It is all meaningless when you wake up every day and do what you hate and you look at yourself and wonder what have you done in this life. It's also pointless when you have nothing and nobody, you just wake up and wonder and hope, but you realize it does not change. It makes you sad and it even makes you more sad when you see people move forward in life, when you have worked so hard and yet nothing has become from that hard work. You start to wonder if doing what is right is worth it? or should you just go and do what you want because doing what is right does not make life better.

People think I am negative and I would have to say I am and it is kind of hard to overcome when you have never done anything in life. I have never done anything, just worried of the things that could happen. I have never experienced the joy of life, just the ruts of life and it gets to the point where it ruins you. It makes you down everyday and it makes you think it will never become better. People say it is my fault and that I choose the way I want to react to life situations, but that is not true. There comes a time when you need people and need to experience new things, but I don't because I have no friends. I could invite myself, but that is kind of hard to do when you have been so isolated for so long. I am not a freak, I am a normal attractive guy, I just can't overcome the thoughts of never being good enough.

I wish I could meet a girl that likes me and I like her back, but I never have. I have in the past, but I never did anything about it. It is hard for me to socialize, I usually run away when I have to because I don't feel like I belong. I never did anything with girls and so it is hard to be confident and have swag when you meet the girls you like. I usually just act all nervous and it drives me insane and I always sell myself short and think why would a girl want me, if they could only see how I see myself.

I always wonder what people think of me when they see me, but I'll never know because people never really say things to me and that does not help either because it makes you feel like you are a freak and that nobody wants to get to know you. I think people still judge me for certain things I have not done and I can't seem to get over the things I have not done in the past and it is really frustrating because you can't move forward, just backwards and that is no way to life a live.

I hope that one day it will all change and I have to realize that life can bring you down, but I still can lift people up even though life can be frustrating at times. I guess we have to be patient and take small steps forward to reach the destination. Life can be hard, but I have learned we can't give up because if there is always hope even though we can't see it. There has to be a end to the pain,the sorrow, and the shattered dreams. I know how to do that and that is to move forward and sometimes it is hard because change is scary, but it is a good thing because change makes us who we are. Change could be for the best, or it could be for the worse, but if we never try then we will become like me a person who has not done a thing at all and that is no way to live a life. Life is about joy not about enduring and I sure hope that one day I feel the real joy of this life.