called me.

I don't care anymore because I have come to the point that I really don't fit in with that group of people that I am supposedly a part of. I am not a part of those groups. My parents don't buy me things like their parents do and I am usually at work, so I can't relate to them becaue my whole life since I've been sixteen, I've spent working and going to school. Yes, I am jealous of them, why? Because they get to have fun while I do a pointless routine for a company that is too cheap to give a raise or even praise. It only gives me money to live and that's all it's good for. I'll rant about my job another day, but now I have better things to rant about.

I also love when people ask me stupid questions like what are you doing for the weekend? Maybe nothing I am sure as hell not going to invite myself to hang out with people. There is also times when I do get invited and I have no desire to hangout with those people at all. The reason why is because some people are just boring and I rather workout or go running then waste time hanging out with people. I know am being a jerk, but I am tired of trying to be positive. Why should I? I tried and I become more antisoical and frustrated. But it's my fault anyways right? I don't really care who reads this because I am not your friend, because the only friends I have is me. That may be a jerk comment, but I think people only care about themselves. They expect something in return when they do help out others. I am like that too and I know that is irrational thinking, but I don't care anymore because why should I?

I am sorry that I am being negative, but I just annoyed as of late. I do what is right, but that does not mean anything at all. I am sorry, but if I really wanted to change something then I have to have the coconuts to do it. Everything people complain about is really their fault. We choose how we want to be and think. If we think like that, then it must be true. I do sometimes but I know that we have to have adversity because it makes us better and stronger. If we never had problems then we would never know what it's like to live. I won't quit because I am not a quitter. You can judge me and say what you want, but I will never quit and work hard because I know I'll reach my full potential. I just have to be patient and it will all come together. I just want to thank all those people who ignore me and judge me. You give me motivation to be better and show everyone that I am a good person and I want everyone to know that I am good and that I do care, but sometimes I can' show it because that is my personality. I'll never quit as long as I have a pulse.

People are reading and it's creepy

2009-07-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

People are reading my blog and I don't like it because now I feel like I have to watch what I write. This one kid I know thinks I hate people in my own church. I don't hate my own members, I just get sick of it sometimes. I get sick of the cliques. I am not a part of any, because I am more anti-social, I prefer to do things alone. Unless there is someone I really like then I'll try to be more soical, but recently I have not found any girls that I want to get to know better. There are a few, but I don't know if they are into me. I am not going to be creepy about it and stalk them. I just need to ask them out if I really like them.

Anyways, I started blogging for my class and I liked writing for my blog because no one knew why I did it or even why I wrote it. I felt it as more of an outlet to relieve stress. It feels great when I write how I really feel and I am sorry that I might offend people. This is who I am, I am not a bad person, but I do have chips on my shoulders that I carry and that is why I am so hardcore when it comes to competition and other things in this life. I justwant to show people that I am good and I don't think that's a bad thing to do.

It is my fault for letting people see my blog. I have the link on facebook. I just wanted to see if people would actually check it out and I guess some have. It's kind of creepy, but oh well I can't worry what everyone thinks about me. If I do that, then I'll destroy myself. I have been frustrated over the past few weeks, but it's my fault anyways. If I really wanted to change something then I would do it myself. No one can change anybody, you have to be the one that wants to change. I have learned that in my own life. I have changed for the better and wonder if it's worth it. So far, I would say no, but I know it will get better in the end.

Pain

2009-07-20T21:36:00.001-07:00

I am in pain and I thought I was in some serious pain the other day. This is worse and it's bad. My body hurts when I am sitting down. My hip flexor hurts like hell and so does my ankle. I don't know if I ever will recover. It's getting to the point where I can't handle it. I ran today, but I was not 100%. This is the price I pay for wanting to win at running. Is it worth it? I guess only time will tell.

Just like I learned with anything in life, is it worth it?

Why we do what we do

2009-07-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

I got to hear one of my family members rant on why they think they are better than other people and that people who work certain jobs are losers. It made me mad because nobody is a loser no matter what they do. We can't judge someone because of what they do or where they work. They can always change and I believe that. Then this family member of mine also ranted on why they are better because they have a college degree. I understand where they are coming from, but then I thought why do we go to college? The answer is simple, we go to get more money but, we also go because we want to help people in our own unique way.

