?

I lost hope and I don't believe it will ever get better. It's sad to see everything fall apart at once. As readers of this post would say it is my fault, but it might be, but what happens when you tried and you failed. I hate it all, there is nothing to look forward to, just sitting alone in the dark where all the thoughts of what you are not come to mind. I don't ever believe it will get better and someone can inspire me all they want, but it will never change.

I often go back to my stupid ways which are not good. I have no friends and I mean that when I say that. It's my fault right because I don't talk and I don't try to go to social events. I do and everytime I go I feel like a moron and so I don't say a word. It's frustrating that I go back to being quiet. But what do I have in common with these people? Nothing! They have better cars they don't have to work stupid crap hours and they get to enjoy this thing called life. They only thing I can ever talk about is the same old garb they ask everybody when you first meet somebody. That is not progressing.

I don't know what enjoy is either. It's the exact same thing for me everyday and every week and that becomes every year. What has running got me? nothing, just a stupid injury I can't recover from and it just lets me past the time because when you don't socialize in life you have lots of free time in this life. Weekends are supposed to be fun right? Not for me it's just usually consist of working, working out, and homework. That is so fun, but it's not and I don't ever think I'll break my habits of being antisocial. I do try, but recently I have gone from being more outgoing to not even saying a word at all.

Some of the people I meet I don't have anything in common with and I don't want to hangout with them. But there has been times when I have tried to hangout with certain girls and other people. Sometimes I have gotten ignored and that hurts, even though I pretend It did not hurt. I remember this one time, I was getting to know this girl I really liked a little bit better. We texted each other a few times and then one time I texted her if she was doing anything fun for the weekend and I got ignored. I was just asking a simple question and I was not asking her out or anything. I was just trying to be friendly. If I ever do ask out a girl I would actually call her, but that won't ever happen because I don't believe in me.

Things like that mess me up and make me never want to try again. If she did not want to say anything to me, then just say it to my face because it is better that way. I won't be sad if a girl does not like me, it's part of one's life experience.I'm not mad for that and I hope that girl I really liked awhile ago has a great life. I really do mean that because she has a great personality and any guy would be lucky to have a girl like that.She was a great person. She befriended me one day when I was sitting all alone at this event I attended. I always wanted to thank her for that even though she will never know that I was thankful. I know my personality comes out as quiet and people think I don't really care, but I do. So I really in all my sincerity hope she has a great life.

I never even tried to date in the first place, so I don't even know what I am talking about. I always say I will, but I never do. I need help to get to that point, but I'll never get help from anyone because there is no such thing as a true friend and I believe that because my so called"real" friends have never been there for me. I've been their friend. I even have gone to their stupid activities and helped them out. I would do anything for my old school friends, but things change and we have to move on. They have moved on, but I have not. I watch them date, get girlfriends, get married, and do other things that help them progress in this life. I just sit outside and stare in inside hoping that one day it will all come together.

The day has not come and it hurts. It hurts to see other people enjoy this life while you worked so hard and nothing has changed. It hurts to see people you care for grow up and forget about you. It hurts to see a lot of things, but I still have to move and I can't just sit and think it will get better. Doing nothing is never the answer. So I do move forward by going to school, work, and also running and working out. I don't know why I keep trying if I am so discouraged, but I guess I do have hope. I have hope that I can change and become who I am supposed to be. I'll never quit. I believe that God will help me one day, even though I feel like nothing has happened at all. If and when that day does come I'll be happy because then I'll know that God does care and answers prayers.

I am sitting in class right now and I am wondering is school worth it. I am in a arts technology class and that is how I am online right now. We are supposed to do assignment and I already know what I am doing so that is why I am writing right now. I am bored and I hate school. I don't think it is worth it. I should of joined the Air Force or something because then I would be learning some important skills. I am not trying to be funny I think the military would be great to do, but if I ever get married then it would be selfish because then my wife would have to be alone. I don't think that is right. I am discouraged right now. I am tired of school, even though I am so close to graduating. I am close to graduating, but I don't care because I hate school and I have been in school for too many years. Oh well at least it will be over soon. I am frustrated because I just am and I am tired of being in school.

