I Got a Jar of Dirt

I thought I had a chance with her. She was tall and skinny like me, but deep down I knew she was out of my league. I had to settle for the girl that was not my type and thought this could work as I held her hand. I thought this is great, but after I left on a warm Summer's night I realized I can not do this. I can not. The texting every day had to stop and I could not take it anymore. I did what I'm good at and I ghosted her. I never gave her a reason, but after two dates you either  run away or keep forcing yourself to be with a person that is not your type. That tall girl came to my mind as I was with that girl I tried to like.. She was cool, we went on a date and I was the date from hell. I showed up late because I was talking to another girl from Brazil. I knew the Brazil girl would never work because how the hell could you fall in love with someone that is not even in the same continent as you are?  I went on a  date with the tall girl. It was so so, but she texted me back and acted like she wanted to do something again. That is why I was excited and did not want to give in to this other girl that I was with because I thought the tall girl could be something. As time went by I texted her Happy Birthday and I never heard from her. I thought maybe she did not get the text, but in reality she was doing what I do best and that is ghost me. It did not hurt because I knew deep down inside that no super attractive girl will ever be into me. Never will. 

Then it all came back to that Summer of 2014 when I was dumb and naive. I thought I had a chance with that girl. I thought maybe a girl could like me because I was still angered from the girl from 2013. The 2013 girl was probably the first girl that broke my heart. I have to see her every Sunday and it still burns to this day  because you never gave me a chance. 

I actually thought the 2014 girl actually liked me, but deep down I knew no girl ever liked me. I may be good looking, but girls don't like that. They only care about that if it's only for an evening because in the end they want security and someone they can rely on. You can rely on me, but nobody cares about that. I thought that's possible, but in the end I learned girls want guys who have careers or guys who seem on the outside like they're going to be great. I'm good, but I never progressed and I learned that no girl wants to waste her life with a Peter Pan Boy (that's what some people call me) who doesn't grow up. It's not that I did not want to move forward.There was a time when I wanted to. It was when I was 25 and graduated from college. I thought everything is going to work out. I even thought about moving far away to California. I remember my Mother said that is the dumbest idea ever. It hurt, but why can't I dream? Then after that I remember I went to a hospital to visit a family member and that is when I went downhill ever since. It haunted me and still does to this day. I came to the conclusion that we all have to die. Like Billy Joel said," Only the Good Die Young". We eventually die. Die of old age and watch ourselves fade into oblivion. They say it's great. How's it great when you can not do anything? When your body betrays you and everything else falls apart? 

After that experience I was out of it for two days. I remember sitting in my bed with the fear of that thought. Every day it bothers me to this day. It now comes back to me when I was with my friend who was visiting from St. George at the time and told me I have done the exact same thing for years. I've slept in the same bed. I guess he moved forward by drinking and partying from what he told me because eventually he got the confidence to ask out girls. To this day I realize he is right. I have not done anything. I've done the exact same thing for years, but only the thing that has  changed is that I have more fears. All because of a thing called anxiety.

Anxiety is like in the movie "Hook" when Peter Pan can't remember who  is and is scared of heights and does not do anything to rescue his kids. That is me. I can not get past that ledge and be who I really want to be.  I told everyone I would progress, but I do not. I go backwards not forward. I go running and come back to where I started from. I watch girls I liked be with jerks (to me they are). I watch my store hire a manager and have supervisors that are younger than me. That is the worse feeling of all. It makes you suck it up and take it like a man. I don't want to be a manager or work at that place forever. I'm scared to do anything. Anything. I was told by a girl that if I don't take medication she could not date me. I will never take medication. Never. It's not my thing . I will hit rock bottom before that. I have my agency and if I have to be a loser my whole life, (like Walter Mitty) then so be it. Something has go to give, but nothing does. Nothing lights the fire within. Only when I am running an see other people. I race them and beat them, but who cares because they're slow and not good runners anyways. who cares? 

Nobody cares. I don't care and you don't care. You shouldn't care either. I'm just a person that is like everybody else with the same dreams. I'm not like everyone else. I am who I am and I will always be different. I am on my on path and the only person stopping me from me is me.