That is why I go to school. I also go to grow and learn, but I do want to help people through my talents. I want to be an graphic designer, web designer, or interior designer because I want people to get that same joy when they see a picture or something that I designed. Art has inspired me and I know if I could inspire one person, then it's worth it. Even if I don't do anything in art, I still have to help people no matter how crappy life can get. There are people out there who need help. People have helped me and I know that there are similar people in the world like me and I know I can help them because of my experiences.

I know sometimes things don't work out always. We fall short of our goals and we fall short of where we think we should be in this life. I do know that if were patient it will all work out. Success does not happen overnight. For me nothing really has happened, but I won't quit because I believe that it will all work out and everything that I am supposed to do, I will do in this life. I know there will be more struggles and heartbreaks throughout this life. I know the most important thing is to work hard in everything that you do. That is what I really believe in. I believe in hard work no matter how stupid the task may be or a job is. I know that hard work is a key to success. I also think you can never think you are better than something, people, or jobs. That is when pride comes and that is when you fall. I have been prideful and I realized it does not help me or other people.

We are not better than anybody because we all have faults and I think that is what we have to realize. We may excel at different things, but those are our talents and that we should use those talents to help people. I have come to a realization that in the end it doesn't really matter what kind of car you drove, what job you had, or how big your house was. It all comes down to if we helped people. Did we comfort those who need comfort? Or did we visit those who are alone? Or did we say hi to those people you don't know? There are many more things that we can do to help one another. If we helped everyone, the world would be different than it is today.

I do want to help people in my own way. It's hard sometimes and I know I need to work on it more. I know if I do help others, then my life can and will move forward and that I'll never have to look back at the past. I do care for people, but it's hard to sometimes in this competitive world because it seems like we are all out to be better than each other.

It seems weird to me that I writing about this because I don't really like showing people how I really think. But this is how I think and I do value hard work out of anything in this life. Why do I? because in my life it's gives me hope. It gives me the hope that everything will and can be everything we want it to be. If we also help others we will be happier than we were before. Last thing I want to say is never give up not matter how bad life sucks. There is light at the end of the tunnel as long as we keep moving one step forward.

injured

2009-07-15T23:19:00.001-07:00

I am really hurt and I don't know why. Actually I do know why I hurt, because I never rest. I am in some pain that I have never been in before. My hip flexor does nag me, but now it is even worse. I can still run fast but when I rest it, it hurts bad. I think my career as a raller is over. Not it's not, but I know if I was a one hundred percent I could run faster and my times would be better. I don't know if I'll ever heal because I can't quit. I like the feeling you get when you run and the power I feel when I am running. It is a drug and I don't know if I'll ever stop.

Alone

2009-07-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

People think that if you go to a soical event you will feel welcomed. I don't when I go to my ward's activities.I never feel like I am apart of that group. I feel like an outsider, even though I joke and talk to some cute girls, I still feel like I don't belong. No matter what I do I never feel good enough and I feel like I have to prove myself to other people because I feel that people lable me sometimes for certain things I did not do in the LDS church. I never went on an LDS mission and I got some crap for it, but that was one reason why I went into isolation for awhile. I was sick of people giving me crap for not going. I am not a bad LDS person for not going, but I still feel like I am different, no matter what I do. That is why I always try my hardest in everything I do because I want to prove those people wrong. I wan't them to know that I am not a bad person and that I can make it just as much as any LDS person that went on a mission. These may be negative thoughts but this is how I feel and how I act. No matter what I do, it can be better. I am a perfectionist and it's bad sometimes, but I guess that is something I can work on.