I don't even know what I want to do after I am done with school. I did want to do something with graphic design, but I don't know if I can sit for eight hours staring at a screen. I do like art, but I don't want to be a graphic designer for the rest of my life. So that is why I decided to finish my Park, Recreation, and Tourism degree. I think it will work out better if I go that way. I do hope that was the right decision and I guess we will see if it is the right decision. If not I guess I can be a professional bookseller the rest of my life. Joking! I don't really care what I do as long as I get paid a decent amount of money to live. I have realized that no matter what I do for a career I will hate it because I am that kind of person who really has no desire to be a certain thing. I just like working hard and physical work. It's a good feeling, but most physical jobs don't pay so well after awhile.

The only thing I ever wanted to be was a professional athlete and that won't happen because I am not great. I am a good runner, but not even close to being professional. My injuries have got in the way and you can't run good when your are seriously injured. I would just have to quit everything and train smarter. I know that sounds weird that I think I could actually be a professional runner. I know I have potential because I just started running seriously after high school and I never reached my full potential yet. This is a dream and I always wonder why I did not seriously run in high school because I know I could of been good. Oh well! I can't focus on the past.

I always do look at the past because most people remember me from the past and they probably remember me as a certain person. I remember this one girl said to one of my friend I am the same since high school. It makes me mad, because I don't think I am the same. I have the same personality, but the only difference is I am more antisocial. Joking! But college and work has made me less social. I don't even talk to anyone and I just feel like all of my classmates are my competition and I have to be better than them. I should not think like that, but I do. I know it's not right, but college has made me that way. That is one reason I hate college. I always have to compete against other people even if they don't know I am competing against them. I hate that feeling where I have to be the best, it ruins me and it really sucks. I just wish I could do my best and not worry about what my classmates do.

Hello

Is there anyone out there? I feel alone and it's my fault anyways right? What's it like to live? I sure don't know. I just run, workout, work, and go to school. That is not living, it is,but I don't do anything fun. I just sit and wish, but sitting and wishing don't do a thing. People may think I do things, but I don't know what they are smoking because I sure don't do a thing. I always wonder what people think about me.

I really wanted to know because when you lose all of your good friends, you start to wonder. I am also not smooth with the ladies sometimes because I still have that shyness in me and that is a horrible thing to have. It makes me look like a fool.

I am too old to be like that. It's funny to me when girls talk to me and think I have been in relationships and date a lot. I always wonder why they think that because I've never even been in a relationship. That is sad, really sad. I would say in the dating/relationship world I am at a elementary school level because I don't even really date much. When I have,those dates sucked because I was shy and I could not be myself. I do hate myself for that, it makes me mad and it also makes me mad when I see other people having fun. So do couples they make me mad as well. The reason those things makes me mad is because I have worked so hard at work, school, working out, and running and I thought it would pay off , but it has just made me more isolated.

I came to the realization when my friend a year or two ago came to my house, the day before he got married, and told me I have done nothing and the exact same thing for the past few years. It made me mad when he said that, but it was the truth. My whole life I have tried to please other people and do what I am supposed to do. I thought it would get me somewhere, however I just stopped and stared and gone nowhere. That song by One Republic is my theme song because I do think I am moving, but I go nowhere. It is my fault and I'll beat myself up for it. Why? because I feel like I should be something and not just waste of space to society. I'm not a waste of space to society, but in social aspects I have not progressed and it is sad, very sad.

People tell me just ask out girls or just invite yourself to your friend's activities. It's so easy right? It's not, not when you think like me. I would like to, but shyness gets in the way and the girls I actually like I just can't talk to them because I am nervous and I want to make a good impression on them. I don't want to blow my chance with a girl I am into. However, I usually don't even say a word to them at all because I think they might not like me or I see them talking to other guys and then I start to wonder if they are in a relationships. So I put things off and say I will do it tomorrow.

I guess my main point from this blog is never put things off. If you see a girl you like then go after her and if you get rejected who cares because there are lots of girls in the world. I should take this advice too, because I talk myself out and then I go back to my ways of being antisocial. Oh well, I guess we all have flaws that we can make better and I know I'll date I just have to be more aggressive. So if you ever need to pray for something, pray for me that I'll get the coconuts to ask a girl out. Joking! Don't really pray for that, but if you really want to, I am not going to try and stop you. I couldn't anyways because I don't even know who would read my blog. Hopefully some of the girls I like read this blog. The only reason I would want that is because then they can see how I really am. I do use this blog and facebook to market me and show the world how I really am.

