I sit and watch and yet it never changes or I don't change. They say doing all the right things makes you better, but that is not true. I am still sitting and waiting and I have been doing that for awhile and to me it will never happen. I still feel judged and I feel that people are afraid to be a real friend. I meet people, but I have observed that most people have something against me or they really think I am a jerk. There have been times when I am at church or other social settings, where I deliberately sit alone and what I have found out is that people never say a word to me at all . It often bothers me because it's me or people just don't like me or they are afraid to say something because I don't really talk.
I have come to the realization that nobody cares and that most people only care about one thing and that is themselves. It is true and it is true for me as well. If you seriously think about it, we always think of ourselves first and what we don't have. These are the things that go through my mind as I have been isolated from socializing for the past five years. I wonder why should I get what I want when there are others out there who need help. Yet I tend to focus on me and when I do it just makes me more frustrated because I don't feel this great sense of belonging anywhere. My church that I attend is a bunch of cliques and they can say that they are not, but they are. They exclude people and they don't make people feel welcomed. It bothers me , but then I come to the point where I have realized that I can make a difference and who the hell cares if they are stuck up and set in their ways.
I see people like me that are not welcomed in church and other places and I always say to myself that someone else will help them and it's not my responsibility. It is because we are all people and if we say we feel unwelcomed, then we should do things to make people feel welcomed. That is what I don't do and I often need to realize that I can. Anybody can help anybody it does not have to be great. It can be a simple hi or a invite. That is what I don't do and yet I wonder why I am the way I am. It is simple I choose the way I want to be, nobody can tell me how to live or how to think. So if you really want to change it ultimately comes down to you.
I would also say that you need people to help because it is hard to do it alone. I have done most things alone that past few years and it has not been fun. What keeps me going it the hope that it will get better, but there are times when I don't see it, yet I keep pushing along because I believe that I can make a difference and I believe that anyone can make it and we have to be there for others and not just ourselves because people need each other. People make life more meaningful and they have to power to change people's lives. I think everyone needs to realize that because we can help others, even though we can't see how we could.
When I get down and frustrated, I need to realize that there are other people that I could help and that my problems are only temporary and that the purpose of life is to be challenged, so we can reach our full potential. Sometimes we don't get the dreams of our dreams, but I have realized that sometimes the things we often dream about our not the most important things in this life. The most important things is basically helping people realize their full potential and making them better than they were before.
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