These thoughts have made me feel alone sometimes because those people don't know what I went through and everytime I open up to other people I hate talking about myself, because I always think they are judging me. That is why I don't ask out girls sometimes. There are some girls that I really do want to date, but I am always wondering what they are thinking about me. I know I am a attractive young man and I am not trying to be cocky. However, my thoughts get in the way from letting me having good realationships with girls I like. There are girls I met in my ward tonight that I really like, but I feel that they don't like me. They could, but I always sell myself short because I wonder why a girl would like me and why would they want to get to know me. I am attractive, but I am not something yet. These thoughts are what have prevented me from progressing in this life. It's not good, but I always think the worse. I always wonder why should I get what I want, when there is so many people in this world that don't get what they want.

I still believe that I'll get better and I'll never quit. I wanted to quit a lot of times in my life. I wonder why I even try to do the right thing sometimes. Sometimes nothing good comes out of doing the right thing. Sometimes I have been alone for standing up for the right thing and wonder is it even worth it. Then you see people that do what they want in this life and they seem pretty happy. I guess that ist the purpose of this life is to be tested and to grow from one's experiences. When nothing happens and you just do the exact same thing for the past four years, that is when you start to lose hope.

Life has gotten better, but I still don't feel like I have reached my true potential. It's frustrating and I am sick of doing the same old crap over and over again. I know if I move and keep moving it will work out. I hope it does because I need to move forward in this life and I will and I know if I try my best life can turn out the way it was meant to be. Progessing in this life is my ultimate dream because I would like to know what it is like to be married or even have a career. I know people may think these are lame, but these are my happy thoughts and everytime I think about those things, I have hope and I know that I can't give up. I won't quit, even if I do make it in my own terms, I still wont quit. I know that when I stop, that is when I can fall back down again. My plan is to never quit and always keep moving forward and trying my best in everything I do.

Hurt

2009-07-10T10:34:00.001-07:00

I hurt so bad right now, and yet I am still going running. I think I am sick, because I never can quit. I wan't to but I can't. I am in pain and my hip flexor is jacked like no other. I have to keep on running until I win a race. This is just like life, we can never quit no matter how hard it is. Just keep on moving. I often compare life to running. You just have to take one small step forward and never look back. It's hard, but if you quit, then you will never know your true potential. I wanted to quit a lot of times in life. Things have not played out the way I wanted them to be, but I know that if I never try , I'll be in the same rut forever. I do belive that everything will work out in this life. I just have to believe in myself and not worry. My greatest fear is failing in life because I want to be the best at what I do. If I do have a family of my own, I don't ever want to fail them because I feel like I can't and it's my responsibility to take care of them. That is why I try my best at my job and school now because I value hard work and people may say why should I try if I get paid crap. The reason I do is because it builds character and that is who I really am. I believe you should always try and eventually good things will come around your way. This is what I would want to say whoever reads this, don't ever quit and never give up your dreams. Even when everything falls apart don't ever quit because, if you quit you won't be happy. I know that for a fact, I know that if endure and never give up we will be happier and everything that we desire can come true. This is how I really think and the jokes and smart remarks are just are part of me that wants attention. I do want people to know that I am a positive person, even though people might see me as negative sometimes. I do dream and I'll never give up my dreams because that is what motivates me to never quit.

Mad

2009-07-07T16:36:00.000-07:00

I just posted something, but I am mad and I want to rant. I know no one reads my blog so I am going to say what I want to say. I hate fake people. They get on my nerves, they are nice to some people and then they are a jerk to you. I know I've been a jerk, but I sure won't ignore someone if they asked me a question or sent me something on the internet. That's another thing I want to speak about, the internet. I hate those people who know you and ignore you on like social networking sites like facebook and twitter. I added this one girl in my old neighborhood as a friend on facebook and I got ignored. I am not going to cry about it, I am just mad in the fact that I got ignored. I was just trying to be a friendly person, I never liked this girl in a romantic way. I just wanted to see what has happened to her is the past few years. Is there anything wrong with that.?If I ever see this person if public I make sure I'll ignore them. I know that is immature, but it does hurt when you get ignored even when it's on facebook. I also got deleted by other people on facebook, they think I won't know, but it's not that hard to figure out if you are aware of what's going on. I'll remember that too, because it hurts as well. I'm cool and a funny kid and I don't know why someone would delete me. I guess I should just move on because it's not goood to fester anger over stupid litttle things. It still makes me mad, oh well I just need to forget. That is what I have learned with anything in life. People don't do things to hurt you, they just don't pay attention to other people's feelings. I know I have hurt people's feelings too and I'm sorry to those of you who I hurt. I think that is a lesson we all have to learn in this life. We all have to learn how to forgive people, even if it's the hardest thing to do. If we don't we are no better than the person who offended us or even hurt us. I think if we can truly forgive someone that hurt us, we will feel better about ourselves and I think we will be better off. In my own life forgiving and apologizing to people is hard for me to do. Sometimes I wan't revenge and I know that is not a good thing because I am not perfect either. I hope one day I'll become better at forgiving people and forgetting things that people have done to me.