Peace out and ETTE and never let anyone try and stop you from your dreams! Sorry if the some of the sentences suck, but I don't really care because this is a blog not a college class.

Did you know that smart cars are not really smart.

I have realized my blog is negative and all I write about is frustration and how I hate people. I don't hate people, but I am frustrated, however I think I should be more positive. It is hard because it just is. I think I need to look at the good in people and not the flaws they might have. Nobody is perfect and I am not, even though I try to be the best, but I am not perfect. I have also realized sometimes we go through struggles, failures, and hardships. Those things can bring us down and the only way to move forward is to keep trying even if people may feel that there is no hope. I always write about the same stuff. Maybe the reason I have these struggles is to make me a stronger person. Or maybe these frustrations will help me in the future because maybe one day I'll be that person who meets a person who once was like me. So I can help them because I know what they went through.

I know things will improve and there has been a lot of people in my life who have helped me in ways they will never know. I feel like a jerk that I never say anything to them. It's hard for me to express how I really feel. So I would like to express my thanks to them even though they will never know that I even was glad what they did. I would also want to thank girls that just randomly came up to talk to me or invite me to their house with there friends. I was grateful for those experiences because I realized girls do have an interest in me, but I have been a negative person I have not asked them out. I am sorry that I never did and I will never say their true identities because I just can't. I want to thank those girls who did invite me, even though they may have thought I did not care.

I want to thank people in my church who talked to me or even try to befriend me because everyone needs attention and some days I was down and I it did make a difference. I have been frustrated with my ward because I feel like I don't do anything and I want to thank those people who asked me to do things because it does feel good to do stuff and I always feel like I can make a difference.

I am thankful for those people who have been there when I am down, hurt, and sad. Or who have just been my friend. They may not know that they even helped someone but they did. People are always watching you and even me. When they see good things, I think it's makes them want to be better. So I always think to myself that I need to act better sometimes because people are watching me even if I don't think people notice me at all.

Anyways to all those people who read this I wish you the best and don't ever give up your dreams because dreams are what make us live and when you lose that dream just keep pushing forward and if you do you will realize that you have come along way. I bet you probably did not know that I am think positive, but I do and I know that life is hard but if we move forward and do what is right, then everything will fall into place. I do hope it falls into place for me because sometimes I don't even know what I am doing. I just know that I have to move forward and never look back and have the faith that I'll reach my full potential.

The end

I can't even socialize and it's sad. I have gone no where in my opinion and it seems like I have regressed. I have only progressed in running, working out, and school. However, that still has not got me to where I want to be. I went to a church activity tonight and it was not that fun, I try to talk to people but it's never easy for me. I feel awkward and that is not good. I hate it, I wish I could act the way I really am, but I never can. So people probably think I am boring and that is sad. I am funny, but it is never easy for me to open up. That's is why I have failed in my opinion. I should be dating and I should be more outgoing, but I have failed. I thought I was moving forward in the right direction, but then my procrastination got in the way. I do want to date, but I can't because I don't know if it is worth it. I mean in LDS land everyone wants to get married and that is why they date. I do want to get married, but I don't want to be thinking about every girl I date could be my wife.I just want to have fun and when I meet the right girl then I'll marry that girl.

I am annoyed, but I still must move forward. Sometimes I wonder why I even should try because sometimes everything just seems to fall a part at once. I know I can't quit because only losers quit. I am not trying to be rude, I just feel that quitting is never the answer to any problem. There has been so many times when I have wanted to quit and go back to my old ways. Then I think of the future and I realize I can't. I have hope and hope is the only thing that prevents me from quitting. I belive that if I do the right things, everything will fall into place.

I can't focus and it's sad. I try to focus but I seem to not be able to get anything accomplished. I am frustrated and then other stupid things get in the way of the important things. I can't rest or sleep , my hip flexor bothers me. I know I should rest, but I don't because I am addicted to running and it's sick. I am not trying to be funny. I can't quit, it's like I have to run even though my body hurts like hell. I like that feeling and I need it to live. It is an addiction and it's sad that I can't even rest for a short time, because I'll probably destroy myself.