College does not prove anything unless you are trying have a real career.

2009-07-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, but I am a jerk in the fact that I think my major is a bunch of crap. The only thing it does for me is give me better opportunities for stupid jobs like management. My major is Park, Recration, and Tourism, emphasis in sports management. I hate it more than anything in the world. I sit in class and wonder if these classes are going to help me get a better job. It can, but I have no desire to work in the sport industry. Only goobers who can't play sports want to work for sport industry. I sure don't, and that is why I am still debating to change my major to graphic design. If I do I'll be in school four more years, or I can finish my PRT degree in the spring. I also have a minor in arts technology, so that can help me get my foot in the door for graphic design. Overall I think college is overrated and all those people who say you can't make it life without a college degree are annoying. I think you can because if you have a skill at something or just super high confidence, people can move up in anything they want. I think college is only worth it if you are going to be a doctor, lawyer, or some other big time career. I think the college system is messed up. I don't think they prepare us students for the working world. Writing papers and taking tests are a good thing to do, but how will that help someone in a job where they have to lead, work with clients, and selling a product. Yeah I know I am being a jerk, but I had to sit in a four hour class today and that is not fun. When you sit in a class that long, that is when you start to wonder if what you are doing is worth it. I hope finishing college is worth it, because it's not easy to go to school. For me it's been a growing experinece, I had to do many things that I did not want to do. What I learned from doing those things, is that I can do anything I want to, but I just have to believe in myself. That goes for anything in life because if you want to be something you can, you just have to have confidence and faith that you will become what you want to be.

Fireworks

2009-07-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

What is so great about fireworks? It's the exact same thing year after year and it's not really that great. I rather go to bed and recover from my injuries then watch fireworks. Is that wrong? I don't think so, I think I need to start my own tradition and start my own fireworks. How will I do that? I'll just kiss a girl and that is way better than watching fireworks. But don't I have to ask out girls in order to that? Yes, and I will, but I am not going to kiss a girl on a first date, because I am a gentleman and I am also shy. Laugh all you want, but kissing is a scary thing . You have to wait for the opportune moment, just like Jack Sparrow said. I don't know why I am talking about kissing, but I do want to say that hanging out with girls and group dating is stupid. I'm sorry, but I rather take a girl on a date with just her and I. It's a scary thing, but it's better because you will actually get to know that girl. I don't do that often and that is what I need to do because it's a cop out if you just hang out with a girl. I'm sorry to all those girls that I liked and wanted to date, because there were a few, but I could not muster up the courage to ask them out. Oh well, it's my fault, but I better make sure that I do go on a date with a girl this week. There are some girls that I would really want to take out, but I don't know if it would be fun, but I should just not worry about that and grow some kahunas and ask a girl out.

sick

2009-07-04T22:23:00.000-07:00

I hate life, it's not fun. I can't make decisions because I am messed up. You may look at me and think I am normal, but I am far from normal. Normal people don't worry about classes or majors or jobs. They go try new things and are not afraid to fail. I'm afraid and that is why I have failed in my life. I always think of the worst and never think of the positive and that is not a way to live one's life. I am the point where I just want to quit school and never go back because I don't believe I'll ever make it. I am so close to graduating, yet stupid little fears get in my head. I hate it, it has kept me from moving forward and that is the most important thing in this life. To all of those people who think they do nothing, trust me you do something by trying new things. I just do the exact same thing over and over again and it's been like that for the past four years. That is what happens when you get nervous and you think you have nothing that you can offer to this society. I know that it will all work out in the end.I hope and I know that if I never quit I'll make it. What is making it? I don't know, but to me it's having a job that pays well and a family. To have a someone that loves me is the greatest feeling in the world and that is why I would want to have a wife and a family one day. Trust me, being alone and doing whatever you want is not that great, it's fun at first, but it's not even worth it. All those people that say being single is the greatest thing, it's not true. To me it's not, I think life would be more enjoyable if you had someone to share the bad times and even the good times. I also think that being with someone gives you passion, because you will do anything to succeed in the relationship. It also gives you motivation not to fail.

Flexed

2009-07-03T07:49:00.000-07:00

I'm hurt bad and I don't know if I ever will recover. Who cares it's my fault anyways. I never rest my injuries. I hurt my hip flexor and it hurts and it's been nagging me since November. I still must run because I have to and I have a race tomorrow and we will see if I can beat my previous times. If not I will be mad. Even if my injury does get in the way, it's no excuse on why I can't run faster. I love running for sport and people say it's punishment. No way, running is not punishment. It's all in the mind and people say they can't do it they are just copping themselves out. That goes with anything in this life, if you say you can't then you probably won't. I'll you have to do is say you can and you can accomplish anything. That's all I have learned in this life. If you belive in yourself and work hard people can achieve great things and accomplish anything they set their minds to. Bet people who read this, probably don't know that I think positive sometimes. The negative jokes and attitude is my sense of humor, but deep down inside of me I still have that postive hope that everything will be alright.

What are you looking at ?

2009-07-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

Stop stalking me by reading my blog. If you really want to know me just call me and I'll make you dreams come true. Joking! Not really, but anyways it's okay to look at me, I know I am good looking. Is that cocky? No, it's just the way I feel about myself. Anyways to all the girls I am scared to ask out, I'm sorry that I never did. I am a shy kid and maybe one day I'll stop being shy. I also want to say, there are a lot of cute girls in the state of Utah and there are lots of girls I would want to date, but I won't because I put things off. One day I won't and hopefully that will be soon. I do regret not taking some of those girls on dates because I really liked them and I am mad at myself I didn't. Enough about girls, I have to go prepare for my next 5k and I am hoping I'll win, but my hip flexor flared up again and it's starting to annoy me. It's my fault because I never rest. I do want to win a race and that is my ultimate goal and that is why I run. I also run because I like the high you get after you run. It's a great feeling, you should try it if you never have experienced a runner's high. Passing people up is a great feeling too, because it gives you a feeling of power and control and that is a good thing to experience as a runner.

Sick of this

2009-06-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

I am tired of trying to make a image on how I should be so I am going to rant on this blog. I wonder why I even go to school sometimes. It it worth it or is it just a waste of time. Some people say that school opens up doors, but in my life I have gone nowhere, only the same direction. I am at the point were I just want to quit. I don't know why I am writing this, but I am just in a bad mood. Sometimes life does not turn out they way you want it and I guess we just have to make the most of the situation we are in. I also want to rant about work. It's so frustrating to see people do nothing and complain. Where I work I have co-workers who just stand around and do nothing and it gets on my nerves. Why should I have to do all the work, it's not fair, but I guess it will pay off in the long run, according to some people. I don't believe that, but I can't worry about them, I have to worry about me.

Airplane

2009-06-14T19:10:00.000-07:00

I have to go fly on a airplane now. I have not been on a plane since 2001. I'm nervous but hopefully I will be fine. Hopefully when I get to California it will be fun, but I really don't want to go because I rather just chill at my house. Anyways I know it will be fun because California has the beach and it has palm trees which is a great escape from the mountains and the rain here in Salt Lake City. Now I am watching the NBA finals and they are so boring because the Magic are not good. The commercials are great, I just saw the transformers revenge of the fallen and that is going to be a great movie because it is. But not as good as Pirates of the Caribbean because that is the best movie in the world. Whatever I say is true because I run and like gatorade. If your reading this you might think I am weird and crazy, but I am a pretty cool person once you meet me.