I am also a procrastinator, I hate my job and yet I have done nothing to get out of that place. Four years of that place is starting to get on my nerves. It's just part of that so called rut I do. I would also say working for that company is not worth it. I have busted my butt off for that company, but they don't care about hard work. So I must get out of there, I sure hope that I'll find a better place because I am sick of working there and it gets to the point where you just want to yell at every employee and tell them how lazy they are. I won't do that because there is no point, it's just better for me to go somewhere else.

Running is really an addiction and I wish I had the power to stop when I have to, but I can't because I feel like I would be a failure if I rested. That is another thing that bothers me about me. I have this perfectionist attitude, I want to be the best and everything and even when people say good job or congratualtions. I never think it's good enough and I always think it can be better. I know that's not good, because nobody is perfect. I have to be good, because I feel like I have to show people that I am good. I know that is messed up, but that is the way I think sometimes.

I know my writings can be depressing sometimes and I am sorry and I don't even know why I am sorry because this is who I am. Most people don't really know me, they don't truly know who I am. That is why I use this blog and facebook to show people who I really am. Usually I am quiet most of the time, unless I am around people I know. I would say I use facebook for my humor. I make videos so people can laugh because I like making people laugh. I also like writing jerky comments on people's facebook status because I get a rise if I get on people's nerves. I like to tease people and if I don't really joke with some people it's because I don't really like them and they make me feel awkward. I would also say I use my blog to show the more serious side of me. Behind every joke and every comment there is a reason and that is what this blog shows. It shows people who I really am and that I do have hopes and dreams just like everybody else.

It's over

The pain is annoying and I seem not to be able to heal or recover quickly. I can't run my race tonight because my hip flexor hurts and I went on a five mile run earlier in the day. That's the price I pay for going crazy and never resting. Another setback and it's sad. I am sitting here typing on a computer that is also sad. I should be out on a date or something, but I am to big of of goob to ask a girl out. I have not met any girls that I want to take out anyways. All the girls I have met are scary and are not attractive to me. I don't feel bad for saying that because you can't like someone you are not attracted to.

I also use my car as another excuse why I don't date. It's a hud and I would not take a girl out in my car. Unless, I did not like her than I would take her in my car. Joking! However, I would never take a girl I am not into in the first place. Why I am even talking about dating? I am no expert on dating. I want to date, but there are no girls that I want to date. There where some awhile ago, but I just put things off and never got around to asking them out. Oh well I don't care, it's there lost anyways. How is it there lost? I don't know, but I do know that I am not a ugly person and I am tall and attractive. That is not cocky, it just the way I feel about myself. Then why would I not ask any girls out if I think I am so dang good looking? I don't know, I just feel like dating is not fun. It's only fun if the girl is cool and knows how to have fun. I also don't want to waste my money on a date that is awkward. I guess dating is always awkward, but that is usually the first date. If it is bad, you never have to call them back.

I am being negative, but that's me sometimes. Some person complained about me being negative at work. I thought it was funny because they should know just as well as me that the company we work for does not care about us and it is a dead end job. I know that is also negative, but when nothing changes and you get stuck in a rut for about four years or more, that is when you start to lose hope that things will get better. I know that if I want to change something I have to do it myself, but I cant do it alone. I need help, but I'm an stubborn person and I never want help. I always want to do it myself.

I know I will date and I'll even get a better car. I just have not found any girl that I want to get to know better. I hope I do and one day I hope I'll find that girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. That's the only thing that I want in this life. I think relationships are the greatest thing because they make you complete and no job or car can do that. I don't know why I am thinking about that, it's just a dream. I know it will come true, I just have to move forward and it will come true. I also know that having your own family is also one of the greatest things in this life. I have come to this realization, while observing people. There is nothing better, that's what life is really about. I know I have ignored my family as of late, but I have just been frustrated and I just don't want to do anything. That rut I've been in has brought me down sometimes, but I know it will get better.

When you get older you rather do your own thing than be with your family. I do my own thing alot, but I am not trying to go after a girl. I want to, but I just can't. I don't know why I think that, but I just cant do it. Something keeps me from moving forward in all things in my life. That is fear. Why would I be afraid to date? I don't know, but if I do ever find that girl want to spend the rest of my life with. I fear that I can't fail, because where I come from guys are supposed to make all the money, while your wife stays at home and watches the kids. I actually think it's a mutal decision. I still feel like I have to be perfect because that is how I think and if I fall short, then why would any girl want to be with me? I am no loser, but I want to be something and I don't want to be that person who settles for less. I also want to help people because I know I can and I feel like I should.

If you read this please stop because I wrote this blog for me and not for you and I can sue anyone who reads my blog because it's against the law to read another person's blog. Joking!

Why I run in pain

I hurt like no other, but still must run. Why do I run? I have something to prove to me and the world that I am no quitter. No pain no game and that is why I run. While people are having fun with loved ones I am training working and working so one day I can be the best at what I do. I am not talking about running. I am talking about life. Whatever I do I have to be the best and when I get to where I get to, I can't just quit and think I am settled. I will never settle because I can always become better at all things and that is my belief. I must go now and run and if you ever see me running and I don't wave. I'm not trying to be a jerk because I am in the zone when I am running. I don't pay attention to who sees me. I have to focus on my pace and my stride.

I also want to say on a random note that the BYU and Utah rivalry is stupid and nobody really even cares who wins because it's just a game. The University of Utah is a great school and all those goobs who say they could not ever go to a school like that. Get real! It's just a school and there are always weirdos at every school in this world and it's not just the University of Utah. I am sick of those people who say the University of Utah is different. It's not, it's the same as a high school except everyone is grown up.

There may be liberals, but oh well if you can handle that then maybe you should stay inside and never come out of your shell. I live in a shell as well, but that is my fault anyways. All those people who say they can't well you can, because anybody can do anything they set their mind to. It's not hard, it's just called hard work and never quitting. What is that random thought for? I don't know, I just thought I would give a little motivational thought because I have learned you can do anything in this world you want to, as long as you believe in yourself and work hard. Peace out and I must go run now in pain and one day I'll overcome my injuries and it will be great.

What are you looking at ?

I have thought to myself that I am the reason for my shortcomings not anyone else. I get mad and frustrated sometimes, but it's my fault. If I really wanted to do something then I have the power to do it. I just don't care anymore, I go to social events and they suck. I can't stand the people there because they are so "word I can't say" clique. Idon't even know how to spell cique and I don't really care. Anyways I have become antisocial and it's my fault, but I don't even care anymore because people are fake, the ones I meet. Like my so called friends. They are not my friends they only call if they need something. Like the other day, my one friend calls me and asks me for a controller and they figured I had a Playstatin 3 and I don't, but that is the only reason they called me.

I don't care anymore because I have come to the point that I really don't fit in with that group of people that I am supposedly a part of. I am not a part of those groups. My parents don't buy me things like their parents do and I am usually at work, so I can't relate to them becaue my whole life since I've been sixteen, I've spent working and going to school. Yes, I am jealous of them, why? Because they get to have fun while I do a pointless routine for a company that is too cheap to give a raise or even praise. It only gives me money to live and that's all it's good for. I'll rant about my job another day, but now I have better things to rant about.

I also love when people ask me stupid questions like what are you doing for the weekend? Maybe nothing I am sure as hell not going to invite myself to hang out with people. There is also times when I do get invited and I have no desire to hangout with those people at all. The reason why is because some people are just boring and I rather workout or go running then waste time hanging out with people. I know am being a jerk, but I am tired of trying to be positive. Why should I? I tried and I become more antisoical and frustrated. But it's my fault anyways right? I don't really care who reads this because I am not your friend, because the only friends I have is me. That may be a jerk comment, but I think people only care about themselves. They expect something in return when they do help out others. I am like that too and I know that is irrational thinking, but I don't care anymore because why should I?

I am sorry that I am being negative, but I just annoyed as of late. I do what is right, but that does not mean anything at all. I am sorry, but if I really wanted to change something then I have to have the coconuts to do it. Everything people complain about is really their fault. We choose how we want to be and think. If we think like that, then it must be true. I do sometimes but I know that we have to have adversity because it makes us better and stronger. If we never had problems then we would never know what it's like to live. I won't quit because I am not a quitter. You can judge me and say what you want, but I will never quit and work hard because I know I'll reach my full potential. I just have to be patient and it will all come together. I just want to thank all those people who ignore me and judge me. You give me motivation to be better and show everyone that I am a good person and I want everyone to know that I am good and that I do care, but sometimes I can' show it because that is my personality. I'll never quit as long as I have a pulse.